Is it too easy for me to title this "The Iceman Cometh"? I guess not.
LOGLINE:
A ski resort mistakenly frees the prehistoric iceman from an icy tomb. The iceman begins a rampage of hunting, killing, and eating humans.
SYNOPSIS:
As the Ice Age begins, embracing the world in a shroud of ice, the iceman makes his terrifying entrance by beginning a rampage of hunting, killing, and eating cavemen. The cavemen decide that the iceman must be stopped and they decide to bury him in a remote cave. While waiting for an ice storm to pass, the iceman devours the cavemen, but subsequently discovers that the ice storm has entombed him. The only record of the iceman is a cave drawing, residing with the entombed iceman.
In present day, a ski resort is being built on a picturesque mountain slope. Construction workers open the remote cave and unknowingly release the iceman from his icy tomb, with the iceman beginning a new reign of terror.
A budding Anthropologist discovers that the teeth marks on the bones of cavemen match the teeth marks on recent victims. He deciphers the cave drawing and tries to warn people that the iceman is responsible for the recent killings.
His father is the resort developer, who fights to finish the ski resort, while dismissing the existence of the iceman.
The Anthropologist enlists the support of a crusty old tracker, the local Sheriff, and a Forest Ranger in hunting down the iceman. Using the Anthropologist as bait, the iceman is lured into a trap. In a suspenseful moment the iceman is frozen using the ski resort's snow-making machines. The world is safe.
The developer turns the iceman into an exhibit at the grand opening of the ski resort. As everyone is basking in the spotlight of having stopped the iceman forever, the ice holding the iceman captive starts to melt.
posted by The Empress @ 10:40 AM
45 comments
45 Comments:
Flash freeze with a snow machine?!?!?!?!?!?!?! All those skiers better be careful on the slopes.
"A crusty old tracker"? See, that's what happens when you don't put your trackers in Ziploc bags. No wonder the iceman didn't want to eat him.
Yes, anthropologists are much tastier. I admire the fact that this writer has already planned the sequel to this abortion. I mean, good Lord! However on earth will they refreeze him?
svupabb: Something sprinkled on anthropologists to make them even tastier, if you think that's possible.
i'll buy it. perfect for the sci-fi channel to run at 3am. freaking perfect
you know. one time i mistakenly released this vampire - oh, man what a world of hurt that was. and, this other time, i let a werewolf out of his cage by 'accident' -- dude, i caught holy hell for that. just last week i forgot to lock the door on the mummy's cage - he got out and messed up a lot of stuff and killed some people (he didn't even know them) -- my boss yelled at me for five minutes, until i started to cry. that was a really bad day. oh, man i keep flubbing things up. right now i'm in charge of keeping an eye on the swamp creature and this t-rex we got. my boss said that if i lose either one of these two he will 'rip me a new one'. and, i believe him, too. he's really mad at me. oh, my god!!!!! i turn my back for a second to write this post on this site and the t-rex got away. i must have left the door open. oh, man is my boss going to be mad. oh, my god!!!!! the swamp creature isn't in his cage (i should never have given him the keys to his cell - never! how could i have trusted a swamp creature? he swore he would not try to escape. swore!)
well, i better put all my junk in a box and clear out my desk. i'm going to be fired from my job as lead monster keeper. i might as well face it - there's no getting around that fact, i'm just not to be trusted with these horrible monsters. this was a good job, too. oh, man i'm going to miss being in charge of all these monsters. oh, man!!!! here comes my boss!!! goodbye
Honestly, has NO ONE heard of the word "Kill"? It's in the dictionary, right?
Then again, we now have a script perfect for SCOOBY DOO VXII: The ICEMAN COMETH...BACK.
udfza: the sound an iceman makes after falling for the "go ahead, stick your tongue on the pole" trick.
Um, wouldn't the crusty old tracker, the sheriff or the ranger have a gun? Wouldn't that be more effective than a snow machine?
Why didn't the cavemen just kill the iceman? Is he spear proof or something?
How does an anthropologist, even a budding and randomly capitalized one, get access to murder victims? "Quick! This man's been killed, call an anthropologist!"
Am I the only one who flashbacked to that Scooby Doo episode?
In my defense, I must have been writing my post when shelley123 beat me to those jokes.
I do smell an Oscar, but I have a few questions:
1. Is the iceman an iceman before he becomes an iceman encased in ice, or is he a lowly cave dweller until he's encased in the ice and therefore eating his peers?
2. Did the cavemen hold a meeting to decide the iceman needed to be stopped, or did they just add it to the agenda of a meeting they were already calling in regards to folks not adhering to the rules about what is or isn't allowed at the entrance to their caves? Did the vote have to be unanimous? Did they hold a separate meeting to decide upon the proper disposal method for the iceman? Which idiot seconded the motion to wait for the ice storm to pass?
3. Was the only record of the iceman really just a cave drawing, or did he have a library card or a drivers license in his back pocket as well?
4. Are there any picturesque mountain slopes left without resorts built on them?
5. How did the construction workers open the remote cave without a key? Because surely the key was in the iceman's back pocket along with his proper ID. How did they get past security? Nobody gets past security.
6. If these construction workers actually got past security (highly unbelievable) and unknowingly (?) released the iceman from his icy tomb, how exactly does he begin a new reign of terror? Tombs contain dead icemen. Surely someone at city hall would have caught on to this and typed up a death certificate, using the info from his license and/or library card. Once he received that in the mail, the reign of terror would be over.
7. Wouldn't the cold case detectives be handling any old homicides like these? They may hire an anthropologist (and not a budding one unless he's ridiculously cute) to decipher the written confession on the cave wall and to dig up the really old bones, but even then he'd have to turn the bones over to Michael Bader M.E. for a forensic work-up. Bader would be the one to make the match and turn it into a HBO special. Also, the cold case folks, in conjunction with the tepid to scalding hot case folks, would do an official press release to warn avid skiiers about this new danger on the slopes.
8. Why use the adorable anthropologist merely as bait when you can create a tension-filled romance between the dashing anthropologist and the forbidden fruit--the unstable iceman who comes from humble beginnings and has a few faults? This might actually make that whole snow machine deep-freeze suspenseful. And tragic. Doubly so when the developer decides to rub his son's nose in it by putting his True Love on display as if he were some sort of monster or something. This would lead beautifully into either a sequel or a double surprise twist ending when the spotlight everyone is basking in begins to melt the iceman and the dapper anthropologist has to decide between turning down the thermostat or allowing his True Love to defrost just long enough for one final embrace before he is whisked off to face murder charges.
idngmtlh: Icemanspeak for "I think you're adorable and I want to take little bites out of you if you would be so kind as to allow me."
I think this could work...if Denise Richards plays the Anthropologist, Angelina Jolie is the Forest Ranger, Brad Pitt is the Sheriff and Robert Redford is the crusty ol' tracker. hmmm...maybe I should cut back on the 3 martini lunches.
ikfcwa: Iceman Kills Forgotten Cavemen from Western America!
I think I've got it. Reread the query, but envision Val Kilmer from "Top Gun" as Iceman. MUCH better, especially the parts where he eats people.
Taffy, damn you for beating me to the cold case joke.
I think old trackers are best when they're a little crusty on the outside and chewy on the inside.
mtieyfc: Caveman drawing translated: We're mighty fucked.
To Ms. Doublewide - I hope you don't mind, but I quoted you in a recent movie review we did over at Pajiba. One of your incoherent words (and I love them all, Query Folks) amused me to no end, and I simply had to make use of it.
Yours,
Pajiba
Taffy, can I have your autograph?
yakvxf: It's too easy, isn't it?
I'm not an anthropologist, budding or otherwise, so I guess that's why I'm confused by the whole iceman/caveman divergence on the evolutionary chain. Did that occur before or after the Neanderthal/Cro magnon split?
Ironically, I would have thought that the iceman would have had the evolutionary advantage during the ice age, seeing as how, well, he was an iceman. But apparently those icemen were total wankers.
As for the modern day Scooby Doo gang...was I the only one who thought it was odd that none of them are women? In fact, every flippin character in this thing is male: iceMAN, caveMEN, the anthropologist, his father, Crusty the Tracker, et. al. How can you sell a horror script that lacks random sex?
Unless this is a Brokeback Mountain for the slasher genre. In which case, cast Jake "The Torso" Gyllenhaal as the anthropologist, and I'll go see it.
...and then, they showed Mr. Icey an episode of Taradise and he vomited, turned and raced back into his frigid, stinky cave. Fini.
wdfokcjw: the hardest verification EV-A. How to say come to my stinky, icey, hair cave and let me make sweet Neanderthal love to you in Icemandic.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Taffy - Your point about a romance between the Iceman (hard-nosed, bitter, world-weary, hungry) and the Anthropologist (shy, bookish, gagging for it) has some legs...I see it in the same mould as the Han Solo carboniting scene, in 'Empire Strikes Back', especially when Chewbacca throws back his head and honks in sexual frustration.
I also like the melting ice at the party: it reminds me of the end of 'Taxi Driver', when Betsy gets out of Travis's cab, he drives off and it looks like he's resolved his demons; only for Scorsese to twist it at the end with that flash in Travis's rear-view mirror, and to have Herrman's score parp a little free-jazz squawk. All is not well...oh no.
Or it's like the phone call from Lector to Clarice...
This one has legs. It's Taxi Driver meets Silence of the Lambs meets Dirty Dancing.
This has to be greened. It's genius.
cevapi - a Croatian sausage (really!!)
I saw this query on "South Park" just last night, also, I`m sure "The Simpsons" did it already.
In answer to a question, what diferentiates the Iceman from a mere caveman is that he is made of Ice ; )
2. Did the cavemen hold a meeting to decide the iceman needed to be stopped, or did they just add it to the agenda of a meeting they were already calling in regards to folks not adhering to the rules about what is or isn't allowed at the entrance to their caves?
Well, Taffy, if it was some sort of prehistoric caveowners association meeting, clearly, death by cannibalism was preferable to listening to the asshole who always digs out Roberts Rules of Order.
This whole script could so work if they'd just replace "ice man" with "ice cream man." Tell me THAT wouldn't be creepy.
oliolts: prehistoric popsicles.
Pajiba, I am truly, deeply, unashamedly honored.
Meg, I just signed an autograph for myself. But since it's mainly a squiggle like the rest of my handwriting, it shouldn't be long before I'm able to sign another one.
ybsxu: The very wrong practice of eating teething biscuits in bed after having sex.
lykwkx: Something that leads up to eating teething biscuits in bed.
ICE
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: frozen water
Synonyms: chunk, clamper, clumpet, crystal, cube ice, diamonds, dry ice, floe, glacier, glare crust, glare ice, glaze, glitter, hail, hailstone, ice cube, iceberg, icicle, permafrost, sleet
Your Thesaurus: love it, learn it, live it.
I don't understand -- how do you stop an iceman with ice? Wouldn't he be right in his element? It's like stopping a swamp monster with swamp, or Superman with -- um... super.
"The only record of the iceman is a cave drawing, residing with the entombed iceman. "
I'm not a budding Anthropologist so I may be wrong here, but wouldn't the entombed iceman be a record of the existence of the iceman?
"hlycwyj" - A string of random letters that has no actual meaning.
Words like clumpet are the reason I love my thesaurus. The Clumpetman Cometh.
pxearruv: What happens to pears when they're skiied over.
hincemby: The type of pie one would make after gathering pxearruvs off the slope in a time-honored family tradition.
ICE: Frozen Water
MAN: Male Human
IceMan: Frozen Male Human
Since we human peeps are supposedly made up of 97 percent water, and since we know for a fact that such creatures as Lesbian Vampires are real, and the fact that while some found the Porno movie "Bimbo Bowlers From Buffalo" sexually arousing, it was also hilarious, therefore, by using such irrefutable logic I can only conclude that the Iceman is real and just waiting for the chance to cannabalize some of you.
(Not me though, I have a Model 500 Smith & Wesson and a bullet from that .50 cal. Hogleg will stop even the Mighty Iceman)
My Thesaurus: Maybe I`ll buy one someday
Joatmoaf, I think with a bullet that size, all you have to do is throw it. You'll get the same effect without losing your hearing.
smenita: 1. A Spanish pre-op transexual's sperm 2. The medical term for what happens when one person throws a large bullet at another's genitals.
A budding Anthropologist ....
I didn't know that Anthropologists reproduced asexually; but now that I come to think of it, this really does explain quite a lot.
ernkis... what Bert gives his roomate after Big Bird goes home.
"This whole script could so work if they'd just replace "ice man" with "ice cream man." Tell me THAT wouldn't be creepy."
Sialonde, great idea. Let me just add to it. Wasn't there an old Van Halen song called "Ice Cream Man?" So what if we got DAVID LEE ROTH! to play the ice cream man??? You know, he'd be strolling through the mountains, battling evil and singing those old time catchy pop tunes ("I'm your ice cream man baby, stop me when I'm passin' by
See now all my flavors are guaranteed to satisfy..."). Then, at the end, he'd meet up with Sammy Hager and they'd go off to beat the stuffing out of Eddie Halen and company.
Just an idea. Tell me what you think...
Er..... why couldn't they finish the resort? And, why would they FREEZE him? Can't he be killed? I assume he's not human, well, I guess. Or, he is and eating all those brains gave him the human equivelant of Mad Cow Disease.
xepskij: The sound of the Iceman, followed by the Crusty Old Tracker, and The Hunky Anthropologist and they roll down the hill inside a huge snowball.
ixetoon: animated version of the entombed cave drawing, portraying the iceman devouring cavemen while whistling a jaunty tune (ideal for for both birthday and break-up ecards)
"The cavemen decide that the iceman must be stopped and they decide to bury him in a remote cave. While waiting for an ice storm to pass, the iceman devours the cavemen, but subsequently discovers that the ice storm has entombed him. "
OK, this has to be the SLOWEST action sequence in the history of film. They try to BURY him, but he EATS them first, because they're waiting for an ice storm to PASS? So, he's still alive when they try to bury him VERY SLOWLY (given the amount of time it takes an ice cube to freeze in my freezer). And he eats them very slowly, because he's entirely iced in.
Then later, they refreeze him with a snow machine? Methinks this writer has never seen snow or ice. Was the postmark from Florida?
zvflroo: Florida kangaroos who have never seen snow.
WOOHOO! I found the Taffy / Pajiba quote:
For the unfamiliar, Aeon Flux is based on a mid-1990s MTV anime that aired sometime around 2 a.m., when most people are either too tired or too stoned to change the channel; if you were high enough, the cartoon might have even provided a modicum of entertainment value. No such luck, unfortunately, for the 2005 movie adaptation, which successfully blends illogicality, nonsensicalness, and Charlize Theron’s bare tummy into what the Query Letters’ folks might call cinematic ivmlod, which is “what happens when you put M&Ms in your feeding tube.”
Taffy, you're famous!!!! I hope you've trademarked ivmlod, because it's sure to become the next "You're fired" or "That's hot".
bqgoxup: The mold that grows on a crusty old tracker.
Ya know, I can just see this being made into a film. Leonardo diCaprio in the title role, he'll freeze convincingly, he's done the 'scared of ice' thing before. It'll need a little adjustment, but given what they've done to Jane Austen, what's new?
Why would the Cavemen Waste time Doing wall-paintings, if they were being slowly devoured? was it take a ticket system or something?
For some reason, the logline caught my attention. Because new monsters are always neat I guess.
Then I read the synopsis...
Maybe instead of David Lee Roth being the bad guy, he could be the Ice Cream Man hero who kills Ice Man, by impaling him with sharp ice cream cones (not the kind with the blunt ends, those merely stun the creature.) He could also have a bunch of other cool weapons in his ice cream truck. "Hey Ice-Monster, what would you do for a Klondike Bar!?!?"
Maybe we can work in Arnold Schwarznegger too (frozen penishead guy from Batman.) Heck, how about the original IceMan, Val Kilmer?
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