Monday, February 28, 2005

Yet another lets-go-back-in-time-to-kill-Hitler script

"Logline: A man goes back in time to kill Adolf Hitler and finds his actions have unintended consequences.

Genre: Sci-fi/Action

A Jewish guy is sent back in time by his university professor to kill Hitler, for the good of mankind, the night in 1933 he came to power in Germany. When he arrives back in 2004, New York City is now New Berlin City and the United States is now part of the German Unified Territories. He must find a way to undo what has been done."

Please answer this question.

"What would happen if an emotionally shallow but highly successful businessman had a life-changing reunion with his dead father that forced him to re-examine his life?"

Friday, February 25, 2005

I'm raising our national terror alert to Orange

"Synopsis
a strange event has just occurred on the level of the planet ground, this event is of a width such as the human spirit cannot support it. A violent one seism of an incredible intensity has just struck our planet ground and caused the division of the planet ground in two planets. America planet = all the American continent. Planet ground = the rest of the world. And veiled the people of two planets are called has to live in spite of them another destiny a dubious future."

This one also includes a very detailed (and grammatically confused) description of the 6-act screenplay which was just too long and too brutal to post.

When I was on the math team in high school, I killed someone too.

"'A young group of kids form a club which turns into a nightmare of bureaucracy.'

Genre: Black Comedy

This is the first screenplay in a planned trilogy. It is told in a non-linear narrative style. A group of kids form a math club which turns into a nightmare of bureaucracy and ends up consuming their lives. It eventually leads to someone's murder."

PRETEND you're a good writer

"Question : when was the last time you read a TRULY ORIGINAL movie screenplay for a mystery/chiller - one that keeps you guessing right to the final twist?

May I humbly offer for your perusal - PRETEND.

Outline :
After the traumatic death of his wife, widower Sam has an only, lonely daughter, Charlie. Charlie has an IMAGINARY FRIEND, Hal, to keep her company. When a beautiful and mysterious woman walks into Sam's life Hal changes from being merely imaginary to becoming ALL TOO REAL. Real enough to be heard, to be seen, to pose a very real threat.
BUT - in Sam's world, who is real - and who is only - PRETEND?

For more details / full screenplay / Word2000 floppy please contact ..."

Who the fuck sends out FLOPPY DISCS anymore? 1987 calling!

I love this new school writing style: Very 5th Grade

"Jen's dates are disasters, so she hires the date coach Greg Woozer, offering "total date management", going on simulated dates, grading and coaching dates. Greg falls in love with Jen. Jen is supposed to marry rich Ted, but loves Greg. Greg punches out Ted. Jen and Greg get married. The Waterboy meets There's Something About Mary."

Thursday, February 24, 2005

A typical night out in LA... Yawn.

"An ambulance driver and his partner's quiet night shift becomes hell on earth when a Mars probe disintegrates over Los Angeles, releasing germs that turn people into horny maggot-spewing zombies. Now they must navigate a swinging singles night of the living dead to rescue their girlfriends and take them to safety... before one of them becomes infected and turns on the group. The grossest horror script you'll ever read!"

It's the next Passion of the Christ!! And wait: there's a soundtrack, too!

"Logline: Set in the Judea of 33 A.D., this is the story of an undersized, rebellious talking donkey who learns to trust and obey humans, and let Jesus ride him into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday.

Synopsis: An undersized talking donkey, and his master get into trouble with almost everyone in town, including his master's father, the Rabbi, and the governor, Pontius Pilate. The master even gets two girls to fall in love with him at the same time, proposes marriage, and proposes to ride the donkey into Jerusalem on his bar mitzvah day to impress them. However, this interferes with the donkey's plans to prove he is a manly donkey and marry one of the master's girlfriend's donkeys. The donkey's adopted father, the Rooster Red, tells the donkey that his master is just using the donkey for his own selfish ends. The donkey starts to mistrust all humans and refuses to let anyone ride him. We watch the donkey's comical antics as he learns to regain his trust in humanity, to reconcile with his master, and to allow the greatest Person who ever lived, Jesus, to ride him into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday. An animation for family audiences, this feature comes with a seven song original soundtrack."

Can someone translate this?

"The friendship between a mild-mannered medical student and a wild beauty professional 'transforms' after they unwittingly fall for a guy who is pretending to be twins."

Sick-ening

"A Scientist on the verge of discovering the cure for the common cold mysteriously disappears. In searching for him, his protégé is chased by pharmaceutical spies and time-travels to the lab where her late father made an unheralded discovery."

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Fantastic!

"LOGLINE: A serial murderer is preying upon members of the Tucson archaeological community, claiming to be wreaking vengeance for crimes committed against Native American cultures. He uses ancient artifacts stolen from the Arizona State Museum as his murder weapons."

Think somebody is a little bitter?

Awesome idea for a porn film.

"A young newlywed couple blissfully moves into their dream home. Their happiness is short lived when strange happenings begin to occur. It is soon discovered that the house holds a secret that will propel the couple to confront their previous adulterous affair -- from a past life."

A lot of heroes to root for here.

"Logline; Crimes of passion are never repeated until a drugged out hooker uses her fatherly pimp's past obsessions as the weapon for her own suicide."

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Pick your favorite phrase!

"A man named Tainon, a legend among whispers enters the heart of a war within the futuristic city of West World and races to activate the doomsday weapon in exchange to find his brother."

But does this image appear in a tortilla?

"A woman realizes that a little statue can cure any ailment. But after healing many people, she discovers that when the statue heals you, someone -- somewhere in the world -- gets your disease."

I'm not even sure what this means.

"A gifted teenage girl, reduced to sleeping rough, finds a surrogate father who, despite his dark past, will do whatever it takes to give this young girl the life she deserves."

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Trotsky Meets Woody Allen

"A neurotic in 1880s Russia tries to deal with his inferiority complex by challenging a hated classmate to a duel and playing mind-games with a sweet young whore."

And Hijinks Ensue!

"BUSINESS AS USUAL is a feature-length comedy in which an immature and self-centered medical billing executive audits a problem client's account. When a hilarious office injury lands her under that client's medical care, the young executive uses hospital hi-jinks and some help from her conscience personified in order to expose the doctor's corruption."

Sunday, February 13, 2005

PASS!!

"Headcase is about Angel, an innocent deformed gypsy boy, who is part of a carnival freak show in the year 1955."

Can you believe someone out there is actually wasting time on this?

"THIRTY-THREE: horror/psychological thriller.
estimated time: 100 minutes.

If you liked films like Rosemary's Baby, The Omen, The Others, The Shining, The Machinist you will enjoy reading this script. At least...

Concept: The script is a cliché, playing on all the themes we know from the above films, the evil house, the terrible neighborhood, the sinuous characters, the prophecies and the preachers, even the photo revelation; but one ultimate twist in the last scene defies the genre itself.

Joe is a priest gone furniture designer, a theology student who has grown to hate religion. He buys a house with the help of a bank loan he just acquired. He meets the bizarre people of his eerie neighborhood, Mahmout, the Pakistani little shop owner; Cumare, an Akido martial arts teacher; Zacharias, an old friend from theology school; and Lunati, the crazy-eyed doctor.

Joe finds a wallet in the metro. It belongs to Maria, a wannabe actress/librarian. They meet, fall in love and kiss. Eight months later, Maria is pregnant. Theodoros, a mad Greek archeologist, approaches Joe insisting that the house is built on a temple. Joe finds out that he bought the house for 50.000 Euros less than Theodoros bid for it. Dr. Lunati is sketchy and seems to avoid explaining something strange spotted on the baby's ultrasound image, the house is full of whispers, preaching, open windows, and an obscure atmosphere as Maria goes mad and attacks something that isn't there with a knife. Joe finds out that Theodoros has died, and thinks his wife is cheating on him with Cumare. Theodoros left a notebook to be given to Joe. The notebook is full of Theodoros' research of a myth and its equivocal theme about the area, the grave and prophecies make Joe believe there is something really wrong with
the house. Joe and Maria fight...

Between 1990 and 2004, 33.124 pregnant women were murdered by a partner or a husband, 43% of the total causes of death among mothers-to-be?" Ever wondered why?

CONS

- If it doesn't have INCREDIBLE acting, it will fall apart in the first
30 minutes.
- This is a first draft, missing some research
- It is an homage to Rosemary's Baby, an answer you could say.

PROS

- Low production potential
- Every scene plays its role and results to a "Usual Suspects" build-up
Montage
- Very fast paced script
- It has one thing that no other horror films have."

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

This is long, but it's sooooooooo worth it.

"CUFFS"
Dark Comedy

LOG LINE:

A prison guard ghost returns to oust a flamboyant warden and his dimwitted gang.

SYNOPSES:

A dark comedy which operates on several important levels. This unique screenplay takes on America scandalous prison culture exposing, with outrageous satirical humor, a hidden society which is rife with corruption and the abuse of power.

We are introduced to BEAR, a mystical Native American Shapeshifter and his Spirit Animal Army. With help from Great Stone Mother, Bear and his loyal followers set out to reclaim a sacred Paiute burial ground where an imposing prison now stands.

Enter JAMES "CUFFS" CALLAHAN, the story s pivotal character. Cuffs is a former prison Corrections Officer who returns from the dead with his K-9 companion IKE to the high desert of southern Nevada to take on and expose a corrupt warden and his flunky cohorts.

We meet Cuffs when he is alive, working as a conscientious and caring Corrections Officer at the prison. When Cuffs discovers that the prisoners are being fed food labeled "Unfit for Human Consumption" He confronts the arrogant Warden Robert Shivetz. Outraged by Cuffs' insolent behavior, Shivetz fires him.

Depressed and drowning in alcohol, Cuffs takes his own life with a gun. However, Bear captures Cuffs spirit and decides to shapeshift into a psychiatrist. He helps Cuffs open up, tell the truth, and take responsibility for his senseless act.

Cuffs returns to the prison as a ghost bent on revenge. Bear is also at the prison, posing as a convict. Together, Cuffs and Bear join forces from the spirit and ghost worlds to standup for humanity against the misuse of power behind prison walls.

For example, Bear is able at will to shapeshift and summon his faithful Spirit Animal Army to aid him and Cuffs inside the prison.

As the story unfolds, we meet a number of fascinating characters including Senator Clancy, the voice of reason; Sgt. Otis Newcomb, a dimwitted brute, the vivacious Lt. Sandy Adams, and Trooper Bob, among others.

Cuffs has a crush on Sandy. She becomes attracted to him as well, but unfortunately, it's not meant to be. Cuffs, a ghost, and Sandy human. Never the twain shall meet.

The story ends on a positive, upbeat note. Bear and his Spirit Animal Army are able to restore respect and dignity to their Paiute sacred burial ground. Clancy advances to become Vice President of The United States and later, by a twist of fate, assumes the Presidency. Cuffs join President Clancy as his aide-de-camp with Bear and his loyal Spirit Animal Army in tow.

Cuffs emerges as a scathing dark comedy which not only exposes the corrupt conduct of authority figures but also challenges our imagination, leaving hope in spirit and heart for a better day."

The Caretaker

"The mysterious Caretaker looms over the cemetery manipulating teens into stealing from the graves, angering spirits. Stalked by a real killer, the only way the teens can end their danger is to return what was taken."

Touch Of Fear

"JAKE, a detective, and ROBERT, a psychiatrist, are working together to capture CRYSTAL (a female equivalent to Hannibal Lector's presence), who is beautiful, deceptive, and loves to play mind games. She also seems to have the most interesting power. She can make people's worst fear reality simply by touching them. The problem Jake and Robert have in catching Crystal is that they already have several months earlier and she
is currently imprisoned in a mental institution under Robert's care. How can she be continuing her work? Jake has to put the clues together, face his own fears, and discover who Crystal really is before it's too late!

The audience will go through twists and turns, cry, laugh, maybe feel angry, and at the end they will be left breathless."

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Car Tag

"The popular yet illegal game of CTX (Car-Tag Extreme), where a driver has eight minutes to tag his opponent or risk blowing up, is complicated when the Mayor's daughter is kidnapped in a race against time to find out which CTX car she's in."

Spy Bride

"Marriage is a great cover.

Emmanuelle can't hold a job. She is chosen to become a mail order bride to infiltrate a spy ring of mail order brides stealing national secrets. She is trained. Emmanuelle marries a rich businessman whose company has access to nuclear weapon storage. She stops a bombing at a nuclear facility just in time.

Miss Congeniality meets La Femme Nikita."

The Maverick Prince

"In a magical world faced with a rising evil, Prince Liamil runs away from his family and an arranged marriage. Soon after he starts his new life he rescues Shali, a beautiful girl being attacked by the local thieves' guild, who turns out to be an assassin sent to kill him. The prince must no run from his own powerful family, the thieves' guild, and his jilted bride, all while living in fear of his the woman by his side.

During their brief time together Liamil learns of Shali's village being wiped out and her thirst for revenge. In the end the Shali learns who is responsible for her troubles and joins Liamil and his fiancé to defeat the evil power corrupting their city, and the Liamil embraces his former life for the greater good."

Query: Aye, Robot

"An aging and desperate golfer transforms himself into a robot in order to win golf's most prestigious tournament.

Genre: Animated Comedy

Tungsten Woody, CEO of the world's largest golf manufacturing company, grew up in the shadow of one of the game's greatest players - his father Shafton. He himself was a prodigy and a tour pro; a sure thing to win the only golf tournament his father never won - the Victor at Windsor Creek. But a missed putt, a twist of fate and twenty years later, Tungsten is defined by what he doesn't have. This is a story of the lengths one man will go to complete his legacy and the lesson he learns in his attempt."

Monday, February 07, 2005

From a script I'm reading...

So here it is, almost 10 o'clock on a Monday night and I'm reading scripts. Are you sure you wanna work in Hollywood?

Anyway, a few weeks ago I acutally requested a script based off a query. I just cracked it open and here's what I read:

"The year 1519

INT. PALACE - DAY

In an elegant and beautifully decorated room we see a wizened but elegant and wise-looking old man, LEONARDO DA VINCI, struggling to lift himself in his bed, trying to reach his cluttered work table."

PASS!

What?!

"I am looking for interest or representation in my comedy: Egg Rolls and Dandelions.

An unscrupulous divorce lawyer sends out fake love letters to drum up business inadvertently saving many shocked recipients' marriages."

BIRD BOY!

"Ever wished you could fly ... like a bird?

In the heartfelt tale, Bird Boy, a lonely and neglected 12-year-old gets this wish ... and much more than he bargained for!

BIRD BOY
FANTASY ADVENTURE / FAMILY"

Friday, February 04, 2005

Light My Fire.

"When you burst into flames every day, life can be a little hectic. But things heat up even more when a mental patient breaks out and takes along a ball-busting woman, with cops and killers on her trail.

Genre: Dramedy: Action/Comedy

Billy knows there's only one doctor who can cure him of spontaneous human combustion. He falls for Nadine, an anti-social powder keg, who kicks and bites those who get too close. When a psychiatrist is murdered and thugs close in on Nadine for blowing up a meth lab, they break free and blaze a trail to the coast, cops and killers in fast pursuit."

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Nice gift.

"LOG LINE: Santa brings a woman with amnesia home.

SYNOPSIS:

Unhappily-engaged-to-the-wrong man LUCY has a bad day at the diner then scurries down the icy street carrying Christmas packages, before losing her footing and banging her head--hard--against the curb. Meanwhile, little CARMELA asks Santa for a new mommy, and her single, lonely dad WILLIAM is sorry he can't deliver... Yet, when they awaken on Christmas morning, the Kinkaids find Lucy on their sofa!"

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

The blog is working.

Check out this email I got from a writer who checks the site. Maybe this blog is serving a higher purpose than just making you laugh.

"I'm just starting to send out the first queries for my novel, and your site has put the fear of god into me.

But for the grace of god...

I've polished this damn thing ten more times since I found you, trying to avoid sounding like the goobers on your page.

All kidding aside, I wish you guys had a blog where we could submit queries BEFORE we send them.

Something like, "Does this query suck, or not?"

I was going to try and deliberately create the Worst Query Ever, but I will never be able to compete with the real thing."

Who would be perfect for this role?

"Logline; A handsome, manipulative,hillbilly bamboozles his way into the movie industry and winds up in the spotlight.

Synopsis; Calvin, the son of a Cherokee moonshiner arrives in LA in a rusted out van and his "gas credit card", which consists of 11 feet of unnozzled garden hose. After the first week he has gotten arrested for rape, done a "tap dance" on a jailhouse psychiatrist, escaped from jail, liberated a dog pound, destroyed a salvage yard, become a nightly fixture on the news hour, romanced two drug addicted beautiful women, and has landed a major movie role where he becomes the bankrupt studio's savior."

Episode IV: Attack of the Ducks

“Ducks, the Killer Breed: They Swim, They Quack… They KILL!” Conceived in the grand tradition of such B-movie camp classics as “Plan 9 From Outer Space” and “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”, “Ducks, the Killer Breed” tells the story of some harmless ducks that are transformed into blood-thirsty fowl by radiation from a meteorite that lands on their barn.

Imagine you are a 10 year old boy who lives on a farm and owns some ducks. Now imagine that one night a meteorite crashes into the barn, bathing the ducks in radiation from outer space. What would you do when you awoke to find that your pet ducks had become bloodthirsty fiends? “Ducks, the Killer Breed” tells the story of Timmy, a simple farm boy who must face the horror of radiation-transformed ducks, whom he once loved, and who once loved him, but who now are out to devour him and anyone (or anything) else who crosses their path. To save his parents and siblings (indeed, the whole farming community), he must heroically battle them to the death.

This script will contain such scenes as: a foul-mouthed jerk of a duck hunter getting his comeuppance from the irradiated ducks, i.e., the hunter becoming the hunted! It will also contain a lot of one-liner puns.

Note to the reader: lest you find the idea of scary ducks laughable, I should specify that as a result of being irradiated, these ducks have grown fangs in their bills. Also, their droppings are acid, and will melt anything they land on."