What is it with lawyer scripts and ghost scripts???

"Logline: Love never dies. It attacks.

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, To pay the bills, a woman uses her psychic skills to hunt ghosts for a murderous law firm. She barters and bargains with the dearly departed to get them to stop trying to kill the attorneys who wronged them, and instead wander into the pretty light to have a nice chat with their grandparents. Through this process, she has been punched, slapped, and pushed out a two-story window, but she's never been afraid. Now, however, she has finally come across a ghost who decides to hunt her just as she begins a relationship with a telekinetic. As the ghost attacks become more violent, she has to decide if she cares enough about her love interest to learn why his mouth bleeds and his temper roars after a visit to a haunted house, which seems to entwine him with the ghost. This is a story about the agonizing need to protect love. Dead or alive."

She's a MAN, man!

"A sexually ambiguous woman confronts her past before deciding upon gender reassignment surgery.

Genre: Comedy/Satire

My main character is a woman on the verge of becoming a man. From her upbringing with a naive father, unstable mother, and pro-life obsessed grandmother, to encounters with militant feminists, nice guys and misogynists, she struggles to discover her true identity and the nature of being human."

I have no idea what is going on in this guy's mind... but I know whatever it is, it's CRAZY

"I propose you a film about the greatest possible position: the President of the World (who is expected to come).

Free Masons and Jews want to unify the whole planet in a single State, a Planetary Republic which will be leaded by a King/President. An Arabian terrorist group threatens Jerusalem with a nuclear bomb because Jews want to make Jerusalem the Capital of a world ruled by Jews, the place where they will set the throne of a Jewish King/President of the Planet.

The Governor of Idaho comes with alternatives to both these sides: he offers a civilized alternative at the Arabian terrorism and a democratic alternative at the Jewish-Masonic plan. He proposes another Capital of the World instead of Jerusalem and himself as the President of the Planet instead of a Jew. He is not Mason but he still wants to be the President of the Planetary Republic. He wants to create a system which will make competition to the Masonic one for the unification of the planet. With his candidateship he wants to open this subject of Planetary Republic, to make it public, to take it out from the secret "conspiracies" and to rush the process of globalization. In the end the planet is not ready yet to be unified but Bruce's contribution is recognized and he is named the President of United Nations Organization.

Ideal would be that Masons and Jews to accept this challenge and to participate at creating a competition-cooperation between Masonic and non-Masonic elites. If they accept to participate we can make a series like "The West Wing". If they don't want to participate we can make a feature film."

OMG human cloning scripts are sooooooo overdone

"Two lab technicians have been engaging in genetic cloning, and have figured out how to clone humans. But, it is not just anyone that they intend to clone. It is a list of Hollywood's Who's Who. Quickly, they set aside any morals or ethics they may of have had and will stop at nothing to get what they want. When a well-known actress becomes one of their victims, she finds it hard to distinguish between reality and an unimaginable nightmare confronting her. First, she witness her co-star's kidnapping, and cloning. Then, stumbles upon an underground room filled with cloned Hollywood's Celebrities, she runs for her life. When two men with guns show up at her house, she fights back. Not knowing who is who, or who she can trust she struggles to reclaim her identity, and uncover who and what is behind this sinister plot that entangles her and the movie industry. A thriller spiked with intrigue, suspense, horror, and humor.

This is a provocative, high-octane look at what happens when unguarded technology falls into the wrong hands. It is set against the backdrop of the vast changes in technology and culture. To emphasize the devastating effect that unbridled commercialism pose on the value of American ideals as well as human kind as we know it. The whole scenario may take place in fantasy, but it is not far fetched. Up to this point, cloning humans belonged solely to the field of science fiction. The prospect of cloning humans emerges everyday. History has shown us that, we as humans have a compelling urge to push the boundaries even break them. There seems to be no doubt that our future is a future filled with clones. The question then becomes is it really you or me."

There was this guy I went to school with who always wore headphones so he wouldn't have to talk to anyone. They weren't plugged in.

"The idea of hearing the noises terrified him. The violent, shrill sounds his father said, a corpse emits during cremation. That's why our hero always wore his earphones. However, when someone he loves is brutally murdered, he takes a chance and cremates the body without his earphones hoping that what he hears will reveal who the killer is and not drive him insane. What he discovers shatters everything he believed in and trusted."

So I'm confused--is "she" a hermaphrodite?

"What do you call Lara Croft, Wonder Woman, Batman and Jackie Chan all rolled into one?

Title: ANNA FUNG

Tagline: She's no ordinary bitch!

Genre: Action/Comedy

Logline: By day, she dispenses advice as overweight Arlene Adams, a klutzy 900 number psychic. By night, she spouts wisecracks and kicks ass as leather-clad, sleek and sexy, martial arts crime fighter, ANNA FUNG who must locate and rescue a group of kidnapped children before the local Crime Boss kills them."

MEDIUM meets SEVEN meets ROSEMARY'S BABY

"Log Line: When murders surpass human cruelty.

Theme: Human will can defeat any kind of forces if its intentions are pure and it is strong enough at its heart to engage even the biggest evil.

Synopsis:
A young inspector is charged to investigate a peculiar murder. A serial killer kidnaps women and cuts out their emryos from their wombs in the course of a ritual. They don't find any traces or a logical motive, thus the inspecor, following her boss' advice, asks for outside help from a Seer, who already has helped to solve several inexplicable cases. With the help of the Seer they get to a warlock who is repsonsible for these ritual murders. The warlock has to collect seven embryos to become the one and only, moreover, the most powerful evil in the world. During the chase for the last fetus, the inspector turns out to be pregnant, and the only person who can help is the Seer..."

You've got to be kidding me.

NANCY DREW IN VIETNAM: Little Allison Hoover needs heart surgery which she can’t afford because her late uncle’s will is missing and her inheritance is about go to the evil Mr. Topham and family. Sounds like a case for the brave teen detective with the golden hair, Nancy Drew! She sacrifices everything in her struggle to solve the mystery and find the will. Her innocence is lost, and her beloved father and house keeper are murdered. But when the will is discovered, the witness to its signing is gone: drafted to fight in Vietnam and currently MIA. So Nancy must track him through the enemy infested jungles, from Mekong to Khe Sanh, eventually disguising herself as a Marine grunt and leading her platoon in the assault on Hamburger Hill. Finally, only by sacrificing her life is she able to find the witness and save Allison’s life.

Crap, he wrote.

"Two little old lady mystery buffs decide to murder people in the public library."

Final Destination III: Scriptwriters Gone Postal!

"Four losers get their last kicks out of life and struggle to die in a memorable fashion.

Genre: Drama/Comedy

When a group of down-on-their-luck friends learn of the Darwin Awards, they decide to beat death to the punch and trade their pathetic lives for eternal internet glory. With an unpredictable ending, insightful dialogue and plenty of intelligent humor, this is a morbid dramedy for the dementia in all of us."

Wait, hunh? Please excuse me while I print this out and stamp on it.

"Log Line: A family lawyer at the end of his rope finds redemption in a vendetta against corrupt social workers who have taken away a struggling scientist's children.

Genre: Drama.

The Pitch: Things haven't been going well for an attorney. Tricked out of his share of a law firm, dumped by his spoiled, ex-model girlfriend, and divested of his Mercedes by vandals, he's lost his Mom to a stroke and his life savings to a scam artist. The only bright spot in his life is a spirited beauty who runs the daycare center next to his home. Whereas before he was a downright selfish asshole who earned respect for his former riches, he now finds himself on a quest for love. He fantasizes about his neighbor, but she won't give him the time of day. She's obsessed with one of her clients, whose two kids have been taken away by an overzealous Illinois Department of Children and Family Services Officer. This widowed, out-of-work programmer, is wrongly accused of abusing his two kids, a 10-year-old girl and a boy toddler. To show the court he's responsible, he may have to abandon his dream of building an antigravity device. The lawyer becomes the programmer's benefactor in an effort to get in the day care owner's good graces, but his luck only gets worse and worse. The lawyer asks his neighbor in vain to move in with him. Fed up with Chicago, he decides to move back to his quiet life in Arkansas. In a turnpike collision, that he caused on his way to the airport, she risks her life to save his, which he never would have dreamed of. For the very first time in his life, he feels loved. In a last-ditch attempt to redeem himself, he helps the programmer to get his kids back."

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner Mrs. Claus? Featuring the first Holiday-Non-Holiday kiss in Cinema!

"Santa's son breaks racial, religious and socio-economic stereotypes in this Holiday charmer. Christopher Claus must choose between his family's legacy by accepting a pre-arranged marriage to the Halloween Witch's daughter, or be disinherited by marrying the Tooth Fairy's daughter, who is not a Holiday Person, for true love. Help comes his way via his two best pals, Hannukah Hal, a Jewish mensch, and Kenny Kwanzaa, an African-American prince."

Pick your favorite phrase in this terrible query.

"I was wondering if you'd be interested in taking a look at my screenplay, 'The Emerald Necklace'. Indiana Jones meets “Cast Away” in this adventure story where a young man's life changes when he travels to South America and ends up the lone survivor in his group.


Cameron Hensley, a former high school band member and recent graduate, hooks up with a Spanish club going to South America. He gets more than he bargained for when the group's van strays into dangerous territory and is destroyed.


All are presumed dead, but Cameron survives. Just when he finds the road home, he’s taken prisoner. There he befriends another captive -- an old village man. Cameron uses a saxophone and his wits to escape, then must choose whether to get to safety or help the old villager."

Pope Joe Schmoe I

"The Pope has died. It is now up to the Cardinals to chose his successor. What if they elect the most unlikely candidate? In my new comedy, we find out what would happen if that did happen. It is a little known rule in the Catholic church that any confirmed male can in fact be elected Pope. He doesn't have to be a cardinal or even a priest. This has actually happened 2 times in the Church's history. So what if the Cardinals through some miracle, elect a bowling alley owner from Ohio as the next Surpeme Pontiff of the church? Is this unlikely candidate just what the church needs?"

Greenlight this immediately!

"A mobster can't get his wife pregnant, so he orders a nerd to do it for him -- or else."

Genie, make me as rich as Bill Gates... but way better looking

"A down and out techie stumbles on some luck when he finds a voluptuous genie, but soon discovers that she is hunted by her cruel former master.

Genre: Comedy/Fantasy

While on a road trip, a computer geek finds an old Arabian bottle... complete with a beautiful, voluptuous genie! He is now master of unimaginable power: The very means with which he can turn his miserable life around. But for a straight arrow who lives by a strong work ethic, can -- or should -- change be so easy? And, with the genie's former master -- a maniacal Middle Eastern dictator -- hot on her trail, is it worth the trouble? This is an urban romantic comedy that combines elements of 'Splash' and 'I Dream of Jeannie.'"

You'll never top Dolomite

"A big pimp cares for his girls, he makes money, he makes enemies and he tries to deal with all of it.

Genre: Crime

Seth is the youngest in a group of grand pimps who share and control the market for high class prostitutes in town. While he is rolling with style he has to deal with all the problems a pimp has to face: caring for the girls, dealing with customers and the competition, with disloyal hoes and sugadaddies. Big pimpin' isn't always easy."

Karate Kid IV: Ho's In Action

"A reclusive martial artist must confront the specter of his dark past when a mobster resumes a cycle of revenge that now threatens his young student - a prostitute he has reluctantly befriended.

Genre: Action - Comedy

A martial arts master has long given up his life of martial arts, preferring to waste away his days on beer, strippers and dubious nightlife on the Seattle streets. But when he inadvertently steps onto Vietnamese gangster turf, they pursue their own revenge and his lover dies in his arms, a poignant reminder that he can never escape his past. A young prostitute befriends him and entices him to teach her the hidden ways of the martial arts, and an unlikely bond forms from their tempestuous relationship. When he is tempted by his old ways, she keeps him in line and in return, his lessons instill her with the confidence to leave the streets. But deep in the Asian mafia underground, a longstanding feud between rival gangs re-ignites and he is forced to confront his fears and arch nemesis in battle. Only this time, standing by his side, will be the one person they'd never suspect."

Way to rip off Da Vinci Code, dude.

"This is a spiritual action adventure story. An ancient journal is found buried deep in a New Mexico cave. The discovery leads a reluctant anthropologist on a quest to find a truth long buried and a secret long held. He will get help along the way from a Russian smuggler looking for salvation and a beautiful, rich heiress looking for validation. The Vatican will try to stop them, the Chinese Army will try to kill them, but their greatest obstacle will be overcoming their own failings. Only by working together can these three loners hope to overcome their enemies and themselves and uncover Christendom's supreme secret."

And this is different from normal alumni weekend how?

"A struggling novelist returns to his alma mater for Alumni Weekend where he is forced to act out an elaborate lie in order to win back his college sweetheart."

I hope she kidnaps Bobby Trendy and never lets him return to normal society

"What would happen if a resident of a trailer park kidnapped a designer from a television home decorating show, and forced him to re-do her double-wide? In my new comedy script, we see what happens when a woman yearns for more style to her life than her husband's Beers of the World beer can display, and the Dale Earnhart shrine, that fills her living room."

Oooo how fucking scary!

"Five teens find themselves trapped in an eerie moonlit cemetery as, one by one, they discover freshly-dug graves with their names on the headstones."

Someone please watch this movie and report back to us.

"A lot of people have asked me when they can see 'Burning Passion' on the big screen. Sorry for the short notice, but how about next week?

'Burning Passion' is my film about the guy who ejaculates fire."

....

"Next week it's playing at the Arizona Film Fest. Twice. Tuesday, April 19 at 7:00pm and Saturday, April 23 at 5:00pm. What's especially cool is that they're going to screen a real, live print-- not a digital projection."

Outdoor exhibitionist scenes galore?

"Ancient Indian tribes believed that deer were messengers, teaching the hunter a lesson during the chase. Set in a small bizarre town in Connecticut, aptly named Perfect, we are introduced to a 29-year old successful advertising executive who has dreamed of nothing but her wedding day since the age of seven - due to her meddling mother planting in her head that if she didn't get hitched by that age she would die old and lonely. Desperate to marry anyone, she agrees to marry a nebbish mama's boy accountant. Just as they are about to exchange "I do's," a white tail deer comes crashing through the wedding, knocks the groom to the ground causing a $50,000 wedding band to land on its antlers. With 48 hours until hunting season, she turns to a great cop who just happens to get extremely nervous around beautiful women, causing him to turn into a bumbler. After several failed attempts to find the deer by others, the police officer and the bride set out onto thousands of acres of woods to find the deer and bring back the uninsured ring. Along the way, she learns that marriage is much more than a ceremony and that real love is worth waiting for."

Nothing beats multiple Sasquatches!

"A Sasquatch, raised by humans, becomes a powerful weapon in the fight against international terrorism.

Genre: Action / Drama

During a field-training exercise in Alaska, the U.S. military capture a young Sasquatch. Years later, thanks to his paranormal capabilities, this Sasquatch becomes a most unusual and dangerous weapon in the fight against international terrorism. When terrorists take the daughter of the U.S. President hostage, another Sasquatch, obtained by the Russians in a similar situation, joins the hostage rescue operation. Joining forces, the two Sasquatches forge a friendship and make a most unusual discovery."

Isn't this ENTOURAGE?

"The story is about three friends in their twenties who try to pick up women, but don't have a lot of luck…. Until they realize: "Hey, why do jerks always get the women!?" Tired of rejection, they become jerks themselves to test the theory."

Everything about this is so...awkward.

"CYBER PEOPLE DRAMA/ACTION LOGLINE:

Pushed in the shade by a luminary of technology and forced to resign, a university lecturer must leave. But, when he realizes that something threatens the guests during a party that celebrates the new technological direction, he does not hesitate to face a desperate situation."

I actually printed this one out and set it on fire it was so annoying.

"Here's what they will be talking about...
...on the telephone. . . around the lunch table. . . on the streets. . .

'This topped the box office this weekend, bringing in a whopping $$$ million on its opening night!'
'Absolutely brilliant!' - Ebert & Roeper/'Simply mind-pleasing!' - The NY Times/'A Masterpiece!' -Vanity Fair/'One of the best films in years!' -USA Today/'One of a kind. There's nohting else like it!' - The LA Times.

Everyone will be talking about my movie! Destined to be an Academy-award winning block-buster, my movie guarantees to have it audiences crying, laughing and praying all at the same time. One hundrad and one drma, lust and suspense filled paged of literary bliss. This promises to send it patrons into an emotional frenzy; literally jumping out of their seats with passion and fury by the time the ending credits begin to roll. Set in middle-class America, this depicts domestic violence and revenge in a whole new light...

The husband is the perfect picture of an American dream come true: a young, prominent African American attorney who has risen from humble beginnings. He has it all; a beautify wife, two wonderful children, partner at one of the mots prestigious law firms in the world, drrives a "Black Man Working'; money in his pocket, the respect of his parents, and a chick on the side. Life couldn't be better. But you see, Michael has a little problem. He can't control his anger and he likes to use his wife as an emotional urinal, dumping all of his emotional woes deep into her soul. He's a passionate man. He struggles to maintain his sanity and to keep his family three tiers above where society says they should be.

The wife had a rough upbringing. She watched as her mother got the holy mess beat out of her on a daily basis. At the age of 16, she witnessed the inevitable. She observers her mother become fed up and spills the brains of her drunken, abusive father on the kitchen floor and then turn the gun on herself, dying a couple days later. Now-a-days, she has been a bit out of it. Could it be dejavu? No, he doesn't beat her, 'so to say' on a regular basis and she doesn't have to scrub the floors or work a dead-end job everyday. But she refuses to end up like her mother.

Caught up in a whirlwind of anger, fury and wrath from all of the lies, cheating and the mind games. Denise executes a perfect revenge!

...a silent cry: From the genocide in South Africa to the streets of a very liberated America, the voice of a hurting woman continues to be unheard.

In Rwanda, girls as young as nine and ten are being abducted, used and abused as sex slaves and then ostracized by their own families, thrown away as if they were garbage. And no one cares.

In New York City a young mother finishes turning what she thinks to be her last trick of the evening so that she may return home to feed her three hungry children.

In some suburban utopia, the house wife struggles to hide the bruises. He's all that she's got. She thinks that she owes him. She justifies staying with him by the need of a father for her children, for all that he has done for her. I mean she doesn't have to work...she gets to stay home with her children and raise them without the influence of society (at least, that's what she thinks). What will everyone thing? He's such a good man. She drives a BMW for God's sake. The children attend parochial schools, they attend church every Sunday and bible class every Wedneday. She just needs to stop provoking him, making him angry.

In the mind of that 23 year old secretary, he is going to leave his wife. He bought her a condo and a brand new car. He sees her every week and he keeps her looking good. She can shop any upscale department store that she likes. The wife is the stupid one (so she thinks).

For that 16 year old girl for whom society has told her that she's fat. She lashes out. She is sexy with her double D-cups and a huge rump shaker. She is as pretty as the next girl. So, she takes her clothes off for the first time and takes that never ending spin down the POLE. There's nothing wrong with it, as long as they don't touch. But, then she begins to feel dirty, nasty...like a piece of raw stead during dinner time at the zoo. But she needs the money. She loves wearing her Baby Phat and Roca Wear gear. She's on top of the world. So, when the owner of the club offers her a little something to help ease her mind, she graciously accepts it - selling her soul in the meanwhile.

And what about that thriteen year old foster girl who cries herself to sleep every night, trying to wipe away the visions of her foster father as he has his way with her. Besides, it's her own fault. She did something to make God mad at her. That's why he is allowing all these bad things to happen to her. maybe she should just kill herself so that the pain will stop. So that her heart will stop hurting.

...from every angle...behind a closed door, eyes of darkness lurk out,

signs of loneliness seep through and pleas for help remain unheard...

Make this your next project."

He better write in a keg party with strippers. That's what I would do anyway.

"Logline: The head writer of a popular sitcom wakes to find he's trapped in his own show where he wields the power of a god, and the luck of a wacky neighbor.

Genre: Comedy

A TV writer awakens to find he's become the patriarch of his own family sitcom. As the writer he is able to change things within the world, but can never tell what consequences each change will bring. The only people who can see him for what he really is are the show's wacky neighbor and an office coworker, and they must deal with the realization that they are merely sitcom characters."

Jesus was a carpenter's son too, but he didn't mind being poor

"A carpenter's son who hates being poor finds a way to corner the US diamond market by smuggling Brazilian stones."

He capitalizes Black but not white. Why?

"Genre: Comedy

A white man's reality changes after witnessing a black male being arrested for DWB. At that very moment, he comes to the realization that the problen with DWB is not that police are harassing Blacks, but ignoring whites. He felt that he was more worthy of being arrested. Angry and awake for the first time, he starts on a journey that will forever change the way America views race. He sets out on a crusade to convince the police to care about whites; along the way he manages to unite the races and get the girl of his dreams."

But I had no other options! :(

"Genre: Erotic Thriller

A wealthy, San Francisco beauty is forced to enter a dark sexual underground after her brother's murder."

And how would this be filmed, exactly?

"When a prisoner is subjected to 'genetic memory' experiments, he has unexpected revelations about not only his own past but that of his parents, including his father who he never knew. After escaping fighting for his life, he grapples with horrific and painful memories, ultimately traveling into the collective consciousness of man – back to the genesis of creation – where he must confront his inner demons to find lasting peace."

Let's mix crap genres! And add some PBS.

"When a Wall Street trader's passion for collecting vintage baseball Bobbleheads costs him his job, he finds himself falling for his reluctant new business partner - an uptight grad student, who after her father's death, finds herself saddled with a struggling antiques shop and a debt to the Russian mob. The discovery of a what appears to be a valuable Faberge cigarette case promises to solve their problems... until the Antiques Roadshow rolls into town."

Sounds like Sealab 2021... in SPACE!

"People with terminal illnesses volunteer for program Starship Earth. Altering their molecules cures them but gives them extraordinary abilities. The group orbits Earth as a doomsday Earth defense. Alien DNA is discovered on an asteroid and bred. When the bred aliens take over Earth Starship Earth is recalled to save the planet. They defeat the aliens. Alien meets the Fantastic Four."

So what you are saying is that men are pigs and we are better off without 'em?

"An incurable romantic and a TV soap writer, collide with each other years after their disastrous break-up.

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Fate brings these two people together again, years after they split up. She has released a pop-psychology book while moonlighting on her romantic comedy script, and he is a TV soap writer. He becomes convinced they should give their romance another go, but the reluctant author agrees to a trial friendship. Not long after, she begins to realize that their private conversations are turning up in his soap, "Young Hearts". Just when she starts to think that her bodyguard doll, Harold, mightn't be the only reliable man in the world and there's hope for a reunion with her ex, she's bitterly disappointed by him again."

If only they succeeded in their original plan.

"When two friend decide to kill Paris Hilton their plan goes wrong and they end up kidnapping her."

Snooze.

"Picture America's favorite video games. Everyday, millions of video game characters die for our entertainment. Well, now they're pissed. Imagine what they would do, if they had access to our world. Guess what, they do. Now, one of us must enter their world, to confront them before they confront us. This is an original fantasy adventure that follows a typical college student's pursuit of his dream girl. Learning that she's actually a video game character, he is persuaded to journey into her fictitious world. Little does he know, she has chosen him to lead a group of eleven against an army of ten thousand."

Rixende, warrior princess!

"Amidst a brutal war of religion, one woman struggles to defend her faith from the passions of two men, one who would destroy her and one who would love her.

Genre: Action/Drama

France, in the year 1243 and the Church has brought their crusade to Montsegur, the last mountain stronghold of the outlawed Cathar faith. This long siege will be the final chapter in a savage conflict of belief. The heretic, Rixende, leads her community through this struggle and faces the murderous zeal of the Inquisition. But in this battle of faith and fire, more than lives hang in the balance."

I'm starting to doubt MY sanity.

"A woman is haunted by a recurring dream where she watches one man kill another. Her fears become real when she meets a young politician with the same face, only twenty years younger. She thinks she's stumbled onto something until she finds out his father died before he was born. Finally, she starts to doubt her sanity or believes that she may be looking in the future. The only problem is, she has no idea when that future is."

Huh?

"After being pressured into covering up a killing by a relentless street-thug, a rich housewife discovers that she was the original target when her fortune-seeking husband's plot to murder her unravels."

Someone wasted brain power on this.

"Colonel Marc Hendrix is the Commander of the E.S.S Clarke, part of a fleet of ships that patrol a network of planets called The Confederation of Sentient Worlds. These worlds, despite being mixed races, share everything from food to technology. Unbeknownst to the Confederation, evil is at work in the network. Evil that now has the capability of reincarnating every single person to multiple universes and realities, depending on how they conducted themselves in prior realities. Now a reality full of very bad people has reached the technology top and threatens the lives of everyone in every multiple reality. Now it is up to Colonel Hendrix and his fleet to try and stop this evil rule and save the confederation, only one hurdle has reared its head: his former love, Melody Garner."

Sinner of the Year

"When a churchgoing woman is nominated for the "Catholic Woman of the Year Award" she has to hide her pregnant lesbian daughter in order to win."

America: Responsible for bringing obesity to the rest of the world

"Two South Philadelphia cheesesteak shop owners battle an evil warlord/hummus mogul after they open a cheesesteak shop in war-torn Chandahar."

Well, duh.

"With the streets of Detroit overrun by rival vampire gangs, the police force has only one place to turn - the Vampire Task Force."

Does the word 'banal' come to mind?

"At the dawn of mankind there was a genetic code, the key to creation. Now a rogue scientist has discovered this code and plans to use it to create a new mankind. The only problem is, the old one will have to make way for it. Already, a mythological beast has arisen and more will follow. Banetti has been contacted by Mills Jr., who believes that his father, scientist Mills Sr., has discovered this ancient code. As a new mankind is ushered in, so the old one will become obsolete. It falls to Banetti to follow the clues across a landscape as old as time itself."

Madame President, your husband sucks.

"Logline: When a meek and alienated electronics genius escapes the clutches of his demanding wife, the President of the United States, a group of offbeat friends help him evade the Secret Service, overcome his shyness, and fulfill his dream of playing in a rock band.

In this romp of a comedy reason and compromise fly out the window when Homeland Security discovers the neurotic husband of the President is the inventor of the Pentagon's newest and most destructive weapon. Now this erratic inventor is running loose, somewhere in the country, with the details of the nation's most highly guarded secret in his head. The search for the First Husband begins and a cast of quirky characters including a seductive villainess, a bumbling secret agent and a slimy politician add up to a laugh-out-loud adventure filled with political high jinks and skewed approaches to one man's search for happiness."