Wait... I feel as if this query has made me go back in time!
Logline: While exploring an inland sea, a Spanish galleon runs aground and is lost in the shifting sands that eventually become the southern California desert. Centuries latter, a father and son search for a modern day treasure hunter who has fractured time on his quest for the legendary treasure ship.
The daugher of a famous singer is an acquaintance and has been a great help. Two weeks after she read an early draft of my script, I received personal phone calls from both Arnold Swarzenegger and Steven Segal. They said they loved it and to stay by the phone. That was February 04, and since that time Arnold has become extremely busy. But there is still hope, as I have been watching his recent poll ratings. Steven called me from Hong Kong that same week, but with his New York Mafia troubles and his career taking a turn, he may not get back.
Synopsis: In 1612, Spain commissions a galleon to bring riches from the new world to an empire ravaged by plague and poverty. Seeking a safer route free of pirates and buccaneers, she enters a vast inland sea, and soon becomes trapped in what will eventually become the southern California desert.
posted by The Empress @ 10:01 AM
78 comments
78 Comments:
Try as I might, I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to fracture time.
vahcuyim: A common misspelling of 'vacuum', normally by spell-check-impaired query writers
So is the middle bit part of the story?
The cousin of the boyfriend of the mother of a famous reality TV contestant had Danny Bonaduce call me once, but I think it was a wrong number, and he was high, and I'm not sure it was really Danny, but he did tell me to stay on the phone until he got back, and waited for hours for him to come back on. He didn't even play decent hold music.
pylhv: Gallaxy sized hemmoroids in the shape of babies.
OH, and why the hell aren't these people killing Hitler.
I failed:
uhmwyooq: I failed.
Wasn’t some of this the premise of Sahara? Lost ship filled with gold buried in a desert.
I was reading through the archives and it seems time traveling queries are very popular here.
You know what they say, if you fracture time, you will have had seven years of bad luck.
eppit: a hairless Muppet.
I bet it was hard for his "friends" to hold back laughing when they made those prank phone calls.
Also, nice touch spelling both Schwarzenegger's and Seagal's names wrong. If you're going to name drop, drop correctly spelled names.
I also like how the logline tells me more about the story than the synopsis does.
bjjpqh: a movie star who read my script and really liked it.
The query writer was punk'd.
"But there is still hope, as I have been watching his recent poll ratings."
Brilliant! So, in favor of the script, we have a former actor-turned-governor on the decline and an over-the-hill former action star with mob troubles.
I fractured time once, took six weeks to heal.
Question 1: why is the synopsis only peripherally related to the logline?
I like that the writer has had good reviews from "Arnold Swarzenegger (sic)" and "Steven Segal (sic)". I too have good reviews of my work from Steven Speelberg, George Lookas, and Francis Ford Cupholder. Okay, I'll stop...I'm making myself (sic).
Those riches will certainly keep Crappy Writer in tin foil for years to come.
Something tells me the "daughter of the famous singer" and Crappy Writer met each other during a not so voluntary stay in the funny farm....
As a Californian, I was not aware one of our vast inland seas went missing sometime after 1612. Then again, I know next to nothing about technical physics.
elzupvu: Elzupvu may cause drowsiness and should not be taken while driving. Elzupvu has serious sexual side effects. Pregant women, women who are nursing or women who may become pregnant should not take Elzupvu. If you experience tingling in the arms or legs, stop taking Elzupvu and immediate begin writing crappy screenplays.
Pajiba: OK, the ape is nekkid, but I'm willing to bet Jackson didn't digitalize genitals. I've seen some of the previews and there ain't nothing dangling. Now can you give us something in the male gender a little less hairy, but equally nekkid, PLEASE! I've been to your site lots of times this week.
Why do you have to facture time at all? I mean, the ship is somewhere in the California desert- just go find it! Forget the Governator or "Fire Down Below", if Corey Haim called up to express interest, this project is a go!
Working Title: "Time Fracturer, Search for the Inland Sea"
This would make more sense if the modern day treasure hunter fractured his hip on his quest. Harrison Ford is about old enough for that sort of thing to start happening.
rdhrry: The Evelyn Wood's Speed Reading Harry Potter series.
If this writer has been staying by the phone since February '04, that might explain a lot.
mrhab: Maurice Richard.
I recently sprained time, and though it seems like a mild injury, time was still in a sling for several weeks. During that time I was unsuccessful in my attempts to kill Hitler and stop WWII, but I was able to give Nikita Khrushchev severe diarrhea and prevent the bombing of Cleveland (you can thank me later, Cleveland).
However, that story has nothing to do with this query, just as two washed-up action stars have nothing to do with this idiotic, derivative script.
Bweaves,
Sorry, the ape is my fault. I asked for a hairy 70's man and I got it.
Pajiba, thank you for not posting Matt Leblanc.
pibkpy: What happens when you demand too much from Pajiba. (A friend who's mother was friends with the grandfather of a girl who was cousin to someone who once shared an elevator with Parker Posey told me this.)
While we're on the subject of big hairy apes . . . How can I put this?
From the previews, it looks like King Kong, who I assume to be a boy gorilla, does not have a penis.
From the action sequences where he fights the dinos, I didn't notice any Kong sized dangly bits, and I was looking, cause, . . . well, cause I was looking.
Since he falls in love with a little blond Barbie doll, are we supposed to know he's in love just by the look in his eyes?
Wouldn't a Kong in love have an erection the size of the Empire State Building?
Am I the only one who cares enough about the special effects to demand that they be anatomically correct?
They didn't show the monkey's sex parts because...ya know...it would have been a drag.
Query writer: Arnie never makes the calls that people want these days.
And if I were a Spanish Capitano of a brigantine, strong and true, I would not enter a vast inland sea in the hope of fending off agravation from the local water-bound mujahideen.
That's just a non-starter. Tactically stupid.
It's like climbing up a cliff-top to avoid a posse, leaving you no way of escape other than to jump off into a boiling river below when you can't swim....
Hey that's quite good. Hang on, the phone's going..hi, Steve? Steve who? Oh THAT Steve. You kicked ass when you played that cook...thanks for calling back.
Pajina,
It's not a goat but I'll take it, a sincere thank you.
As for all the Kong shlong questions I find them very racist. It is a stereotype the Apes have large penises, can dance better and jump higher then none apes. I would expect the contributors of QLIL would have a little more class!
“This sweltering summer of the Ape's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Two thousand five is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Ape needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Ape is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.” -amen
Everyone knows California didn't lose its inland seas until the Great Drainage of 1973, which was somehow caused by Hitler. This in turn brought on the Great Galleon Rush of '74, when fortune seekers from around the world came to strip the California desert of its Spanish gold. The modern day treasure hunter is thirty years too late. Hence the need for the time fracturing. Somehow.
ilxtvby: New kelp-flavored frozen yogurt. Does not contain actual kelp.
I think the King Kong lacking in male bits is an excellent question. So much so that I posed it some of my coworkers. They backed away slowly and refused to look me in the eye. Hmmm.
garkuyck: The latest exercise craze: Gargling,karate and kayaking!
with solid year-and-a-half-old-'keep in touch, i love this script'-phone commitments and a reference from the daughter of a famous singer, i say 'let's roll'.
she's the daughter of a famous singer. not just some singer...he's famous. she's his daughter. she knows the writer. come on. dude. she knows him
I think the answer to the Kong question is an easy one: she's a lesbian. "Drag King Kong", perhaps.
BTW, if she's a vampire too, you're going to need a lot more tapioca.
If this was already made into a movie, could this be what Arnold and Steven were doing while this guy was on hold? Stealing his flick? Or perhaps that's what he'd like us to believe. So we don't think it sucks as much as it does.
acirm: The state of being flattered that a brother of an aquaintance's aunt's cleaning lady's bastard son who once licked Speelberg's office floor clean said that your film idea was stolen by a couple of washed-up actors.
bmurs: An attempt at alluding to the next in line that the smell emanating from the restroom you just departed was there before you entered it.
tnqwcc: A new way to spell Tonia. An apostrophe between the Q and W is extra inventive and earns you kudos from all the other parents at the baby gym.
COMING SUMMER 2006: TIME TAPERS!
In a world where a man who hunts treasure misses, only to hit time instead, who will pick up the pieces? From the director of Kill Hitler, Vol. 12 and the producer of The Chronicles of Marnia: The Lion, the Bitch, and Bruce Dern comes the tale of three men, sworn to repair the tapestry of time and space. They are THE TIME TAPERS!
Nksmlbqs: the Greek philosopher who said, "Life is a lot like getting mugged. You get your kicks, you take your punches, and when it's all over, someone else gets your cash."
Maybe Kong is a trany.
Oh, come on, y'all. Kong doesn't have a wee wee because he was played by a female ape. Remember Lassie? Throughout film history, females have been brought in to play the male parts in movies because the actual males are too busy peeing all over the set and humping everything in sight. Colin Farrell is pretty much living proof of this problem.
As for this query, before it was done as Sahara, it was done as The Goonies. Which I think makes the second Goonies rip-off we've seen this month. Go figure. Next we'll get a bunch of queries for Spacecamp: The Sequel.
FYI, when you fracture time, you should alternate heat and ice until the swelling goes down.
Shouldn't that be past and future?
Sally, that explains Kong's fascination with the Empire State Building.
maqycfgf: 1. An attempt at maneuvering around the Macy's make-up and perfume counters without getting sprayed or made up. 2. To commit a felonious act with a mascara wand while employed as the Macys Lancome lady. 3. The sound a deflating M&M might make during a Macy's Parade.
I guess if King Kong did have a wee wee there would be too much risk of collateral damage. Kong is doing a scene where he runs down the street. The wee wee is flapping back and forth then suddenly BAM! It takes out a sound truck injuring two.
Well, my main question is: If the query writer already has Seagal and Schwarzenegger giving them the thumbs up, why do they have to prostitute the script [and why didn't they atleast Google their names]?
oqbhj: Something Schwarzenegger said.
If Ahnold and Seagal personally called this guy, then I am a gigantic inland sea in Southern California. Hello, even Seagal probably has an assistant.
Also, since when is it a good thing that Ahnold or Seagal liked your script? Frankly, neither one could find a good script if bit them in their heavily-steroided asses. (Kindergarten Cop excluded, of course)
At 11:00 AM, Bargaintuan said...
"eppit: a hairless Muppet."
Congrats, Bargantuan, I think this is the first of the word verification 'meanings' that is actually at all amusing. Well done.
It helps to have one that's actually pronounceable.
vcnmy: unpronounceable.
OK guys, here's the scoop: I just called Arnold and his comment was: "Na, so ein Scheiß! Wo doch nicht einmal der Hitler umgebracht wird im depperten Drehbuch. Ohne mich!"
ototcyf: Arnie's mean Austrian lawyer about to sue crappy query writer (Meg, are you available?)
That is definitely a bizarre query.
If you want to read the actual script, go to:
http://www.writesafe.com/storage9/Desert_galleon_9_1.pdf
Apparently it was a finalist the 'Screenplay Festival' competition ...
Mac.
PS: Blogger killed the URL. It can't cope with text without whitespace that is wider than the column.
It was:
http://www.writesafe.com/storage9/ Desert_galleon_9_1.pdf
Mac
I think "the trick" is to keep refreshing the "leave your comment" screen until you can get one you can work with. You know, refreshing over and over for hours, again and again, the whole day disappearing, life passing you by, until you get one that you desperately hope will moderately amuse a bunch of strangers who could care less.
lalou - the French translation of Ed Asner's name
Mustang Sally: "Oh, come on, y'all. Kong doesn't have a wee wee because he was played by a female ape. Remember Lassie? Throughout film history, females have been brought in to play the male parts in movies because the actual males are too busy peeing all over the set and humping everything in sight. Colin Farrell is pretty much living proof of this problem."
I believe Lassie was supposed to be a bitch, but was played by multiple bastards instead. Although I love the Colon Feral example.
iccaan: A new religion that combines a bit from every religion except Christianity. Happy Kwasukahween!
As a friend pointed out to me: Maybe Kong's got a Barbie sized wang, and that's why you can't see it when he's fighting AND why he falls in love with her!
Perhaps when he sees her he thinks:
"at last, a woman who won't laugh at my bits!"
I mean, he lives on an Island full of giants! That's gotta suck in the locker-room!
But I thought about Sally's comment that Kong's really a girl gorilla, which means just one thing! GAY KONG. So the Barbie doll is Kong's beard.
Thanks for the link Mac. I couldn't resist seeing the actual text...from page one:
EXT. OCEAN - DARK NIGHT
I love how he clarifies that it's dark night, rather than light night, or worse, white night, which is almost the name of a terrible movie w/ Mikhail Baryshnikov.
This was a finalist in a competition? Who was doing the judging? Oh right...Arnold Swarzenegger, Steven Segal, Steven Speelberg, George Lookas, and Francis Ford Cupholder
A silverback gorilla's penis is an inch long, so it wouldn't be surprising if Kong's package were the same relative size as that of his smaller cousins.
Jay Ward gave us "Fractured Fairy Tales," so why not "fractured time" as well? Every morning you wake up, you find you're in a different time period.
Monday, it could be the Roaring Twenties. Tuesday, the Civil War. Wednesday, the Swingin' Sixties. Clothiers would become the world's wealthiest people. ("Sorry, but it's 1896 today, and there's no way in hell I'm going to work wearing a minidress!")
vgyiupj: A pajama company, owned by a guy named Viggy, near the campus of Indiana University. (Or is that Indiana University of Pennsylvania, popularly known as IUP?)
Lord knows I've dated some silverback gorillas in my time...
This is why I don't do screenplay contests. The number of diction, spelling and gramatcial errors in here could sink a spanish frigate.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sahara? Before Sahara was the movie
"The Ghost Ship" which came out in 2000, starring Jay Robinson.
(not to be confused with the horror movie "The Ghost Ship" which sailed into theaters a couple of years later")
Sahara was also a reworking
of the treasure ship in the desert legend. This story has been floating around california since about 1860.
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