Not my cup of tea
I'd like to show you if I may an available action thriller feature spec:
An American Professor and his beautiful companion race across the world, one step ahead of assassins, in search of a Native
American boy who is the key to an ancient legend involving the Old Testament's Tree of Life. (Indiana Jones meets the English Patient.)
Would you like to get a copy at the above address and if so, to whose attention would you like it addressed?
posted by The Empress @ 12:13 AM
66 comments
66 Comments:
In a world where the Tree of Life makes assassins irrelevant. . . . . the No Child Left Behind Act still keeps a Native American boy in danger.
Hey good morning guys!
It's almost Thanksgiving where I live in the US and that means a lot of good food and stuff.
My guild is running a special Pilgrim Quest RPG module. After we get full of food Mom brings downstairs to us we pretty much RPG all of Thanksgiving as Pilgrims and stuff and it owns. Last year we played as Indians and that was pretty cool also but you have to use arrows and chants as weapons and this year since we are the pilgrims are characters will have blunderbusts and other ancient xtreme weapons that Pilgrims had. We are going to be trying to hunt down a level 5 demon turkey and see if we can kill it.
The above query strikes me as a little slow moving even though it seems real original. I like some of the ideas but I thought it would be sweet to inject some out of the box ideas into it so that it would move along a little better and have a more realistic story to it.
The character of the professor should be changed. Professors are cool and seem to work in horror movies or adult movies but in action thrillers it's real hit or miss. Richard Chamberlain in King Solomon's Mines owned but that is mainly because he is a very masculine man. Richard Chamberlain is the kind of guy that would know how to have a great night on the town with the boys and stuff. He isn't the typical professor that you can't see romancing Sharon Stones.
I would therefore change the lead role from a professor to an ex-basket ball player who stumbles into this adventure. It would be important to get a basketball player who could act so I would go after Shaquel O'neil. He has done some cool movies and also can rap and stuff and this might mean a musical number at the end of the film in the 4th act.
It would also have to be believable that he could communicate with a Native American and Shaq could pull off speaking in there native tongue, he does interviews all the time so he is a good speaker like President Bush.
The female lead could go to any girl that was real hot and could give the impression that she was scared and also look good running. Tori Spelling would be awesome in this role.
The thing that would make or break this movie is the combat scenes with the assassins as they would ty to kill Shaq's and the young boy. To often people shy away from Ninjas, about my favorite assassins in the world, because so many people have done Ninjas. Since it's winter time I would use "Snow Ninjas" to be the
assassins and stuff. That way they could be camouflaged in snow and in snow men and on roofs or whatever and you could never see them. I would have them in all white Ninja suits unlike the traditional black ones you tend to see them in most of the time.
The movie would build to a climatic battle at a Rap Show.
Shaq would be rapping in Native American trying to channel the secret to the Tree of Life, as he is encouraged by the young Native American to "Spit Much Fire."
Just as Shaq tosses the Mic to the young Native American Boy the Snow Ninjas bum rush the stage and Shaq starts doing some real sweet Kung Fu on them and stuff. The Snow Ninjas are getting the bidness but there are so many Shaq calls on Tori Spelling to help. She would also know Kung Fu. She would help Shaq hold the Snow Ninjas at bay while the young Native American boy would communicate the Lesson of the Tree of Life through rap music....
Native American Boy:"
Snow Ninjas in the front row,
roaches in the back
Shaq's beating them down with a baseball bat
I tried to get away,
but I couldn't’t get far
Snow Ninjas trying to stop this Apache SuperStar
All the kids smoke reefer,
I think it’d be Cheaper
If I just got a job,
learned to be a street sweeper
A child was born,
with no state of mind
Blind to the ways of mankind
God is smiling on you but he’s frowning too
The Tree of Life is Big G's sacred fruit.
Some call it trees,
Some call it weeds,
I can tell you right now,
It's best when it's free."
After the Rap Show the crowd would disperse after hearing the message and would try to live better lives and stuff through the teachings of the young Apache boy.
Shaq's character would propose to Tori Spelling's character and that's pretty much it.
I know I'm dinging myself here, but I'm married to an American Professor and know a lot more of his co-irkers, and none of them have beautiful companions.
Who are the assassins chasing?
Are the assassins searching for the Native American boy?
And why is he across the world if they're all Americans?
I'm still trying to figure out the link between Native American and Old Testament, and I just can't see one unless the Native American boy has a Jewish mother.
Favorite line (read in the voice of the narrator of the Rocky Horror Picture Show): "I'd like . . . to show you . . . if I may . . . (your neck?) . . . an available . . . action thriller feature spec."
So, are they all literally one step ahead of assasins? If so, are the assasins flippered and therefore can't reach out far enough to assasinate them?
BC, I was seeing Mike Tyson in the lead with Whitney Houston as his dazzling sidekick, but your way is better, as Mike would need subtitles due to the muzzle. Dakota Fanning could play the Native American boy. I enjoyed your rap immensely. It reminded me of Grandmaster Flash. I hope you can get out of your Xtreme pilgrim suit okay. Did your Mom sew in elastic side panels?
PS: You write exactly like TC Boyle. It must be the Wellville connection.
Bweaves, my kid wants to be an American Professor. He's definitely doing it for the Ladies.
zbowvv: (Too easy) The sound of an Xtreme pilgram bow dispatching a flippered assasin.
Assassin. I have a mental block.
Taffy: My American Professor Hubby was a virgin until almost 40.
Doing it for the ladies? Encourage him.
Screw the original query -- let's just go with BC Phil's. I'd see that in a heartbeat.
I can just hear Gary Glitter currently explaining to the Vietnamese authorities ... "Really officers, this child holds the key to an ancient Biblical secret..."
(sorry to the US contingent who've probably never heard of him)
I see Ben Affleck as Prof Iowa Smith and Kate Beckinsdale as the beautiful side kick Nebraska Brown, with Madonna as the side kick's Jewish mother Montana along for the ride to an Indian Casino where the Native American boy is hiding. Still can't get past Dakota Fanning as the NA boy - a role she was born for. She could be sitting under the plastic palm tree singing 'Let's have a luau!' when they walk in.
That way you can have lots of sassy back chat.
Surely time for the material girl to move from siren to character roles.
they travel all across the world - Iowa refuses to ask anyone for directions till they get to the southern tip of Australia and Kate leans over and turns the map the right way up.
"Listen to the man he's a Professor, are you married Iowa?"
I would put the casino in Inuit territory so that we can get the snow ninjas in, and poke fun at the quaint Canadian accents, eh? Have a show down during the hoedown at the seal clubbing ball so that there will be high jinxs ensuing and lots of blood at the same time. Do a rap to the industrial rhythm of stick and spike on skull.
Zombie selas is shouting at me now - Ben is a Professor of reanimation.
the upshot is that the plastic palm tree is the tree of life - it's plastic made from oil - so to produce more life they should drill for oil in the middle of th pristine reservation.
I smell sponsorship by EXXON Mobil or Chevron
xtsxna - the hijinks that ensue when Kate bursts in on Mama Madonna seducing Prof Iowa in an igloo - she was just lieing naked on top of the Prof to preserve their body heat.
My eyeballs hurt now. So does my brain. Now I'm all messed up with the story I'm writing because I have NO ORIGINAL THOUGHTS, my eyes hurt, and my brain has turned to mush.
I love this site.
I'm super excited about heroes that stay one step ahead of assassins! You know all those movies where the heroes get murdered by the assassins in the first four and two-thirds minutes? Those suck. And I bet those assassins are out to murder whoever stole the Lean Cuisine they were gonna eat right after their baby-shaking trial, but they were thwarted from buying more because the ATM machine was stolen by a bespectacled, magical wizard and her space kitty, Sir Puss'N'Boots. I'd be furious, too.
thgtwzep: Staying one step ahead of assassins in a pool of molasses
Oo, I think I'd like it addressed for the attention of...er...hmm...let me think...which personality is in charge today?
What do you mean "to whose attention would you like it addressed?" Who did you address this letter to? You idiot. Go away, find out where the Old Testament was actually set, find out about the belief systems of the native americans and work out why the two don't mix.
Fool.
ianew: The NA boy's final word as the flippered assasin finally catches him and silences him forever.
All the commas have lost their way.
"American Professor and his beautiful companion"
Why do all these queries have a gay couple chasing some little boy? I don't think the Old Testament was referring to the same "tree of life" that these guys are. I see Michael Jackson as the "professor" and Rip Taylor as the ass-ass-in.
Best line of the movie: "Look! The lock is Native American boy shaped!"
I think a movie about Indiana Jones actually meeting the English Patient would be better. Get Spielberg on the phone.
Hey Empress! I don't suppose that just once you could post a good query, so we could see what one that got made really looks like? Just out of morbid curiosity.
There once was a Professor American
Who had to out run some assassin,
The Injun Boy was rife
With Key of Tree of Life,
But we're still a bit vague on the companion.
Man, this doesn't even work as a limerick.
Penlies, I want to thank you for giving me a way to remember how to spell assassin correctly.
eshdftoh: The sound kids with a mouthful of Froot Loops make when dad comes out of the bathroom with a Hitler moustache. (All guys do this before completely shaving off a moustache.)
I'm looking forward to the scene where Indiana Jones meets the English Patient. I'm sure they'll have a lot to talk about.
Regarding the Native American/Old Testament connection, this was probably written by a Mormon. They think Native Americans are a lost tribe of Israel.
Taff it's the only way I learned how to spell, for example analysis is really a dark question, anal-y-sis? I learned the hard way that it's panel not p-anal, c-anal is ok though. I am hooked on porno phonics.
Come on, BWeaves, hasn't your husband convinced you to keep up the mythos? I'm an American professor, and it's all about the ladies. There's nothing quite so magnetic to the ladies as a professor -- except maybe a hair dresser.
Seaumus MacArthur: I guess it depends what you teach. He teaches Bestiality. Well that's what his students think it is. It's actually Beach Geology.
Hey, why can't the leading lady character be an ex-basketball player? Compare WNBA salaries to NBA salaries, and you might have sufficient reason for her to pursue treasure. And since there are a lot of six-foot actresses of note (Uma Thurman, Brooke Shields, Sigourney Weaver, etc.), it'd be fairly easy to find someone to play her.
And Indiana Jones meeting the English Patient -- well, there's one more movie Elaine Benes won't want to see.
jvcol: A hip, new, with-it term for junior college.
"Would you like to get a copy at the above address and if so, to whose attention would you like it addressed?"
Yes!!! Please RUSH a copy to:
Brett Rattner
Dreck Productions (dba Box Office Poison)
666 Satan's Bitch Drive
East Crapatoa
Losertania
Oh, and don't forget to include the young Native American boy.
Well, I didn't give you permission to show this to me, but you did anyway: Strike One.
American Professor and beautiful companion (student boffing him for an A+?) racing across the world...running from assassins...and looking for a Native American boy...
how infinitely annoying of you: Strike Two.
The boy is the key to an ancient legend involving the Old Testament's Tree of Life? I'm fairly certain that the Native Americans based their religious beliefs on "extra-biblical" sources...so
STRIKE THREE.
You're out.
pilbducb: The exclamation made by the professor (with a mouthful of coffee) to his "beautiful companion" just before the assassins shoot at them.
I'd like to ask you if I may just how does one become a Professor of American?
Also, I'd like to ask you if I may just how does one race "across" the world?
wejqof: a Native American spirit wedgie
Penlies, have you ever considered becoming an elementary school teacher? I think the only hope kids will learn to read (and maybe even speak) is porno phonics.
Bweaves, I think my son may end up with a similar problem. He wants to teach linguistics, cunningly.
vsaleq: The act of invading a Save-a-Lot store dressed as a knight and demanding to see the king.
You know they can't be very good assassins if they can't at least travel through time to try to shoot Hitler.
I like the snow Ninjas...but one only has to move to Miami Beach to avoid them.
Perhaps that can lead into the whole Old Testament/Jewish thing... if the American Professor and his companion flee to Miami the Ninjas could transform themselves into "Shuffleboard Ninjas" that eat brisket and drive around (slowly) for weeks with their left turn signal on. Then they would fit right in.
qrrnyohy -What Carson, Penlies, and the other members of the Queer Eye Gang say during New York Fleet Week
Speaking of "not my cup of tea," I checked at the "Abstract Art On My Budget," and damn, she's right. It IS on my budget, mainly because it's awful and I'm not going to buy any of it. But hey, I clicked ont he link and that counts, right?
gzzugyb: The sound you make right after discovering that the Tree of Life has rotted from the inside out and it's just fallen on you.
wkjdgiql: the sound made by The Tree of Life falling in the forest onto a Native American Boy clapping one hand
They're just not making assassins the way they used to. In my day, you paid someone to kill an American Professor and his beautiful assistant, and they got killed, dammit. Now it's all about the chasing and the globetrotting and the failed attempts.
I blame the educational system.
lckkvv: Taunting someone into licking a flagpole in winter.
"lckkvv: Taunting someone into licking a flagpole in winter. "
OH YEAH, I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU!
voetnc: The Vogon poetry awards.
Actually, I'm still amazed that movies about Archaeologists "racing around the world" still get made. Here's a profession where the people or things being studied have been dead and buried for hundreds or thousands of years, so they're not moving very fast. And then most real archaeologists spend years dusting off a one yard square of ground with a toothbrush.
smeuzn: That stuff that smegna thinks is gross.
Why is it always the professor? Why not the plumber? Sure he has a crack down his back, but come on now, he could be a leading man. Or the welder. Or the electrician. Why can't it be a man who's good with his hands?
I was totally buying BCPhil's story, until he got to the part where he posited that Tori Spelling is totally hot. Goodbye, credibility.
zyzhu: The Life Aquatic guy.
Charli, it's not a plumber because Super Mario Bros. flopped.
tdpwg: the species to which Kermit the Frog's and Miss Piggy's children belong.
Charli: I think Cher's father in Moonstruck was a plumber, remember him? And Jennifer Beals was a welder in Flashdance. Electrician? Um. Charles Bronson in The Mechanic. I guess not.
cpotxd: I'm totally cpotxd that I can't think of a leading man plumber actor.
Hey Pajiba! If you want to come back after dumping us, you better show us some nude Viggo.
I come back from a week in Rome that was chock full of too much wine (and an odd Italian man named Arturo), and I find that the queries are still stupid (what the hell is a thriller feature spec?), penlies is still a perv, but Pajiba is BACK. It's good to be home.
cghnci: How I pronounced Sicily after three bottles of wine.
"I'd like to show you if I may an available..." pass
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I get the Indiana Jones part, but where exactly is the "English Patient" in this query? Does the beautiful companion have an affair with the Native American boy and then crash her plane into the desert and get all crunchy?
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