Monday, October 24, 2005

I'm guessing that by the end, she's no longer a virgin.

"When a clueless, virginal, perfectionistic microbiologist determines that she wants to have a baby, naturally she decides on artificial insemination—but she won’t settle for anything less than the perfect DNA. The only problem is, it belongs to the current 'Sexiest Man on Earth'."

41 Comments:

At 10:34 AM, Blogger Chris said...

She's not getting my DNA, no matter how hard she begs. Sorry.

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger Meg said...

How can you be a clueless perfectionist?

This does sound like a decent porn, provided that she also tried some lesbian DNA as well.

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger Chris (UK Scriptwriter) said...

Aw crap!

She didn't tell me it was for that :(

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger Chris (UK Scriptwriter) said...

Aw crap!

She didn't tell me it was for that :(

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger The Fool said...

Dana (get it?), being clueless, tries for the entire course of the film to get the DNA from the magazine cover of the sexiest man on earth, to no avail. Or is it?. Then when she realizes she's screwed, she gets screwed, by the sexiest drunk on the corner pub. Or does she?

In the end, it all comes to an important life lesson on true love, perfection, and DNA, or does it?. Featuring her best friend Gene (get it?), who's always been in love with her but keeps his mouth shut about her cluelessness (he knows you can't get the DNA from a magazine cover, since it lacks the guy's soul, sexy as he might be). Dana & Gene, coming soon! "All is fair in love & microbiology"

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

"Clueless, virginal, perfectionist microbiologist..."

I've got my thesaurus out and now I'm going to test the theory I have developed as to how those particular adjectives were chosen:

When a bountiful, tight-assed, seamanlike microbiologist determines that she wants to have a baby, naturally she decides on artificial insemination--but she won't settle for anything less than the perfect DNA. The only problem is, it belongs to the current "Most Farcical Man Alive."

Almost the same plot--only in mine, when the man won't stop being silly long enough to get the job done properly, she can inseminate herself.

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger but_seriously said...

'perfectionistic'

Well, we know what this query writer isn't.

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger penlies said...

A smart girl who is a virgin? I don't believe it. Intelligent women get all the action.

“Perfect DNA” This has the same flawed premise as the Nazi’s, that evolution has a goal or an aim... it's called eugenics. Now I know attraction is all relative but I would hardly call Hitler the sexiest man on earth but I would love to see how she goes about getting his little Sea-men.

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger feed_jake said...

So, I think this deserves a little haiku action:

Overachiever
seeks sexy celeb's baby
then highjinks ensue.

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

STARRING:

The "Trash Talking Turleen Doll" from the White Trash Palace link.

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger Meg said...

I think we should chip in and buy Turleen for Penlies. We can throw in Nunzilla as well.

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger Ichabod said...

Remind me who decides the "sexiest man on earth(tm)"...

What's that? People Magazine? She must be a smart girl with that type of literature on her shelf.

 
At 2:10 PM, Blogger COLOfilm said...

Helena Bonham Carter stars as a single woman trying desperately to raise a test tube baby in Merchant-Ivory's "Womb with a View"

 
At 3:52 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

But if she's clueless, how does she know the sexiest man on Earth has the perfect DNA?

And where does the guy keep this perfect DNA? In his freezer?

 
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At 3:42 AM, Blogger BCPhil said...

Boy do I love Halloween!
It’s the only time of year you get to dress up and not have people whistle at you and give you a hard time or try to grab you and stuff. This year I am dressing up in a costume that Mom made for me.
Mom is about the best costume designer you guys have ever seen! She designed a costume for me that I wore for the last three years, Prince Colwyn from Krull of course, but this year I gained some weight and I can’t wear it again. Mom says I am big boned so this is not a big deal and she made a new costume. I am going to go trick or treating as a Dew Back from Star Wars this year. Mom likes to have a few drinks around this time of year so it makes it harder for her to sew and stuff and the Dew Back is a pretty easy costume from what she said so that’s cool.
Mom has been drinking a lot more lately which is kind of uncool but Mom says as you get older you need to drink more. A lot of nights Mom polishes off a few glasses of Jim Daniels and then goes in the bedroom to use her back massager thing and stuff and doesn’t watch movies with me as much anymore. Sometimes she worries me but Mom always says that as long as she has enough C batteries and booze nothing can keep her down for that long.
Halloween used to be a lot cooler when I was a real young kid. Mom would have parties and everyone would come over and I would dance for everyone to the “Staying Alive” song by the BJ’s. Some of the people at Mom’s parties were those Hippie people that used to be around more in the 60’s. Mom says the Republicans got rid of them somehow. Some were real cool but I think a lot of them were poor. I remember a bunch of the guys that would come to the parties would all share the same cigarettes and most of them acted they had never seen a Twinkie before. One guy would eat as many as I gave him, I felt bad they were always so hungry and it made me realize how lucky I was to always have Twinkies and ding dong’s and stuff whenever I wanted.

The above query is super imaginative and stuff but like many others I see here it lacks any real action, or confrontation, or just about anything cool, other than that it’s pretty good. What I would do is to change a few things around. Let me add a few extra scenes and ideas and stuff to your script and let’s see if we can take it from average to pretty darn Xtreme…
First off, enough with people getting pregnant left and right in movies. If Summer School, with the awesome Mark Harmon, taught us anything it’s that a pregnant side story only slows down what could be a sweet plot. In this case I would have the women simply obsessed with fornicating with the World’s Sexiest Man. I didn’t know who this would be so I asked Mom this morning while she was making French Toast and she told me the World’s Sexiest Man has and always will be Michael Caine.
Michael Caine is an awesome actor, I liked him best in the movie where he had a supporting role but can’t think of the name right off hand, I am sure you guys will remember or know which one I am talking about.
To make the story more than just this woman chasing around this guy because she has a crush on him, I would also have a Goddess in love with him. This way the women could fight at the end of the third act of the movie.
The normal girl would outwit the Goddess and win the fight but just as she was ready to claim Michael Caine for her own a God would appear, someone like Pan for instance. He would be upset with Michael Caine because his wife was in love with him. Michael Caine would plead ignorance but we would find out Pan was married to the Goddess that came down to earth to also fornicate with him. Pan would demand revenge.
The girl in love with Michael Caine would immediately inject him with a serum she was working on, one that would give a human the powers of a random God, till this point she had only tested it on Orangutans (this would set up the prequel if the movie was successful). She would share a deep passionate kiss with Michael Caine and then inject him in the caboose. Michael Caine now would have the powers of Thor, the God of Thunder and about the sweetest God of all. Caine would find a Hammer during the battle and knock the heck out of Pan with it. After defeating Pan he would say..
“You booze filled goat thing, go off and frolic among your whores!”
With that Michael would someone thunder and it would make Pan disappear.
Michael Caine would then start necking with the girl and realize she was kind of hot and stuff and the movie would end.

I am sorry I don’t post more guys, I miss you all and think about you a lot but I have a very xtreme life but whenever I get time I do read this Blog and see what everyone is saying and stuff. I am working a lot more in my friends comic book store to hopefully save money so I can get into college to be a sweet film director.
I hope all you guys have a very Xtreme Halloween!
BCPhil

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger Johnjon said...

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At 5:18 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

"Naturally" she decides on artificial insemination... cause who wouldn't rather whip out the turkey baster instead of shagging the it-boy of the year?

 
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At 7:09 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

“You booze filled goat thing, go off and frolic among your whores!”

There should be a law that says this line must appear in every movie.

BCPhil,
I'll bet you will look sweet in your new costume. My 30ish cousin's mom made him a Spock suit for Halloween (and everyday wear) and it turned out super even though she has MS.

Come to my house for trick or treat. I get a lot of older kids--in their 20s even--so I hand out a lot of nifty things you kids would like. Stuff like wine coolers, seven-bladed knives, halberds, automatic machine guns, pens that say "From the Office of Chuck Norris," dagwood sandwiches, real police badges so you can make your own traffic stops, Pringles, GWAR cds, cigarettes, Cheetos, whips, RC Cola, and even extra batteries for their moms.

 
At 7:17 AM, Blogger VP19 said...

Sounds like it could be a Jodie Foster vehicle, though it might cut too close to the knife for her. And I doubt she would ever deign to play a character described as "clueless."

 
At 7:31 AM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

Once again, BCPhil's Xtreme version kicks the crap out of the original. What would we do without you, man? I hope you have a very Xtreme Halloween.

And remember, if you really love your mom, you will never borrow her C batteries to use in a flashlight or radio or something. That would be uncool. Moms really need their back massagers.

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

BCPhil, when are you going to write your Xtreme autobiography?

 
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At 11:32 AM, Blogger kojled said...

is she looking for perfect dna or dna from the perfect man? dumb premise. next

ps - see if you can get sandra bullock. but, you have to go back in time - it would be best to get her 10 years ago. get that and you got a deal

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger Meg said...

"You booze filled goat thing, go off and frolic among your whores!”

Oh, welcome back BC Phil! We miss you as well. Hope your Halloween is XTreme. I hope your mom can get plenty of Jack and C batteries.

Taffy, as well as a Federal Fight Court platform, I will run for office on the premise that we should add the above line in all movies.

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Meg for President. She would kick Gina Davis's ass.

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

"You booze filled goat thing, go off and frolic among your whores!”

I think I said almost those exact words to my ex-husband right before the divorce.

Good times...

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

I think we should start a petition to get BCPhil assigned to write all dialogue on George Lucas films. The goat-whore line was better than any single line in the last three Star Wars movies.

 
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