I hope there's a lot of legwork involved... heh, heh
"An injured war veteran returns home to San Francisco and ends up helping his detective brother solve a murder mystery.
Genre: Drama / Mystery
A man comes home from Iraq less a foot (it was blown off by a landmine) but no less committed to his dream of becoming a police detective for the SFPD, just like his brother. But despite his status as a war hero (which earns him the admiration of his brother's commanding officer and the admiration of a pretty family friend), the man refuses to concede that his goal of making the force is a bit unrealistic."
posted by The Empress @ 9:56 AM
206 comments
206 Comments:
How is he going to be a gumshoe if he's missing a foot?
I have nothing to do with the film industry aside from watching some films and reading this blog, so I am not making comments based on professional knowledge.
Query Writer: The description does not include any plot lines from the original query statement. You must be really stupid because even I know that the two things have to match.
Gary Sinise is "Lieutenant Dan, Jr."
they're called inspectors in SF.
oops...i forgot to put the end of my movie.
...the man refuses to concede that his goal of making the force is unrealistic...finally, he is arrested for harassment. he goes to trial, prosecuted by meg of course, and is told with a wink to the camera, that he doesn't have a leg to stand on. as the courtroom bursts into laughter, he snaps and begins killing all of them with the ak-47 he smuggled back from the war. his brother then has to solve the mystery of who killed everyone in the courtroom.
fin.
"But despite his status as a war hero"
First off they don't have landmines in Iraq, they have I.E.D.'s (Improvised Explosive Device). Now my question is how does getting hit by one make you a hero? I think it makes you stupid. I once got hit by a car, am I a hero too?
Did you seriously just call thousands of war veterans stupid?
i'm guessing that your being hit by a car was no accident.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
dodgeperry said...
Did you seriously just call thousands of war veterans stupid?
Yes.
By your logic all the “terrorists” that we have wounded or killed could be labeled heroes too. They are also war veterans. How about the dead Nazi’s can we call them heroes too? We blew the shit out of them. They were missing a few legs I'm sure.
so, in climax of act iii, the protag is forced to concede his goal is a (bit) unrealistic? this if the emotional climax? this concession?
um, this idea doesn't have legs
Footloose II -- All Growed Up
My Right Foot
"30 Odd Foot of Grunts" starring Russell "Phone Thrower" Crow.
Man: I want to join the force!
CO: I'm sorry, you can't.
Man: Why not?
CO: You have no foot. But I admire you.
Man: I refuse to concede that my goal is unrealistic!
CO: Unrealistic is an understatement, it's impossible. Cops need two feet.
Man: But I want to join the force!
CO: You can't.
Man: Why not?
And so on for 90 minutes. Brilliant.
So, do detectives do a lot of running? I could see his dream being a bit unrealistic if he lost both his eyes but they do make prosthetic feet.
I smell an ADA lawsuit.
Cop: You want answers?
Cripple: I think I'm entitled to them.
Cop: You want answers?
Cripple: I want the truth!
Cop: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has criminals. And those criminals have to be caught by men with feet. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Mr. Cripple? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for your foot and you curse the Police. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that the loss of your foot, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want a foot. You need a foot.
We use words like honor, code, loyalty, feet...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide with my feet, then questions the feet with which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up your remaining foot and stand next to a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!
Cripple: Do I need both feet?
Cop: (quietly) You need to do the job in the job description.
Cripple: Do I need BOTH FEET?!
Cop: You're goddamn right you DO!!
Yes, Iraq has IEDs, but even if it was a landmine, you'd lose way more than just a foot if you stepped on one.
I don't know about calling them heroes (although I think anyone who does time there probably deserves it) but if you're injured in a combat zone, you do qualify for a Purple Heart so that counts for something.
Wasn't there some asinine TV show about a blind detective who could *smell* evidence? If that was made, then of course we'll soon be seeing this one foot, two foot, cop foot, no foot movie.
Movie Title: Wish Little Piggy
Movie Title: CSI: Prosthetic Unit
I'm thinking "Ironfoot: CSI"
too funny, inspector clouseau!
At 10:54 AM, pynlies said...
"But despite his status as a war hero"
First off they don't have landmines in Iraq, they have I.E.D.'s (Improvised Explosive Device). Now my question is how does getting hit by one make you a hero? I think it makes you stupid. I once got hit by a car, am I a hero too?
No, by your own logic, you are stupid. I have not been hit by a landmine, IED, or car therefore I am smart.
Blind Justice was the blind cop show. I thought it was going to be a comedy.
I like how the war hero status earns him the respect of only two people.
Dear Pajiba, isn't it time for a new photo? You can borrow mine if you'd like. I've never been in movies, but I think I look pretty damn hot in my peach polyester skirt and matching date. I'd like to write reviews for you loosely based on the movies I may or may not go to--all of which I would somehow relate to my cats.
cripples make me so mad with their sad efforts at a normal life.
Clearly you have all misinterpreted the first line of the query. It says the man comes home from Iraq "less a foot." Obviously, the man came back 12 inches shorter, and no longer meets the SFPD height requirements. It's a Verne Troyer vehicle.
maybe sally is on to something. maybe he comes home less a foot...meaning he is 12 inches away from being home. maybe he is 12 inches away from everything: he drops his application to be a cop, he waits just outside the door for the interview, he stands next to the squad car when he's supposed to do a ride along.
Title: A Foot Too Far
It only needs a little tweaking, really:
"An injured war veteran returns home to San Francisco and ends up helping his detective brother solve a murder mystery because all the other detectives are clueless, or busy creating new, wittier screensavers.
Genre: Drama/Mystery/Male-Driven Rom-Com
A man comes home from Iraq less a foot (he left it out in front of the store for just a second, secured to the bubblegum machine, and the next thing he knew it was GONE!) but no less committed to his dream of using nepotism to weasel his way into the SFPD, even though he only has one leg to stand on (sorry). But despite his status as a war hero (he told everyone a landmine blew his foot off, even though it would have blown off a lot more and isn't called a landmine over there--thereby earning the admiration of the only two people who believe his crap story, one of which is pretty and a girl, which is something he always wanted to try before turning 40), the man refuses to concede that his goal of leaping straight into the detective bureau without first having to do his time in patrol is a bit unrealistic (even though his brother is a detective, everyone). He gets Inspector Gadget on the horn and together they devise a foot so Xtreme, so bionic, so utterly useful for opening beer bottles, that he gets hired and is immediately made chief so he doesn't have to do anything, save a few press releases. At his swearing-in ceremony, he opens a really good microbrew bottle for the pretty girl and she shows him, in the equipment room, how she opens beer bottles with her bionic..."
I've just been told to stop there.
Actually there was a blind insurance investigator back in the 70's called Longstreet.
Frankly, I think the whole investigator / detective with a handicap is way overdone. Ironsides, Longstreet, that deaf chick, the other blind justice guy, Monk (what's his problem, anyway?) and anyone who can't find their razor for 3 days in a row.
Since this query is supposed to be a murder mystery, it would be nice to know what the hell the murder was. It used to be they didn't give the characters names. Now they don't even mention them. Sheesh!
pynlies,
My question wasn't regarding whether to call a wounded soldier a hero. I questioned your comment that someone who was wounded was stupid.
I spent four years in the Army (never in combat), but my experince in training simulations suggests that being wounded isn't a factor of intelligence, but rather chance. Just being at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I don't want to go off on a rant, but my grandfather died in WWII. According to the reports, he was riding in a truck that was bombed. Now, how would intelligence protect you in that situation? Was my grandfather smart or stupid? I don't know. But the answer to that question didn't determine the path of the bomb nor the speed at which the driver drove nor the direction that the driver took.
Defend your statement. Is every wounded veteran stupid?
They'd let him back into the war, if he wanted. I've seen people missing a foot back in action in Iraq on CNN. So, why would being on a police force be unrealistic?
You could never know what it's like.
You step on a landmine and it really bites,
And you're goin' home now that you're less a foot.
You're a bonafide war hero and that should be good.
I tried to join up with the police force.
They didn't want a guy that's less a foot, of course.
And even though my brother's boss thinks I'm OK,
That doesn't help me get to shoot people legally.
Don't you know I'm still standin', better than I ever did.
Lookin' like Iraq's survivor, feelin' like a little kid.
I'm still standin', on a prosthetic foot.
Pickin' up the pieces of my life with no one left to shoot.
I'm still standin'. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I'm still standin'. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Geeze...
Here we go, I hate doing this but you took it Sooo personal I'll indulge you. War is stupid. You can extrapolate from there.
GROUCHO: Tibia, oh tibia, say have you seen tibia...
CHICO: Where's the footses. boss?
ZEPPO: I lost one in Iraq.
CHICO: Iraq? The eye-rack?
ZEPPO: Iraq.
CHICO: Datsa wotta I said: Da eye-rack. You mean Tie-Rack? Let'sa go to da Airoport. We getta da Ties for da feetses. Oh..you gotta only da one feetses.
GROUCHO: We need a detective. And not a flatfoot.
HARPO enters dressed in top hat and brown coat, carrying a GOOSE
GOOSE: HONK!!
GROUCHO: Officer make this man concede his goal of being in the force is unrealistic.
ZEPPO: But I'm a war hero. (sings as orchestra swells)
I came back
From Iraq
Five toes
Less than Normal
So I thought
My entry bought
Into the force
Would be formal
But they say no
Another blow
They seem to come
In big parcels
My idea of fun
Is a badge and gun
And a full set
Of Metatarsels
HARPO: HONK!!
pynlies: you are entitled to your opinion, but when people become irritated with you because they took it "personally" it's becuase they have PERSONAL reasons. It's like you stepping on a landmine and getting your foot blown off then calling the landmine stupid.
Thanks for clearing that up.
Bargaintuan, that may be your finest work yet. Kudos, my friend.
Dodgeperry, please don't take the rantings of pynlies/penlies seriously. He frequently espouses opinions that are more than a tad inflammatory, often misongynistic, and woefully uninformed. When he's funny, as with the Few Good Men riff, he's very, very funny. But when he's in the mood to piss someone off, he usually succeeds.
As for you penlies/pynlies: I think it's time to double up on your meds, buddy. Crank the hostility meter down to Sam Kinison level.
Gee thanks Mustang. Where would humor be without fat mamma jokes? My mom is huge and I laugh my ass off at those. Anal warts? Hilarious! Pissing people off..super funny. "angels have wings because they take themsleves lgihtly" Robin Williams
'Iraq less a foot' could also mean a foot from Iraq, which would be any of the bordering countries.
It doesn't say the pretty family friend is a girl, so he could be gay to boot.
"War is stupid" Do you know anything about world war II? It was incredibly necessary for the US and the other allies to fight against Hitler and his insane plot to rid the world of all non-aryans, specifically the Jews and the gypsies. Hitler starting the war was stupid, but the allies refusing to give in to his insanity was not. Show respect for those who fought for America.
No.
Is that you, Jane Fonda?
Necessary and stupid are not mutually exclusive...where are all these non-funny people coming from anyway. Isn't Fox news on somewhere?
Bring Meg back, she was funny while slamming me.
Pynlies, Penlies, etc.
I haven't been to Iraq, but when I'm not playing lawyer I do do the Army reserve thing. I spent 5 months in Qatar and one working my ass off in Kuwait, the rest stateside. My brother in law is in Afghanistan hunting Osama as I write this. He was in Desert Storm 1 too. My Dad flew a B-24 in WW2. Visited Ploesti amongst other scenic spots. One of his brothers flew DC-3s over the hump to get supplies into the CBI. Another was a navigator on a B-17 (or maybe he was a bombardier, I don't recall).
My Mom was born in England in the 1930s. Two of her relatives died in the RAF. Another was in the original Commandos, he was in Nigeria and was wounded in Holland, but he lived through the war. My granddad was an English Cop and was shot by the IRA. One of his brothers was in the Royal Navy and fought at Jutland on the HMS Malaya.
My Grandmother's father (my great-grandfather) was in the Royal Inniskilling Fusilers. He served in the Bore War and in WW1. Lived through the war, came home to Dublin, and died of the great flu of 1918 (talk about irony). Grandma was chased out of her house during the Easter Rising as the IRA was looking for her dad (to kill him, what with him being a British officer and all). He was in France at the time so they didn't get him.
The Luftwaffe spent several years dropping bombs in, on, and around my Mom buring WW2, what with her living in and near London. A V-2 nearlly got her when she was in St. James station. One of the most memorable moments of my life was when we were in the Smithsonian Air and Space museum in the late 1970s and we came around the corner and saw a V-2. She gasped and jumped back about two feet.
My wife's family comes from the East End of London, the Luftwaffe put considerable effort into their own special version of "urban renewal" in that neighborhood too. Her mom still has phobias from the air raid shelters. My wife's Granddad was also in WW1. He enlisted at 15, and fought through the war in the trenches of the Western Front. I saw his enlistment papers and war records. He shouldn't have lived through what he did, (Somme) but he was VERY lucky. His nickname was "lucky Chris" and people used to rub his head for luck before they went over the top. One of HIS brothers was also in the Royal Navy, and was at Jutland, so my son has two relatives that were there.
It is a family tradition that my mother's family is decended from a man named "William Son of Gerald" who fought with William the Conqueror at Hastings in 1066.
Gee... I can't for the life of me see why people would be PERSONALLY offended by your calling all veterans stupid.
Maybe you are an EMT or a doctor or a judge and you use your brain to make a seirous contribution to society. Maybe there is more to you than we see here. I would like to think that is the case. If that is so I would certianly respect you and whatever accomplishments you have and whatever contribution it is that you make. Then again I'm stupid and unfunny, so that respect may not count for a lot.
BTW to answer your question, "I once got hit by a car, am I a hero too? " Well it depends. IF you got hit after you had deliberately chosen to put yourself at risk in order to protect others, or to protect your nation, then you would be. If you got hit while pushing someone else out of the way of the car, then yes, you certianly would be a hero. No question about that. It is all about making a personal sacrifice for the public good.
If however you got hit by a car because your head was so far up your ass you couldn't see it coming, or because you were so wrapped up in your own ego you didn't notice that you were running right in front of it... well that would pretty much be what I expect of you.
The Vet comes home. He figures out who the killer is, sets up a clever trap. The killer gets away by the simple expedent of RUNNING AWAY, while our hop-a-long hero tries in vain to keep up.
This causes the vet to get a segway scooters. It's his trademark. We'll paint it black and white and put lights and sirens on it.
I smell spin off series here! "Law and Order Segway Vehicle Unit" (Or maybe we can get him a Chevy Tahoe, then it can be Law and Order SUV and deal with crimes in the suburbs.)
To think this query letter led to this makes me hate it even more.
I say the warrior nanny gives query writer a spanking and lets the sharkos eat his corpse and scatter the left overs to the wasteland of shape shifters where a surpirse twist will change his life forever without any punctuations.
Warror Nanny!!
Oh man that is classic!!
Can we bring back Lucy Lawless? PLEASE???
Lucy Lawless was fantastic! Maybe she could have the footless wannabe copper as her bad guy?
So will it be Panlies, Ponlies, Pinlies, or Punlies now?
A vet can be a woman these days....Lucy Footless
Sorry Larry your post was over three lines so I kinda tuned out after a bit. It was starting to sound like your family has killed a lot of people though, congrats.
Everyone seems to be very upset that I got hit by a car. Well you can all relax I actually made that up. I would rather push any one of you into a car than get hit myself.
Xena: Powerful Nanny again.
Head Cop: Mr. Spigott, I believe?
Vet: Yes — Spigott by name, Spigott by nature.
HC: Now, Mr. Spigott you are, I believe, applying to be a policeman?
Vet: Right.
HC: Now, Mr. Spigott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.
Vet:You noticed that?
HC: I noticed that, Mr. Spigott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spigott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the job of policeman— a job which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged person.
Vet: Correct.
HC: And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the job.
Vet: Right.
HC: A job for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.
Vet: Very true.
HC: Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.
Vet: The leg division?
HC: Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spigott. You are deficient in it — to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the job. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said ‘A lovely leg for the job.’ I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is — neither have you. You fall down on your left.
Vet: You mean it's inadequate?
HC: However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the job, I should have no hesitation in saying ‘Get out. Run away’.
Vet: So there's still a chance?
HC: There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged applicants in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you'll land this vital job. Failing two-legged applicants, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.
Vet: Well... thank you very much.
HC: So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you.
Whoever thinks war is stupid must love adolf hitler and sadaam hussain. why do you love despots, hippy?
Well they both have totally cute facial hair, but I think the Fuhrer has passed on. So oh my god! I guess I'll stick with Saddamy. Plus he's down for hanging out in a sweaty hole.
OK, enough with the abusing of Penlies / Pynlies / Punlies, whatever. He can be quite funny sometimes.
Let's stick with the abusing of the query writer, and make your updates FUNNY people. I come here for a good laugh, so I can get through my job and go home sane.
This idea is way better than the guy who tries to become a cop after being decapitated...wait...he should have quite while he was ahead!
Sorry. (walks away in shame)
I mean quit...obviously I'm not an english teacher.
Actually the more serious they take me the funnier it gets!
The problem, Dream Bweaver, is that we've been picking over this query for too long. In the abscence of good fresh meat we apparently turn on each other. Plus we have no bumper nuts or slutty escort services to tide us over.
The writer forgot to add "Wackiness Ensues" at the end.
This is a great thread. And a great movie to match. Well done.
The
Coolest Guy On The Planet
Sheesh, "Bore War" indeed. It's "Boer," but the typo -was- more appropriate. As Homer says, Be More Funny!
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