It's Tourrettes Syndrome. Idiot! Gosh!

"Our gal is an A-list, top-notch, big-city, big-business wedding planner who has masterminded her own perfect wedding not only because she deserves the greatest wedding imaginable but because she wants to land the big fish - her presumably engaged, celebrity, billionaire, businessman (and old flame). He will attend her own wedding to experience her genius first hand. Her fiancé is very laid back. He's a high school teacher, coach and self-proclaimed simple guy. That's what we know.

What we don't know is that her best friend, maid of honor and 'disgruntled employee' has her own vows for this day. She's devising a future that includes planning her boss's ex's wedding herself. To make things worse there's an X-factor. A common friend of theirs means well but has a knack for being in the right place at the perfect time doing the wrong thing.

The table is set as:
-A surprise gift leads to a drunken priest.
-A fabricated contest leads to the bride's mom and the groom's mom wearing the exact same dress.
-A bridesmaid has bad timing and Terrets syndrome.
-A groomsman has equally bad timing and narcolepsy.
-An extravagant food fight undermines an exquisite wedding hall.
-And. . . An Elvis impersonator leads the band.

As the wedding progresses into a hellish nightmare, her fiancé is pushed further and further away and into the arms of his angelic co-worker and confidant. Where will he find true romance? In his new wife or the forbidden fruit? Can the go-getter, wedding planner fend off advances from her billionaire ex-lover and salvage her own wedding, marriage and reputation? And. . . Will the best man ever stop talking?"

Going where no missionary has gone before!!

"Query - 'Adventures in Space'

'Can God survive in the vastness of Outer Space?'

A woman and her group of College kids attempt to spread the words of Jesus throughout the galaxy. Will they find romance and love aboard their huge Missionary Vessel? Will their young faith in God survive Alien encounters? My script is filled with unusual twists and turns. Anything that can happen will happen. That is the true nature of the Universe."

Shop smart. Shop S-Mart.

"They have battled unspeakable evils; vampires, werewolves, zombies...wholesale. Our two protagonists travel the land on a crusade to rid the world of supernatural forces, while selling the finest plastic eating utensils in the nation. Destiny creates a detour for the salesmen when they encounter a young woman who bears an ancient mark that could bring the destruction of all, or the salvation of one. All on $50 per Diem."

I suggest THE SOPRAYMONDS as a possible title

"LOGLINE: When a battling married couple separate, the wife begins to date the local mob boss who is crazy-in-love with her. Can her husband get her back without getting 'killed'?

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Mario is a rude, obnoxious, little man and he's having a bad day... his business is failing, his 20-something son wants to run away to the Pyramids and his firebrand wife has just thrown him out of the house. But how can he get her back when her new boyfriend just happens to be the local mob boss... the very one he owes money to? It's EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND meets THE SOPRANOS."

I really hope they are lesbians.

"My main character is in the business of murder...and she's very good! She's a female mercenary who unwittingly does work for an extremist group called The Committee. When she loses her estranged sister to a mysterious affliction, her personal and professional worlds collide, resulting in her last-second decision to spare the life of her next target - a powerful senator's nanny. The nanny presents a threat to the secrecy of the Committee having inadvertently overheard incriminating evidence that her boss, a US Senator, is involved in the Committee's domestic terrorist activities. Emotionally off-balance by the nanny's resemblance to her sister, the assassin puts herself in harms way and must rely on her skills to keep the nanny safe.

Forced into hiding, the once cold-blooded killer and the innocent nanny are at odds with each other until they realize the stark similarities in their lives (i.e. painful childhoods).
However, the assassin's struggle with guilt over her sister's death compels her to remain emotionally detached from the nanny until she learns of the Senator's perverse habit of using date drugs to rape his employees. While in hiding the nanny is attacked by bikers, unleashing the assassin's fury. She nearly kills the men except the nanny has seen enough bloodshed and begs the assassin to spare the man's life. She learns an important lesson from the nanny: that ALL life is sacred and she vows to protect her prisoner at all costs. From watching the nanny, our heroine begins to understand that there is more control and strength in allowing one's self to 'feel' and be vulnerable than there is in trying to be invincible.

The two soon uncover the hard truth about the Committee: they have plans to put a sleeper in the White House! Now they must try to put an end to the Committees treasonous dealings. However, the band of deadly killers hasn't given up their chase. In the end, the assassin must confront a former ally and her most formidable opponent to save the nanny's life."

It's like I set off a bomb in my script submission archive and little bits of script here and there fused together all funny

"We have just completed a new fantasy MOW pilot and would like to know if you'd be interested in seeing a copy with an eye toward possible representation.

Set in a fictional pentagram-shaped city, our script pits five lost souls - a former horseman of the Apocalypse with no memory of his past, a repentive vampire, a teen werewolf, a beautiful siren and a former CIA assasin against The Angel of Death. In order to redeem themselves, they must stop Death from secretly amassing souls to take over the Earth.

The pilot MOW episode introduces us to the horseman, his love interest a lovely doctor, an angel name who tells the horseman of his destiny, his soon to be compatriots as well as Death. The story examines the conflict between good and evil, being true to who you are and redemption."

Smooth Operator

"When a washed-up soul singer loses his wife and twin boys to a wealthy white attorney, he desperately tries to win them back.

1992 CHICAGO

The story opens with an introduction to A and B two 'old school' soul singers on the verge of cracking the big time. But there is dissension in the ranks. One of them feels as though he has been relegated to back-up status. He decides to quit the band and go it alone.

FIVE YEARS LATER

A has made it to super star status leaving B in the dust, singing and dancing Karaoke at the local bar. B's wife is tired of B's late nights, womanizing and lousy work habits. She abruptly leaves B with her two twelve-year old twins in tow. She calls B to inform him that she has met a man, a white attorney, and has moved in with him in a ritzy neighborhood in IL. B's not going down without a fight. He's got one shot and has to make it count. The 1997-1998 Bulls sixth championship season provides the timeline. B tries to win back his wife and kids while Michael Jordan and the Bulls try to win their sixth and final championship in the Jordan era."

Risky Business II: Old Hat

"My script follows a college senior as he attempts to complete a successful summer internship. When his coveted position at a prestigious investment bank falls through, he is forced to go with Plan B - a job at a brothel. With a scholarship and his future on the line, he must produce an academic paper on his experience at a place not noted for scholarly pursuits."

Didn't you read the article in EW that action movies are dead??

"Are you afraid?

This screenplay is based on my first novel, published in March 2005 and under a pen name. This is the suspenseful and thrilling story of an FBI agent's hunt for the terrorists responsible for brutally killing his family. As the agent aggressively pursues his investigation, there is the growing fear that a U.S. Senator may have aided the terrorists in attacks against Americans. He is propelled in his hunt, by continued terrorist attacks, which are called 'lessons' by the responsible terrorist, known only as 'The Teacher.'

The story is unique in the sense that the theme is very timely and it further provides insight into the recruitment of terrorists. Various settings, such as Las Vegas and Washington, DC, are effectively utilized to not only maintain the fast pace of the story, but also to increase visual appeal. This is not the standard action thriller. This script has a hero, who relies not only on his physical skills and abilities, but also on his mind."

Is he talking about Cimex lectularius or Cimex hemipterus?

"I wanted to let you know that I have finished a horror screenplay and was wondering if you would like to see a copy.

Fact: In any given mattress there are over 10,000 bedbugs.

Fact: Bedbugs feed solely on blood and dried skin, causing them to grow at least a quarter of an inch in length and their clear bulbous backs to turn dark red.

For a police chief (who's a Dennis Quaid type) and his new family - a wife, a rebellious teen step-son and precocious five-year-old daughter- Normal, Illinois offered a haven away from the hustle and crime of the East Coast.

From its quaint tudor stores to the popular Strawberry Festival/carnival, which brings tourists from around the mid-west, Normal was the way life should be.

Then the killings began.

First, a high school football star is torn to shreds by an invisible force in front of his girlfriend.

Then a boy scout troop camping in the woods, mysteriously disappears.

Followed by an attractive grocery store clerk.

All at the hand of a mysterious killer. All eaten to the bone.

With paranoia and fear gripping the town and a politically-focused mayor breathing down his throat, the chief digs deeper and deeper into the deaths. Only to come up with nothing.

Enter an entomologist with the University of Illinois. He tells our guy he's here to help. Or is he?

Not taking a particular liking to the creepy scientist, the chief has a hunch that he holds some sort of key.

The answer he finds - somewhere in the town's elaborate sewer system - will change he and his family forever.

The only question that remains is can he save them from the horror he discovers?"

And by "agency" you mean porn ring?

"Logline: A young woman struggles with unexpected fame, and her addiction to perfection.

Genre: Drama

An aspiring model/fashion designer is interviewed by a big-shot agent at Hawthorne agency (not a real agency)This agent veers the model towards the career that best suites her talent, acting."

Quo usque tandem abutere patentia nostra?

"Greetings......I have taken my screenplay idea for conclave and am re-working the story into an 8-part TV movie series{like the "Rome" TV movie series on HBO}. It will be about St. Catherine of Sienna. I have pasted the synopsis below. The full script is available. Please advise if you would have further interest in the project.

Genre: 8-part TV Movie Series/Historical Drama
Circa: 1305-1417 AD Historically correct
Locale: Avignon/Rome/Siena
Budget: Med

Log Line:
A corrupt Conclave elects a Pope who moves from Rome to Avignon, leading to the “Great Schism”, while the heroic actions of St. Catherine of Siena, reconciles the church."

Another few didactic paragraphs and you'll be entering Ted Kaczynski land, my friend. Angry manifesto, much?

"This script chronicles vapid, shallow and empty lives of Tinsel Town's super rich---their utter lack of knowledge and interest in the new intellectual currents that are sweeping our world, intellectual currents such as structuralism, semiotics, deconstruction, feminist theory and gender politics. The film recreates the infamous encounter between television show-host Matt Lauer and Tom Cruise.

We have a reporter for a small Northeast Alabama newspaper who travels to Washington D.C. for a presidential press conference. He is shocked by the callousness and low intellectual level manifested by our American president. He then travels to Hollywood where he hopes to meet rational, intelligent people who are interested in what is happening in the intellectual world. Instead he is shocked and disappointed by the low intellectual level manifested by the denizens of this hedonistic, shallow and superficial culture. He interviews the rich and the famous and comes away with the sensation that Hollywood is simply another red-necked hillbilly segment of American bourgeois culture at large.

At a time when America is a nation in crisis, led by incompetent, bumbling callous leadership, Hollywood is obsessed with its money, its deals and its lavish, opulent and sybaritic lifestyles. It operates on roughly the intellectual and spiritual level of a Russian mafia hit-man. This is for those producers who enjoy films that discuss the new intellectual currents that are sweeping across our universities and the face of American culture."

The Suck Files

"As alien abductions continue to be reported around the world, UFO researchers apply pressure on the government to end the secrecy.

Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Thriller

Who can stop these kidnappings when the government will not talk and will not help? A group of abductees join forces and hatch their own plan: to initiate contact with the aliens, hypnotize two of them, then capture and question them with media present and live television coverage. Turning the tables on the extra-terrestrials is an unprecedented move on the part of ordinary citizens to overcome their victimization and end the secrecy surrounding the abduction phenomenon. A surprise ending stimulates a shift in one's thinking about the abduction phenomenon."

Personally, I prefer Beer Pong

"Logline: When a college fraternity declares war on a beloved local bar, the only way to settle the dispute is do what they do best: get SLOSHED and play BALL!

Genre: Comedy

The wealthy Delta Kai Deltas have recently been expelled from their University baseball diamond for bringing a keg onto the field. But this wasn't some fraternity prank - it was practice! Sloshball practice! Determined to continue their championship season, the cocky Deltas look to build a Sloshball field at their frat-house. The only thing that stands in their way is Mickey's Old Oak Tavern: a beloved hole-in-the-wall dive that sits precisely where the new field will be. The plan is simple, sabotage the bar until they capitulate. But Mickey and his fellow boozehounds aren't going to leave without a fight. The frat offers a generous proposal: a winner-take-all Sloshball jubilee. The stakes are high with both sides poised to make the other leave the block for good. But first, Mickey and the bar boys have to figure out just what the hell Sloshball is!

Sloshball is the inebriated game that is sweeping college campuses and children's playgrounds nationwide. Put simply enough, it's softball with a beer keg. Mitts are allowed, but make sure you can hold your 16 oz cup... and get ready to drink every time the ball is hit (Oh, and don't even think about running to third without "Shotgunning" your beer on second - Thems the rules, babe)."

Live! Hot Nude Sasians!

"Subject : Bare Breasted Dances in India.

Dear [Empress],

With due deference to your exalted creative calibre, I have the pleasure and privilege to write to you regarding the above-mentioned subject. I am an incorrigible dreamer and I’ve dreamt a controversial provocative concepts that have strong hooks and that appeal to TV audiences worldwide. You are aware that bare breasts are a no-no in India, where even a scantily clad woman at Mumbai’s Juhu Beach can create chaos !

This project encompasses Bare Breasted Tribal Dances by the Onges, the Abujmarias, the Bondas, the Dangis, the Uralis, the Nagas and the civilized dances performed in Indian metropolis by the delighted privileged performers with scantily clads semi-nudes and sometimes bare breasted apparels. All are mingled up with the eternal feelings of joy and ecstasy. We could easily find our cultural root in the primitive era. One could subscribe it in any form but the realm of the heritage we owe should be acknowledged.

Bare Breasted Dances in India is unique in indigenous style and the first Documentary in the history of Docu-Film arena and also it would be my directorial debut. We are offering Total Rights incl. Acquisition, worldwide sales, International Marketing & Distribution, DVD, VHS and the Internet edition, Translated & Dubbing edition for all countries. We are asking Total Finance with Post Production facilities in LA where any celeb of your choice will lend her voice as VJ with her gracious presence."

A Christmas Query

"Hi there,
Searching for a Christmas special? Look no further.

Logline: An arrogant doctor obsessed with materialism finds the true meaning of Christmas after his expensive fur coat is stolen by an angry street bum.

Synopsis: A clinic doctor in the inner city lives the high life. For Christmas, he receives an expensive fur coat, which he plans to 'enter' into a competition he has going with a fellow doctor concerning who can accumulate the most expensive Christmas gifts. While driving his BMW to work the next day, he hits the shopping cart of an angry-at-the-world street bum. In retaliation, the bum steals the doctor's coat. This event propels the doctor to search beneath the surface of his frivolous obsession with materialism. He attempts to befriend the bum, and to seek out an understanding of the homeless problem. The bum, however, scorns the doctor's friendship, unable to deal with an outsider's help. He is beaten and the coat stolen by a gang. He is left for dead in the subzero weather, and gets frostbitten fingers. The doctor finds him, and fits him with plastic hands. The coat is recovered and instead of keeping it, the doctor gives it to his new patient. The bum refuses it, and confesses to the doctor that he stole the coat. Instead of turning him in, the doctor offers to take the bum into his home, expressing the true heart of charity. The bum accepts the offer and the gift of the doctor's friendship.

Argh... don't exploit 9/11 unless you can back it up.

"Synopsis: At the very moment the Twin Towers fall, a lapsed Catholic and her husband, a non-practicing Jew, see the first sonogram images of their unborn child. They soon learn that their unborn child has a potentially fatal heart defect. The couple and their respective families deal with this new challenge to what remains of their faith very differently. The wife, a veterinarian, finds unexpected healing after she volunteers to treat cadaver search dogs working at Ground Zero. Her interaction with one special dog and his handler slowly alters her beliefs about how to deal with her personal crisis. The husband, an attorney, attempts to find solace in the supposedly rational world of the law. As the date of the birth draws near, the two of them must decide whether to risk an experimental surgery that, if successful, may prolong their child's life but at a profound cost -- the child will be in almost constant pain. Eventually, life-altering choices -- and sacrifices -- must be made and the meaning of "faith" in the post 9/11 world is challenged."

I doubt even Lifetime would consider this for the Movie of the Week.

"LOGLINE: A young German woman and Jewish man flee Nazi Germany in search of peace, but find that their previous lives will haunt them wherever they go.

Genre: Drama / True Story

A German woman and a Jewish man fall in love during World War II and try to plan their future even as the world they know is dying around them. He finds a new identity and plans to escape to South America while she struggles to reach him and leave her motherland behind. He throws himself into his new role and disavows his Jewish background, hiding it even from their children. As the Nazi influence spreads throughout Europe, they flee yet again to the shores of America which promise a new start, but find that some problems can never be outrun. He continues to live a lie, hiding his Jewish heritage from everyone and forcing his wife to keep the secret with him. But the lie only serves to force them ever further apart. As she nears the end of her life, the weight of her secrets lead to a powerful revelation and the final days of her life are very different from those she imagined."

This feels redundant to me.

"Logline: The story of Jesus told as a parable. On a world called Terra, a young man is prophesied to free his people from tyranny through making the greatest sacrifice of all.

Genre: Religion/Fantasy

In a mythical world ruled by a line of tyrant kings, a young man watches the murder of his father at the hand of the kings' evil henchmen. Later in life, he discovers he discovers he is the one prophesied to free his people and to rule the nation. He struggles with accepting his destiny, especially when it appears to cost him the love of his life as well as leads to the death of his men and their rejection of him as leader. As he finally comes to grips with his calling, he discovers that being the Second Adam will require him to make the ultimate sacrifice. He chooses to trust in his God and in doing so saves his people. The movie ends with a twist, it is a parable based on another story, a true story that has impacted the world. And he represents a man whose life has changed the world."

Sue your girlfriend for being too smelly 'coz she doesn't wear deodorant!

"Log Line:
Sue your neighbor before he sues you, because eventually he will.

Synopsis:
We have a cock-sure, young trial attorney with a 'litigation' problem. He loves to sue. Everywhere he goes he sees potential lawsuits. Coffee too hot, sue. Ice cream too cold, sue. Doctor fails to cure you, sue. Your burger's got too many calories, sue. Can't break the nasty habit of smoking, sue. The cases may be frivolous, and they may border on the ridiculous, but as long as they are profitable, they have merit.

He meets his match when he takes on a class action lawsuit against the organic fast-food chain. During his research, he falls an organic food specialist. She's his polar opposite- a free-spirited, environmentalist waif, who spends her weekends tree-sitting in redwoods.

The organic food chain case takes on epic proportions, when the leading Los Angeles Law Firm makes him a partner in the hopes of using the class action suit as a spring board to sue the whole organic food industry. He stands to become a very rich and famous litigator if he can win.

As his career begins to skyrocket, he discovers that his crush is the daughter of the organic food chain's owner, which forces him to conceal and out right lie to her about what he's doing. In the meantime, she believes she's making progress in getting him to fight for what is right instead of just for the bottom line. But when the truth comes out, he must choose between his career and his relationship."

Oh, Daddy, I'm so sorry I sicced the nano-machines at you! They're currently eating your insides!

"This a unique screenplay that combines poignant characters with wild action and thought-provoking ideas about nanotechnology, is now available. It tells the story of a brilliant but socially awkward teenager who discovers a top-secret military technology and reprograms it to give himself incredible power over reality. After escaping from his dysfunctional home, he must decide how to use his power while facing simultaneous pursuit by the US government, foreign terrorists, and his own repentant father."

Blazing Doublets: Men in Hose

"This romantic comedy adventure takes place in 1545 England conveniently just before Shakespeare's birth. It's like watching Blazing Saddles, Men in Tights, and Princess Bride while singing Broadway show tunes and misquoting Shakespeare. A prominent film editor has likened this to "Shakespeare on Crack". The project could easily be done with a small budget although with a larger budget it would be great to hire someone like Jim Carrey as the bumbling French cook.

The plot is the familiar trading of places with the Prince of England and a poor pauper boy with a twist: All the mighty army of England can't save the prince because an evil lord commands them. So it's up to the poor pauper boy and an unlikely cast of idiots who must try to save England without killing each other in the process. It would be fun to get John Cleese to play the almost deaf (from too many explosions) Medieval gadget guy and Will Ferrell as the phantom of the dungeon. There's also a love triangle of mistaken identities adding to the chaos. Mel Brooks has the last line in the film."