Evil Fairies from Beyond the Grave!!!
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen:
Our gal had always been a strange sister, so when a fairy met our gal's fairy godmother for the upcoming ball, she didn't think much of it. Sure, the fairy godmother was mean and drank scotch, but then again, the lead was a personal injury lawyer, so allowances had to be made about her mental stability.
After refusing to go the ball and disgust the prince with her appearance, the first fairy wakes to find her roommate dead and the lawyer still thirsty for blood. With the first strike of midnight, she's gone and the fairy's bleeding. Kill or be killed, the ghosts finally convince her. Armed with only her shoes, the fairy has to survive the ball, ignore the prince, and kill her sister to stay alive.
Nicer than the ghosts in The Sixth Sense, more honest than Cinderella, and bloody as Scream's little sister, my script is a fairy tale willing to bleed its way to the ball.
posted by The Empress @ 9:59 AM
66 comments
66 Comments:
Can anyone tell me what the hell is going on in this query? It does have a great line though "a fairy tale willing to bleed its way to the ball."
Hm, stupid as it may be, it does sound familiar. Could swear there were a similiar query on this site before.
Bingo
I wonder, after beeing rejected, do they just wait and then later re-send their lousy queries?! Maybe i'm naive.
Well, back then "our gal" at least got a name.
tpytuf: our alcoholic fairy grandmothers last word before passing out.
Not only does this query not get made, it doesn't even pass the Turing test.
mfrur: wasn't that Steve Martin in "The Man With Two Brains"?
Fairies need roommates? OH, it's THAT kind of fairy. And THAT kind of roommate.
I know acceptable villain stereotypes are in short supply these days, but please, can we lay off the personal injury lawyers? It's just not cute anymore.
npipnn: Where the pervy hobbit wanted to be.
Synopsis of the synopsis:
CHARACTERS
Our Gal -- main character, as referenced in 2nd sentence. Also, a personal injury lawyer (who is--as all other personal injury lawyers are, apparently--mentally unstable).
Fairy (general) -- ?
OG's Fairy Godmother -- as stated. Character traits: mean, drinks scotch. Not much of a FG if you ask me.
PLOT (I use the term loosely):
OG doesn't want to go to the ball. Apparently, our querier thinks she's a disgusting person, which will probably not be relevant, unless the writer IS a character in this shit-ass story.
But it seems as though the first fairy--whoever that is--finds her roommate dead. Who is her roommate? Will we ever know? Maybe not.
But what we do know is OG is thristy for blood. So, in addition to being mentally unstable, OG may be a VAMPIRE! Cool. Now we have some interesting developments.
At midnight, OG leaves to go...where? I guess it doesn't matter. But the fairy's bleeding! I guess that's the first fairy, since the roommate is dead?
THEN, the GHOSTS (who are nicer than the Sixth Sense ghosts, by the way...although *SPOILER ALERT!* I thought Bruce Willis was perfectly nice) convincer her. Whew. But wait. Who do they convince? And what does SHE need convincing about?
I guess it doesn't matter.
Anyway, the naked fairy (armed only with her shoes) has to survive the ball. NAKED FAIRIES...YES! T&A! She also has to ignore the prince, who I assume will be completely drooling over a hot, bloody fairy in fuck-me pumps...not an easy task.
Oh, yes, and then she has to kill her sister. Who is who, now?
Are we clear? Great! Let's get to principal photography...stat!
yeboy: an olde english boy.
I met Scream's little sister once, she was so nice!
So Our Gal is a strange sister, the fairy has a sister she must kill, and Scream's sister is bloodier...? Sounds like a movie about PMS. Change the fairy to man and it could be Brokeback Mountain 2, Fairies and Princes at the 'Ball'.
Bad: not using any names in your query.
Worse: using "our guy" and/or "our guy" in place of names.
Worst: calling your protagonist a "strange sister".
Also, I don't remember Cinderella being a liar.
Also, it was Hfuhruhurr in The Man With Two Brains.
Arthur, you're absolutely right. It's the same thing! But I can't figure out which is worse......Hatchet Fairies named Lore and Bitty (allegorical, of course) or no names at all. It does astound, these query writers and their trickery.
zzzshl: Sally sleeping instead of selling seashells by the seashore.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
FINALLY, someone has found the long lost "Magda Goebbels Book of Bedtime Stories"! Historians rejoice.
The wife says she wonders how Sylvia Plath got cast as the Fairy Godmother.
velzum : Velzum may cause constipation, halucinations, sexual disfunction, blindness, deafness, and suprise spontaneous bladder and bowel release. Velzum should not be taken by men, women, women who are nursing or women who may become pregnant, or for that matter by men want to become pregnant (this last is limited to Massachusets, Vermont,and parts of Northern California, and caracters on Nip/Tuck). Members of the Phylum Chordata should not take Velzum. Children under the age of 12 should not take velzum. Velzum has not been studied in animals because our lawyers are afraid of PETA. We aren't really sure what this stuff does, but the ads are pretty and we're betting you're stupid enough to spend big money on any pill/cream/or herbal medication that claims you will loose weight and doesn't require you actually start exercising. By the time the FDA gets around to looking at the clinical data we will all be in Guatemala with false papers living off our numbered Swiss accounts anyway, so what do we care?
Sorry about that.
Took me a couple of tries to get the spelling of "Magda Goebbels" right. "Magda Gobbles" sounds like an eastern-European porn flick, and that changes the joke entirely.
exozp - 1) HOT NEW ACTION FIGURE TEAM!!
2) Postal Code used to deliver mail to spirit deamons.
WHAT?!! WHO the HELL is the leading role in this? And the fairies and ghosts got me too. I read it three times and I'm so confused. Maybe my brain is bleeding.
omgllg: Oh My Gosh Little Lover is Gone.
I think.
what to say about this one? read a stack of literature and call me in ten years or when you turn 24, which ever comes first
What the? Who the hey?
I'M SO CONFUSED.
OK, I just read Arthur Dent's link, and it makes a babelfish's more sense with names for the characters like Bitty and Lore.
I can't believe the query writer "rewrote it" and actually made it WORSE by only removing the names.
I think this story only works if Kirsti Alley plays all the parts.
ugvwmlpb: Ugly women in the Pajiba ad. Keep posting male cheesecake, please.
Larry your "Magda Gobbles" had me rolling. Well done! ;P
In a strange way I almost miss the spammers.
I always thought that queries had to present themselves in the readers mind in the same form as the spoken words of a trailer.
So I'm having a little difficulty imagining that gravelly-voiced dude utter the lines
"Nicer than the ghosts in The Sixth Sense"
"More honest than Cinderella"
"And bloody as Scream's little sister"
But the line
"a fairy tale willing to bleed its way to the ball."
is pretty good.
I 'm just confused about the rest of it.
OK, let me try:
"In a world where fairies are real . . ."
Sorry, I got nothing.
zskyg: Where the leprechauns keep the treasure from the Knights Templar.
Hi,
I'm sorry for being intrusive in to your blog. But I am Bitty and I am a mother of two that is just trying to get out of an incredible financial debt. See my sister the lawyer fairy killed my roommate and now I can't afford my rent. I've had to sell everything except my glass slippers, which are damn impracticle for wearing to a ball to kill a lesbian fairy vampire.
Why didn't I go to the ball like she wanted? I ask myown self that everry day.
I'm not asking for your pitty because we got our ownselfs into this mess but we would love you and thank you in our prayers if you would just keep this link on your blog for others to view.
God Bless You.
ejsvth - a sharpner used primarily to sharpen fairy hatchets.
BWeaves: have you ever seen Janeane Garofalo's impression of every movie trailer ever made?
"(gravelly voice) 'In a world...' and then Tommy Lee Jones does something."
Nice catch, Arthur Dent. I thought this looked vaguely familiar, but I was too lazy to go trolling the archives. And as an aside, I thought about using Trillian as my screen name, but in cyber space, there are a million Trillians already.
That has no bearing on anything whatsoever. I just love the alliteration of "a million Trillians."
Oh, and Larry, remind your wife that we aren't allowed to make jokes about Slvia Plath anymore. She has been elevated to Feminist Sainthood and is off limits. And Ted Hughes is required to be villified at every opportunity for having destroyed the literary genius of Sylvia. Somehow, sticking your head in the oven cuz your hubbie is mean is actaully a courageous act of artistic purity, not craven cowardice or mental illness.
I don't fully understand why, but the lesbians at the feminist bookstore, where I sometimes Jello wrestle for charity, swear that it's so.
Thanks, Mr. Dent. Now I don't have to spend the whole weekend trying to figure out this query. I'll only need half that time to figure out the query with Lore and Bitty in it, but I'll at least have a good laugh over Bitty because that name reminds me of a Little Britain skit.
vuxzjum: A form of execution used on writers who use the phrase "our gal." It involves jumpsuits, trains, chainsaws, bubblegum, Vulcans, and bees.
Magda Goebbels jokes good, Slvia Plath joke ungood, almost thoughtcrime.
Tell MiniTruth I'm plus sorry.
I promise no more Sylvia Plath jokes. I love Sylvia Plath. In fact I wish all feminist writers could be JUST LIKE HER!!!
(Yes, I did read Christina Hoff Summers, and Myrna Blyth.)
glmnmyfg- Small and obscure but very glam town in South East Wales.
"And bloody as Scream's little sister"
Am I the only one who thinks there is a "Carrie" joke in here somewhere?
eypodfl - Guatemalian knock off of the latest digital music player.
What's it called? Attack of the Fairies?
How can you write two (mostly) different queries, I can read both of them, and still have absolutely no effing clue as to what the script's about? HOW CAN YOU BE THAT BAD OF A WRITER.
Ah, now I feel better with that out of my system.
Does anyone else think that the Jake Gyllenhaal Pajiba ad is scary? He looks all heroin-y in that picture. Can't we compromise with like just hot people screwing or something? Best of both worlds? I nominate Brangelina, because really, gay or straight, man or woman, we'd all hit that.
I knew I recognised this "story" from somewhere. My eyes bled as much then as they did this time. And I don't think I'll be able to explain the damage to my keyboard as beeing caused by an "unexpected ketchup mishap." Goddamnd queries, I'm going to have to pay for this one.
Oh, and sorry to be a pedant but refering to previous query, leprechauns are from Ireland not Scotland.
fcfqw: Way too rude for me to type (on my blood soked keyboard)
kmmitz: Kermit the Frog, Isreali style.
sahve: Very nice satire! (Hint, you have to click on Arthur Dent's bingo link.)
-j: Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking of, but somehow Tommy Lee Jones just doesn't fit in this query.
avybewa: Ave Maria for the Flying Spaghetti Monster sect.
Horror story huh?
Alien Vs Predator is a cinematic Masterpiece.
No dialog (or very little), no plot, no drama, just pure un-adulterated monster violence.
I axe you, what`s not to like about that?
But wait, here`s a better one (plagerized sorta kinda).
Attack Of The Living Document
Night. CONSTITUTION escapes from display case in Library of Congress. Seen lurking in alleyway off of Mass Ave. Shadows. Attacks and eats Cato Institute INTERN.
Day. The NATIONAL GUARD attempt to capture the Constitution on the Mall. Suddenly, ARTICLE III is invoked in a novel way. The GUARDSMEN find themselves guilty of treason and are forced to arrest themselves.
Morning. Quiet alley. Constitution hides in a dumpster. We hear it interpreting itself in a high-pitched chatter. BABY AMENDMENTS push up the dumpster lid and escape into the city.
A home office. A MAN sits at a computer. The Constitution moves stealthily behind him, past a banner on the wall reading ‘Proud to be a Resident Scholar at the AEI.’ He hears a noise behind him, turns and brandishes a gun. The Constitution quickly reinterprets the SECOND AMENDMENT and the gun disappears. The Man looks at his hand in horror, and then up at the advancing AMENDMENT. Fade Out.
Day. Golf Course. The EIGHTH AMENDMENT appears from the heavy rough and devours Justice SCALIA from the legs up. Vice President CHENEY putts to save par, makes some adjustments to Scalia’s scorecard, and smiles quietly to himself.
Article HERE
The question is, who gets to play the part of the Document?
Well, maybe someone cardboard, like a dead actor or Keanu Reeves.
cviixpw: An amendment so powerful, one could wipe one's ass with it and it will still smell like that scorecard.
WTF? A lot of mysterious bleeding. Is this a query for a Tampax commercial?
Joatmoaf, either Kevin Spacey or Kevin Kline. Possibly Kevin Costner.
Whatever but his name must be Kevin.
shcbx: What an Xbox360 calls itself when it crashes.
Can anyone tell me what the hell is going on in this query? It does have a great line though "a fairy tale willing to bleed its way to the ball."
"Omigod, watch out! She's menstruating!"
cvfofwx: A popular hot breakfast cereal on several alien planets, similar in texture to our Cream of Wheat.
The sad thing is if Reese Witherspoon wanted to do this six studios would fall all over themselves to make it.
Ken Levine
Kenlevine.blogspot.com
You know...I got to thinkin' that it`s not the evil fairies that we have to worry about.
Think about it (but don`t get a headache like I did). When has anything really turned out good after fairies have stirred things up?
And they`re always claiming to be "good" fairies like that`s supposed to prove something.
What? Fairies can`t lie? Fairies ain`t Vulcans even though they look similar.
Consider the Tooth Fairy, bloodthirsty Biotch that she is.
If she was really a good fairy she`d just give kids money instead of having them painfully yank their teeth out every time they needed money for a new Gameboy.
I think this person tried this once before.
http://queryletters.blogspot.com/2004/10/queries-like-this-make-me-so-happy.html
I like to look at artistic photos of people, especially at their smiling faces. If you have some free time go to http://photo-personals-search.com for personal ads and rate pictures of singles from your neighborhood.
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