What is it with lawyer scripts and ghost scripts???
"Logline: Love never dies. It attacks.
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, To pay the bills, a woman uses her psychic skills to hunt ghosts for a murderous law firm. She barters and bargains with the dearly departed to get them to stop trying to kill the attorneys who wronged them, and instead wander into the pretty light to have a nice chat with their grandparents. Through this process, she has been punched, slapped, and pushed out a two-story window, but she's never been afraid. Now, however, she has finally come across a ghost who decides to hunt her just as she begins a relationship with a telekinetic. As the ghost attacks become more violent, she has to decide if she cares enough about her love interest to learn why his mouth bleeds and his temper roars after a visit to a haunted house, which seems to entwine him with the ghost. This is a story about the agonizing need to protect love. Dead or alive."
posted by The Empress @ 11:38 AM
99 comments
99 Comments:
"Through this process, she has been punched, slapped, and pushed out a two-story window, but she's never been afraid."
well, i guess that's something.
Bumper Nuts.
How does one barter or bargin with a ghost?
If you move to the light, then the law firm that murdered you will give your widowed spouse this brand new car. Let's make a deal.
And if a law firm is murderous why would they care if they created any ghosts?
I bet the writer sat on the toilet and thought real hard for this one. That's where my best material comes from.
When my temper roars,I always say, "No! No! Down! Down! Bad temper!" I used to slap it on the nose with my microphone, but I've since learned that's not really a good idea.
"she has to decide if she cares enough about her love interest to learn why his mouth bleeds..."
Ewwww.
Well obviously it's the gum disease, GINGIVITIS.
Give that man ghost some listerine!
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I hate it when ghosts i'm serving with warrants harass me as soon as i start dating people with telekinetic abilities.
"Mama told me not to date telekinetics, but I wouldn't listen."
Can life get any damned worse? She had dreams of dancing on stage for the President of the World (which is to come), but instead she's going nowhere fast. Chasing ghosts isn't all it's cracked up to be, but at least it pays the bills.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Do you really have to LOVE somebody to say, "Hey, why the hell is your mouth bleeding?"
"You see, Ms. Psychic, there's this ghost who's trying to kill me. It's an entity of pure evil that can destroy you with a single touch. It's made of the spirits of a dozen clients who were murdered by my own hands when they discovered I swindled them out of their fortunes and put their families in the street. Can you help me?"
"Sure, I'll ask it if it'd prefer to have a nice little chat with grandma."
(if I was the lawyer, I'd punch, slap and push that woman out of a window too)
What do you tell a psychic with 2 black eyes?
Nothin, you done told her twice already!
"...to get them to stop trying to kill the attorneys who wronged them..."
Wait, so the ghosts are only TRYING to kill the murderous lawyers? Leave it to lawyers to make more work for everybody.
"...she has to decide if she cares enough about her love interest to learn why his mouth bleeds and his temper roars after a visit to a haunted house..."
Woman, you need to read "He's Just Not That In To You"...I think the "Bleeding Mouth and Roaring Temper Excuse" is Reason #14.
one word: "DITTO"
i find it funny/weird that instead of the plot being about the psychic trying to stop the lawyers from killing more people it's more about the psychic saving this telekinetic (what is this X-MEN?) from a killer ghost.
Wait, she's trying to save murderous lawyers? Talk about a girl with messed priorities. No wonder she's having a hard time deciding to dump her mouth-bleeder boyfriend.
Meg:
You're a lawyer. Does your firm have a resident psychic on staff to handle angry ghosts, and if not, where can I send my resume.
P.S.
Bumper nuts!
I think the funniest thing in the whole query is "Dear Ladies and Gentlemen". Obviously never been inside the gates.
Murderous law firm, ghosts of wronged clients, revenge from beyond the grave, dead people--I just know there's a "pro bono" joke in here somewhere.
The 2 things that bothered me:
1) She barters and bargains with the dearly departed to get them to stop trying to kill the attorneys who wronged them.
WHY? She seems to be playing for the the wrong team. Oh wait. The law firm probably pays well.
2) She has to decide if she cares enough about her love interest to learn why his mouth bleeds.
Um? Herpes? Loan sharks punching him in the mouth? The Black Death? Again, she seems to be playing with the wrong team. Dump him.
I love this website!
"...she has finally come across a ghost who decides to hunt her just as she begins a relationship with a telekinetic"
GOSH!!!! didn't you silly ghosts get the picture that I wanted to be hunted? How many signals does a girl have to send?
Sure, you FINALLY start hunting me long after I gave up on being hunted and settled for a telekinetic entwined roaring guy. Can't you see I'm BUSY now?
DANGED PARANORMAL MOUTHBLEEDERS!
GROSS!!!!!
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"...she has finally come across a ghost who decides to hunt her just as she begins a relationship with a telekinetic"
GOSH!!!! didn't you silly ghosts get the picture that I wanted to be hunted? How many signals does
"...she has finally come across a ghost who decides to hunt her just as she begins a relationship with a telekinetic"
GOSH!!!! didn't you silly ghosts get the picture that I wanted to be hunted? How many signals does
Hmmmmmm...
This could be done as a comedy...
Staring Adam Sandler as "The Bleeder"....
Wedding Singer meets Shaun of the Dead...
Tie ins with the ADA and the Neptune Society...
I'd really love to know what it takes to get a comment deleted here.
As a Hollywood outsider, I'm done bemoaning the crap that makes it to the screen. If this site is any indication, the studios are choosing the best scripts they see to make into movies.
Personally, I'd rather see "Bumpernuts: The Motion Picture"
"Logline: Love never dies. It attacks.
Isn't this the longline for the Courtney Love bio?
I hear Patrick Swayze's looking for work. (shrug)
thelastditch.blogspot.com
...pushed out a two-story window...
That's some big window. I wonder what floor it's on.
Isn't this just a crap version of The Frighteners?
This woman must be pretty awful if the ghost would rather hunt her than the murderous lawyers... So we care about her fate why exactly?
"Love never dies. It attacks."
That's what penicillin is for.
She gets pushed out a two story window and was never afraid? Holy Shit. What a set of bumpernuts on that chick. (sorry, done2death)
Gobiasinc: I am sorry, we only employ Zombies. I always try to get my clients to go towards the pretty lights and have nice chats with grandma BEFORE they try to kill me. I find it's easier to get them to pay the retainer if they're alive.
I think we need to find another profession to pick on. Granted, with thier murderous zombie ways most lawyers (excluding Meg, probably) make themselves pretty easy targets, but can't we do better? Let's go after teachers, or firemen, or some other group of local heroes. We need to make it difficult. Why not the homeless? I've met some truly evil homeless people in my day but rarely see such a character on film. And I mean real evil, not that "pushed to evil by society" crap. And fuck the Amish!
(sorry, got a little ahead of myself with that last bit)
"Excluding Meg, probably."
Thanks Reg.
I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, Meg. I hear that's an important concept with the undead...er, lawyers.
Here's hoping you never need these, Reg:
http://www.gunoil.com/product_one.php?id=5
Amazing. I just hope to someday see the infomercial at 3:00 am. I imagine Ron Popeil in a speedo and a bunch of testamonials with before and after pictures. Disgusting.
Now I no longer hope to see the infomercial as I believe I may have done myself permanent harm in even imagining it. I am now contemplating a labotomy or shock treatments to cut or burn the image from my brain.
Damn you Meg! Well played.
If we lawyers ever showed emotion or laughed I would be laughing right now. As it is, I am forced to stare stonily at my screen and resist the urge to bill you for my time.
I just bought a set of chrome bumpernuts for a friend of mine. He's a Harley rider and his birthday is coming up. I'll report back on the outcome. I'm going to play it straight and see if he'll actually put them on the bike. I don't have the guts to get him a codpiece.
Reg, good luck with the shock therapy. I have a bigger problem. I'm a single woman, and after viewing that web site, I now look at men with even more suspicion than before.
And yet, I'm grateful to Meg for the heads-up. Forewarned is forearmed.
Now if only I could get a foreskin joke in here, I'd be cookin'.
Reg, how would you know what size..uh..codpiece (is that what you would really call it? Somehow I can't see Henry VIII with one. Actually, I have seen his armor, never mind) to get him? Did it come in sizes? I didn't have the balls (hahahahaha, sorry) to check.
Sorry for the excessive use of parenthesis there (weakness of mine).
I don't know for sure, Meg, but my operating theory is that if you're going to start off in that direction you might as well get the biggest thing they have. If you're going to cheat, cheat big.
Are you sure you're not a lawyer?
Nope, Hedge fund guy. Way scummier but far enough removed from the mainstream to still be able to pretend otherwise.
Poor Reg. I'm sure there's a time-traveling-chicken-footed-zombie-hedge-fund-guy-who-has-run-into-a-nightmare-of-democracy-at-a-Tucson-archaeological community-who-falls-for-a-drugged-out-hooker-who-sleeps-in-the-rough script out there just waiting to be written.
Hey...
I think "Chicken-Footed-Zombie" would be a great name for a band. Or a recipe.
I have that recipe here! It's a Great British classic. It starts:
First take your chicken footed sharky (if you can't get fresh then dried will do)...
Re: Meg's post and link
What I can't believe is that someone may have actually written and signed a testimonial.
jma
Working Title: "Send Lawyers, Guns, and Buffy"
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