Remember, kids, aliens + hell portals = AWESOME!!

"We are a father and sons writing team. In the past year we have written three scripts and extensively rewrote and polished them further as the result of professional input. We are especially enthused by our most recent script.

Logline: Father-daughter reunion turns nightmare.

Synopsis: A young woman's reunion with her estranged father in the Bahamas becomes a horrifying nightmare after their scuba diving adventure with family friends turns tragic. Trapped in an underwater cave complex after their friends are killed, the father and daughter make startling discoveries; including finding the remnants of an ill-fated alien mining expedition and in the process accidentally reopen a portal to hell. They desperately search not only for a way out but also for an escape from the devil-beast of myth and legend which they unleashed. The daughter survives but is not the same, even though the injuries to her body heal. Experts believe her mind may never recover. She escapes from a mental hospital to go back and somehow close the portal and destroy the demon only to make another, even more astounding discovery, leading to a spectacular climax, followed by a double surprise ending. 95pgs."

Who's writing crappy scripts?

"Who's murdering the scientists? In this quirky thriller, a college professor and her journalist boyfriend stumble upon a plot to kill off competitors in a high stakes race to develop a hydrogen fuel source that will replace the world's dwindling oil reserves. The villains (an obsessed scientist and a corrupt stockbroker) dispatch the hitmen who pursue the scientist and her boyfriend through the 'wilds' of Las Vegas. (Note: script can be adapted to other parts of the world.)

P.S. You can read the first 20 pages of this script (and my 8 others)on the website [website removed to protect the author from further ridicule]."

Taste this!

"The following is a taste of a highly polished dark psychological thriller.

Logline: A fugitive/businessman suffering from dissociative fugue [a chronic form of amnesia, involving a complete identity transfer) who is a respected member of a friendly community begins to remember his tormented criminal past.

Synopsis: A man happens upon a multiple-auto wreck in the fog. Instead of helping the injured, he robs them, even raping a girl. Later, inspecting the loot in a motel, he discovers a photo of the attractive sister of one of the wreck victims, along with her address; he decides to pay her a visit. He has no way of knowing that the woman is a Ph.D., and hypnotherapist with strong psychic ability. She uses his attempted rape to turn the tables on him, hypnotizing him and programming his future for pain and suffering. She implants him with the identity of a boy who died in adolescence. In the process she violates her own code of ethics and eventually pays a price.

We dissolve 20 years into the future and discover that the man is now the grown up version of the boy, a successful businessman, family man, and respected member of the community. Nott knowing that he's long been suffering from chronic, dissociative amnesia (fugue), he begins to catch glimpses of his past as the reversion to his original personality takes place, just as the psychic planned for him.

He disappears from home and finds himself back at her home, but she's long gone. He is able to track down her brother, a victim of the earlier wreck scene. He learns something of his affliction from the brother, but continues to revert and is eventually found when his car plunges into a river.

The man returns home and finally explains his plight to his wife. Although supported by his family, he continues to become more and more of his original evil self, and to add to his suffering, he's contacted by his degenerate mother, who's recognized him on the news and wants money to shut her up. Also, he's now being tracked by a retired cop who was also a victim at the crash scene.

His reversion now complete, the man flees and has a showdown with his corrupt mother, where she is killed due to an accident that is indirectly his own fault. He is collared and ends up in the county psych ward. While in the process of attempting to see her husband at the ward, the wife encounters the psychic's brother and an eminent German psychologist who have come to the hospital. After some explanation, the wife is also introduced to the psychic, who arrives incognito on the scene. It turns out that she has been in hiding all these years, having faked her death after the encounter at the beginning. Reluctantly, the wife agrees to collaborate with the trio in an attempt to recover her husband's personality. The psychic begins a procedure known as 'the lifting of the veil', risking her own sanity while using her training and experience to penetrate her target's subconscious mind.

The man laughs and invites her in, telling her 'it's your funeral.' In a series of stunning visuals, she hypnotizes the man and gets inside his head, beginning the frightening process of attempting to make his second identiy the dominant, permanent personality. In a nail-biting, emotionally-charged conclusion, she is barely able to pull it off, but she is successful in bringing the family man back as the dominant personality."

Well, I will admit that raze, rape and pillage can be my MO sometimes, especially when dealing with crappy pitches...

"If you unleashed Attila the Hun in a corporation today, gave him a good shave and appropriate business attire, then placed him in a powerful position, would anyone notice? My latest comedic screenplay depicts the tale of a Marketing Executive who becomes possessed by Attila the Hun and wreaks havoc on his firm in an effort to secure the promotion he was destined for. It's AMERICAN BEAUTY meets NETWORK, only ten times more hilarious!"

Chimp Change

A klutzy researcher harbors four trained monkeys from harm in his cramped apartment. After his endearing lab assistant is kidnapped, he’s forced to use the monkeys to pull a heist; the result of which could save a young boy’s life or equate to prison for everyone involved.

42 minutes too long

"I am seeking representation for my first film, 42 minutes, Hi-8, a supernatural love story, magic realism. English with songs in Russian and Greek. Multiracial cast. A deadly love triangle unfolds among a sorcerer, his shape-shifting wife, and her young lover and reveals how many conditions attached to 'unconditional' love.
In order to seduce the lover, the black wife asks the sorcerer: 'Make me young, make me white, make me beautiful... What THEY think is beautiful...' Even though the young man is madly in love with her he cannot overlook our 'earthy' boundaries."

King Crap

"A 3 years old kid who is addicted in TV cartoons, gets swallowed by his TV set, ending at King Shark's island, where together with his new friends, who are also cartoon addicts, they have to run and escape from the evil sharkies that have red eyes and chicken feet! Meantime, King Shark, a huge black and white shark with red eyes too, has his own plans! He wants his island to be aired as a new TV cartoon show! He blackmails
the TV networks, until he finally gets what he wants! He is turned into a worldwide hero! But only Henry and his friends, who are now eleven years old, know the truth! They need to escape his island before they get swallowed!"

I'm shaking in my Christian Louboutins.

"Places with a history of torture always leave something behind -- demonic things that the Universe is about to unleash.

Only the powers of a beautiful, frightened psychic can rescue five doomed prisoners from certain death on cell block 12. All of them expendable human bait in a corrupt government's twisted paranormal investigation. If sadistic guards don't murder them for sport... bloodthirsty vengeful spirits soon will -- slowly and horribly!"

So many things to get displeased about...

"'A Single father unknowingly delivers his love ones into the middle of a hostage situation.'

Genre: Action/Thriller

The Time Is Winding Down! A father stands frozen outside a theatre screening room. Phone in hand. His girlfriend and child are trapped inside. He's commanded, 'Follow Instructions,' inside the mall, before the ending credits... or everyone goes Boom! FLICK."

Worst X meets Y pitch ever

"It's a WILL & GRACE diamond heist type of movie...

LOG LINE: When a young man must pretend to be gay in order to buy a trendy hair salon that's for sale, he paves the way for planning a diamond heist that will destroy the devious man who now own's and runs his father's former jewelry store.

BRIEF SUMMARY: We have a handsome, straight, and single young man. Passing himself off as gay, he convinces a gay male couple who are the proud proprietors of "Diamond Cut," a popular hair cutting emporium that he's the ideal buyer to uphold the time honored tradition of serving it's special clients.

He has a grand plan. He is intent on avenging his father's devastating loss by obliterating a mean spirited crook who had systematically ripped off his father's thriving jewelry business and is now the new owner.

OVERALL COMMENTS: This is a clever high concept comedy that openly takes on a number of important issues including sexual preferences and relationships; loyalty and friendship, the bonding between father and son, betrayal, moral and ethical conduct. The screenwriter delivers with a positive, upbeat and satisfying conclusion which ties all the loose ends together. Lovers unite; father and son come full circle, and the villain gets his just desserts."

He must be a query writer before he gets bitten.

"'A young guy hates his life and wishes he could change, but then he is bitten by a werewolf.'

Genre: Horror

Our main guy has a rubbish life with a dead-end job and no chance with the girls. Then, after being bitten by a strange and savage creature, he decides to change his life, but with the rise of the full moon finds himself actually transforming into something else, with violent and gory results."

The Astronaut's Wife... IS A MONKEY!!!

"A hapless astronaut navigates his way through life utilizing his charm and personality rather than his wits. He’s been in love with space travel since he was a kid, aspiring to be involved with the space program and boldly go where no man has gone before. Along the way, he learned to use people as a means to his ends, especially women. He is ignorant of the hurt and emotional disasters he’s left in his wake.

When NASA decides to monitor the stress and affects of speed of light travel on humans, they select an astronaut that is ‘expendable,’ and who for all intents and purposes won’t be missed if something goes wrong, which they agree is a distinct possibility. They choose him for the first mission. While he’s excited to be getting his chance, he’s dismayed to find they’ve paired him with ‘X,’ a female chimpanzee pilot with much more flight experience. Two NASA scientists are anxious to get him into space. A third scientist believes it’s incumbent upon NASA to let him know about the dangers he faces, including the possibility of not returning to earth. She eventually tells him, risking her own career in the process. He still chooses to continue on with the mission.

A powerful politician from Texas pressures the launch during inclement weather, a negation of standard procedure. The spacecraft is subsequently struck by lightning while still on the pad, causing irreparable damage to one of the electrical circuits, but the problem goes undetected. The launch continues as planned, yet the malfunction eventually causes the spacecraft to be jettisoned into an unplanned and extended flight. This malfunction forces the astronaut and ‘X.’ to spend three calendar months in space at the speed of light, when they return to an earth that has aged 200 years.

When they first arrive on earth in 2205, our guy is unsure where they’ve landed, although the instruments assure him it is earth. He receives no radio feedback on reentry from mission control. They immediately meet a mild-mannered man who initially doesn’t understand that they are from the past, instead believing the shuttle to be a form of ‘classic’ spacecraft and that the astronaut is an enthusiast. The two are introduced to a society and global condition that is vastly improved compared to the one they recently departed. Pollution, crime, war, famine that existed on earth 200 years before is now obsolete and the power structure has shifted to females. In fact, women dominate the planet and men are subservient. There are no longer relationships between men and women.

The pair are quickly ‘met’ by liaisons of the establishment and taken to a processing center. Their ship and belongings are analyzed. In 2205, the earth is devoid of chimpanzees, who have become extinct as a result of mankind’s negligence and the ‘authorities’ are more interested in ‘X.’ than they are in the astronaut. He meets two scientists who will help him acclimate himself to his new environment. All the while, the man who found the two space travelers becomes more enamored with where they came from.

The astronaut has become a better human being during his three months in space with X, but he has a long way to go. He and X have no way to get back home and they must make the best of it. The Governor of States is due to arrive in three weeks and will be in a better situation to assist him with his situation. Until then, he is free to learn what he can about society—and given a shock collar. The female scientist is assigned as his escort. In fact, she is a spy instructed to report to the other scientist. During the following weeks, the astronaut bonds with the other men as he teaches them to play ball and he develops his attraction to his watcher. Also, X. begins to fall ill. The other doctor sees this as her chance to clone X-- for the protection of the species and at the expense of X’s life. She kidnaps X.

The astronaut rushes to rescue X. In the attempt, he feels betrayed by his doctor, who rushes off, presumably to report to the mastermind of the plan. During the final confrontation at the hospital, the Governor of States arrives and his doctor is with her.

The Governor stops the procedure and releases X to the astronaut's care. The evil doctor is taken away in disgrace. Adam learns that his supervisor did not betray him. Rather, she’d alerted the Governor to what her collegue was planning and ultimately saved X. In the aftermath, the Governor explains how their world has shifted off balance and acknowledges that aggression cannot be attributed to either sex. She also surprises him when she tells him that they have the technology for time travel, though it is never used. The Governor makes an exception for X . Despite his feelings for the lovely doctor, the astronaut insists on taking X on a one-way trip home.

As preparations are being made to board the spacecraft back to earth, it is clear that the two of them care for one another. The finding man suddenly grabs X and they jump into the spacecraft and close the hatch. X smiles knowingly as she waves goodbye and the astronaut realizes this is the way it should be. He will stay to build a new world with his doctor, X will go home, and the kidnnapper will realize his dream of going back in time and seeing the Yankees. In the end, he realizes his dream, too—boldly going where no man has gone before."

He chose... poorly. No more bad DaVinci Code rip-offs, please.

"GENRE: SUPERNATURAL COMEDY

LOGLINE: Struggling to soothe the ghost haunting his workplace, the hapless tour guide of an ancient chapel falls through the floorboards into the path of a skeleton army, a rising river of blood, and buried treasure the Knights Templar will do anything to protect.

SYNOPSIS: A guy works as a tour guide at Scotland's historic Rosslyn Chapel. Passed over for several promotions, he is pessimistic about his prospects until strange supernatural events begin happening inside the church. Looking for a chance to be a hero, he calls on old school chum who's now a paranormal investigator in the US. Getting reacquainted doesn't go as well as it might; the pretty lady he hits on at a local bar turns out to be his friend's wife. But they soon begin to develop a grudging respect for each other as they unravel the mystery of the Lady in Black who haunts the chapel. She's the ghost of a young Gypsy who Oliver Cromwell burned alive there in 1650, and she'll knock off her spooking if the two of them can get to her rightful resting place, a Gypsy graveyard a few miles away.

The two men discover why the owners of Rosslyn Chapel refuse to give permission to excavate. Centuries ago, the Knights Templar hid the Holy Grail and other priceless artifacts underneath the chapel, and they've made it clear to the current owners that they'll kill to protect their secret. Therefore, it's all the more alarming when they fall through the old floorboards into a deep underground vault filled with skeletons and demons, collapsing walls and a rising river of blood. Can they get the Lady in Black to her final resting place and come back alive with their jobs and friendship intact?"

So how the hell does it end??? I want the bloody (literally) details!

"This script is loosely based on an old Ghost tale as told throughout Pawley's Island, SC.

The story is based in Pawley's Island, SC where a man lives with his wife, and two daughters and his mother in law. He is a a family man, and he owns and runs a local Lumber/Hardware store.

The ghost tale resurrects each and every year toward the end of summer, and yet the locals speak of him all year long. Many people have witnessed the appearance of a "Man" dressed in Gray rain gear during pending Hurricanes. The hardware store owner is a non-believer, and after experiencing mother - nature's wrath of destruction, he believes he saw something, something on that dark, haunting frightful night. A young local Weatherman is new to the area, and explores the legend of the ghost and seeks answers and finds what he is looking for."

Can you survive the lack of appropriate punctuation.

"A thirty-something loser's bad luck and poor decision making are reaching legendary status. Now after an ultimatum from his parents to find job; can he survive a hitwoman, a street gang, a man eating lion, a postal inspector's advances, working for his older brother, and his own misjudgements long enough to pay his rent."

Daddy, why did you make the scientifically modified, fresh water shark and release it in the Midwest? It scares me! ;-(

"'A scientifically modified, fresh water shark terrorizes a popular resort lake in the Midwest.'

Genre: Thriller/Horror

A 35 year old man is called to a small, lake resort town to attend his estranged father's funeral. On arrival, he discovers that something in the lake has taken the lives of several people - something his father may have set in motion. Now, Pete must face a fear that has kept him away from the water for twenty-five years, a fear that lurks just beneath the murky waters of the lake."

Don't these people get it?? Hitler does not = funny!!

"Adolf Hitler alive? A wannabe 'dream team' of lawyers eagerly interviews their hoped for ticket to fame, an old man who may--or may not--be the hated Nazi leader. Surprises galore in this edgy dark comedy of shifting identities.

'Funny and somehow touching...you write with a sure comedic hand.'
'I love it. It was so wacky I roared!'"

Hmmm... rich Bostonians? Sounds like the Kerry-Heinz family.

"'A young 20 somthing man - orphaned at 13 - finally returns from the Harley world of rural Kansas to the world of wealth and prestige he knew as a boy in Boston.'

Genre: Drama/Comedy

After living for 11 years with his late fathers identical - yet polar opposite - twin brother, the young man is allowed return home to follow in his fathers footsteps as a Lawyer/business man/ senator. He begins to see that he has never been allowed to determine his own life's course; after reconnecting with his wealthy dying grandfather who challenges him to 'Define Yourself!'"

We could get Fat Bastard to play the lead in his "fat stage"

"In the vein of the Stephen King movie THINNER, but as a comedy in reverse. A good-looking, arrogant, gym owner and "Fitness Guru" experiences his worst nightmare. After angering his supermodel girlfriend's Romanian psychic, she places a curse on him. He will gain 5 pounds-a-day, every day, no matter what, until he learns to love fat people. This is a story of one man's difficult journey out of self-obsession, with many life lessons and laughs along the way."

Those pesky Jesuits, always sneaking around...

"Four Jesuit Priests kidnap a Columbia Philosophy Professor and a battle for a two thousand year-old scroll with a prophecy for mankind ensues.

Genre: Action / Thriller / Adventure

If someone gave you a manuscript and told you it would change your life . . . would you read it? What if it meant your life would be in grave danger? A two thousand year-old scroll has been discovered in southern Israel with a mysterious prophecy for Mankind. Those who read its translation gain Wisdom, but they pay the ultimate price . . . their lives. A disillusioned Philosophy Professor at Columbia University is estranged from his wife, drinking heavily and jaded from a lifetime of seeking answers to unanswerable questions. When he receives the scroll's translation from his boyhood friend, an archaelolgist, it arrives with a desperate plea for help. Before he has time to read it, members of a secret Jesuit Order known as The Knights Protectors arrive in Manhattan and kidnap him to protect him from the evil men out to harm him. Soon David learns that everyone who reads the scroll ends up dead. Who wrote the scroll? And what is its Prophecy?"

A real twist of an ending!

"A serial killer is targeting the on-air personalities of the American Broadcast Network. Apparently he's mad as hell and is not going to take it anymore. This is a plot-driven suspense story set in the near future, with darkly satiric elements and a twist ending. The killer is driven to take drastic action by what he sees as the degraded state of television. His only contact with the world is through letters, comprised of words clipped from magazines in classic ransom note style, that he sends to a print journalist. They contain all the righteous indignation that one might expect from a vigilante with a cause. The journalist is a throwback of former renown. One glimpse at the offices of the Los Angeles Post is enough to show how far the printed press have fallen, but he has stayed true to his lofty ideals. Reluctantly, but perhaps inevitably, he is drawn onto the airwaves of ABN to discuss the content of the letters. He is wooed by the head of the network's news division, with promises of complete editorial freedom and a larger audience than he has ever had. During one of his appearances he meets a star reporter at ABN and widow of the killer's first victim. After building a career covering particularly sensational crimes, she is finding out what it is like to have her own personal tragedy become fodder for endless commentary on her own network. She is drawn to this new comentator, seeing in him everything that is missing in her own career. Eventually she leaves her lucrative network job and holes up in his humble apartment. But he is not what he seems to be. She stumbles on a cache of magazines in his apartment that have the tell-tale missing words cut from them. He is part of a conspiracy by the network to kill their own on-air personalities in an effort to boost ratings."

Hey, Comanches! Quit playin' in those Great Plains, dinner's ready!!!

"He's the last Comanche to come in from the Great Plains, but not without a fight."

Oooh, I hope this one is autobiographical!

"'A troubled young man travels back in time to rescue his younger self from his abusive mother.'

Genre: Supernatural Drama

Siggy lives alone in a shack in the deep woods with his three-legged cat, Pescatore. Siggy's nightmares about his abusive childhood are getting worse as he struggles to find his place in a cruel world."

Uggggaabllleeeaarrrggghhh... that was the noise of me barfing in disgust.

"Can even the Devil change? What would happen if Lucifer decided to try to give up on his whole Prince of Darkness routine, and want to go back to heaven? In my award winning script we find out. Lucifer and God strike a bargain. Lucifer can return to heaven, if for one day there is no sin on the Earth. Lucifer must now "tempt" people into doing good. Which isn't as easy as he thinks. There are all those lawyers and politicians to deal with. So to find out W.W.L.D.? What Would Lucifer Do?"

Indiana Jones and the Financial Center of Doom!

"An action suspense film set in India's financial center.

This is an electrifying suspense thriller that features martial arts action! A burnt out enforcer now working for a multinational corporation is preparing to travel to India for an E-commerce convention. Upon arrival he meets an online friend. They have dinner and the following day, she mysteriously disappears. His search leads him into a web of international intrigue as he is challenged by street thugs and crooked cops. After questioning company executives about his friend's whereabouts, he is assaulted later that night in his hotel room. When he awakens, he finds himself imprisoned on an 18th century fortress known as the Bombay Deathtrap. He must survive skilled martial arts fighters, a snake-filled pit, female assassins, quicksand, flaming traps, poison gas, and crocodiles! This sets the stage for an unforgettable sequence of events guaranteed to have audiences on the edge of their seats as he defeats all the elements of evil and rescues the girl! He attends the convention, purchases gifts for friends, and heads to the airport. He is unaware that one of his packages has been switched, and will be the driving element for killers tracking his every move in:

The Sequel - Set in Los Angeles.

This has also been fashioned as a video game concept."

This is so bad I don't even think PETA would approve

"Animals have been hunted and killed for thousands of years. They were part of God's food chain and kept everyone alive. For the last 100 years, furs have become charmingly fashionable and now, animals are skinned for just their furs. Their bloody remains, their bodies, left to rot. Now it's their turn, to repay mankind... .....and they're pissed!!
Number of Pages 191

Characters
Jack - Father rabbit, Easter - Mother rabbit, Spot - Baby, Kilher - Father wolf, Red - Mother wolf, Thrilher - Baby, Berry - Male beaver, Verry - Female beaver mate, Gay - Gay squirrel, Fay - Gay squirrel's lover, Bob - Trapper, Lucy - Trappers wife, Bobby - Son, Woody - Trapper Bob's neighbor, Leroy - Bob's black mailman, CircleJerk - Indian Chief, Shaman Bucky - Indian Chiefs grandson, Dr. Wong - Batelle scientist, Dr. Dentally - Batelle scientist, Major Tac - Batelle Director, Ricardo - French Drug Dealer, Dominique - Recardo's gay brother, KoolAid - BO$$ Nightclub Owner, Tex Walker - Country bar owner, Bambi, Tiffany & Jasmine - Strippers. ASSORTED OTHERS

Chapters
1 The Forest, 2 Trapper Bob, 3 Circle Jerk, 4 Battelle, 5 Ricardo, 6 Slicing, 7 Dicing, 8 Bucky Returns, 9 Bucky Gets Lucky, 10 Back To Battle, 11 Ricardo's Chateau, 12 First Blood, 13 Dancing CircleJerk, 14 Batelle Heats Up, 15 Raped, 16 Ricardo Freaks, 17 Batelle Update, 18 Heads ,19 Heads off, 20 BO$$, 21 Batelle Blows Up, 22 Scroggs & Scarfurr Fur Appendix."

Mixing genres badly... *snicker*

"The temptation to eat the forbidden fruit was his first act. Cast from the garden mankind would never be the same. Thousands of years later at the height of his reign the floods sent him back to his home, his prison. Lost and then regained the seed is watered by the blood of his ancestors. And once again the passage from hell is open for Lucifer's return. Lucifer's return does not go unchallenged; God has chosen four to represent humanity's struggle for survival. The Archangel Michael gathers the four and prepares them for what they must accomplish, sending Lucifer back to his prison, hell. With God given powers the four set out to save humanity from Lucifer's ever growing influence. My script mixes two genres that have been quite popular in recent years; the superhero film and the supernatural thriller. Each of the four superheroes have unique powers. If they can get past their different backgrounds and flaws and work together they can defeat Lucifer. A cop, doctor, reporter and student are our only hope."

I think I downloaded this porn last week.

"A sorority housemother is forced to take action when the sex life of one of her girls spirals out of control."