Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Mighty [Lame] Aphrodite

"I would like to submit my female-driven romantic comedy in the vein of Hitch.

Logline: When an unlucky-in-love New York City librarian gets help from the sassy, sophisticated goddess Aphrodite with scoring her dream date with the hunk at work, she tries everything from a makeover to magic potion, ultimately succeeding in turning her crush into the perfect boyfriend, but winds up finding true love where she least expected it--in her best friend.

A librarian has a crush on the hunk at work. The problem is, she's more invisible to him than air. Enter Aphrodite-goddess in rock star clothing. Aphrodite aids the librarian in her quest to win the hunk over, with the help a jaw-dropping makeover and a little magic potion. Aphrodite's help works, much to the chagrin of the librarian's best friend, neighbor and would-be boyfriend. With the help of this little infatuation potion, the librarian finally has the hunk eating out of the palm of her hand when her friend reveals his long-repressed amorous feelings to her just as she is about to meet the hunk for a big date. The two quarrel and she goes on her date, only to realize mid-dance that she is in love with her best friend after all. She comes clean with the hunk about the potion, and leaves him at the restaurant to find her friend at home, where the two are finally united."

126 Comments:

At 2:20 PM, Blogger annumarie said...

Query writer might want to realize that Aphrodite is a vain and self absorbed, only doing things to pleasure herself. Yay for her! So why would she ever help this pathetic librarian? U can't use greek myth just to satisfy a slot character role without at least looking up the character. Read a book Query writer!

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger sharpie said...

How many hunks work at a library? And why does using the word "hunk" hurt my brain? I must be waking up the brain cells I havn't used since the 80's.

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger Security Dog said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 2:34 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

This is certainly a hunk of something.

 
At 2:34 PM, Blogger Security Dog said...

I think the query writer got the wrong Aprodite: he/she meant that Aphrodite's Child, legendary Greek synth-pop band, aids the librarian with her quest for love.

(Note: Everything has 'a quest' these days. And there's always 'redemption'. What book are they reading?)

Anyway, it all goes wrong in the restaurant when Vangelis plays a honking, over-the-top score, and Demis Roussos wears a US Army surplus tent and squawks 'Forever and Ever'. The band breaks up,she confesses to poisoning the hunk (who is played by George Michael anyway for irony purposes); and the librarian goes home and finds love and redemption in the form of her neighbour, who is ironing his collection of Thompson Twins T-Shirts.

I reckon that, if made, this would last 20 minutes, max.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger pynlies said...

"I would like to submit my female-driven romantic comedy"

No wonder it sucks so bad! The only thing worse would be an old asian driving it, they go like 20 in a 60!

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger pynlies said...

"librarian finally has the hunk eating out of the palm of her hand"

She couldn't think of a better place a hunk could eat out of? I thought Librarians were smart!

 
At 2:51 PM, Blogger annumarie said...

I can't really see Hunk as anything good looking. All I think of is a portion of cow fat and the incredible Hulk...which was Eric Bana....ah Eric Bana...
Only saving grace of "Troy" and disturbingly good in "Chopper"
Eric Bana makes me happy.

 
At 2:57 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

I suddenly got a flashback to the Vanna White Goddess of Love movie. Help.

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger Yowza wowza said...

Hunk-a, hunk-a burning shit.

 
At 4:17 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Wasn't this an episode of Xena: Warrior Princess?

Or maybe Xena: Powerful Nanny?

 
At 4:25 PM, Blogger kiwidebra said...

Sadly enough, I do know that this is the basic plot for the movie "Love Potion No. 9" with Sandra Bullock. I'm guessing someone was up late watching Lifetime.

 
At 5:14 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

At least she named ONE character. That's better than most of the queries.

 
At 6:09 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Female-driven romantic comedy...is there any other kind?

If you've got a hunk over at the library, chances are that he's a homosexual hunk--still desperate if the poor guy's working at the library, but definitely G-A-Y. Which means the jaw-dropping makeover involves sequins and a headress of some sort (which would make the timid librarian look exactly like the sassy sophisticated goddess herself). Or it could just involve a simple penis. (I'll leave any "magic potion" comments for the Poster Formerly Known as Penlies.)

The rest of the query just makes me think that the writer spend the entire weekend on the loveseat eating Ho-Hos while engaged in her own private Lifetime Movie Marathon.

 
At 6:10 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Spent.

 
At 6:51 PM, Blogger annumarie said...

Don't you just love it when people write out there fantasies as if the rest of the world cared?

She should stick to the ho-hos. Realized pleasure at least rather than the gay hunk.

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger but_seriously said...

Taffy, you beat me to it. Female-driven romantic comedy? WTF? As if straight guys careda bout rom-com at all, much less 'drive' it.

Also, since the best friend is always the least expected love interest who turns out to be the true love, doesn't that make the best frient the most expected love interest?

I hate when I realize things mid-dance. It really screws up my rhythm.

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger charoop said...

i can't even do that ridiculous run-on sentence in one breath.

and who says 'hunk' anymore? call him a 'fox' here and there, ffs, mix it up a little.

 
At 9:42 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

But Seriously, You know what I really hate--and it's happened to me enough times to be a little annoying: I hate it when you realize mid-First Dance that you just married the wrong guy. There's nothing worse than to be twirling away to Leather & Lace in the Knights of Columbus hall with the mechanic of your dreams after waiting 18 months for him to get out of jail on consecutive assault charges, only to look over his shoulder and see the fluorescent lights hitting the captain of your dart team just right, turning him into a total hunk. It makes cutting the cake your step-aunt made out of Ho-Hos simply gut-wrenching. All I can say is thank you, Jesus, for the Allen's coffee brandy. Especially if you're already pregnant.

 
At 9:44 PM, Blogger Neb said...

Awwww...it's kinda sweet, you know? Problem is, it's not very interesting, unique, or two-dimensional (let alone three-dimensional). It reads like a concept more than a query.

 
At 10:07 PM, Blogger COLOfilm said...

Helena Bonham Carter is Maid Marian, whose decimal system gets dewey everytime she sees the deaf-mute shelf-stacker, Conan the Librarian (Gov. Arnold S).

After going on a near-fatal botox and liposuction bender, and slipping enough Viagra in Conan's Nalgene to make him sport redwood for a week, Marian realizes that her only true love, Wonder Boy (played by a Louisville Slugger and 4 D-cell batteries) has been in her bedside table the whole time.

 
At 2:05 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

This logline makes my brain hurt, which is astounding considering the damage I did to it in the 90s... So will the happy ending include a drunk priest and a bridesmaid with Tourettes?

 
At 5:42 AM, Blogger dodgeperry said...

I originally read the "...where she least expected it--in her best friend." line to mean the librarian falls in love with the Aphrodite chick that gave her the love potion. That would be intersting in a Cinemax kind of way.

 
At 6:33 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

dodgeperry: My thoughts exactly. You beat me to it.

I always hate these makeover movies, because all they ever do is take her glasses off and do her hair and makeup. The only movie I ever saw where the before and after chicks were played by two different women was the British version of SheDevil (not the Roseanne version).

 
At 6:34 AM, Blogger jaimilyn said...

stupid query, I now have the "Love Potion Number Niieeiiieeeiiine" song stuck in my head

 
At 7:47 AM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

cliche(yawn)tastic

can't even summon the energy for an apostro....

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

Damn you, Jaimilyin, damn you to hell! Now I've got the tune in my head too.

 
At 8:15 AM, Blogger Thomas said...

Is it just me or is the synopsis a few acts short of the standard three? Shouldn't there be, like, complications and things?

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger boredinchicago said...

what i'm on vacation for a week and all the spammers are gone!? they must be following me. they were all out in the hamptons weren't they!

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

No, the spammers aren't gone. They come and go like a plague of locusts.

Working title: Conan The Librarian

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger KevMont said...

"and leaves him at the restaurant to find her friend at home, where the two are finally united."

Why would the hunk find her freind at home? Are these two gay?

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger Meg said...

"With the help of this little infatuation potion"

Jack and cokes?

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger isolde said...

Taffy:

Flame away, but please leave Stevie out of it. I've stalked people for lesser insults to the Belladonna.

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger max power said...

Thanks to romantic comedies, I ALWAYS expect the main character to fall in love with her best friend.

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger Kevin T. said...

"Query writer might want to realize that Aphrodite is a vain and self absorbed, only doing things to pleasure herself. Yay for her! So why would she ever help this pathetic librarian? U can't use greek myth just to satisfy a slot character role without at least looking up the character. Read a book Query writer!"

Aphrodite has been protrayed in many different ways throughout the decades. How about you read a book and watch a few movies?

 
At 6:19 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

"Query writer might want to realize that Aphrodite is a vain and self absorbed, only doing things to pleasure herself."

I'm vain and self absorbed and the rest i have no comment on.

 
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