Monday, January 31, 2005

Same blog; New Look

Bowing to some complaints regarding the text colors, I have updated the blog style. But all the contents - and your witty responses - are still there, hopefully in an easier to read form.

Too lazy to title this.

"A quick-tempered genius and his big hearted but not to bright brother create a crime fighting super suit and wind up getting in way over their heads."

Genre: Action/Comedy

Nick and Ray Cavello come into a lot of money and quickly become bored. Ray convinces his genius brother to build him a super suit which attracts the attention of the megalomaniacal Freya Bakken. An accident gives Ray real powers and fuses the super suit to Freya, turning what started as a lark into a battle for survival.

This story is about my relationship with my volatile brother who is burdened with a 185+ IQ. Armed with 30 years of movie fanaticism, I spent the last year and a half working on this story with several script analysts. A common opinion is that the first two thirds feel like "The Incredibles" with the last third feeling like "Spiderman". Although this is a stand alone script, I designed it with franchise potential."

Must. Make. This.

"In this screenplay, Page, a frustrated poet feeling out of step with reality, is laying beside the pond in Central Park, writing in her diary when accidentally stepped upon by Ben Moody, a dead soul living in limbo and not liking it."

Does this make any sense to anyone?

"Logline: The headmaster of a newly-constructed high-altitude sports academy becomes neurotically obsessed with litigation over the construction's ancillary damage to a hospital far below, as a way of diverting himself from his wife's poorly hidden affair with the projects architect."

Friday, January 28, 2005

No shit?

"A private detective takes on an unusual job with unusual circumstances."

What's wrong with this sentence?

"...Would it matter if I told you that the script consultant told me that it was one of the best scripts she had ever read. This all before a substantial rewrite..."

I laughed numerous times at this one.

"A man meets an emotionally disturbed woman, who claims that her dead mother's spirit is waiting for her at an abandoned College. After deciding not to continue his friendship with her, he soon discovers just how emotionally disturbed she really is."

Genre: Supernatural Thriller

This screenplay surrounds the mystery of Ghosts. Are they real? Do they actually exist? It's in the vein of the Sixth Sense."

The most original movie ever!

"Commitment-phobic Sam dates fellow commitment-phobe Megan to win a bet and pay off mob debts."

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Finally! A horror movie about BLINKING!

"What if you were murdered tonight? In a blink of an eye, what would your last memory be?

This is the creepy premise of BLINK TWICE AND DIE. It’s a psychological horror thriller about a group of students who fight to escape the curse of a vengeful ghost that awakens and haunts their school during "picture day."

Fearful whispers of an old school myth echo down the classroom halls on a day that happens once a year in every high school in America, the longstanding tradition of yearbook photographs, "Blink twice during your photograph and he’ll come after you" so goes the school’s urban legend.

This myth was always adhered to with a grain of salt until a classmate vanishes without a trace just days after she "blinked twice."

Mother of God is right!

"Are you accepting new clients. If so, I'd like to offer my script, "EMANUEL". It is a low budget Drama that has been recommended by Lee Levinson, Lejen Literary Consultants.

Scene: Emanuel lifts the bloody sheet off the child. The boy blinks and reaches for his mother. The Medics stare in terror. the policeman falls against his cruiser. He makes The Sign of The Cross.

POLICEMAN

Mother of God!

Synopsis: Emanuel is an instant celebrity. The media says he brought a child back to life. It doesn't matter to the greedy opportunists that surround him. All they want is to make money off Emaneul. And when he refuses, they kill him. But it doesn't end there."

Oh boy.

"CHEMISTRY is a broad comedy about an unlucky-in-love guy who finally meets the girl of his dreams, only to discover that he is allergic to her. The role is a great one for any of the top comic actors."

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

The next MULTIPLICITY?

"Seven immortal beings that share the same soul are hunted down by an obsessed corporate magnate intent on using them as a weapon."

yes. Yes. YES!!!!

"She has the powers of the dragon; and the charm and wit of a student. She's super strong, yet delicate to those who know her. She defeats crime, and still has time to do her Saturday shopping! Meet England's latest heroine. DRAGONIA!"

Monday, January 24, 2005

There's so much to rip on here...enjoy....

"Title: Evil People
Genre: Horror

How you dress is how you die.

Synesthesia occurs when one of the five senses is aroused, yet two respond. A synesth killer chooses it's victims by colors of clothes they wear and how they sound, which arouses second senses that makes them kill them. FBI agents catch the killer with the help of a synesth on death row. Silence of the Lambs meets Scent of a Woman."

Friday, January 21, 2005

141 Pages of Fun

"Four centuries in the future - Earth's atmosphere decimated - population out of control - suicide becomes legalized - one man loses all meaning - he decides to sign - but changes his mind - and has to run to stay alive."

Genre: Science Fiction

Alfred Chen Samuel is a ruling elite who lives for his sole source of warmth, his family, in a frighteningly stratified and cutthroat society only to have his wife, daughter and unborn sun perish instantly in a fiery crash. Alone in a frightening world, he decides to sign a suicide contract. Too impatient to wait for the contract, he throws himself in front of a speeding train, but is heroically saved. His savior's dying request - find and tell his brother what happened. But the state now ready to execute the contract forces Alfred into a moment of decision: fulfill his contract and end his own pain or run for his life and fulfill his savior's dying wish. He decides to honor the sacrifice. The media catches wind of the pursuit and coins it: Suicide Run.

141 pages - industry formatted with Movie Magic Screenwriter - SUICIDE RUN awaits."

Kill me please.

"Query - "Black Virtue"

"Two arch-enemy schoolgirls and their spur-of-the-moment prank save their Catholic school from closure in a most unusual way.

Genre: Edgy Teen Comedy

Laylor and Khaki, natural opposites, have always hated each other. They meet again at their high school reunion, and are surprised at each other's life choices, and reminisce about the fateful prank that set their course.

A motorcycle stunt that went wrong made the two girls crash into the sacred Virgin Mary statue on school grounds. Surprisingly, the statue comes to life and tells them how to save the school with the help of a motorcycle-riding nun and an obscenely handsome Hollywood male movie star.

But miracles can come at an unexpected cost, as "no good deed goes unpunished."

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Wasn't this an episode of Scooby Doo?

"Logline: Maverick ufologist Max Mascot must solve the case of alien visitations at the home of glamorous perfume executive Crystal Muvlin before his pretentious celebrity arch-rival, Dr. Sanford Stoffer, beats him to the punch.

Synopsis: Ufologist Max Mascot is struggling for a career breakthrough when his longtime partner, Birch, leaves him. As Max recovers from her departure, he’s called to investigate alien visitations at the estate of Crystal Muvlin, perfume company executive. Desperate to land the case, Max takes on an eager but untested college kid as his new partner. What Max and Crystal don’t know is that the alien is actually Crystal’s resentful ex-husband in disguise, intent on stealing Crystal’s antique cologne decanters. After Max offends her VIP visitor, Finnish fragrance master Oli Bukkonen, Crystal dismisses him and hires his rival, Dr. Sanford Stoffer. Birch now works with Stoffer, a pompous promoter of theories that aliens are reincarnated humans. Max must outwit Stoffer to salvage his career and prove that his alien theories are correct."

And this is my favorite part...

"I recently completed a doctorate in literature, am a professional in the field of English education."

I wish this writer would hide for 20 years...

"I just finished a script I'd like you to read.

TITLE: 'Ready or Not'.

LOGLINE: A comedy about a kid who's so good at hide-and-seek that nobody finds him for 20 years."

Not quite sure how these all add up.

"When a popular computer company offers an easy instant credit plan, a drug addicted loser abuses the offer in order to become a big shot at a seedy topless bar."

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Our inaguration special continues...this time with Heart-Attack Cheney!

A classic...

LOGLINE:

When the Vice-President makes a deal with carnivorous aliens who chew the human race into near-extinction, a resourceful inventor and two equally-brilliant young women struggle to protect the survivors and lead them to safety.

SYNOPSIS:

The Vice-President makes a corrupt deal with a carnivorous race of aliens, nearly decimating Earth's human population. But one survivor may have the technological skills and resourcefulness to save the rest of us from extinction. Ensconced with his two female colleagues in a 26-wheeled truck-trailer made of impervium and armed with pulse cannons and phasic missiles, Jake Holiday fights his way across the North American continent in search of safe harbor for the survivors.

Starring Don Rumsfeld!!

LOGLINE:
When a young recruit is captured in Iraq, his guilt-ridden grandfather, a retired Marine in the early stages of Alzheimer's, attempts to find him and bring him home to safety.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Behind The Hairpiece

"I would like to present to you my revised version of my script, "The Donald."

THE DONALD
(revised)

"The Donald" is a revised version of the writer's original version. It recounts the true story of the the writer's experience with the Trump Organization over a screenplay the author had written titled "Antony and Cleopatra, Donald and Marla," in which the writer draws an analogy between a contemporary pair of glitzy celebrities and the two fabled lovers of antiquity. The writer thought the analogy was intriguing. In ancient Rome, Antony, one of the three Triumvirates of the Ancient World, had fallen under the spell of the power of the immortal Cleopatra. In modern contemporary America, a glitzy real estate magnate had fallen under the spell of a seductive vamp.

After a reader at Walt Disney Studios asked to see a copy of the script, the author contacted the Trump Organization about the concept. Initially, attorneys there with whom the writer talked thought it would be a "good idea," and that Donald Trump would be "intrigued." Then, after reading the script, the author received a letter from the Trump Organization threatening a lawsuit should he continue to market his script to the film industry.

"The Donald," recounts this series of events in a comical and humourous way and also provides a chronology of Trump's rise (and fall) in the celebrity world. "The Donald" sweeps across two continents---America and Southern Europe---as Trump's henchmen chase the protagonist on through Italy, Greece and Egypt and ends in a grand finale in Egypt as the writer and Trump confront each other over their diverse lifestyles."

Thursday, January 13, 2005

We're on a roll today!

"A black serial murderer picks up a pretty, white teen-aged runaway, and the two misfits form an unlikely and tragic bond as he takes her on a fateful drive from Kansas City to the Florida Keys...

...Based on the author's research as a psychoanalyst, it tells the story of Robert Allen Jones (Bobby), the son of a white mother and a black father, and his unlikely relationship with a pretty runaway named Jenny...

...Jenny falls in love with Bobby and wants to marry him so she can "make up for what your mom did," but he has other plans. The trip ends in a cove on the Florida Keys, where Bobby strangles Jenny on a sand bar as she mouths the words "I love you."

This is just so fantastic! Keep'em coming, loser!

"Title: Lifecop
Genre: Science Fiction

We can't let you live forever.

In the future humans no longer die of old age. Due to overpopulation, humans live to 200, then die via an implant. Expires disable their lifeclock implants to live past 200. They are hunted down by lifecops. Lifecop Vincent hunts down a trillionaire using expires as assassins. Vincent kills him. Blade Runner meets Timecop."

...and some more.

BEAT THE HOUSE is a horror supernatural oddysey/
suspense thriller. Spiritual Masters arise for supremacy of the planet.
*two worlds in conflict for the continuation of life
*spiritualism and reality simultaneously interacting
*empowering love between Alexandra and John (heroes)
defies restraints of time and space
*esoteric characters; unique and mysteriously empowered e.g. Arihman (nemesis)
*mystical and intriquing concepts permeate the story
***This feature is my best work.

And then hate her some more...

HOTEL SPHINX is an adventure/mystery thriller. A man reincarnates to solve the disapearance of hotel quests.
*actualizes the phenomenom of reincarnation
*love is the undercurrent propelling the story
*exemplifies the fusion of tragedy and human bonding
(Steven and Eddy)
*Steven sees imagery from the past and Eddy believes
that nothing's impossible

Gotta hate someone who can't even put their query into proper format!

DARK MISSION is a psychological thriller. A woman outwits a serial killer to survive a weekend encounter.
*signifies the reality of an actual occurrence/experience
*surreal composite of the psychotic mind of the killler (Jim)
*portrays the mental faculties and prowess of both the woman (Ashley) and the killer; revealing the high-dynamics of their polarized objectives
*no actual killing of female victims
*an ex-cop (Shanks) is hired by a philanthropist to help
Ashley
*love ensues Ashley and Shanks

Sorry Erin....

This girl wrote to me, telling me how much she loves my site. But she should have stopped there, instead of including this god-awful logline for her script ECHOES.

"Hi there -- despite the fact that I just read your website from start to finish, I still feel the urge to send you my query, even if it means potential public humiliation..

Echoes

Alvarez, a wrongly accused prisoner haunted by the death of his daughter, escapes from jail only to hide in the gruesome childhood home of the man who committed the crime. He gets his revenge with the help of a boy -- the ghost of the true killer's lost innocence."

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Can someone please explain this to me?

"LOGLINE:
When elderly boarders force him to use his "remote viewing" talent to locate federal witnesses who soon end up dead, a boy seeks help from the father he has only met in dream state - an FBI agent in the Witness Protection Program."

Two Lovers! One Hitman! Zero Chance of Success!

"LOGLINE: Psychiatrist husband and criminal defense lawyer wife simultaneously decide to murder each other, but erringly hire the same hit man. Their attempts to thwart the hit man's plan to kill a famous classical guitarist lead them back into love."

I wish....

"A talentless writer wants to do what all writers are supposed to do - commit suicide. After fruitless attempts, he blackmails a man to do the deed for him.

With a B- on a college paper about Edgar Allan Poe, Herman Davenport decides he's a writer, following all the strict writerly rules: the glasses, the hair, the cigarettes, the alcohol. Yet after infinite drafts and a growing page count, Poe: The Dark, Dark Brooding Man is nothing more than a 900 page hunk of paper.

What's a "writer" to do who can't write? How about suicide? That seems to be the next logical step. But, every attempt proves faulty until a plan emerges: witness to a murder, Herman blackmails the killer into doing what he can't seem to get right. All the while, a married woman from across the hall, obsessed with Herman's "mystery," decides he will be the one who saves her from her stagnant marriage and a strange boy continually visits Herman, dragging along his stuffed Snuffleupagus."

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Yes, yes I know...

...I've been tardy in getting the contest up and running, but I will have those nominations very soon for all of you to vote on. I do actually manage clients and such, so sometimes things get busy.

Here's something to read while you wait...perhaps my favorite headline of the year so far:

Gia Paloma Survives Overdose, Wins AVN Award

Monday, January 10, 2005

Zombie Lawyers

Logline: Lawyers have finally evolved.

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,

A normal paralegal in a typical law office on an average day, Henry didn't think anything was strange when the lawyers threw boxes at her and screamed for raw meat. Even the bloodstained shirts and screaming secretaries didn't seem terribly unusual. And yes, it was a little odd that Edward John Johnson tried to eat her face, but he'd always been touchy-feely.

Henry wasn't alarmed until she saw something so disturbing, so implausible, that she nearly became paralyzed with shock. The bloody, twitching lawyers, who had already eaten most of the support staff, were putting papers into files. Yes, she and the other survivors realized, this was the apocalypse, and they were going to be eaten by the swarm of lawyer zombies driven by their bloodlust to eat live flesh and reorganize files.

Now, maybe, just maybe, if they can make it to the service elevator, an elevator the lawyers don't know exists because it is a functional part of the office, they can escape. But if they are going to die, by god, they're going to take some lawyers with them.

Zombie, Esq. is a horror-comedy that is more than happy to hack and eat it's way through zombie lawyers and obnoxious office staff to reach the elusive service elevator.

I would love the opportunity to send you a copy of Zombie, Esq. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Why do I want to read this script?

"Query - "Varsity Demon Cheerleader"

What if Satan were a high school cheerleader?

Genre: Comedy

Even Satan deserves a vacation. After all, non-stop acts of evil for ten thousand years could wear any demon out, even the Prince of Darkness.

So God makes Satan a deal: He can have a vacation if he can persuade one human being to take his place as Lord of Evil. And one more thing, God gets to pick the human.

Looks like someone's about to get a vacation in the most unlikely of places.

Meet Lucy Ferguson, a nerdy high school senior, who's tried out for the cheerleading squad year after painful year. She's a math genius, cheerleading failure and Satan's first ever replacement.

The forces of heaven, hell, and a suburban high school collide, as Lucy comes to terms with using the power of evil to get everything she's always wanted."

Unlike most breasts in this town, here's two that are real.

Here's two loglines that are for movies that are actually in development. From today's trades:

"Set in the 21st century, the Tripods have conquered Earth and enslaved the human race by implanting a mind-controlling device in the heads of everyone over fifteen.

"A young girl from a Brazilian village realizes that it's impossible to own anybody except by touching their soul during a sexual encounter, the average duration of which is eleven minutes."

Can you guess which one stole the plot from a porno starring Rocco and Ron Jeremy?

Monday, January 03, 2005

Finally, something for that STATION AGENT ass to do.

"Dear Producer(s),

WARNING: This query letter contains EVIL MIDGETS. Continue reading at your own risk.

Micro Management is about evil midgets who take over Titan Industries, a United States defense contractor and missile manufacturer, and attempt to use the missiles to blow up Disneyland.

The midgets want to exact their revenge against Disneyland and the other theme parks in order to get even for the height restriction that keeps them from riding all the “Good Rides”. It’s up to Steve Miller, an engineer at Titan, and his buddies, who play for Titan’s basketball team to stop the evil midgets.

The maestro of the midgets, executor of the evil plan, and the new CEO of Titan Industries, is none-other than the monster truck driving Bufford Little, a hard-hitting power-hungry midget whose tolerance for being short-changed and overlooked by “small-minded” people has reached its end.

Bufford becomes CEO through a fluke and soon creates an entire executive board of midgets who see eye-to-eye with him and share his desire to get even. Can Bufford and his cronies really destroy Disneyland and possibly the rest of the civilized world? Or can Steve Miller and his buddies stop them? Don’t miss this awesome new situational comedy with a funny cast of characters and exciting chases."

Perhaps title it 'Unfished Business'

"Why do we take an interest in certain periods of history?

Sometimes, to the extent that we actually buy books, models and collectables. Some call it a hobby or an interest.

We may be attracted to that genre or time in history because we may have actually lived during that time.

What if you could actually control and change historic events, whilst reliving a past life?

Imagine actually concealing treasures, for you to dig up later in the present. Archaeology with a difference, you know exactly where to look.

How about being able to kill Adolf Hitler and shorten WWII by years and actually making yourself a small fortune."

This was it...that's the whole query. No contact info. Nothing else. Just these shitty paragraphs. Please stab me in the neck now.

Epic, schmepic

"Take the heroism of Braveheart, the betrayal of Gladiator, and the passion of Cleopatra and combine it with the story of one woman who strikes fear into the heart of the Roman Empire.

Her ambition to conquer, her determination to avenge her husband the king, and her hatred toward the most powerful empire on the face of the earth leads her into a vicious war. What if she falls in love with the enemy? Would she give up everything for her love? Would it change the future of the two empires?"

Now take the box office results of Troy, the bad reviews for Alexander, and the disaster that will be the Crusades' movie and please leave the movie business forever.

The First Annual Query Letters Contest

Okay folks, you wanted it, you got it.

The First Annual Query Letters I Love contest will get under way shortly.

In the next few days, I will post up 5 different loglines that have appeared on this site. Your job - vote for the one you'd most like to see made into a short film. In about 10 days, I will announce the results of this first ever spectacular contest.

Readers XZ and Rillbrook have agreed to film the First and Second place contestants. So pat them on the back. Those videos will then be posted on this site for your viewing pleasure.

Oh boy oh boy, this is gonna be fun.

The contest will kick off on Wednesday. Wiiners to be determined the following Wednesday.

So stay tuned!

I couldn't make this up if I tried.

I have written a novel of 75,000 words. The genre is speculative fiction.

The protagonist takes his courses of action seriously, but he has a subtle humor about him that comes without his intentions. This also goes for one companion and a few other characters. Many characters that are not funny range from weird to hocking.

The protagonist's challenges throughout the story are:
1) A seagull attack gave him Seagull Herpes, an incurable disease that will soon kill him.
2) The seagull attack also tore a bone within his calf in two. His best medicines are herbs and acupuncture, so the bone never fully heals, and it causes internal bleeding for him to walk. The story involves him running a lot.
3) He has to save his continent from a thing that is destroying it. A corporation has been selling an additive in forms like cigarettes that is not a virus, drug, or nano-machine. Nobody knows what it is, but the smell causes addiction. Withdrawal is fatal. The protagonist has few people willing to help and most have died.


Background:
The year is 3126 and a cataclysm three centuries ago had caused a dark age. Whether this is good or bad is open to opinion. The setting is about frontiers and the unknown, not about the cataclysm. The corporation that caused the cataclysm intended world domination, but they split into six corporations that have feuded amongst each other. One of these six corporations makes the unknown additive that they put into products such as cigarettes. Most places are a wilderness and the wild animals left alive are farm animals and pony-sized dogs.