Friday, October 28, 2005

So he's like an evil Smokey the Bear?

"When children in the woods misbehave, their parents tell them the frightening tale of the Skinner.

Skinner, a former logger, roams the backwoods with his ax and chainsaw, savagely killing those people, who have offended Mother Nature. Perhaps, the offense is as simple an act as riding an ATV through the forest. Perhaps, it is more heinous, such as dumping toxic waste into the river.

Neither a simple scolding nor a written citation is enough. Skinner hacks off the limbs of his victims and then leaves his victims staked to a tree, as a warning to others to be good. Be careful bad boys and girls.

Think about it. Who would know? Accidents happen every day. Hikers disappear and are eaten by bears. People disappear every day and they're never found. The work of the Skinner?

As Skinner starts a new rampage through the woods, five college students decide that this is the perfect time for a relaxing canoe trip. Naturally, their canoe trip takes them through the middle of Skinner's territory.

Watch as the college students meet Skinner one by one. Who will survive?"

42 Comments:

At 10:08 AM, Blogger ThisisJoe said...

OK, so the best part is where Skinner stakes amputated victims to a tree, and in the next breath the query writer says nobody would notice because accidents happen everyday. I'm no Encyclopedia Brown, but a hacked up body bound to a tree would not make me think it was an accident.

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger feed_jake said...

Give a hoot, don't pollute haiku

Litter-bug missing.
Is it the work of Skinner?
We may never know.

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger sharpie said...

Tree huggin' psychopathic hippie.

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

As they say in The Biz, this has a great Disney flavor to it. Although, Skinner is either going to have to molest the kids, skin them alive for climbing the trees, or change his name to Hacker if he insists on continuing with the punative amputations.

Are bubbles considered toxic waste?

Also, why college students? How about a fourth grade field trip? We want to keep the Disney flavor, after all. Disney didn't make Deliverance, you know. Or Blair Witch Project.

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger boredinchicago said...

When you hear the villian is named skinner, dont you think that he would naturally skin his victims? not hack off their arms and tack em to a tree. ohhhh maybe that's what makes his script unique.

 
At 11:26 AM, Blogger boredinchicago said...

ATV off course
Did not mean to drive through here
oh shit i'm dead now

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Anyone else bothered by the fact that a LOGGER with an AX and a CHAINSAW is killing people who offended Mother Nature?

Shouldn't he kill himself?

I could see if a Grizzly Bear or the ghost of a Native American killed people who trashed the forest, but a LOGGER?

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

"Watch as the college students meet Skinner one by one. Who will survive?"

What does Skinner have against canoeing? I would think he'd be pretty happy to see some young enthusiasts enjoying nature from a non-polluting vessel. So, with this in mind, is the answer to the wirter's question "all of them"?

Sounds like a pretty boring movie unless the college kids have lots of sex.

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger craig said...

Starring Dirk Benedict as B.F. Skinner.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:27 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

Call me an old softie, but I use a variety of non-terror based techniques to motivate and discipline my kids, and most of them work fairly well. Dr. Spock, T. Berry Brazleton, and William Sears have written many books on the topic, and none of them suggest using an inaptly-named self-loathing woodsman to scare your children into submission.

Also, if I went to go see a horror movie about a creep named Skinner, and no one got skinned, I would ask for my money back. That's just false advertising, man.

 
At 12:28 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Bweaves, I'll bet there was supposed to be a surprise ending where one of the more studious college students brings up that exact point with the logger, causing him to snuff it by turning his own ax against himself. It wouldn't be the first suicide-by-ax-to-the-grape, but it might be Disney's first.

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger Meg said...

What the hell does this writer mean, "Who would know? Accidents happen every day." How would it even appear accidental to have an armless, legless corpse nailed to a tree?

"Woops, I slipped on a pile of leaves and ended up staked to a tree; get me down would ya?"

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Ok, should have read the comments before posting, someone beat me to it. Damn.

Sex in a pup tent
Interrupted by psycho
No satisfaction

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Along similar lines, I had a guy yesterday in Fight Court who was cleaning his cabinets with a butcher knife when his bitch of a wife threw his BBQ sandwich at him and all he did was turn around and ask her politely to leave him alone. He did not brandish the knife at her and threaten to gut her if she didn't make him another sandwich. He was simply misunderstood.

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Sally: RE: Scaring your kids into submission.

When hubby was in grad school, one of the professors got his kids to behave by telling them that if they didn't behave, a gypsy was going to come and take them away. One of the prof's grad students came to his house one night. When they opened the door, the little kid ran screaming through the house, "I'll behave, I'll behave!" This particular grad student was kinda stuck in the 60's and had long hair, a beard, his hair in a bandana, wearing a puffy paisley shirt and old jeans. Now the kid had never seen a gypsy before, but he was sure the grad student was one of them.

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger jaimilyn said...

Am I the only one who when reading this query keeps hearing Superintendant Chalmers yelling "SKI-NNER!"

Also, I think this is an excellent candidate to be BCP'd.

And, the query writer should be sued for comma abuse. Meg, do they prosecute that in fight court?

Finally, I love the word verification so very very much.

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger katiescarlet said...

Isn't this the script for Friday 13, #20 Jason takes on an apprentice?

 
At 1:14 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Meg, I've found that there are many Alan Alda types out there simply trying to help defrost the freezer with a butcher knife when--BAM!--they're misunderstood.

 
At 3:40 PM, Blogger Squiddy said...

"Hikers disappear and are eaten by bears."

I'm actually going on a hike tomorrow. I don't think its bear country, but there are a lot of sheep around. Should I be worried? :/

 
At 3:58 PM, Blogger Yowza wowza said...

So the authorities have scolded and cited Skinner for hacking up stray hikers? I would love for Meg to prosecute the corruption trial. Who is Skinner anyway? Karl Rove?

 
At 4:53 PM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Between this and Saw and every horror movie in existence, I think it's safe to say we're going to run out of college students before we ever run out of crappy horror pitches.

Also, don't tell me to think about something if it's obvious that you haven't-- or if you have, that you're deeply, deeply stupid. Who would know indeed...

 
At 5:19 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I feel bad for the logger. He's going to be very confused every time he has to say, "It puts the lotion on its skin. It does this when it's told," right before hacking off the softened limbs and nailing the fragrant torso to the innocent tree. Then, of course, there's the end part where he not only gets admonished for being a logger and therefore has to nail himself to the tree (without limbs with which to nail himself to said tree), but then it occurs to him that nailing things to trees is very naughty, too. Just as naughty as dumping toxic waste and logging and kayaking and raping the forest with ATVs. So the nailing is out and the best he can do is scold himself to death while the credits roll (as he now lacks the limbs with which to spank said self...).

 
At 6:10 PM, Blogger Grubber said...

Am I the only one who when reading this query keeps hearing Superintendant Chalmers yelling "SKI-NNER!"

Sort of, I just thought that Bart must have pushed Skinner too far and he ran away to be a logger and.....complications ensue????

 
At 7:37 PM, Blogger queen of wt said...

STOP!
You really HAVE to be making this up. I am totally scared of this particular query. Please tell me the writer does not have your name and phone number.
I love this blog but you guys need to insist on bodyguards or something with query letters like this one...

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

That's just great. Where am I gonna dump my toxic waste now?

By the way, don't be surprised if we get spam again. This word verification isn't the greatest. At least, though, it should cut down the amount.

 
At 7:49 AM, Blogger Carter said...

If a psycho logger cuts off people's limbs in a forest and no one notices, does anybody care?

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger Sharla said...

Um, is farting in the river considered toxic waste?

P.S. I HATE having to use a blogger profile. I have a much better blog than the one it forces me to use. Waaaaahhhh......

 
At 1:55 PM, Blogger PJ McIlvaine said...

I must confess, I used to scare my little ones with the Boogeyman. Once, I even got my kids out of the mall by telling them that Michael Jackson in Thriller was going to get them.

I was a poor Mom, but in spite of my shortcomings, my kids turned out all right. Not a drug abuser, serial killer, sociopath, alkie or pregnant one in the bunch.

Where did I do wrong?

 
At 2:03 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I don't know, PJ, I don't know. My son's 18 and not pregnant yet. I'll never be a trailer trash Memaw. At 40, I'm too old. I should be a great-Memaw by now. What ever happened to the eleventeen year-old, ax-murdering parent? We're just not scaring them enough.

 
At 12:49 AM, Blogger Lil Marie Jon said...

WOW. That was horrible. With the internet, there is no excuse for this type of garbage. All kinds of sites are out there to help writers.

My favorite one is Script Bandit

 
At 5:32 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

The spam break was fun while it lasted. Come visit my spam break was fun while it lasted website. It features spam break was fun while it lasted related stuff.

 
At 6:29 AM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Told ya.

 
At 5:17 PM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

The only upside of this query is that it appears to be written in coherent standard English.

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

I was sent off to summer camp once and frightened out of my wits by campfire stories of Eric deGraf - a logger who'd lost a hand, replaced it with an axe, and was of course trolling for victims in these here woods. I had nightmares about this creep. Then again, I was 11. 20 yearsand a bout of therapy later - yawn.

 
At 5:41 AM, Blogger Dr. Physics said...

Here is a link to better spam protection. This one forces the spammer to at least have clicked the comments link. Most spam doesn't.... http://www.dvorak.org/blog/?p=2904
Also I believe a skinner is a type of logger, but I agree, he should have to kill himself in the end, unless he was already dead..... Hmmm.

 
At 7:39 AM, Blogger anders375 said...

Well, I think what we have here is the potential for the psychological redemption ending, wherein we discover the dark horrible secret that not only turned Skinner from logging, but made him the Zorro-in-Flesh artist that he is today. (You know... leaving torsos on trees instead of Z's)
The remaining college student (the one named 'Who') is of course a psych major who sees through Skinners deep psychosis and breaks through to him with a deft five minute monologue, leaving the former logger a weepy, repentant mess.
Closing scene is the two of them sitting around a very nature-friendly campfire, singing "Kum-by-yah".

Now there's your Disney ending...

 
At 3:49 PM, Blogger Daedalus said...

Why are bad little boys running around the woods in the first place? I mean, is this a common problem found in all woods? Is it just this particular woods? Is there something in the woods that draws bad little boys into the woods? Does the community send mishaving kids to the woods to get rid of them? I'm confused. It's like Pere Foutard everyday out there.

 
At 7:02 PM, Blogger John Eje Thelin said...

Coherent standard English? I beg to differ, sidhedevil.

Be careful bad boys and girls.

Why would someone want to be a careful bad boy/girl? Kind of negates the badness of it, wouldn't you say?

 
At 2:00 AM, Blogger haz_bear01 said...

be careful bad boys and girls

I picked up on that line too John. Surely being a careful bad boy/girl would mean you were dumping toxic waste really carefully so as not to get caught.

And another thing, how many kids dump toxic waste? Maybe its a generational thing but when I was a kid back in the 80s we didn't have enough toxic waste to waste dumping it in woods. We treasured it.

 
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