Monday, October 31, 2005

Great balls of fire, you are ripping off quite a lot of old classics! I feel faint!

"LOGLINE: A strong-willed beauty moves into an apartment where the landlord likes to play with dolls. Human dolls. The women he kills and stuffs.

Scarlett Book moves into the perfect little paradise, or so it seems. Until strange things start happening. First there’s that nagging feeling she gets that somebody died. Then the mama’s boy landlord, Ashley, and his bizarre fascination with Gone With the Wind. The angry neighbor and all her cats always lazing about... the sounds... the smells...the visions of eyeless, stuffed people, dressed up like dolls.

When Scarlett’s sister mysteriously disappears, she befriends the landlord to get to the truth, agreeing to help him find a girl to bring home to Mother, hoping to find her sister in the process. Until she learns Mother is dead, and she’s now Ashley's prize collectable..."

Friday, October 28, 2005

So he's like an evil Smokey the Bear?

"When children in the woods misbehave, their parents tell them the frightening tale of the Skinner.

Skinner, a former logger, roams the backwoods with his ax and chainsaw, savagely killing those people, who have offended Mother Nature. Perhaps, the offense is as simple an act as riding an ATV through the forest. Perhaps, it is more heinous, such as dumping toxic waste into the river.

Neither a simple scolding nor a written citation is enough. Skinner hacks off the limbs of his victims and then leaves his victims staked to a tree, as a warning to others to be good. Be careful bad boys and girls.

Think about it. Who would know? Accidents happen every day. Hikers disappear and are eaten by bears. People disappear every day and they're never found. The work of the Skinner?

As Skinner starts a new rampage through the woods, five college students decide that this is the perfect time for a relaxing canoe trip. Naturally, their canoe trip takes them through the middle of Skinner's territory.

Watch as the college students meet Skinner one by one. Who will survive?"

Double double, toil and trouble

"Hello Prominent Exec:

As we say in The Biz, allow me to 'cut to the chase':

My script is a Tim Burton-flavored, supernatural romantic comedy about a love triangle between an average guy, a beautiful Wicca and her jealous Ex . . . who happens to be the Antichrist.

(SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE by the Chupacabra!)"

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Anna-Nicole Smith married my dad and I'm pissed she's getting my billions so I've written a script about it! So there, you blond bimbo!

"A college student from rural Oregon inherits a mini-estate from a father he had never known. However, a beautiful porn model has a palimony suit against the late father. Before he can gain full possession he must share the property for 90 days with the model and her teen-age daughter.

With identical twin blondes adding spice to the complexity.

Four women and one guy-- short of x-rated, believe it or not--and naturally one of them (you can probably guess which one)turns the tables on him."

Somebody went to University of Pennsylvania... Fighting Quakers oxymoron anyone???

"A struggling young actor has Multiple Personality Disorder - a coping mechanism in reaction to an early trauma that has split him into five distinct personalities. With little control over which one asserts itself, he gives hilariously inappropriate performances at auditions. The rejections he receives as a result force him into therapy, where he makes sufficient progress to enable him to project his angry self when he reads for the lead in a new Brit-flick about a 17th century Quaker with heroic rage. The film's director, a keen aficionado of the Method, is so impressed with his remarkably authentic rage he casts him immediately. But an attractive make-up girl, and the humorous emergence of the trauma that caused his condition, make it almost impossible for him to balance his personalities during the shoot..."

Monday, October 24, 2005

I'm guessing that by the end, she's no longer a virgin.

"When a clueless, virginal, perfectionistic microbiologist determines that she wants to have a baby, naturally she decides on artificial insemination—but she won’t settle for anything less than the perfect DNA. The only problem is, it belongs to the current 'Sexiest Man on Earth'."

Friday, October 21, 2005

I am now getting new business cards which read "Fantasy Ridicule Facilitator, Esq., M.D., Phd."

"Logline: A nebbish Bingo caller inherits a 'lucky' marker and discovers a genie trapped under the cap. Has his fortune changed ... or are his troubles just beginning?

Ever since he was a kid, Billy wanted to be something SPECIAL. Now approaching 40, he is somewhat of a local celeb as the Town Bingo Caller. Still, he can't get motivated to move out of his mother's house or propose to his 'losing-my-patience girlfriend.

Fortune changes when Billy inherits a lucky Bingo marker from an old lady and discovers a dervish genie inside. 'You've got 7 wishes,' the genie tells him. 'And don't call me genie - I'm a Fantasy Fulfillment Engineer!'

With Eugene's help, Billy manages to mess up every wish. Soon he's estranged from his Bingo fans, his girlfriend - even his mother moves out. Then two questionable characters stroll into town: a Player with eyes for Angie and a Con who preys on old people. Wishless, Billy must make his own luck to save his fans and his relationship - before it's too late! Please contact me if you have interest in reading this 'coming-of-middle-age' story."

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Hello. I have serious jones for Amelia Earhart and I have written a script about my irrational sexual obsession.

"'Love can make you fly.' This is the logline for my new romantic comedy.

A man prefers living life with both feet firmly planted on the ground. Literally. Fear of flying has been an obstacle for the 34 year-old coffee shop owner for years. In fact, his last girlfriend dumped him because he wouldn't go to Asia with her. But his life is about to become more turbulent than a flight over the Rockie's, now that he's crossed paths with two very beautiful but very different women, who will ultimately force him to face his phobia.

First, he meets a hostile and bitter, but gorgeous bombshell in her late forties. A fluke encounter ends up in a steamy one night affair, but unfortunately for him, the bombshell ends the short-lived relationship the next morning. A couple weeks later, another beautiful woman walks into his diner and the two become instant soul mates. Her only flaw, in his eyes is her profession. She's a pilot. Nonetheless, love is in the air, and she is determined to get her new boyfriend back up in the friendly skies. But just as he is about to try out his wings again, he meets the pilot's mother. The bombshell. Now he's got bigger problems.

Fear of flying has now become fear of the bombshell, who is determined to break the two up and marry her daughter off to a still-in-the-closet jeweler. Desperate to win the heart of his lovely pilot, he seeks help from a few of his coffee shop buddies, including a Chicago cop with connections and a streetwise bookie who knows how to get information. They send their friend on a journey which takes him flying from city to city, looking for his lady love. During his expedition, he not only overcomes his fear, but he learns about faith, courage, friendship, forgiveness and true love."

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain?

"Dear friend:
I would please knowledge as can them make move close a script that have written. in spite of the distance, call " exteriores ( pomps ) ". Only it takes part in two actors and a dog. It is an original idea, that in Spain nothing at all appreciated. In America it better has please for this type of productions.

Thanks for your Atencion."

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Batting Cage

"One. Two. Three strikes. You're out...Of the closet?!

Two chauvinistic bachelors masquerade as a gay couple in order to adopt the ultimate Little League baseball team.

Loaded with strikes and balls and questionable calls, my script is a home run comedy that is sure to be a hit, no matter what team you play for."

Monday, October 17, 2005

Peruse this:

"Good Morning,

For your perusal:

Logline: Where is my wife?... She doesn't exist... She never did....

Brief Synopsis. John is a well liked and prosperous New York lawyer, with a perfect marriage, a baby on the way and a promotion eminent after another win in his latest case, Life couldn't get any better....

but his world is far from real.... from hearing dark whispering voices.... sharp brief hallucinations... John's reoccurring nightmare comes to life as he is hit by a car.

Waking up in hospital, John's world becomes apparent, he's been living a dream brought on my an experimental treatment... What he once had, he's lost, and the only woman he's ever loved... never existed..... or does she???"

Friday, October 14, 2005

Ahh, l'accent circomflexe. C'est bien!

"Genre - Drama/Thriller

A clandestine mission carried out in the Holy Land has sinister consequences for CIA Agent Jake Phillips. A fanatical adversary will stop at nothing in his pursuit of revenge. At the final reckoning both men will question their raison d'être and more mysteriously, their ideas of faith itself - will you?

I have recently returned from working in the Middle East and this is my first screenplay."

Thursday, October 13, 2005

On this happy day of Yom Kippur, I was pleased to see that the Hebrew prophecy involved no traffic on the way to work and not gender confusion.

"Dear Mr. Empress:

Imagine you're a Los Angeles psychiatrist called on to evaluate four elderly women committed to a privately funded mental institution. You arrive at the institution only to discover you've become the focus of an ancient Hebrew prophecy and that the four patients are not elderly ladies at all. Instead, you're introduced to four young women, in their late teens and early twenties, who have been confined to their cells for the past sixty years.

That's the dilemma faced by the main character in my screenplay. Her shock quickly turns to terror as she struggles to maintain her sanity in a world where childhood nightmares take on new meaning and reality gives way to the surreal landscape of madness.

My script represents a dramatic opportunity for a strong female lead and opens the way for a cinematic array of stunning visual sequences."

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Maybe the twist is that Dirtier Harry is the murderer!!!

"Genre: Detective Thriller / Dark Comedy

When headless bodies turn up all over Manhattan, a detective with the reputation of being a head case himself is called in to investigate.

A an edgy, wisecracking detective that makes Dirty Harry look meek is investigating a series of decapitations at some of Manhattan's seediest adult theaters. Along with his skittish partner, he wades into a slice of his own personal Hell as well as the Big Apple's standard core of misfits - pimps, hookers, bums and Polish metallurgists - to find the man behind one very sharp blade. Brutal murder is not without a sense of humor."

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

So which half of the fish is he? I guess this isn't as tough a question when one isn't applying it to mermaids.

"Comic book/game thriller with a sense of humor

Log line: Reclusive comic book creator reluctantly plays the virtual reality interactive game version of his popular comic - the game explodes, he become the part man, part fish, lost but very hip private investigator hybrid of his comic book hero; and his past, comic book characters and locations all come to life on the streets of New York.

Synopsis: The wealthy reclusive creator of the world popular 'Tuna Casanova' comic book, fights his comic book advisories, a cat and his bad boyz, the data police, reaffirms his life and prevents a worldwide catastrophe, with the help of his estranged wife and son, his life long mentor - eccentric old professor of comic book history and society, millions of game playing kids, as well as two lovable characters from his youthful long forgotten never published underground comic - when a gang of an inner city gang of young computer hackers, sabotage the gala prime time opening night presentation of the interactive - virtual reality Tuna Casanova --the game version reluctantly volunteers to be the first player of, erupting all of his comic book characters, and locations into New York, and him into Tuna Casanova."

Monday, October 10, 2005

The Passion of the Kiddies

> Congratulations on your successes!!
>> My first feature
>> Trailer on Multimedia page. Also listed on IMDB
>> My children's acting website: Got to promote my kids-- :)
>> Also on IMDB.
>> OK-- why am I contacting you?!?!?!!
>> Well.... I fall under the Desperate Housewife category.
>> Retired from Corporate America 3 years ago- dove into acting with my
>> kids and penned my first script. Shot it, completed it and now
>> "hopefully" will get into all the film festivals I've submitted it to
>> next year 2006.
>> NOW-- I've written a DRAMA. Disturbing, is the word to describe the
>> overall concept of it.
>> WHY? It's based on the 10 o'clock news. So it's about real situations
>> that keep me awake at night because I have children.
>> The script/film will be called something like "a broken child".
>> The script starts out endearing, light, comedic- involving you to
>> adore the main characters, two 10 & 13 years boys. Children
>> today are far more advanced than when we were growing up.
>> The film shows this.
>> The teenagers of today are depicted then we move on to some gritty R
>> rated violence and thrilling moments that will make the audience fear
>> for the lives of our main characters.
>> The movie evolves into peeling off the layers of the lives on the
>> block, their fantasies, their dirty secrets.
>> Some secrets should never come out. In most cases during the early
>> years the secrets don't come out. It's when you are an adult that you
>> get caught.
>> The boys' lives are torn apart by the one secret that will disturb
>> the audience with the end of one of their lives.
>> Finally the message is: No matter what, life goes on.
>> 1 out of 6 males and 1 out 3 females are sexually abused before the
>> age of 18.
>> Child molesters act on their desires as early as the age of 13.
>> Hundreds of thousands of cases are reported every year in the USA
>> alone. Hundreds of thousands of cases go without report.
>> Parents today strive on providing material objects and a future for
>> their kids without paying attention to the "today" they are living
>> in. Life moves so quickly and so does a child molester.
>> The script is completely story driven. It doesn't have a projected
>> big budget. It's an adult movie.
>> It's the eye opener every parent or non-parent needs to see, feel and
>> talk about so there are less secretly traumatized people in the
>> world.
>> Our children are our tomorrow. I would like for my kids to have the
>> best life they can have without all the bullshit.
>> I wrote this film with my two children in mind as the lead
>> characters.
>> I will submit it to script festivals next year.
>> As soon as I sell the comedy, I will prepare for this one.
>> This film will be another "Passion"....why? because when you pick on
>> a subject as delicate as Jesus or your children, people jump.
>> What do I want from you?
>> Represent me- I think that if the supporting characters are name
>> talent- then this movie will be another "Passion". If not it will
>> still have the same effect, it will just take longer to get noticed.
>> It will get noticed.
>> We live in a violent country, perverse and controversial. "a broken
>> child" is all that.
>> I have no money, now. I will eventually- but with the right people
>> on board, I won't have to fund it myself- that's my goal.
>> Let me know what you think,
>> Thanks!

Sounds like my last stay at the Motel 6...

"Welcome to Motel Hell.

Nine of the most notorious and violent serial killers are scheduled for a simultaneous execution.

As the nine killers stand on the gallows, spectators recount the horrific atrocities and unbelievably gruesome murders committed by each condemned killer. There is comfort in the belief that not just one, but all of these killers will soon be executed and banished into the depths of hell.

Wait, just as the execution is about to take place, the earth opens up and swallows all of the condemned, along with their appointed executioner, the warden.

In present day, the warden is now the manager of a small motel, the Motel Hell.

On a dark and rainy night, guests begin to arrive and check into rooms at the Motel Hell. The guests range from a prostitute and her client to drug dealers to gang members to a serial killer.

As guests settle into their rooms and begin their own atrocities, they discover the horror that each motel room is connected to hell, allowing the nine killers to rise from the depths of hell and continue their carnage.

Welcome to horror.

This script takes nine of the most violent killers and puts them into one location. It is horror confined."

Friday, October 07, 2005

Somehow the idea of a gang of "specially trained priests" running after a gang of kids seems wrong...

"A group of children perform a ritual and open the gates of hell, allowing every single demon to roam on earth.

Genre: Thriller/Horror

A powerful satanic book gets lost from the Vatican archives and five centuries later it shows up in America, only that a group of children lay hand on it and perform a ritual which opens the gates of hell and let loose all demons on earth. A group of specially trained priests must stop all these demons before Satan takes over the world. After studying advanced grammar and writing a book I went into screenplay writing."

The Devil went down to Georgia, he was lookin' for a soul to steal...

"No shackles on earth could hold Houdini. But can he escape from hell itself?

Genre: Supernatural Drama

Logline: On his death bed, the great escape artist Harry Houdini promises his wife that if there's an afterlife, he'll come back from the other side to prove it. Upon dying, Houdini is shocked to discover that there is indeed an afterlife -- and he's trapped in a mind-boggling hell. Desperate to reach his wife and prove to the world that he's greater than death, Harry must outwit the Devil -- no slouch himself as an illusionist -- and perform the greatest escape any man has ever attempted."

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Sorry, my friend, but GALAXY QUEST beat you to it.

"Dear entertainment professional,

The leads of Star Trek will go where no actors have gone before. My script is a feature comedy spoof where the actors are confronted with a real space/alien adventure. It is an original, high-concept take-off of Star Trek and its primary characters. The script is truly innovative, unlike any film ever made. That is because the characters are real actors, playing semi-fictitious roles of themselves. Therefore, they spoof themselves and the franchise, while offering true nostalgia for the fans. It was a finalist in the second 2005 Open Door Contest, from scr(i)pt magazine.

Some comments:

'Star Streak is a delightful piece of work. It features a terrific story, real parody, good fun and it is funny as hell! Hanging out with these iconic characters has never been better.' -- A former executive, producer and agent

'A nice spoof of the Star Trek franchise, with a lot of entertaining scenes poking fun at the Trek characters and situations.' -- A former script analyst, 'Star Trek: the Next Generation'"

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

See, I can't remember the 60's, but I've researched my script thoroughly because I can't remember what... wait, what am I doing?

"My script is a teen to senior thrill ride, it celebrates youth, rebellion and dreams. Amid the comedy, passion and devastation of an era crashing down, two buddies face their ultimate sacrifice for their beliefs, and each other."

One boy grows up in the fifties fallout from his communist parents’ paranoia, persecution and disillusionment. His best friend, age 11, sends his father to jail. In the sixties, just when he thinks scary times are behind him, and it’s safe to be cynical and pursue an MBA, his friends and lover become the most wanted and dangerous radicals on campus. Facing severe lifetime consequences, with a premium on loyalty, he must choose between his best friend, his lover or his own future.

Someone said, 'If you remember the sixties, you weren’t there.' Those of us involved, freaks or straights, were often tunnel visionaries. This 4Q screenplay culminates years of extensive research. It’s a gut wrenching story of strange and turbulent times, from both sides."

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I'm so happy that you've managed to sneak in a SAT word!

"To find peace in her soul, a psychologist must rub off the patina covering the sins of both past and present pillars of her community."

Monday, October 03, 2005

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh wait, that's already been done.


Some things are inherently smart. The wheel. Recycling. Albert Einstein. Self-flushing toilets. And Japanese people. I am Japanese, therefore - I've written a smart screenplay. It's commercial. It's high-concept. Ready for mass merchandising. And prime for sequels. It's a children's action/adventure and a musical to boot!

Logline: A young girl ventures to a land covered in eternal ice cream to stop a despotic king from using children as the key ingredients in his own blend of Rainbow Sherbet!

Experience the epic adventure of a thirteen-year old girl as she crusades into the glorious ice cream-filled land of Spumonia. Meet the hilarious pint-sized MARSHMALLOW MEN who hunt and gather like tribal warriors. Meet their pesky nemesis - THE GUMMI BEARS - as they flock across the land in search of the elusive rodent-like CHOCOLATE CHIPS. But brace yourself for her chilling revelation, when she learns of the diabolical plot concocted by Spumonia's very own tyrannical KING NEAPOLITAN NUTTGANGER: he's using children as the special ingredients for his own blend of RAINBOW SHERBET! The girl and her new friends must race against time to save others. They cross flowing rivers of Pineapple topping, battle a mythical Yogurt beast, and have a showdown of the ages with THE FANGLINGS - the spoiled milk-curd army of the King. After a hard fought battle, they are victorious. The King is overthrown. Peace is restored. And she unravels her own personal mystery: she is the rightful heir to the kingdom of Spumonia. Taste the adventure. Live the sweet dream."