Thursday, September 01, 2005

This is like that Law & Order episode where the religious crazy guy worked as a church caretaker but also murdered hookers on the side

"By day, a man works as the caretaker of a church. By night, he moonlights as one of New York's deadliest hit men. Though killing people claws at his conscience, he can't quit; he's working to pay off a debt he owes to a ruthless crime lord, who assassinates anyone who crosses him. His guilt becomes unbearable when he carries out a hit on a mark and the funeral is held at the church where he works. The dead man's fiancée turns to the church-caretaker for solace, and he falls in love with her. Tormented by the ugly secret he can't bear to tell his new love, the caretaker refuses to carry out any more hits, regardless of the consequences to himself. But when his boss comes to the church to exact revenge, all hell breaks loose, and the two of them can't control who will live and who will die."

PS- Only ManagerGuy has full control of this blog, so I can't turn on Word Verification to stop the spam comments. Sorry, folks.

251 Comments:

At 10:31 AM, Blogger but_seriously said...

Yes, I know if I were looking for solace, I would go to church and ask to see the caretaker.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger Meg said...

I hate it when killing people claw at my conscience.

I can picture the scene:
Dead Man's Fiancee: "Oh I am so sad. My fiancee is dead! I need some solace....Hmmm...where do I get solace? I know, the caretaker of the church! He's sort of burly in a Desperate Housewives man kind of way. Bet he's good with his hands. Yoo Hoo, Mr. Caretaker! Please comfort me, I need solace."

Caretaker: "Come get some hot monkey cock."

Sorry, couldn't resist.

 
At 10:45 AM, Blogger pynlies said...

"By day, a man works as the caretaker of a church. By night, he moonlights as one of New York's deadliest hit men"

Who in New York actually goes to church other than 80 year old rabbi’s? If the hit man is an 80 year old rabbi you might sell me on the idea.

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger Security Dog said...

"Hey Cal, have you met Leon?"

Guilt's a terrible affliction for a hit-man, but I think Cusack dealt with it best.

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

If he's New York's deadliest hit man, why doesn't he just kill the ruthless crime lord?

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger sharpie said...

"The dead man's fiancée"

Eeewww, Kinky.

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger max power said...

"he carries out a hit on a mark..."

Thanks for dropping the "cool hitman slang" on us. You really must know what you're talking about.

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

"Midnight in the Garden of Good and Murder"

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

"PS- Only ManagerGuy has full control of this blog, so I can't turn on Word Verification. Sorry, folks."

WE'RE DOOMED!

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

pynlies: When the Witness Protection Program gives you a new identity, don't they usually give you one where the hit men aren't going to know it's you?

 
At 11:35 AM, Blogger pynlies said...

How is that funny?

 
At 11:50 AM, Blogger MDS said...

1) Where is ManagerGuy, anyhow?
2) What's Word Verification and why are we upset that you don't have it?

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

I went to church in NY once and hated it. Too many hit men.

 
At 12:07 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

If this is a Catholic church, all he has to do is go to confession, say a few Hail Mary's, and he's off the hook. The Daily Show's This Week in God recently commented, accurately, that it's no worse than masturbation. Same penance.

Why does the boss have to go to the church to exact revenge? Does this guy live there, too? Most priests live in rectories. Beside the chuch. Unless they live on Craggy Island, where there's no church in sight.

I guess we'll have to endure the Spam a lot.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I think this query would be a lot better if the assassin-caretaker was my Auntie Delirious, who used to be a housekeeper for the priests. She's a bit of a religious nut who, at the present moment, believes that the medal she sent me will protect me from the enormous wave that is about to wash over the entire US (not just New Orleans) and parts of Ireland, wiping out all the sinners.

Since Aunty D would never kill anyone on purpose (she loves everyone, even the gays), we would have to make this a comedy where she unwittingly kills them with praise, as she's been known to do. Maybe the crime boss stumbles upon her secret talent and hires her part time for his Meals On Wheels front. He then sends her to deliver meals to his "marks" and hijinks ensue.

 
At 12:29 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I forgot, there's one glitch with that: If we want her accurately portayed, someone would have to convince Terry Jones to play her in a housedress.

 
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At 12:32 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Thought of you today Taffy. I traded a bond backed by loans for used trailer homes. As part of the due diligence I questioned some of the local bank managers who had approved the loans on the borrowers credit, etc. Basically, I wanted to know what type of person not only purchases a used mobile home, but has to finance it. The best answer I got, "She's got double wide on her mind and he's got single wide in his pocket"

 
At 12:33 PM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Can we have the drunk priest from the previous post? I see Mr. Bean in this role.

Reg, a man with only a single wide while the woman dreams of a double wide is the state of most relationships.

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Dorkman: We are upset about the word verification because without it, it causes us to be spammed. Manager Guy is deceased, having died in a car accident in July.

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

Well I'm looking for solace today. I had one around here somewhere, but I think it fell between the couch pillows...(which are NOT my mother's pillows).

One of the nimrods at Galley Slaves told me I have no sense of humor, so I guess that makes it true.

All I did was point out to them that if they want to pretend they are a serious journal of conservative thought they should talk a little less about who is dating Kirsten Dunst and if bestiality is legal in the sate of Washington. My bad... Well I MIGHT have implied something about having the higher brain centers of a cinnamon bun.... but I still think I have a sense of humor.

About the query, how does one get to be New York's deadliest hit man? Is that a new FOX reality series (THE SEARCH FOR NEW YORK'S DEADLIEST HIT MAN - COMING THIS FALL TO FOX!) or is it like one of those awards the Kiwanas give out at an annual breakfast sort of thing? ( "Thank you all for coming this morning. As I'm sure you know, this year's honoree has had a long and distinguished career. He began by shooting small neighborhood animals when he was 9, and by 15 he was .....")

On the other hand maybe it more like a pagent sort of thing? Is there a tallent contest? (I would assume so). Do they have to shoot someone while wearing formal wear? Do they wear swimsuits? (I would hope not!) ("Vito is wearing a black Speedo swimsuit and and a Rossi leatherette shoulder holster"
"Yes Bob, that hoster is perfect for fast draws and holds a variety of calibers." "Your right Dave, that model can handel either a .25 a .38, or even a full .357 magnum.")

And how would you get entered anyway? I mean you have to win a State level pagent to get to the Miss America contest, so do you have to win a borough level contest to get to "Deadliest Hit Man in New York" contest? Would you be "Mister Gambino Crime Family Hit Man" or "Mister Upper West Side Hit Man" or what? One would think the cops would eventually notice something like this... especially once it got broadcast on cable. (Well maybe not if it was on Bravo!, but on other networks...)

And isn't "Deadliest Hit Man" inherently sexist? Shouldn't it be "Deadliest Hit PERSON"? Can we file a Title IX suit here?

And meg, what are you still doing with a conscience? And you call yourself a lawyer!!! Sheesh, at my school you had to bring proof that you had had your conscience surgically removed before they would let you sit for the bar, much less register at the placement office!


So many questions, so little solace, and absolutely no sense of humor...
sigh..

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger Meg said...

They tried to remove my conscience but I knee capped 'em.

 
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At 12:55 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

eg, Isn't getting financing for a trailer the same thing as getting financing for a pack of cigarettes? Same price range, and you have a few options: You can send the kid to the store to buy a piece of Bazooka Joe with a $20 tramp stamp and use the change to buy the trailer, or you can dig around in the couch for change. The only real challenge is, when you get the money, you don't buy scratch tickets with it.

 
At 12:57 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Sorry, Reg. Someone made off with your R in my last post.

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Good one Meg. I'd pass your double wide joke on to my wife but she'd probably start to cry.

 
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At 1:04 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Taffy, that's pretty much what I came away with after talking to the loan officers. And they did warn me to expect most of the monthly payments to be made in scratch tickets. I kind of like owning the bonds. It's like being a slum lord but you never have to see or speak with the tennants. Perfect.

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

I think my favorite part is where the hit man and the mob boss "can't control who will live and who will die." Did they control that before? Cuz that's a pretty big cosmic weapon to wield over the universe.

Maybe at the end of the movie, Jesus comes down and kicks both their asses with an Xtreme crucifix. That would be a movie worth watching.

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

I only hope this thing ends with a BCPhil-esque gunfight. The hitman kills off 15-20 gangsters in slow motion while "In A Gadda Da Vida" plays in the background, possibly played on the church's organ by the fiancée like the did it in "The Simpsons".

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

I just put Harvey Weinstein on hold. WTF?

Manager Guy is A-LIVE?

All that drug-induced canoodling with rentaboys and Carrot Top and he's...A-LIVE?

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Say it's so, Gwendesharko!

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger Storm said...

Damn, I wish I could be a hit woman in order to pay off all my student loans. Great idea!

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger pynlies said...

I rather be a hit (in the nuts) man. I don't condone killing but a good crack to the nuts would do some people some good. To get paid for that, well that's always been a dream of mine. I guess i should have been a lawyer, that's pretty close right?

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger katiescarlet said...

I liked the comment that if he is a hit man, then why can't he kill the mob boss, that seems like the obvious solution to me too!

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger pynlies said...

Ok so I want an 80 year old rabbi who goes around hitting people in the nuts with his cane. Than a mob boss comes by and all hell breaks loose as they put a hit on each other marks.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

I hate it when all hell breaks loose in a church.

Don't go breakin' my heart.
  I couldn't if I tried.
Honey, I killed your boyfriend.
  Baby, you're not that kind.

Don't go breakin' my heart.
  Don't point that gun at me.
Sorry, it's force of habit.
  Ooh, engage the safety.

Ooh-ooh! Nobody knows it.
  My boss is a dick.
'Cause he's Catholic.
  Ooh-ooh! Nobody knows it.
He's come to kill.
  I think you should chill.
Oh, oh, I think you should chill.

So don't go breakin' my heart.
  I won't go breakin' your heart.
Don't go breakin' my herat.

Just completed my last hit.
  You were cleanin' the toilet.
And met you at the funeral, babe.
  Whoa, and I was so horny.

So, don't misunderstand me.
  You put the light in my life.
No, I used to be an assassin.
  I've got your heart in my sights.

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger Seamus MacArthur said...

What's an 80 year old rabbi doing at a church? Shouldn't he be hanging out in the synagogue?

What's next, priests abusing little Jewish boys?

Nuns cracking Morman kids' knuckles with rulers?

So a rabbi, a church caretaker, and a mob boss ... etc, etc ... and the bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

(New poster here -- I've loved this site for months. Months!!!)

 
At 3:02 PM, Blogger pynlies said...

I saw the error but chose to ignore it. I used the word "church" very loosely the way a fat person might look at a K.F.C., just a place to and worship what you love. I see your point though, and a plastic adhesive bandage is not necessarily a band-aid. I like the Nuns cracking Mormon kid’s knuckles though. Maybe the rabbi falls for the knuckle cracking Nun, that’s why he’s at the church. Seamless.

 
At 4:07 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

I don't know what makes me more upset...the fact that we've been led to believe Manager Guy had gone to That Great Notes Meeting in The Sky or that I paid RETAIL for my "Missy Kitty Princess Magic Castle Bed".

Man, I hate my life...but not as much as I hate this query.

 
At 8:05 PM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

OK,

I admit that I am out of it, (but I got used to that in High School).

If gwen is right about Manager Guy being alive I will be most happy and thankful to know it is true. Please let me know.

Meg, good for you with the whole kneecaping thing. My Irish half (father's side) salutes you. Unfortunatley my other half (mother's side) is English. Thusly I have a deep instict to blow up my own car, then report myself to the cops, then kneecap myself in retaliation.... it gets ugly at times. I'm my own private ever escalating cycle of violence... which I guess is like my own private Idaho, but I never saw that movie.

(And given the population per square mile in Idaho, how could you really tell if you were the only one there or not?)

Bargaintuan, your songs are FANTASTIC... somehow I always have the feeling I'm going to spend extra time in Purgatory for liking them so much, but they are so dammed funny I can't fail to laugh at loud at them...(which gets me some strange looks from the boss...)


Oh, gwen, please take Harvey Weinstein off hold now. I'm a big fan and hate to think of him still sitting there listening to hold music....

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At 8:40 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

All right, Empress, I'm afraid it's time for you to break your silence. What's the deal with ManagerGuy?

 
At 6:24 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Bargaintuan, I want to have your babies. You had me with the spinning Tardis a couple months ago, but since you've become a rock star, I'm such a groupie.

And now for something completely different:

What makes anyone think ManagerGuy is alive?

 
At 7:38 AM, Blogger COLOfilm said...

Bill Murray plays an assistant groundskeeper at a church by day and a hitman with an overactive bladder by night in... "The Incontinent Gardener"

Who lives and who dies is not all they can't control.

 
At 8:31 AM, Blogger Meg said...

I think the confusion regarding manager guy arises from Empress's comment that only Manager Guy has full control of the blog, so she can't change the settings to keep out the spambots. BUT, I took that to mean we were doomed to blog with the spambots because Manager Guy is no longer with us.

Ahh Larry, I am Irish and Welsh, so all in all, I hate the English. But, I am such a sucker for the accent. So, bottom line is, I would totally do Clive Owen but then I would hate myself afterwards.

 
At 8:51 AM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Empress: I think, under the circumstances, you can contact Blogger support and have them give you full access to this blog.

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger kojled said...

the caretaker and the crime lord shoot it out in the church in the end. both are killed.

there. now we don't need to read this script

 
At 11:52 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Kojled, this sounds like Willy the groundskeeper and Fat Tony meet in a Simpson's episode. I would watch that. Otherwise, this just plain sucks.

As for a hired gun with a conscience: well, it's a nice idea but I don't believe someone who is at the top of their trade has that much of a conscience left.

As they say
"In theory, practice and theory should be the same. In practice, they rarely are."

 
At 12:27 PM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

My rationale behind thinking MG is still alive is that she used "has" instead of the past tense, God rest his soul "had". Well, that and 6 Pinot Grigio's (it's hot here ok) at Orso for lunch...

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger annumarie said...

What would make this query interesting is if the writer took the low road and made his "caretaker" or whatever he is unfeeling. I am so sick and tired of the redemption crap. If he is the best hitman I doubt his emotions are in a state receptive to a weepy widow ready to be "solaced". Why not have him kill people, sleep with her, kill the mob boss, and when he tells her the truth it is to hurt her more because that is the only thing he's good at, hurting people, duh! Then have someone shoot him, a cop, divine justice, whatever, and then the writer for being such an unoriginal tosser.

"Ahh Larry, I am Irish and Welsh, so all in all, I hate the English. But, I am such a sucker for the accent. So, bottom line is, I would totally do Clive Owen but then I would hate myself afterwards." - Meg

Well in order to better understand your feelings, I guess I will just have to sleep with Clive Owen again and again until I hate myself because that's the kind of nice person I am.

 
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Actually, when I stop to consider some of my exes (never a pleasant undertaking unless fueled by alcohol), I think I'd definitely seek solace with a hitman. Think about it - it's a growth industry, and he gets rid of his aggression at work, plus your boss would have to promote you... Ok, I'm off to match.com to set this baby up.

 
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=============================================
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