Apparently this author has not heard of PERSONAL ADS
LOGLINE: A single woman bets her three married friends that she can find a date anywhere in the USA in time for a charity ball.
SUMMARY: A twenty-eight year old woman wakes up in the middle of the night with severe abdominal pressure. After a series of grueling medical tests – all negative, her doctor tells her that she’s worrying too much and that what she really needs is a man. Incensed over this “medical” advice, she complains to her three married friends, who agree with the doctor. Insisting that the lack of a male companion is not her problem, she claims that finding a man is easy. She makes a $10,000 bet with her three Nashville friends that she can find a date anywhere in the USA in time for the Begonia Ball, which is four days away. Her friends send her to Texas, where she searches desperately for a handsome prince to take to the ball.
posted by The Empress @ 10:11 AM
56 comments
56 Comments:
Honey, you don't need a man, you need a good laxative, a better doctor, and new friends. Also, going to Texas to find your prince is probably a step in the wrong direction.
sauprxs: Ask your doctor if Sauprxs is right for you! May cause rectal bleeding, night terrors, castration and death.
Very nice to see Pajiba back. However, a naked Clive Owen would be more impressive.
oheyvcul: A drunk hailing a cab.
Oh common. If she's paying for the ball, the first man who crosses her path with go out with her for a free meal. Nobody's gonna take that bet. It's a one night stand, and the guy only has to TAKE her to the ball, not go home with her.
So are there no men in Nashville?
Zwcgx: Generic Sauprxs.
I sure hope she wins that bet. It'll come in handy paying her medical bills for that undiagnosed ruptured spleen.
Seriously, how RICH are these people? "I bet you can't find a date in four days, and I'm willing to put TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS on it."
If I were the woman, I'd just go to Texas, say "if you come with me to a ball, I'll give you a thousand dollars", then pocket the other nine.
Naked men just aren't that easy to find, you know. Anyway, we're going for humiliating celebrity photos rather than titilating. Humiliation seems to have more legs ... Viggo's pecs might look alright for a day or two, but a picture of the Olson Twins kissing never gets old ... at least until we can dig up another drunk Tara Reid photo (who am I kidding ... they're everywhere).
But, it's good to be back ... and thanks to those who kept visiting even when we weren't here (Ms.Doublewide, et al).
Dear Pajiba:
Drunk women kissing doesn't do it for all the real women on this site. Besides, the guys are gay (I'm sure I speak for Penlies) and they want to see naked Viggo, Clive, Jude, etc. too. I think naked guys are humiliating especially when you show their legs.
cisvmr: Kiss the Mr. right at the V spot. Is that humiliating enough?
Hopefully, her handsome Texan prince will be a medical malpractice attorney licensed in Tin-A-see.
Pssst....Pajiba...I understand from my married friends that there are PLENTY of nekkid photos of the new James Bond floating around on the internets. Seriously, you aren't even trying, are you?
Texas? It's a big gay tea party down there, what with all the chaps and pointy boots. I can't even imagine what kind of horse face this woman is if she has to search the entire country for one puny little man to take her to... oh, well, now I see the problem. Begonia Ball. No decent man would be caught dead there. Maybe they should change the name to The Begonia's Other Ball if they want a man of two there. I'll bet the husbands of the girrfrens putting up their trailers for a bet aren't going, either.
kxfnuc: 1. A disgruntled teen eating Kix cereal. 2. The length of time it takes one to recover their cool after tripping over a sidewalk brick.
what? have the rules of logic and common sense changed? she travels from tennesee to texas to get a date? why? why texas? why not ohio or florida? i don't get it. why not just walk in a straight line until you find a bar, go in and ask the first loser to accompany you to the ball? hmm? why not do that? isn't any random bar up the street in nashville 'anywhere in the usa?' isn't that easier than going to freaking texas? is 'anywhere' the name of a city in texas? does she have to get a date with a guy in anywhere, texas? is that it? and, what's wif dis money? $10,000? what? ten grand? are you kidding? they bet ten grand on this? i mean, if the bet was she can't get a date in four minutes...maybe. or, she can't get a man to propose marriage in 4 days...okay, that might make sense. someone wrote 120 pages on this?
hey, i'll bet all you guys $10,000 i can write a hella better script than this in 4 days. starting...now!
Dear Pajiba,
I'm writing to complain about your incestuous photo of the Olsen twins making out on my laptop. I would like to ask you what this world is coming to? Doesn't Clive Owen have a twin brother he can make out with? Isn't there an uncensored Paul Newman Goes Wild at the Nursing Home with Clint Eastwood and Harrison Ford video out there somewhere? Besides, how do we know these Olsen twins are actually making out? They could be sharing a sunflower seed for lunch.
fqmoz: 1. How the ugly sibling of a really hot star feels. 2. The sad reality that you can't make out with your famous hot sibling for a Pajiba ad because you are far too ugly.
It's not my stomach that aches when I need a man.
You can have my assistant for $5,000.
jeez, some lesbian vampires *you* guys make.
Oh shit, J, I forgot. What do you say, my triplet vampire lesbian sisters? Shall we meet by the hot tub of butterscotch pudding and get our making out on? Billy Cosby says he'll host the event.
wjbmrymq: 1. What Bill Cosby might utter as he thinks of a way to describe what's taking place in the butterscotch hot tub. 2. The sound of an under-pudding make-out session between triplet vampire lesbian sisters, amplified. (That Mortimer Fenby is a filthy, filthy pervert.)
Oh..so THAT'S the Olson Twins.
Cool.
How about a total loser bets he can get any woman to the Begonia Ball as a date. In fact any two women. In fact, any two women who will then 'make-out' (Taffy, you pilgrim) on the dance floor to an Ohio Players tune.
OK, this is Nashville: make out to a Keith Urban squawk.
Enter the Olson Twin's, oddly ensconced in the POTUS's Texan back-yard. He has to dodge secret service goons, parents and Barbara Bush to feed the girls a gallon of Rohypnol, then get them sober enough to wear decent dresses, put their hair up and fake their ID's.
Ends up with both girls on a king-size bed, surrounded by $100 notes, a quart of Astrolube and a copy of Mad Truck Monthly.
mdagdedd - What happens when a middle-aged man has one fantasy too many.
Taffy said... What do you say, my triplet vampire lesbian sisters? Shall we meet by the hot tub of butterscotch pudding and get our making out on?"
Taffy... can I get the film and pay per view rights for that?
and girls... just ignore the little thing in the corner that looks like a webcam. It's just an old plastic tennis ball... really.
wluxtmm: Call letters for a really small AM station in Anywhere Texas
Abdominal pressure? You would think it would be pain.
What this movie needs is a little Heart:
It was a rainy night
When a pain gave me a fright.
The doctor ran some tests,
Upper GI, and the rest.
They all came back negative,
But he had some advice to give.
I thought it was absurd,
But then all my friends concurred.
He said, "You need a man,
You lonely girl, soon as you can."
But I slapped his face,
And ran outta that place.
I don't need a dick
Just 'cause I'm sick.
All I want to do is have a ball with you.
One night of dancing, and then we're through.
All I want to do is have a ball with you.
Four days from now is when we're due.
So I made this little bet
That to find a man was no sweat.
We all wagered ten grand,
And I went off to find man.
They said that Texas is where
You'll find a man to ensnare,
But I didn't complain,
And I hopped on a plane.
They told me,"Whether he's short or whether he's tall,
Bring him back here in time for the ball.
Go try to find him, girl, if you dare
In the Lone Star State, there's lots of men there."
All I want to do is have a ball with you.
One night of dancing, and then we're through.
All I want to do is have a ball with you.
If I produce a man, then ten grand's due.
Oh, oooh, I got sick
On the plane.
All night long
I got sick.
Then I landed in the plane,
Feeling tired and very drained.
You can imagine my surprise
When I saw the pilot's eyes.
I said, "Wow! wow! I was right!
I found a man, just off the flight,
And this guy is perfect.
Oh, I think this is love at first sight!
All I want to do is have a ball with you,
And then I'll know if this love is true.
All I want to do is have a ball with you.
I'll win the bet, and then we'll screw.
All night long.
All night long.
All night long.
I'l get sick.
tvsyihb: what this woman should have taken for her stomach pain.
Taffy, it seems only right that we welcome Meg back home with a ginormous lesbian vampire make-out session, but I'm allergic to butterscotch. Anaphalactic shock isn't as sexy as you might think.
Make it tapioca and you have a deal.
As for the query, and I use that term loosely, this is a big load of crap. I live in Texas, and while good men are hard to find (and hard men are good to find), it's no big thing to simply find a guy with a pulse and get him to go on one lousy date. Forget offering him a share of the ten grand...offer to show him your boobies. Are there any guys that doesn't work on?
Besides penlies, I mean.
hwdmy: What the last guy said when I showed him my boobs. I think he meant it in a good way.
Maybe this is the sequel to the Lean Cuisine murder movie, and you know Our Heroine just isn't happy unless she's doing things the hard way.
fhbdje: a kiss between anorexic no-talent twins.
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies!
First of all it is not poor pajiba's fault if you are in need of beefcake pics and/or various forms of male stimulation. Do not take your frustrations out on him... that is what assistants and pool boys and husbands and cucumbers are for.
Besides there is an entire internet of porn out there for you to Google Image... so just take it off SafeSearch and be nice to the poor bill payers.
Dear beloved bweaves... please don't say " the guys are gay (I'm sure I speak for Penlies)"
First of all I don't think that sheep worrying technically falls under the term "gay", and besides one hears that some folks are very open to sheep of either gender; thusly you can't truthfully say that Penlies is "gay"... at least not in the strictest sense of the word.
Secondly, not only am I not "gay", but unlike some others my pets do not back towards me expectantly whenever I unzip my pants. I am in fact not only straight but Neanderthallicly so.
This is a fact I rejoice in as I believe that we are still supposed to meet up and breed "children so evil that assassins will travel back in time just to kill them". In fact I'd even be willing to visit your vampire lesbian collective in support of this endeavour....(ah the stuff dreams are made of...)
Dear Taffy, "...oh, well, now I see the problem. Begonia Ball. No decent man would be caught dead there..." I am sorry to say that is not true. As Susan Sarandon said in Bull Durham "You can get a man to do anything if you can just convince him it is a form of foreplay." Women have been dressing my gender in ridiculious outfits, parading our rythmically challenged butts to operas, ballets, and around dance floors for centuries; all while making us buy them expensive food, assorted drinks, and large numbers of vastly overpriced shiny rocks. Why do we do this? All because you hint that if we do it we might have a shot at getting y'all naked later.
Lets face it, if she is even close to attractive this lady could easily get her a guy to take her to the Begonia Ball...Heck she could get a guy to carry her to Scott Station Antarctica on his back in the middle of winter wearing only a Peter Pan hat and a thin coating of chocolate caramel if she made him think there would be sex at the end of the trip.
Men are pigs, and that is our biggest weakness. You think we LIKE spending our motorcycle money on diamond tennis bracelets and emerald earrings? Truth be told we just want cry hwdmy while you show us your boobs. If it wern't for the hwdmy factor Zales would have gone bankrupt decades ago.
euxvcacj...Veterinary Drug for the treatment of anal warts in sheep.
Sally, tapioca might end up looking like cellulite, so maybe we should go with vanilla or perhaps bread pudding. No chocolate for obvious reasons, although that would hide a multitude of sins.
About this emm, query--I wonder if we'll get a scope's eye view of that coloscopy.
zhrxxxtc: (This proves Mortimer Fenby is not a figment of my imagination.) The thrilling ecstacy of the scope entering the nether region it is about to examine before a live audience.
Colonoscopy. For Freudian reasons, I left out the "no."
vfryw: the closest you can get to a pan of sizzling bacon, naked, before you have to start worrying.
At first glance this looked like it started "A single woman beats her three married friends" and it seemed a lot more interesting.
gzoizlm: a Muslim eating Go-gurt.
flbbd: Pronounced "flab-bad." How tapioca would make a lesbian vampire look.
I think I need to go find something productive to do. I have a glue stick, a food processor, a bottle of Cap'n Morgan's, a picture of a guy in a Virgin Mary blue leisure suit, an Irish Kit Kat bar, three dead poets, and a toothpick flag of Chuck Norris. Any ideas?
Cough, Wedding Date. Cough, cough.
Male escort. Movie over.
dvrzvcoa: The ass-beating you take while trying to get your hands on a $300 laptop at Wal-mart on Black Friday.
shecanfilmit: Try some sauxprxs for that cough.
I am up for some tapioca pudding wrestling with my fellow lesbian vampires and if George Bush - oops, I mean Larry - is going to be there then we probably ought to wear our bikininuts and have done with it.
If you're lonely ladies, I left a hot tour guide named Jeff and some Italian guy named Arturo hot and bothered in Rome. Have at 'em!
yvteaezl: What happens when you take sauprxs and tease weasels.
Dearest, beloved Larry: I in no way meant to imply that YOU were gay. I was just trying to convince Pajiba to humilate men for us, rather than women.
While I could surf the internet for male cheesecake, this is my work computer, and I'd rather the cheesecake pop up by itself during my "break."
Larry, that was a thing of beauty.
Now, your break is over. Back to work, I want to reach Scott Station before your toes fall off or the caramel starts to set.
tbnltt: the rakish angle of a Peter Pan hat on a mostly-naked man.
Hmmm...Woman looking for a date?
4 days?
Even the ugliest woman can find a date in about 4 minutes.
1 bottle of MadDog 20/20 + trip to local homeless shelter = date.
Mix together, shake vigorously and watch the fun ensue.
P.S.
BWeaves, I can`t speak for all the guys here but there`s one guy I know personaly who`s not gay.
He kinda likes girls. Likes everything about 'em. Especially their plumbing ; )
(me)
Oh who cares; the gay thing worked. Woo-hoo.
Thank you Pajiba!!!
fxdcnvq: Lusty feelings for the male cheesecake in the Pajiba ad.
We love you Pajiba!
Dating in Nashville and Texas...Is her brother unavailable?
Thanks Pajiba!
Why would I pay to see a series of grueling medical tests on the big screen when I could go see lezzie vamp dessert wrestling live? I'll need some advance notice to buy my plane ticket, so work with me here, ok?
zpcuzge: the sound of tapioca/bread pudding/custard in various orifices (don't try this at home ... actually, please do)
I haven't posted in a while, but I've been reading...
I wanted to thank Pajiba for Jakey G.
Also, I 100% agree with Larry. All she has to do is offer a guy a decent blow job.
A "decent" blow job? Are there bad blow jobs? Have they changed much in the last few years?
Sigh. It's so difficult trying to reenter the dating world after you've been on the sidelines for awhile.
ahvnqz-what a guy says when he's on the receiving end of a "decent" blowjob. I think...
Yep you can just feel the desperation coming on this one. Maybe the woman should drool uncontrollably during the whole film to make it interesting
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