Thursday, June 30, 2005

The Spliffin' Avengers, dude

"LOGLINE: After smoking radioactive marijuana, two friends gain superpowers and embark on a mission to fight political injustice.

A coinciding online comic is in development."

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

I really hope that the Hand of Fate is a character. Like, as in, a big giant hand.

"Two Muslim friends on opposite sides of the globe get caught up in the War on Terrorism and are reunited by the hand of fate."

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Short, concise, encompasing... and it still sounds like drivel.

"A young woman tormented by terrifying visions, a grandmother sworn to secrecy, a trip to Africa, and the unleashing of an ancient evil terror equal a frightening supernatural tale of consequence in the battle of good and evil."

Ho hum city.

"To Whom It May Concern:

May we present...

An action-adventure, the likes of which has never been told before, a tale crossing the boundaries of time, tribes, and truths.

Meet our heroine, a 19-year-old peppery Edwardian English rose archaeologist who's willing to risk it all for...A FAIRY TALE???

Our story begins in the here and now with her great granddaughter, forced to spend a summer in the English countryside...

Dumped by her parents at a wacky auntie's, the 14-year-old discovers her great-grandmother's ancient journal, chronicling her quest to the "Atlantis of the Sands," a world where she must overcome Edwardian attitudes of her pompous colleagues, shifting sands, feuding tribes, poisonous creatures, and even a genie. While trying to uncover the long-lost secrets of this mythical city and prove herself equal among her fellow archaeologists, her great-grandmother unwittingly stumbles upon a magical treasure that unlocks the gateway to colliding worlds of the past, present and future.

How much further apart could her and her great-grandmother's worlds be? Or are they? For in the end...it is only just the beginning...

If you are interested in unlocking our secrets..."

Monday, June 27, 2005

Yes!!! Lesbians! I can see it now: "Lizzie Borden: Axxxe Murderess"

"Title: THE WATERCRESS

Log Line: An infamous murderess fights to live and love on her own terms.

Genre: Historical/Psychological Drama

'Lizzie Borden took an ax and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done she gave her father forty-one.' Then she was acquitted. Lizzie considers her infamous past to be ancient history, however the prurient public does not. When she falls in love with actress Nance O'Neill, Lizzie pays a high price."

Friday, June 24, 2005

And by 'church' I really mean Church of Scientology and that crazy crazy Tom Cruise.

"A veteran detective is on the trail of what he believes to be a vigilante when he learns a large 'church' congregation may be responsible for a series of gruesome revenge killings."

Thursday, June 23, 2005

The conclusion of an epic SHARKOS trilogy!

"Please allow me to introduce you to my latest script, THE RETURN OF SPACE SHARKS, last episode of the trilogy KING SHARK, PLANET SHARK.

THE RETURN OF SPACE SHARKS Space Shark dies and is buried at the bottom of the ocean, by the evil sharkies. Planet Sharkos is now being ruled by the ancient evil sharkie priests. Under their command, a huge and vast army of evil sharkies is sent to invade planet earth. General Sharkmembrane leads them. However, accidentally, they destroy Sharkos, their own planet, during their mission. Now, invading earth is the only possibility for them to survive. Will the evil sharkies accomplish their mission and rule over mankind? How?"

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I shot the sheriff...

"Since childhood, a man has been obsessed with western outlaws and has fantasized about being one himself. The discovery of a magical time portal leads him to 1883 and the dream is made true as he robs banks and stagecoaches, leaving with a kiss to one of the ladies, then escaping to 2005 with his booty. But the bliss of infamy sours when John hooks up with two grizzly outlaws who shoot a deputy during a getaway. The mangy two chase John and their cut of the dough through the swirling lights of the portal and connect with a posse of 21st century bikers all of whom now join in an effort to track John down.

Turns out that's just the least of John's troubles..."

Dude, *burp* I think I f*cked up my buddy here.

"A young alcoholic snowboarder tries to make a comeback after a tragic accident leaves his best friend disabled.

Genre: Drama/Action

The main character, turns his back on the sport he loves after he causes a tragic accident involving his best friend. He battles his way back to respectability as he competes for a spot on the U.S. Olympic team, but first he has to confront an old rival and come face to face with the guilt of the accident."

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Swords n' Sandals epics are SO over -- deal with it.

"Three very different lives intertwine in an ironic tapestry of fate set against the backdrop of the Roman Empire.

Genre: Adventure / Drama

One man lives his life as a lowly beggar, but his luck changes when he helps a young prisoner escape a gruesome death in a sinking ship. From the bench of the destroyed ship, the first man carves a beggar's bowl which soon directs and changes the course of his life. Meanwhile, the prisoner goes on to become the most ruthless bandit in the empire, even while constantly being hunted by the ship's disfigured whip master. Meanwhile, a poor slum boy grows up to become a famous matinee idol. But he's plagued by a lifelong curse and every dog that comes near, despises and attacks him. Soon, the lives of all three will converge, in this tale of a beggar, a bandit and an actor, as one sets in motion the great fire that will burn Rome to the ground."

Monday, June 20, 2005

SHARKOS meets MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION

"'A lonely girl finds a friend in a magical dream world and together they must defend it from evil.'

Genre: Fantasy/Adventure

A 12 year old girl finds it impossible to make a friend. One night she falls asleep and travels to a dream world called Creativity. Once there she meets a boy who becomes her one and only friend. Their peaceful adventure is soon shattered by the evil intentions of the a villain, intent on using them to escape to the real world."

Friday, June 17, 2005

Idiot! Gosh! It's a boy named SUE.

"After seven years at Med School, a man returns to save his hometown! There's just one problem... he's not a doctor, he's a mechanic!

A BOY NAMED SARA is the story of Sara Wayne. His hometown of Plainstown, Iowa is in need of a doctor, as the old doctorwill be retiring soon. The town believes that he has been at Med School for the past seven years, when in reality he graduated from Earl's 2-week School of Tools and Stuff. Now home, Sara enlists the help of his eccentric buddy. Together they scheme, lie, and fool the town all while trying to find a way to save it! A BOY NAMED SARA is a relentless non-stop comedy. It has been described as DOC HOLLYWOOD meets BRUCE ALMIGHTY with a dash of MEET THE PARENTS."

Relentless single-point-of-view-of-suck

"'A young, successful businessman flees a tragic accident and reinvents himself as a Greenwich Village musician until guilt catches up with him, and he decides to give up everything to return and make dramatic restitution for his crimes.'

Genre: Redemption Drama (with a music sub-theme)

We have a 33 year old dreamer who feels trapped in his mundane (but lucrative) career and his impending marriage to his all too perfect fiancé. His well-ordered life is upended when on a dark, rainy night he drives over the curb and into a bus bench. When he sees the body of a homeless man lying near the bench, he panics and finagles his own disappearance, melding into the Greenwich Village music scene. For the first time in his life, he finds himself free to pursue his musical dreams, but through the influences of an eccentric rock singer, a homeless poet, a beautiful dancer (the love of his life), and ironically, his own music he realizes he must sacrifice all in order to right his wrongs and redeem himself.

This is a truly unique drama with deeply drawn characters, intelligent dialogue, comedy lurking behind every tragedy, some original songs (great soundtrack potential), and a multi-layered story. It is presented in a relentless single-point-of-view perspective."

Thursday, June 16, 2005

I hate you, Mom! You're ruining my life!

A woman gives birth to her third son in the back of a pick up truck, while her young husband lies dead nearby in a creek bed. Left alone to raise her three boys on their vast Mexican ranch, she grows resentful as life seems to pass her by.

Years later, she finds love and a chance at a new life in New York City, and she wishes her sons to run the ranch once she leaves. But the oldest yearns only to be an artist and falls in love with a woman that she cannot accept into their family. After an angry fight, two sons join the army, in time for the Vietnam War and all the grief that will bring. She then pulls the youngest son from high school and gives him the responsibility of managing the ranch which is supposed to make him a man but only serves to drive him farther away from her.

None of the sons want what their mother has strived to protect, and the land she's fought so hard to keep together is about to come undone, as is her family if she chooses to pursue her own happiness.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

CINDERELLA MAN meets THE LADYKILLERS? And carnies... small hands... smell like cabbage...

"Logline: Sometimes even a small crime can pay off big!

Genre: Action / Crime

Synopsis: A Coen Brothers styled crime caper about a down and out ex-boxer, who stumbles upon a robbery being planned by a trio of ex-carnys (a dwarf, a sideshow strongman, and a lady fortune-teller)."

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Revenge is a dish best served cold

"I have written a screenplay which I would like to submit for your consideration. This is a dark drama about a reticent middle-aged man who is emotionally closed-off from the world, and is my eighth script. When his wife leaves him he is left with nothing but his loneliness and the memory of a childhood ruined by the bullies who tormented him. He hates them for their cruelty, hates himself for not fighting back, and blames them for his misery. The trigger which unleashes his rage is seeing his grandson similarly abused. He becomes obsessed with one idea: to track down his enemies and kill them.

Ah, sweet revenge! For the main character, murder brings a rebirth, a surge of power coursing through his veins, an aphrodisiac. Throwing off the chains of his past, he reaches out to his wife and to his estranged son. But murder, even when committed to right a wrong, refuses to release the murderer from its grip. Slowly the wheels of justice begin to turn, he comes face-to-face with the grieving widow of his victim, and the poison of guilt corrodes his happiness. The final question is whether he will be destroyed by his own crime."

No doubt she uses Poison.

"An assistant DA struggles to find his missing wife before she, or New York City, is annihilated. His wife doesn't know the perfume she was given contains a deadly virus...but someone does and they'll stop at nothing to get it back."

You lie! Accountants don't have girlfriends!

"Genre: Thriller/ Romantic Comedy

Logline: A small time accountant uncovers a bizarre conspiracy.

BRIEF SYNOPSIS: Our main man is an American accountant based in Berlin. When he's hired to audit a small local charity that helps refugee children from strife-torn former Iron Curtain countries, he suddenly finds himself caught in a deadly game of cat-and-mouse. What he uncovers sends him running for his life, and threatens to destroy him and the woman he loves."

Monday, June 13, 2005

Tired of her lurid existence, the stripper longed for that quiet existence to be found under a burqa.

"A waiter and a stripper live in Boston. They get fed up with the U.S. government after witnessing both party's conventions and the election. They try and raise the money they need to flee the country through a gambling misadventure in Atlantic City. The waiter finally poses as a Middle Eastern terrorist and robs a bank in NYC. Their actions effect the world.

I have also completed a horror novel which I plan to convert to screenplay format."

Alien VI: Keith

"Keith is an alien who can pass for human, a useful talent that's given him work as The Investigator. He works for a secret society of aliens known as The Visitors and his typical day consists of spying on humans and checking out new arrivals to the planet. But when his partner and a few of the top-level Visitors are killed, he knows his typical days are over. Who is behind the killings? The humans? A rogue alien? Or something else?"

OK, so I forgot about ALIEN VS. PREDATOR (cleverly shortened to AVP) and named this potential flick Alien V as in roman numeral 5. However, in lieu of AVP, it's now Alien VI (6). As a postscript, I present a quick lesson in roman numerals:

I=1
V=5
X=10
L=50
C=100
D=500
M=1000

Before = subtraction, after = addition... in most cases.

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Wow! No one's ever done a movie about this, have they?

In these times when most of the world believes that the United States lies and schemes to get into wars, the 105-page Countdown to Pearl Harbor is just the ticket to a profitable project. The logline is as follows:

Beautiful civilian code analyst and her navy lover believe they are setting
up the Japanese fleet to be smashed, but Roosevelt and Hopkins have other ideas.

This behind the scenes thriller needs no special effects, and is true. President Clinton signed the law admitting the commanders at Pearl were denied critical information.

Paging Steven Segal

"Logline: Fifty-year old down-and-out alcoholic is kidnapped and given a choice: Fight in a death match in two weeks or die."

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Only one character in the entire movie? That sounds awful.

"I have just finished polishing an S/F story about an ultimate bomb that destroys the planet. A lieutenant finds he's the sole survivor on a reborn Earth. He struggles with loneliness and is tortured by possible immortality."

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

I'm bulemic............................. you can read minds?!!??

"Dear Agent/Producer:

I am seeking interest in my original film script and am delighted to submit this query for your consideration. This is a romantic comedy centered around four people who converge in a small Nebraska town for a weight loss seminar hosted by a popular fitness guru. Characters include two friends who share an astronomic Las Vegas jackpot and set out on a cross-country trip; a determined, young public relations professional from Chicago; and a grossly overweight postal carrier from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. As these characters drift toward each other, their lives become inextricably linked at the intersection of a story about having things, losing them, and then finding them again."

When twists become straight and bland...

"Our main character is the nations top cop because of his special gift of insight. Able to see a victims last moments through touch, he is able to find clues in order to catch his killer. His gift turns on him which lands him into a mental institution until his ex-partner recruits him to put an end to a horrific new serial killer on the loose. Reluctantly he accepts only to be surprised by the twisted outcome."

Monday, June 06, 2005

Dear Empress, I have daddy issues. Please validate me. Thank you.

"To Whom It May Concern,

Logline: This is how we got to know our father...through the same lies and manipulation we learned from him.

This script deals with the dark comedic lives of an upper Midwest family that spirals into deception, manipulation, and illicit activity. A tale of how our culture is steeped in lies, untruths and subterfuge. The father is the president of a prominent Jewish organization. Yet he ends up taking his family to the Holy Land in search of the tomb of Christ. He isn't religious. He uses religion to influence people, to gain their trust, to make himself seem 'god-like.'

His daughter narrates the story. Weaving through the sordid tale of her father's infidelity, indiscretions and questionable business activities. Growing up, she watched her father lie and manipulate people to get what he wanted. She never thought he would do it to them.
In the turmoil that develops she and her brother scramble to help their mother stave off the loss of the house, the financial assets and their emotional stability. They reluctantly turn to unsavory methods to distract and divert the ever-suspicious father from learning their true intentions. They eventually become like him. Pained by their duplicitous actions, the family members work tirelessly behind the scenes to insure they can extract themselves from their father's delusional world. All the while putting up a front of normalcy in the face of the newfound 'enemy.'

It is our culture of deception. It is what America sells best. Our most important asset. Bullshit."

Well I wish for a toilet made of solid gold, but that's not exactly in the cards, now, is it?

"'I wish.. I wish..' ....a small orphan girl made a wish to reunite with her lost , beloved family members , and live happily ever after in a grand house -which looks like her dollhouse.
An angle in disguise- of a 6 inch ht. ragdoll , comes in her life from no where , and creates the miracle of 'Wish Granted' ; neither with her magic wand, nor with her supernatural power, but with our very own universal virtue , and human attitude of - 'Love' and ' Giving' !

The main charecter of the wish doll: The wish dolls were conceived to embody a combination of angelic and fairy-like qualities, so there is wisdom and compassion combined with joy, laughter and fun! While there are an endless number of them to be introduced to the world (Love Doll, Faith Doll, Joy Doll, Sweet Dreams Doll, etc.), the message consistently presented with these entertaining, endearing characters. ."

Friday, June 03, 2005

Wait... I'm confused.

"If we veer off our preordained path of life, would predestination make the necessary corrections to get us back on course?

My thriller screenplay explores this concept.

A man, is having an affair, in his sleep, with an unknown dream woman, he later learns he was predestined to die with. He eventually lapses into a world beyond comatose and the only way out is for his wife to enter the same realm and confront him, but he doesn't know who the real dream woman is."

I hope it's just like those giant fruits from SLEEPER. I could do with a giant celery stalk right about now.

"Robotic vultures and mosquitoes, and other programs try to kill an estranged couple, after they have reconciled to save each other's lives from the enemy.

Genre: Science Fiction

A man and his wife parted ways over the selling of his invention, synthetic vegetables and fruits to a rich investor. Their opposing life's works and lack of compromise has made their lives desolate. They have a fighting chance for all their dreams to come true. All they have to do is keep the last of Earth's real vegetation from the enormous bank account of the investor, also the owner of France, Germany and China's supplier of military Robotic Assassination and Spy-ware."

Answer: Probably not be able to have babies since she's probably now a man

"When a male sportswriter slams a famous female wrestler, she challenges him to a grudge match. With Womankind depending on her to defend their gender, and Mankind counting on him, what'll they do when they meet in training and fall in love?"

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Dear Query Writer: Learn to write and screw off. Repeat as necessary.

"Dear Producer, My interest and personal experience in secret Bible codes and with the paranormal, (I am known in the internet dimension as "insert screenname here", has inspired me to write four very commercial self contained supernatural thrillers that can also lend to a franchise. I would like to propose to you one of them.

Logline: After a young man unwittingly releases a demon from the confines of Stonehenge, Satan himself must help humanity defeat the demon before he takes over Hell and defies Biblical prophecy.

Genre: Occult suspense

Synopsis: A man unleashes the demon inside Stonehenge and becomes "ONE" with him. Using his power the demon is able to accomplish many things but his real purpose is to conquer Hell and have his revenge on Satan who confined him in Stonehenge. The mystic circle is destroyed. Two friends now in United States are called back in England from their friend the Bibleman. The scenario is terrific. The man who unleashed the demon becomes the most influent person in that country and proclames himsels "The Messiah". The Bibleman faces him but eventually compelled to be in a coma. The friends separate to take care of the Bibleman but the demon kidnaps one of them, a woman, to put the other over the barrel. A journalist, the male friend's friend, apparently betrayes him but in reality he is helping him writing articles in code. The male friend being alone accepts Satan's offer to be ally to fight the new Demon.There are three fights between the demon and Satan, two of them cause earthquakes and big tsunamis. In the end The demon prevails and conquers Hell. He is trying to change Armaghedon prophecy and he is going to receive power from Satanic sects, the whole Hell and probably from mankind, having proclaimed himslef the promised Messiah. How the friend will be able to defeat this apocaliptic scenario? Also when the war will be over who will take care of his unusual partner Satan?

Please note that I have dual citizenship and I am therefore eligible for all international Co-Productions and finance structures that often apply as films become more and more of an International endeavor."

Title of query (for real - not kidding): "Why is Laddie Crying? - A day at the naplam bomb plant"

"This is a drama about a real event with real people. It centers on a three-month protest vigil at a napalm bomb plant with the story compressed into two days. The story is up-to-date with the main character learning that napalm has been used in the current U.S./Iraq war. This takes him back to the late 60s and the story line at the napalm plant and all the characters and the strange, sometimes heroic, sometimes humerous, and often sad events. The story ends back in 2005 with a dialogue on how little has changed. There is a connection with the community peace organization running the vigil and Stanford University. Characters range from professsors to a one-man demonstration psychiatrist, to revolutionaries, to students, professional people, workers, senior citizens, and right wingers. Author is president of an international peace organization and former senior engineer/manager in Silicon Valley."

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Eeek! When hairless squirrels attack!

"A Halloween road trip ends in a bizarre car accident.

Genre: Horror

A girl and her friends are about to have the most terrifying and unusual Halloween of their lives, when a car accident with a hairless squirrel, leaves them stranded in dark and rainy woods where the horror truly begins."