Mixing genres badly... *snicker*
"The temptation to eat the forbidden fruit was his first act. Cast from the garden mankind would never be the same. Thousands of years later at the height of his reign the floods sent him back to his home, his prison. Lost and then regained the seed is watered by the blood of his ancestors. And once again the passage from hell is open for Lucifer's return. Lucifer's return does not go unchallenged; God has chosen four to represent humanity's struggle for survival. The Archangel Michael gathers the four and prepares them for what they must accomplish, sending Lucifer back to his prison, hell. With God given powers the four set out to save humanity from Lucifer's ever growing influence. My script mixes two genres that have been quite popular in recent years; the superhero film and the supernatural thriller. Each of the four superheroes have unique powers. If they can get past their different backgrounds and flaws and work together they can defeat Lucifer. A cop, doctor, reporter and student are our only hope."
posted by The Empress @ 9:49 AM
58 comments
58 Comments:
I think I saw this as a Power Rangers episode or maybe it was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles episode. Anyway, it was bad then and it still sucks!
"A cop, doctor, reporter, and student..."; again with the student saving the world. Most students I encounter can't even save a C average let alone the world. The doctor wouldn't do it unless he/she were to be reimbursed fully from the HMO and even God wouldn't be able to make that happen!
I think the student's special powers include bong hits and sleeping through morning.
All it takes is a Bill Pullman mini-series to get all the religious movie ideas flowing again. Maybe Lucifer and the student can bond over the sleazy posters hanging in his dorm room. "And next to my Heidi Klum poster is my autographed Scarface poster."
"I am the creator of the universe but unless I can get a reporter and a college kid on the team I'm screwed"
This reminds me of an early work I had contemplated but never really finished.
The above query has a lot to do with something that for some time has interested me in terms of xtreme film making, religion and more specifically the revenge of Jesus, in a cool xtreme way.
For any of you who have not read the Bible it’s third act culminates in what’s know as “Revolutions” where the forces of good and evil meet for one final battle. Now when it comes to creating the earth or being divine, God does a good job. When it comes to writing the battle scene for Revolution, big G dropped the ball. The Bible builds everything up and then COMPLETELY misses the battle. Not just any battle but the most xtreme battle you could imagine, angels, devil’s, cool mythological beasts, arch angels, and holy/demonic weapons up the wazoo. Sadly this has been left to our imaginations ...until now that is.
When I was a kid in high school back in 2003 I made a pass over on the idea of filling in the blanks for the last battle. I have toyed with the idea for years to pick up where God left off and paint the picture of what happens at the final war between good and evil, I now give you my rough draft on this subject.
Battle of the Revolutions: Xtreme Judgment
(Film begins with an overview of mankind, it’s descent into chaos, and the last days of judgment. The movie focuses on the role of Jesus Christ, Satan, and other minor religious figures roles in the confrontation. The film will start with act 1 comprised of dialog and set up for the moment it all begins, the battle starts at the beginning of act 2.)
Act 2.
(Jesus Christ surveys the battle field, the first march of the unholy armies of Satan are upon the forces of light. Christ is now grizzled, gone are the robes and traditional hippie outfit. Christ (to be played by Tom Selleck) is now wearing Holy Armour and sports a three-five day growth of facial hair. He is also now smoking a cigar, synonymous with great war generals.)
Christ: Michael and Gabriel, watch our flank. Satan is as cheeky as they come and I wouldn’t expect him to stay with his original attack formation, he might try something.
Gabriel: If he does, we will be ready JC.
Christ: This is the last battle, we must be ready for anything. This combat could come down to us fighting hand to hand.
(A spectacular battle erupts. The forces of light and darkness battle for many days and nights. [Must be realized with CGI and possibly claymation] They have wiped each other out to a man. At sunrise a John Ford type shot establishes Jesus standing over the bodies of the soldiers of light. This is the end of act 2, the beginning of the third act)
Jesus: So many have perished, will peace ever be realized.
(A voice sounds off from behind, but Jesus does not look as it starts to speak)
Satan (To be played by Julian Sands): Damn you Jesus, you are always trying to spoil the just rewards that I deserve, now I will do what the Romans could not, I will kill you for good.
(Jesus stands and turns to face Satan)
Jesus: My father said to turn the other cheek Satan, but I warn you he didn’t say what to do after that. I have been buffooned, nailed to a cross, ignored in favour of Scientology, to put it plainly, thee is pissed.
Satan: My vengeance has burned as intensely as the lakes of Hell! Father always liked you better, now he won’t have you to like anymore, not that I have this!!!
(Satan brandishes an unholy looking whip. It appears endless in length and has razor blades that go up and down the whip itself. The whip also glows much like a black light and emits a wicked hiss like a snake as he twirls it around.)
Satan: What I have here Jesus is a special unholy whip that can affect you as if you were mortal, the damage it inflicts will be unrepairable to even you. This is the whip of the unholy, it is a channel for all that is dark, and I am ready to choke you out with it. The fish indeed, prepare to be filleted my friend.
A this point a huge battle erupts between all that matters in the world, Jesus and the Devil clash again and again. The battle ends very quickly as Jesus brandishes a Holy Trinity Trident that he skewers Satan with and holds his kicking carcass high above his head.
“So let it be written, so let it be done. Thee has just had his ass kicked, by the Father’s Son.”
After this the last 20 minutes of the movie is nothing but Jesus and the Arch Angel's killing every demon you can imagine with a sweet xtreme mix of Limp Bizkit, Dokken, Iron Maiden, and Blink 182 playing as they hack and slash through what remains of Satan's army.
And so ended the battle of Revolution.
If these four are our only hope - we're screwed...
Oh, and we're posting queries in the comments section?
Lucifer take me away...
It's a pity that the student's superpowers don't include the ability to read "Warriner's English Composition and Grammar."
Tom Selleck as Jesus, Claymation, and BCPhil as the writer?
I smell Oscar!
I missed you BCPhil. Not the way I miss the 7 windows chick, but I still missed you.
End of Days: The Movie
Oh, wait.
"The temptation to eat the forbidden fruit was his first act."
Temptation is an act?
When I first skimmed this, I missed the word "mankind", and thought this was about Adam being immortal or something. Pity. That would have been cooler.
COP: Freeze, Lucifer, your days are numbered!
LUCIFER: Yeah, sez who?
DOCTOR: Sez my twirling stethoscope of death!
REPORTER: get a taste of my super microphone blast, sucka!
LUCIFER: Ow!
STUDENT: You ain't gettin' off that easy. I'm sending you back to hell with my ninja blowdarts. Made out of mechanical pencils and a slide rule.
LUCIFER: Noooooooooooooooo!
COP handcuffs the defeated Lucifer.
Kudos, BCPhil. Best post ever!
"If they can get past their different backgrounds and flaws and work together they can defeat Lucifer."
So, God gives the Flawed Four powers but obviously not the Power To Get-The-Fuck-Along. Nice work, God.
The Village People vs. Lucifer! Woo Hoo!!!!
If the flood sent him back to his home (prison / hell), then what the hell else is there for the Village People Super Heroes to do?
BC Phil: "..Picking up where God left off..."
Genius.
It's hard to pick my favorite moment from BC Phil's post. I particularly enjoyed Tom Selleck as Jesus with a cigar in his mouth telling Michael and Gabriel to "watch our flank."
But, I think "thee is pissed" wins.
Wasn't this the last episode of Buffy?
Oh and, ". . . more specifically the revenge of Jesus, in a cool xtreme way. " HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA
BCPhil, you owe me a new keyboard. Mine's soaked with tea after laughing too hard! Thanks for the best laugh of the day.
already done (with class) as a south park episode.
interesting that this pitch sparked so many spontaneous outbursts of scenewriting, though. alarmingly suggesting that there might actually be a market for this thing.
Thought it was the book of "Revelations".
I was laughing so hard at BCPhil's post that I almost forgot what I was going to say about the query.
I'm pretty sure 90% of this "superhero film/supernatural thriller" is the cop, doctor, reporter and student struggling with their personal faith hangovers and stating over and over again how important it is to make a donation to the Bob Jones University.
A better four to pick would be : Sasquatch : superpower - xtreme strength.
King Sharko : superpower - webbed feet and laserbeams.
Joseph Pujol : superpower - musical ass.
Ashton Kutcher as himself : superpower - em...em... oh hell he's banging Demi Moore gotta have him.
I hope I can play the student and I hope my powers are laser beams shooting from my eyes. Satan hates laser beams.
BCPhil, I purtnear ruptured something I was laughing so hard. "Satan is as cheeky as they come..." Jesus H. Selleck, that's great. I would so pay to see Revolutions: Xtreme Judgment. Thanks for sharing
Can we have Bowling Alley Pope in here as well?
Damn! The only thing BCPhil left out was the Holy Hand Grenade. I just love the Holy Trinity Trident. When the action figures come out, can I have one? Best stuff I've read all day...
"Jesus brandishes a Holy Trinity Trident"- brilliant.
I think the four from the original query should make a cameo in your production phil, could lead to a spin off. Maybe the Pope too, they have cool hats.
I always felt guilt about saying "motherfucker"..a part of me always thought that God was looking down on me for my vulgar language (not really, but work with me). Now that I've read about Jesus saying he's "pissed" I can say "motherfucker" with pride. Thank you BcPhil. Thank you.
Hell hath no fury like a jesus pissed-off. Maybe BCPhil's ditty will be a segment on SNL or Mad TV. That'd rock!
"Now when it comes to creating the earth or being divine, God does a good job. When it comes to writing the battle scene for Revolution, big G dropped the ball."
So God is divine in everything he does except where it concerns the bible. Then why read it?! Sigh...
Oh, and "When I was a kid in high school back in 2003"... BCPhil,you might be out of school, but you're definitely still a toys r'us kid. *sigh*
Slimey you *sigh* to much.
Thank you, BCPhil, for the brightening my otherwise dull day with your xtreme query. I think the claymation suggestion gave it that extra oomph. Who do you envision playing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Are they going to ride in on Harleys?
At first, I thought this query was about humankind regaining access to Paradise/the Garden of Eden, but it's just another End of Days scenario, but the humans get some undefined, divine powers. Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman's book "Good Omens" would make a far better film than this.
Why don't they just get Kenny and the golden PS Handheld?
Phil, I died laughing at Revolutions!!!
[sits in stunned silence]
BCPHIL does indeed rock it all over the place. As for the original query... I think this wanker had two scripts that came up short and since twice as much shit is twice as nice he (I'm assuming) shuffled them together like a deck of cards. If you read it I'm sure you wouldn't even notice.
" A cop, doctor, reporter and student are our only hope."
My college prof hubby says that his absolute worst students are those with the following majors: pre-med, journalism, and pre-law.
WE'RE DOOMED!
I have the perfect cast for this: Gary Oldman, Gary Cole, Gary Coleman, and Dabney Coleman.
"Christ is now grizzled."
BCPhil, you're a genius. Welcome back, buddy.
After thinking about this for a while, I think it would be better if David Hasslehoff played Jesus. "Kit, let's go get Satan."
BC Phil: Can Tom Selleck sing?
I was hoping for "Jesusman!"
With his fish and bread generating powers he is formidable. With his goodly gang he is nigh invincible! When he unites with mecca-man (A mechanical islamic man with amazing psychic powers), He-brew (A Jewish man with incredible beer bottle throwing accuracy) and Nun-chuck (A catholic girl with a heart of gold, that she uses to beat people to death with).
But look out! Satanman has his pals hot on your tail! Forni-kate (no comment), The seven deadly sins, and Pat Robertson are all out to stop you!
I think if Tom Selleck can't sing, Tom Waits should be Jesus. (I know people are thinking he is better suited for the role of a singing Satan, but I've turned whiskey into water before, only to have Tom turn it back into whiskey.)
Anyone watch Family Guy on Sunday? This is slightly similar to "The Passion 2: Crucify This."
I like BCPhil's script, but the soundtrack just doesn't do it for me...needs some Hans Zimmer!
BCPHIL: "The movie focuses on the role of Jesus Christ, Satan, and other minor religious figures".... Bring on Hanukkah Hal and the Hallowen Witch!
Could I suggest a different title for your opus, BCPhil? Something like, "Xtreme Armageddon"?
Because you wouldn't want to confuse it with that wimpy scenario described in Revelations. Lake of Fire, my ass, somebody whip out the Holy Trinity Trident!
This one is sure to tap into the "Left Behind" market segment.
"When I was a kid in high school back in 2003 I made a pass over on the idea of filling in the blanks for the last battle."
You made a pass over a story about jesus? isn't passover more of an old testament kind of thing? maybe moses could use the ten commandments to surf into hell...to the xtreme of course.
This is Mel Gibson's next project, right?
"Passion of the Christ 2: Electric Boogaloo"
Or something like that..
God choses a Cop, Doc, Reporter and Student?
Woulnd't God chose somebody like a priest or even the pope? Now that could be cool - a superhero pope - Power Pope with his spinning nunchuka hosts of death!
"Revolutions"?!?!?
I don't know what you're smoking, BCPhil, but in every Bible I've ever read, it's called "Revelation".
Please, oh, please stick to Sharkies and Krull. *sigh*
jma
BCPhil, you've been gone too long, buddy. But this post more than makes up for your absence. The Book of Revolutions is only, like, my *fave* book in the Bible!
However, I do have a concern about the soundtrack. I think the third act absolutely requires Guns 'n Roses "Welcome to the Jungle." And if you could throw in a little Whitesnake as well, that would be great.
Also, can saints join Jesus and the angels for the final battle? They could come back in their final earthly form, the way they looked when they were martyred. They'd be all flayed and pierced with arrows and boiled in oil and with their tongues cut out and stuff. A lot of them were beheaded, so they'd be holding their own heads. Spooky, huh! You already have CGI and claymation, so some hardcore makeup effects would really make this a visual feast on par with the Lord of the Rings.
Plus, here you could use some ironic soundtrack songs, like Quentin Tarantino does. When Jesus brings out his army of reanimated saints, you could play a really upbeat version of "When the Saints Go Marching In." Wouldn't that be a hoot?
Sigh. I love you, BCPhil.
Awesome, BCPhil. Best. Thing. Ever. Wow, I think my eyes are bleeding.
Working Title: Midnight in the Garden of Just Plain Evil
BCPhil is clearly a man who appreciates that irony is not an adjective used to describe dark metals
BCPhil, because I love you, I bestow upon you this logline:
JESUS IS BACK, AND HE'S PISSED AS HELL!
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