September 11th: Part Deux!

"Dear Sir or Madam:

Sooner or later, 9/11 will happen again...

Are we ready?

This is a suspenseful action thriller. Off the coast of Saudi Arabia, bypassing all international security measures, terrorists hijack an Oil Super-Tanker headed for the United States. Without knowing how many tankers have been hijacked or which ones they are, it is now left in the hands of an American College student, the new Director of Homeland Security and an elite group of US soldiers to stop the hijackings. But if they cannot find the ship, then, for the citizens of New York City, it may be another September 11th, only worse.

He should have made the bad guys Nazis

"Logline: A killer stalks a teacher and his students at a mysterious archeological site.

Short Synopsis: A popular college lecturer with his colleague and former lover and some adventurous students -- who've tagged along uninvited -- search for a missing professor in and around an archeological dig. A rock spirit, according to local legend, haunts some nearby boulders, and a mysterious entity kills two of their number. Has the missing man released a spirit, or is it a case of lethal academic theft by one of their own? This is a supernatural thriller, with student characters at the core of the story. With a small cast and two locations, this is ready to rock."

Huge bargain!! But, no Buy-It-Now :(

"A confused, love-bitten man entangled with a ruthless underworld kingpin. This quiet storm brewing between an employer and his employee blends wonderfully into a medley of perils."

Click HERE for Link

No, I won't be bidding on this, thanks.

I guess her life sucks, eh?

"A nineteen-year-old girl is constantly struggling to balance her escapist heroin addiction with quasi-maternal drives to protect her tormented brother and a visceral hatred for her rapist father that fuels a constant and gnawing desire for vengeance. But her father's dark past has resurfaced and, as her plans for retribution collapse within a cloud of murder and unearthed terrors, she is forced onto a shocking new path; a path that leaves her racing against time not only to save her brother, but to escape a life of debauched servitude."

I'll take 3

"Logline: In an attempt to save its desperate fortunes, a world-famous, preppy mail-order company slips a thinly-veiled vibrator into the pages of its conservative catalog and causes a national fervor.

Its Riley Beene's 28th birthday and he's now in charge of Beene Brothers, his family's famous catalog company in Maine. If he can ride out three weeks at the top, he'll inherit a twenty million dollar trust fund. But his father, the departing CEO, has drained the company and it doesn't look like they'll last that long... unless someone comes up with something fast. Enter an old flame of Riley's with movie star looks and a feminist agenda. Her brilliantly-vague new product comes with four double-A batteries and a healthy dose of controversy. Is this what we think it is? And will a nation of soccer moms ever be the same?"

This might be the most annoying query EVER.

Dear Sirs:

Would you personally care to fathom the depths of evil motivating the
creators of the new hit show: "L.A. Reality?"

An understanding can be garnered in my script!

Wouldn't you like to know "the brains" behind Hugh Hefner and certain
not so legal Playboy "enterprises?"

Become titillated in my script!

Do you aspire to engage the covert Nazi murderers responsible for Kurt
Cobain's slaying?

Intimate details are in my script!

Would you like to climb an active volcano?

Of course not, but you can read about what it's like...

...in my script!

How'd you like to meet a hero who can easily handle pedophiles,
criminal pharmaceutical executives and corrupt priests? Not to mention Zsa-Zsa
and Fabio??

It's in the script!!!

Check it out and venture to help make a film that audiences are already
dying to see (literally)!

My pappy's done gone blind from the moonshine

"Logline: Moonshining is a dangerous business for a teenage girl, but for our girl it's all or nuthin'.

Her father is the only person she loves, but when he's shot to death she's left strapped for cash with a spiteful grandmother and lovesick teenager for company. She soon takes to drinkin' and shinin' with the pair, making good quality whisky that aggravates the local competition. After all, she knows that he's responsible for her dad's death and finds that stealing his trade is sweet revenge after all. But whisky and guns don't mix and for a young girl who's only dream was to leave the backwoods behind, she'd better be careful how that dream comes to pass."

This already happened on Angel. I *heart* David Boreanaz!

"A normal paralegal in a typical law office on an average day, Henry didn't think anything was strange when the lawyers threw boxes at her and screamed for raw meat. Even the bloodstained shirts and screaming secretaries didn't seem terribly unusual. And yes, it was a little odd that Edward John Johnson tried to eat her face, but he'd always been touchy-feely. Henry wasn't alarmed until she saw something so disturbing, so implausible, that she nearly became paralyzed with shock. The bloody, twitching lawyers, who had already eaten most of the support staff, were putting papers into files. Yes, she and the other survivors realized, this was the apocalypse, and they were going to be eaten by the swarm of lawyer zombies driven by their bloodlust to eat live flesh and reorganize files. Now, maybe, just maybe, if they can make it to the service elevator, an elevator the lawyers don't know exists because it is a functional part of the office, they can escape. But if they are going to die, by god, they're going to take some lawyers with them. This is a horror-comedy that is more than happy to hack and eat it's way through zombie lawyers and obnoxious office staff to reach the elusive service elevator."

At least this one pokes fun at itself.

Porntastic!

"LOGLINE: A mafia Don wipes out his competitors in the whore house biz, and uses sexual favors for persuading Washington politicians to legalize prostitution.

SYNOPSIS: Don Siliconi wants to be the Wal-Mart of prostitution. First he must bump off his competitors from the other Mob families and take over their houses. Then, to expand further, he plots and schemes to push through legislation legalizing prostitution nationwide. His secret weapon is a foreign agent with specialized experience and expertise - a world-famous hooker who wants to move into management.

In Nevada, the don's hooker learns the ins and outs of managing profitable whorehouses the American way. Then it's on to the nation's capital, where she uses her special skills to persuade the President to sign the legalization bill, guaranteeing the men of America many happy endings.
If you loved Godfather II, you'll die laughing from the Smutfather."

Clarification on the sharks!

"I'd like to ask you for your kind permission in allowing me to submit a hard copy of my script KING SHARK. It's family-children oriented and it has a sequel, PLANET SHARK. I'd really be very happy if you allowed me to submit it to you, for your evaluation. KING SHARK Henry, a three years old baby, who's a cartoon addict, gets swallowed by his own TV set inside his parents home, ending nearby KING SHARK's island. There, together with other kids from all over the world, who are also cartoon addicts, they are now eleven years old and have to run and try to escape from the evil sharkies, creatures that look like penguins, have a shark face, chicken feet, red eyes and can talk! Meanwhile, KING SHARK, a huge white and black shark, who rules the place, wants to have his own cartoon show aired by a major TV network. Needless to say that KING SHARK negotiates and tries to blackmail the TV network into airing his cartoon, threatening to swallow all the kids he captures! The network finally agrees and KING SHARK is a success! Every kid all over the world loves him and he sells tons of products and franchises, being turned into a very wealthy shark, together with his agent! Until, one day, he forgets to turn off the hidden cameras on his island and the world watches stunned, on their TV sets, what really is going on in his island! Henry and his friends have to run and try to escape from KING SHARK, the evil sharkies, aligators, white sharks, mummies and vampires, to get back to the cartoon machine that might bring them back to their homes! As the plot takes place, KING SHARK's cousin, KING SHARKOR, glimpses from another galaxy, where he lives, on planet SHARKOS, every step of what's happening! But that's the sequel! I'd be very happy if you'd allow me to submit a hard copy of my script, as its family-children oriented and kids all over the world would be thrilled with KING SHARK and PLANET SHARK!"

It appears that this guy stopped taking the crack and managed to compose a slightly more coherant version of the SHARKOS!

Wayyyy better than THE SHINING -- NOT!!

"This horror/suspense would be popular (and not cost much to make). Great acting roles and the last 25 minutes rivals that of THE SHINING - as for as horror goes. This is the story about a normal college kid who is haunted by the ghost of a student who was murdered ten years earlier by his history professor, the very same history professor that the student now has.

A man warns both our hero and his girlfriend of the professors' secret agenda. He tells them that they are the only ones who can save the kidnapped victims presently chained up at the professors' home. Yet, is our boy believing the right person? The informant may not be the innocent ghost he claims. However, the student and his girlfriend step up and break into the professors' house. It is there where they experience the scariest horror house ever imagined, thanks largely to an ax murderer in a ski mask (the lady is recognized after he removes her mask). When the professor finally arrives home, the two students get to go face to face with a serial killer one who is responsible for three decades worth of murders.

Still, the professor is just one third of the killing team. The man reappears but he really isn't who he appears to be nor is he a ghost. The students were chosen as the next victims, stalked and tricked to end up in the solitude of this terrifying home. The man got to play the role as ghost thanks to his creepy aura and the student being unknowingly punctured with a hypodermic needle containing a hallucinating drug right before class (by the lady), thus creating the crazy illusions.

Sooner or later, the Professor and his secret horror house would eventually be found out by the authorities, which leads the man to stab the professor and cut his ties, claiming it was just a matter of time till the Professor was caught.

Now acting as the flies caught in the killer's web, the couple are facing death, but luckily, another student (our guy's nemesis from school), escapes from a treasure chest, clubbing the man therefore saving his foe, and it is our boy who gets to put an end to the last part of the serial killer team."

Gambling's a sin, don'tcha know

"A Native American boy struggling with his mother's death discovers magic, danger and eventually his father's love when he tries to protect his reservation town from a corrupt casino developer."

Stay in college, kid.

"This screenplay is not your typical comedy. It is a "Dumb and Dumber" meets "Pulp Fiction" kind of thriller. It involves the naïve Rusty discovering that the president is staging a war to cover up an extra-marital affair. In negotiations, it is determined that Rusty can do anything he wants for three days that is within reason in exchange for keeping this crucial information a secret. Rusty goes through a hilarious chain of events, and he does it all without the film losing the appeal of well thought out action movie. This film contains both original comedy and meaningful action. Everything in the film happens for a reason, and it unfolds with a beautiful twist in the end."

Could you imagine the one-sheet for this?

"Who will deal with the children of treachery?" grieving widows lament throughout the jungle swamps.

Maum, his young protégé Amio, the patriarch Hato, and Kani the Legendmaker have little doubt that the mysterious Tuans will try to change their headhunting ways. But how? And to what purpose? Or will "tuwi asonai man," their ancient ideal of treachery, swallow up Tuan Don, his beautiful-blond-blue-eyed wife Carol and their baby?

This violent drama with an uplifting Christmas ending is based on Don Richardson's book recounting his missionary work among the Sawi in 1960's Indonesia."

Most obvious and uncreative metaphor EVER

"While struggling to bring in a critical grape harvest, a tough vineyard owner must harvest the bitter fruit of past mistakes in order to make amends to the son he alienated."

Dude, watch my hairs

"LOGLINE: A heavy metal band fights an evil corporation, trying to put an end to commercialism in music. Using modified musical instruments as swords, spears and axes!

GENRE: Action/Comedy

An evil corporation has taken over the music business. Hard Rock is part of the past. Heavy Metal means nothing now but the material which rich label execs use to strengthen their vaults. Four rockers must put an end to this! In this script, a jaded Metal band tries to put an end to commercialism in today's music - having as weapons no more than their own modified musical instruments. This is to be taken literally. At the cartoonish world where the story takes place, dart-throwing flutes can be as deadly as metal-made cellos used as war hammers by a hideous orchestra! Once two band members have already freed from captivity their lead guitar and an infamous mp3 smuggler... And have already convinced their drummer, to join them in a hopeless crusade... Are they ready to confront their Nemesis? Without having their hairs messed up?"

Hot robot action.

"ROLAND AND BELINDA is a sci-fi story about a relationship between two androids.

Roland is the personal ‘andy’ of Stills McCrory, a 24th century billionaire. The rich keep their andys very close, and Roland has a front row seat to human life. Love, betrayal, loss, loyalty, grief, Roland sees it all, and learns.

McCrory takes a cadre of employees on a space cruise through a distant solar system. Belinda is an andy that works in the galley. Roland knows her and in his own way, likes her.

A meteor swarm forces the ship to crash-land on a forbidding desert planet filled with very nasty venomous creatures. The humans don’t survive, the andys do.

Roland and Belinda are alone. They move right up to the line of what it means to be human, and then some. This is a tragic love story.

I hope you will decide to take a look at ROLAND AND BELINDA."

The Three

"Set in Houston and Atlanta, BLINDSIGHTED is the story of a police detective tracking a serial killer through a series of grisly paintings. The homicidal suspect happens to be a nationally-renowned blind artist who lives in Atlanta and has the uncanny ability to paint what he cannot see— homicides-in-progress."

El crapo!

"Stuck in America with no work and no way home, two not-so-bright, but lovable illegals kidnap an actor trapped in an alien costume and try to return him to Area 51, so he can get a spaceship and drop them off at home on his way back to his planet."

Duh, it's called WITCH house for a reason.

Logline: A bluebeard is haunted by the ghost of his deceased wife who plans revenge with the help of his new, rich bride. (A Twist on the classic Bluebeard Tale.)

Synopsis: A man romances and marries an attractive widow and they settle down in his estate, the venerable Victorian Witch House. She is an attractive widow, and he, while he appears well off, has a gambler's mentality. They soon feel the presence of his late wife, a devotee of Wicca and the original owner of Witch House. His new wife is drawn to the ghost and vice versa. Meanwhile, two deaths occur around the former wife's "magic mirror." He finds out that she has more than ordinary powers. And then his new wife becomes possessed of the other wife's ghost. She knows too much and now he must deal with her.

Oh my god, the "it's all in your mind" twist -- SO overdone!!

"An Iraqi/American, believes she lives in the city of Acheron, a sort of Rock 'n' Roll Heaven and Hell. It is presided over by a man who is a combination of Jimmy Swaggart-type preacher, Tony Robbins and Saddam Huessein. Acheron is populated exclusively by dead 20th century pop culture icons: everyone from Marilyn to Martin Luther King Jnr. and JFK; from Elvis and Jimi Hendrix to Gandhi. The thing is, most of these people have forgotten who they were. They seem oblivious to their former superstar status and power, and worship instead their tin god leader, who has media hypnotised them into following his treachorous ways. Our heroine is a Shi'ite refugee who fled Iraq after her parents were butchered to death by Saddam Huessein, but now she believes she is the re-incarnation of James Dean. The Rebel Without A Cause has finally found one - to convince the population of Acheron to rise up against their slave status and defeat the evil power of Swayer. But there's just one small problem, her shrink, who's trying to persuade her that she's not James Dean and Acheron only exists inside her deluded mind. And so her fight begins."

Kiss of the butterfly woman?

"Strange black and yellow butterflies haunt the life of a beautiful 19 year biology student at New York University. Curious, she does a research on them, only to end up on a trip to Darjeeling, in India, with her best two friends, where she unexpectedly meets face to face with the queen Rayna Butterfly monster. Later, back in New York, she notices that she has been turned into a vampire and that she needs to drink the blood from her fellow teenagers, everywhere she can find it, inside dance houses, discos, bars and clubs. But she falls in love, suddenly and becomes pregnant. How will her baby vampire affect her life? Will she be doomed with her curse forever or will she be able to get rid of this evil inside her, one day? "

Behold! I am back with this gem!

"I am contacting you regarding potential representation of my screenplay 'The Fartiste.' Logline: The true story of Joseph Pujol, the most popular performer in 1890s Paris: can a man with a musical ass hope to be taken seriously as an artist?

On several occasions, Johnny Depp has expressed an interest in playing Pujol (see Playboy Interview) -- but I believe that this tragicomic role would appeal to several big-name actors."

In favor of overpopulation!

"Logline: The day before yesterday fowler chased the bluebird. Yesterday he chased the redbird. Now the blackbird is leading fowler to us... Why?

Genre: Fantasy/Action

Synopsis: There is the world where everyone has three warning days before death's coming. On any three days Gudar, angel of death, sends a bird. The fowler follows the birds, trying to find the one person. Finding the right one, fowler doesn't let Gudar take the person's life away..."

I hope there's T&A because there's not much else in here

Jane, an ex-convict, is just trying to lead a normal existence after serving jail time for murder. Anju is a prototype of the next step in human evolution, tougher, smarter and far more ruthless. When Anju escapes from her "creators" and takes a hostage, Jane is hired to go after her and bring her in, by any means necessary. But Anju has some information that's about to lead Jane against her bosses, as they uncover a plot to destroy the human race. Anju's not about to let the creation of her kind become the destruction of mankind and she teams up with Jane to save our species.

Have you seen my baseball?

"LOGLINE: This is a heart-warming family comedy about how the special-ed kids teach their bus driver how special he is, as their impromptu field-trip becomes an FBI manhunt for the PTA's most-wanted.

SYNOPSIS: Our man thinks he's nothing special - a volunteer fireman in the small town of Sunshine, Maryland and driver of the special education school bus. When the beloved special-ed teacher dies, and he falls in love with her replacement. After the jackass of a school principal decides the "special" kids can't join the others on a school-wide camping weekend, he decides to take the kids on an impromptu field trip to Florida with their eteach. With sleeping bags in hand, they see nothing wrong with fulfilling the kids' expectations for a weekend of fun.

The special kids include:
- a smart-ass diabetic who doesn't believe he’s a "sped,"
- a girl who is wheelchair-bound from a traffic accident,
- a boy with Muscular Dystrophy,
- a boy with Down's Syndrome,
- a chronically depressed girl
- an autistic boy who wears a helmet he won't let anyone take off.

Since they believe they have valid permission slips, they give-up fighting the narrow-minded school administration, and take the kids on what becomes a hilarious weekend of well-intentioned misadventure. It’s a heartwarming, family-comedy about breaking free of socially-imposed barriers."

This just seems really, really cruel and wrong.

I guess he dreamed that he gained 20lbs. and that the guy who he's majorly crushing on likes his best friend, that bitch

"A psychiatric doctor takes on the task of reading a dead girls diary in order to figure out what drove her to murder her entire family. Unfortunately for him and his family the diary begins to take its toll on his mental state as well and what starts out as simple nightmares begin to take over his entire life. He eventually loses the ability to divide dreams from reality, and the apparition of the young girl harassing him wherever he goes does not help his situation. He begins to act out of character and the lives of his wife and two daughters are at stake, as well as his own. The apparition, a young girl who brutally murdered her family years ago before committing suicide in a psychiatric ward, eventually leads him back to the place where she died, begging him to do what he himself is asking everyone to do for him. Help her wake up."

Watch out for them Hungarian 'land' Vikings...

"GENRE: Adventure / Fantasy

SIMILAR FILMS: Whale Rider,... Stand By Me,... and The Goonies

When the Wildwood Summer Camp bus pulls into the school’s parking lot, Lil Bobby steps off the bus and into his mother’s packed car. Lil Bobby didn’t know that while he was at camp, his parents decided to move from Pensacola, Florida to Lake Horn, Nevada to care for his ailing grandfather, Noah, an eccentric man who believes the entire town of Lake Horn was once covered by a lake almost as big as one of the Great Lakes. Although Noah lives in the Nevada desert, he resides in a beach-styled house built on stilts fifteen feet high. The house is equipped with inflatable tubing and life boats.

When Noah dies, Lake Horn is hit by a series of devastating Hurricanes (That’s right,... Hurricanes in Nevada), signaling the lake’s return. Noah dies the day after Lil Bobby and his family arrives, but before he dies, he tells Lil Bobby that 700 years ago, a group of Magyars - Asian Nomads or ‘land’ Vikings, crossed the Pacific into North America and began raiding the Native villages all along the Western coast. One day the Magyars stumbled on an inland waterway that flowed into the majestic Lake Horn. The Magyars continued their raid on the villages around the lake until a Native Spiritual Chief casts a spell on the Magyars that made them and the lake vanish. Now, time has run out on the spell and the Magyars are back, which means the lake can’t be too far behind. Before Lil Bobby can get settled in his new home, he and his new friend, Solomon, set out on a desperate plight to save the town of Lake Horn."

Why are the Brits hapless and the missing Japanese?

"Two hapless Brits work for a NYC tour bus company, unaware that they're fronting for smugglers. In their frantic search for two missing Japanese passengers, the fledgling tour guides unwittingly thwart the biggest garment heist in city history."

What a tough choice!

"Unwilling to let people know he's ill, a young man breaks up with his girlfriend, struggles to find someone else for her, and sets off to live the rest of his life alone. But what happens when he finally meets the love of his life? Will he stay, or run from a life that's at last worth living?"

Ghost dog!

"Gramps was sure that the black and tan pup was crushed to death beneath the heavy wheels of the tractor. After the accident, all Gramps and Gumbo could do was stand back and watch as Moonshine’s eyes flushed with tears while he bid farewell to his little friend… but for reasons unknown, the little pup came back to life at Moonshine’s gentle touch."

Somewhere, someone is creeping me out.

"Two horrible and ugly bugs, decide to hire a loser Brazilian scriptwriter, to write a script on all bugs, making them look good and funny, turning them into super-heroes! The scriptwriter, who is devastated because the film industry doesn't even look at his best shark scripts, destinated to kids, has nothing to do! He enters into an agreement with all the bugs, for them to eat all the producer's scripts in the motion picture industry, leaving only THE BUGZ! script as their only option! He writes a hilariouso story about the bugs, making them really look good! Even cockroaches thenafter, try to persuade him to write further scripts on them too!"

This was legitimately submitted to a query website that emails me various script pitches, but I am really hoping that someone decided to write a false pitch and submit it as a joke. Otherwise, this is just too frightening.

This will win more Oscars that LOTR:ROTK, I can just tell from this query!

Paladin, as a concept, means an extremely noble, heroic and religious knight - the symbol of all that is right and true. As such, he has high ideals that he MUST maintain at all times. This epic screenplay itself is a careful mixture of medieval adventure, chivalry, religion, fantasy, divinity and the supernatural - not to mention the "must-haves" of romance and action. If you liked Lord of the Rings, Gladiator or Troy, then you are going to love this. I am a foreign writer, and have just completed the task of turning one of my long-term ideas into a screenplay. I have been writing and telling stories throughout my 30-years and I especially excel in the fields of fantasy and medievalism. Here in my country we have very few opportunities to make decent films, so the kind of script that I have in my hands, is virtually impossible to do in our movie-making business. Rest assured that I have considered all basic issues such as American standard and guidelines for producing a blockbuster film. This script can, and should, be made into a film ONLY in America, the great home of cinema.

You know, I got the fratboy query this morning as well, but ManagerGuy beat me to the punch. So, I present something from the archives for your entertainment.

Civilzing the world, one frat at a time.

"It's time for a fraternity comedy nothing like Animal House or Old School. In those movies, we are supposed to laugh at the type of characters in the Greek system and the wild adventures experienced in a fraternity.

But what about the majority of us that just think fratboys are jerks?

That is the base of Fratboy Missionaries. It is a very dark comedy about two brothers (Corey and Hunter) that go around the world and set up fraternities in third world countries. Much like religious missionaries, they view their purpose as saving people's souls. Tongue-in-check, Corey and Hunter become our heroes as they seek to civilize the rest of the world."

In my crystal ball, I see an ominous future for this query...

"Logline: The Real Spring Break Meets Ghost

Genre: Supernatural/Thriller

Synopsis: Tells the tale of a group of college students who travel to Daytona Beach for Spring Break vacation. While in Florida they have the time of their lives, until the day arrives when they decide to visit the very real nearby town of spiritualists. Soon after having their futures ominously foretold to them, an annual rite of spring turns into a dangerous rite of passage. A moment of moral clarity then leads the students to a consciousness-raising conclusion that will leave you spellbound..."

PETA --> Please End This Agony

"Lips that touched meat would never touch hers...Tastes change.

An animal rights activist, an altruistic woman, confronts the hedonistic king of burger franchises. Her vehement protests rock the CEO's carefree world. When his significant other/company president launches a "Meat Builds Strong Bodies" campaign, she grabs the apathetic man's attention by herding cattle through his office. Her compatriots carry signs proclaiming, 'Get To Know Your Dinner.' The pampered CEO stands for everything the ardent crusader hates. But that doesn't stop them from falling in love. Their worlds collide, creating comic conflict and chaos."

I want sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!

"There is a shark planet formed by water only, in another galaxy! Its ruler king, together with his evil sharkies, which have now been upgraded, but still have red eyes and chicken feet, send a starship to earth, to kidnap a boy and his friends, bringing them to Sharkos, to sit trial before all evil sharkies! But, the king is betrayed by his own cousin, who in fact, is Space Shark! Will the boy and his friends be able to persuade the king that he can become a major rock star on earth, with his band THE SHARKS? How will the kids ever return home? Will Space Shark help them?"

Reading this gave me a migraine.

"When a lab-created, "perfect" Russian spy decides to go renegade with five clones of herself -all of which she controls - and use them with the technology that formed her to keep self-replicating until she has total immortality and global power, the only person who can stop her is an identical twin who by miracle has her own, separate soul and consciousness. Knowing the destruction that will come if her evil half isn't stopped, this twin sets out on a perilous hunt in which she must find and kill six women that look exactly like herself before they get to her!"

How many 'crazy mix-ups' will there be here?

"Barry Abraham is a thirty-five year old bicycle messenger who leads a monastic existence in his quest to become a God-realized soul. That is, until he crosses paths with a cocky, twelve year old juvenile delinquent on the run for his life and a sexy, cyclone-powered attorney searching for "Mr. Right."

The first sentence is all I need to run away -- fast!

"This story is about a white bigot who is magically transformed into the body of a black man. He finds himself as the football coach at an all-black high school and must lead his team to victory over his all-white alma mater in order to change back to himself. The head coaches on the other team, who were the protagonist's best friends, are still bigots and now the antagonists in the story. Through a series of comic twists and turns, including an unexpected romance, our protagonist leads the team to victory and learns some valuable lessons about brotherhood, empathy and team spirit."

I hope she welds, too.

"She does all the wrong things. For all the right reasons. Which may explain her crimes. Which may explain the terms of her probation. She is serious, smart and struggling. Her world-weary sense of humor barely conceals the insecurity, the sensitivity, the fact she's only eighteen. Born to be a dancer, she is poetry in motion. Her physique, sleek and agile, is crowned by a pretty face -- "prettier," as the song goes, "if she smiled once in a while." No time for that, though. Not at The Royal Oak Ballet Company, where the door only opens to a chosen few and bodies are pushed to the limit.

She enters with undeniable gifts. But the other dancers notice her vintage, wrong-side-of-the-tracks attire. The jealous prima donna with killer instincts, notices. A fellow dancer, smitten at first sight, notices. And she notices them noticing. Still, she shines. To a point. The intimidating director points out she's all technique, no soul, no feeling. And any bluesman or bebop musician will tell you: knowing the notes ain't enough. So, how to fit in? With the best intentions, a little-known tale about Balanchine and a little shoplifting. Before you know it, she's in the back of a squad car.

A judge issues a plan: To find the soul to go along with the notes, she must volunteer in the most unexpected place: The Woodland Dance Studio, an extraordinary program for disabled young people. Along the way, a wild probation officer, a corrupt politician, a social worker from hell, a blithe spirit with wisdom to burn, a ballet legend on a mission, the coolest mom in the history of mom-hood and her mix of 1960's counter-culture leftovers, more than a few artful dodges, laughter and loss, harmonic convergence of the Small World variety, first love, and a very special heart-shaped locket all turn her world upside down. Her realization? She's missed the forest for the trees. And, when the budget axe falls and the politics get dirty, she springs into action and orchestrates the performance of a lifetime. She digs a deeper hole. She entertains law enforcement, again. And no one will ever be the same."

I have no clue what this even means.

"A woman who psychically experiences the ongoing attacks of a San Francisco strangler must regress into the past to determine whether her own lover could be the murderer."

Another long one...but at least it's a cheap movie to make!

This story tells the answers to why and where the great pyramids came from and tells it through an adventure ride through time. It begins in the year 2365. "In the shadows of a maximum security government research base, a bald feeble looking man appears instantaneously 20 feet above the ground where he floats in free space for a fraction of a moment and then slams to the ground shattering his leg. The man cautiously drags himself through the yard of the facility, until he finds a window to a basement. He breaks the window and while climbing inside he picks up a piece of the jagged glass and takes it with him. He makes his way to an old, musty storage room and struggles to dig his way to the bottom of a junk pile where he finds an empty storage crate. The man rips out a handful of hair from his chest and jams it into a plastic bag that he found buried in an old fermenting trash can. He then tunnels himself to the bottom of the crate and gashes his wrists with the glass to his quick painful death."

The story then shifts another 75 years into the future. The same man is with a group of scientist. They are experimenting with time travel and believe they can send object back in time, but they have no way to return them to the present. They decide to send one person through. The goal is to have the man save DNA and then kill himself. He does so, and when they find his DNA, they use cloning to bring him back to life and he has a full memory of everything. That is how they travel back into the future.

The world is at war and there is much despair. The team of 8 scientists decide to all go back into time to four different periods. Each team has a mission to change the outcome of the world. The first three teams that are traveling must accomplish their tasks and then make it possible for the other teams to find their DNA. The first team goes back 4000 years to develop the first civilization. This is the reason for the Pyramids and the hidden tombs. In the tombs they find jars with body organs and other DNA that have survived 4,000 years. Teams two and three go back in time 1,000 years and 500 years respectively and team three is responsible for many changes in the world. They also leave very interesting clues about who they are and how their friends can find their DNA.

This story takes a wild ride back and forth over 4,000 years. It involves love, excitement, exploration and it even brings a possible answer to many unexplained phenomenons through out history. In the end, all but two of the team members are found and the world is, as it is today."

Minoxidil Madness!

"Dr. Boyd is on the precipice of discovering something that will change the world.

Using stem cell technology, the brilliant research scientist has created a formula that can possibly regenerate skin cells and hair follicles. Burn victims, not to mention bald men, around the world will have a chance to live normal lives.

But when his project takes an unexpected and disastrous turn, Dr. Boyd begins to suspect that not everyone is as excited about his research as he is.

His suspicion leads him into a dangerous game of blackmail, drug deals, mob entanglements, medical espionage, and quite possibly, murder. For the first time in his life, he must use his intelligence outside of the comfort of his laboratory. But is he already in too deep?

This script takes a frightening look at research science as well as another cut-throat industry - Plastic Surgery - and the men who will stop at nothing to protect their own interests, even at the expense of all of mankind."

Let's play doctor.

"When a guy rents the spare room in his beach house to beautiful, thong-wearing, bowl-game-watching, nursing student, he thinks it's all too good to be true. He's right."

It would have been better if this author could have told me exactly WHY this sexy single nursing student is too good to be true. I see her either turning out to be a man or a crazed, murderous ex.

I need a flowchart for this one.

"When a New York City hooker assumes the identity of her psychologist twin sister in order to pay a debt, she becomes an overnight self-help guru and falls in love with her sister's boyfriend."