Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Risky Business II: Old Hat

"My script follows a college senior as he attempts to complete a successful summer internship. When his coveted position at a prestigious investment bank falls through, he is forced to go with Plan B - a job at a brothel. With a scholarship and his future on the line, he must produce an academic paper on his experience at a place not noted for scholarly pursuits."

301 Comments:

At 10:24 AM, Blogger boredinchicago said...

i like it!!! hot frat boys, naked chicks. does it even need a plot!! just make it spring break instead of summer and you've got a hit!!!!

 
At 10:28 AM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

One call girl is funny (Risky Business, Pretty Woman), but a whole brothel of 'em is extremely not funny (The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas).

Also, what would this wacky college boy be doing at a brothel? Janitor? Bartender? There aren't a lot of different or interesting jobs there, now that recorded music has made "piano player" obsolete.

 
At 10:31 AM, Blogger isolde said...

Would someone so whitebread as to have been hired (at least tentatively) at an investment bank really stand a chance of being hired at a brothel?

Student: Hi, I'm reporting for the first day of my internship.

Hooker # 1: Narc! Narc!

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

You know, you'd have to be a really pathetic loser for Plan B to be working at a brothel.

Maybe he should have gone for Plan 9?

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Can we call it "Risky Business 2"?

 
At 11:00 AM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

So, he's forced to write a paper about his experience?

Don't wish it away.
Don't look at it like it's forever.
Between you and me, I could honestly say
That things can only get better.

And while I'm away
Cleanin' the jizz off the walls
And floors and ceiling, please won't you check
To see if that bank job opens up.

And I guess I'll write my paper on this.
Twenty-odd pages about cleanin' up jizz,
Picking up condoms, and sometimes feces,
Treated to freebies, getting diseases.
And I guess I'll write my paper on this.

 
At 11:05 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Woops, sorry Empress, Next time I'll read your comment before adding my own.

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger but_seriously said...

Bweaves, I agree.

Bank: Sorry, kid, you didn't get that internship you applied for.

College student: Shit, I guess I'll have to go with the job at the brothel then.

It is possible that the query writer is young enough to have not seen Risky Business, I guess.

 
At 11:14 AM, Blogger Dan said...

This sounds like wishful thinking on the query writer's part. I would think you could get a better job in some other retail sector unless the college he goes to is so pathetic as to only offers its students two choices one of which is really good, the other really terrible.

Prof: Here are your intern choices. You can go work at the really prestigious law farm of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe [apologies to Klik and Klak] or you can work at the plasma bank as permanent donor.

Student: Gee, professor. I think the plasma gig sounds like a much more enriching experience. Let's go with that.

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

I can only think of two colleges that would approve an internship at a brothel...UW-Madison, cuz hey, they're too drunk to care and Berkeley, cuz well it's Berkeley.

And since when are internships deemed "successful"? At my company as long as they don't fuck up the lunch orders too much or jam the copier they get their stupid credit.

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

Who says fucking disease infested whores isn't scholarly? It's the basis for all great late 19th century - early 20th century writing...not to mention painting. Duh.

 
At 11:33 AM, Blogger TN_Dreamer said...

BC of course he's what everyone who goes to a brothel wants to see, a MALE college senior.

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger Dan said...

On the other hand, is interning for a brothel any worse than interning for any television show/movie/anything involving our beloved Ms. Love. I mean, really, I'd rather work in the septic sucking business than have to put up with the likes of here.

 
At 11:47 AM, Blogger kojled said...

yeah, lose the 'did not get internship' set up and go straight to 'ends up doing a paper about' pay-off. logic not required

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Oh Dan, are you a Red Green fan, too? As a woman, I'm actually embarrassed to admit that I like that show.

And Shelley: You forgot Ball State.

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger Alane said...

And here I thought his backup plan was working in a brothel, as an, um, personal-contact sort of employee.

I guess y'all's interpretation is slightly more plausible. Slightly.

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I think this is some college senior's attempt at successful self-internship.

 
At 12:08 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

OK, so I went back to "Not your mother's pillows."

I think my favorite items are the "wine glass wraps."

Who knew that the latest thing would be a fuzzy cover for the stem of my wine glass?

The boom boom broom looks like something out of Dr. Who.

And then there's the DIVALIGHT, worthy of a Bond girl. I don't need a flashlight covered in faux mink and maribou unless it vibrates, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

I thought I wanted to have sex on the bubble chair, but unfortunately, I keep visualizing our Pajiba mama on it, so now it's a turnoff.

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Okay, if I came home and found one of those pillows, I would have to tape the place off as a crime scene and call in the biohazard team.

Although, that corn shit colored cone pillow would make for great conversation if it were strategically placed in a public men's toilet near a fight court. All the men would try to lay claim to it and fights would surely ensue.

The tube pillow looks eerily like a Courtney Love tampon applicator.

No, these are not my mother's pillows. Not even remotely. Thank Jesus she's not alive to see what has happened to the virtuous pillow.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

I suppose Alane is correct. Just because the place is a brothel does not mean it's for all, or even any, female prostitutes.

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

I love the end of the bubble chair description where the RealmDekor folks claim "that Panton would have owned several". Rarely have I seen such pretension combined with such a terrible concept.

"The bubble chair comes in two colors. The first is black, and in keeping with the general theme of our product line, we call it 'Huge Pile of Black Turds', the second is pink, we like to call that chair 'Used Bubblegum'. Panton expressed a fervent desire to sit in a mound of used gum shortly before he passed away, which is why we believe he would have owned a pink bubble chair"

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Ha Ha....I also like the "Root" vase. It reminds me of those big molar models at the dentist's office.

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

Maybe the brothel decor inspires the intern to create a line of freakishly be-furred home furnishings and pornographic pillows. He then markets them online, advertising primarily to snarky people who are drawn to bad writing, and makes a fortune. Or, alternatively, squanders the whores' hard-earned money (which they invested in the company) and gets his ass kicked by a killer pimp named Guid...umm, Frito.

Yup. Frito the Killer Pimp.

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Mustang Sally, I would guess if we had Frito the Pimp, we would also need Dildo Bugger and Goodgulf the Wizard.

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

I liked the "glow straws" and might get them for a kids' party sometime. Otherwise, a big Whisky Tango Foxtrot to the RealmDekor.

 
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At 1:20 PM, Blogger Blogging Blogging Queen said...

Hey, I just read what you wrote, and I want your opinion on just one thing - Is This Guy a JERK or WHAT?!

Tiffany

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Wow Dan, Red Green AND Bored of the Rings! I'm impressed with the scope of your literary knowledge. It's scary that I have the same knowledge.

I think the brothel in this query should be decorated entirely by RealmDekor. And the intern should push the boom boom broom around all day and have to carry the DivaLight to check for dustmites and bedbugs.

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

"...he must produce an academic paper on his experience..."

Everybody wants to produce.

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

Gimlet and Legolam to the rescue.

 
At 1:29 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i imagine the first line will read something like, "I took many deposits from hundreds of satisfied customers."

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Well, BWeaves, it's important to be well-read in the important literary works. Otherwise, one might assume that the query writers posted to this site might have original ideas.

 
At 1:32 PM, Blogger sharpie said...

This might be good if HE was a SHE. We could call it "Debbie Does Homework."

 
At 1:35 PM, Blogger Security Dog said...

Tiffany, I would like to glue you to the outside of the space shuttle, at the point where the foam fell off.

The working girls show him the dark side of humanity, whilst he shows them the correct way to skull a keg. They join forces with a bar that is being forced to close for a game of drunkball. The girls lay waste to the frathouse, which results in the intern getting a raging case of Penlies Syndrome.

Hilarity ensues with a fake Faberge egg.

 
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No heathens, unbeleivers, Wiccans or Muslims allowed.

 
At 2:40 PM, Blogger classymac said...

Even if we didn't know they were spammers, the nice-niceyness and the exclamation marks flag them as phoneys.

Now, if they were crudely humorous, borderline offensive, jaded, made obscure references that only we chosen understand and whose muse was plastic man sacks, then we might believe they belonged here with us.

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

I just had a great idea! Combine this script with the killer bed bug script!

Logline: An ambitious college student must choose between his future as an investment banker and the lives of his coworkers when killer bed bugs infest the mattresses of the local brothel where he works.

Working title: Bed and Breakfast

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger penlies said...

“The college senior loses a fake Faberge egg in an orifice of one of the working girls. He must retrieve it from her malejuice soaked pope schism before his parents find it missing.” I see some great butt tickling scenes with indignant hookers.

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger but_seriously said...

Penlies, something tells me you see a lot of great butt tickling scenes with indignant hookers.

 
At 4:21 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I am exactly two steps away from being The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat... Who's the Pajiba beefy pie?

 
At 4:27 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

What's an indignant hooker?

Indignant hooker: Well, I never! You want me to do what?!!

Penlies: Blah blah pope blah polecat blah blah warty blah blah parental malejuice.

Indignant hooker: My heavens! You can't put something you PEE out of in someone's mouth...can you?

 
At 5:22 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Ok, I was stuck in court ALL DAY and I missed this totally quality query. All my snarky comments have been noted by other worthy posters, so I will just tell a tidbit from court today.

Mom calls in a tip on her 19 year old daughter for leaving the house after she'd been drinking. She reports to dispatch the accurate make and model of the vehicle and even gives the tag number. They were personal tags which read "HottieGrl." I made the officer repeat it on the stand (this is easily done: "Officer, when you were advised to be on the lookout for a vehicle with the tage HottiGrl, did you find a vehicle with the tag HottieGrl...and so on) as much as possible until I almost wet myself from not laughing out loud.

Turns out, she's a stripper. Makes it a bit query related.

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Good news, Fight Court is tomorrow. I'll keep you guys posted.

 
At 7:44 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I'm thinking when it gets really cold up here, I'll head south for a vacation and sit in fight court all day.

In the meantime, this is what will keep me occupied up here:

http://www.foundmagazine.com/
(click on "Find of the Week" for the Crack House Rules)

 
At 8:17 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

Well, maybe he is one of those special boys who likes to dress up.

But i just can't see a transvestite query without a time machine or hitler. It's kind of tradition now.

 
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Jason Biggs is a finance major with a minor in Women's Studies in... American Pie Charts

 
At 10:56 PM, Blogger COLOfilm said...

A college senior learns the hard way the difference between banking and boinking in... "Substantial Penalty for Early Withdrawal"

 
At 5:49 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Pajiba: I no longer want to have your babies.

Penlies: I think you're ripping off that scene from Flesh Gordon where one of the Power Pasties gets stuck in one of Wang's women's love cave.

 
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At 8:40 AM, Blogger RockSteady said...

This sounds like an art house flick.

Taffy: the Crack House Rules would make a great movie. Call Michael Caine and Tobey Maguire immediately.

Also: Christian debt consolidation? Next thing you know, they'll have a blog of Long Island zip codes.

 
At 9:56 AM, Blogger bumper_nuts said...

Am I the only one who noticed the text on the pillow website descibing "whipping it out of the closet"?

Whatever happened to the Seven Windows chick? I miss the query letters site of old.

So fabulous. So true.

 
At 4:39 PM, Blogger Gidget Bananas said...

shelly123 said "I can only think of two colleges that would approve an internship at a brothel...UW-Madison, cuz hey, they're too drunk to care and Berkeley, cuz well it's Berkeley."

Let's not forget the University of Nevada. I bet some enterprising UNR student could call Dennis Hof get an internship. In fact, I'll bet there are a few on work-study programs there now, although they'd most likely be sorority sisters rather than frat boys.

 
At 12:04 AM, Blogger Mac said...

The sad thing is that the fiction script has already been gazumped by reality.

A couple of years ago a presenter for pre-school TV ('Play School') found herself out of work, so decided to work in a brothel.

She wrote a book on her experience: "There's a bear in there (and he wants Swedish)"

(The title is a play on the theme song for Play School, in case you miss the reference)

Ref: http://www.abc.net.au/hobart/stories/s604492.htm

Mac

 
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Error messages have numerous causes, such as misspellings, outdated links or internal server errors. When an error is encountered, your server will display specific generic error pages according to the error. These error pages are not only dead ends, but they are also very frustrating for your potential visitors

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As servers run different types of software and do not function in the same manner, there isn't a simple method for creating custom error pages that will work with every system. However, if you have your own domain and your site is hosted on a Unix/Linux server running Apache, this article will assist you in creating custom error pages.

If you're not sure what type of server you're on, visit the following web address to find out: http://uptime.netcraft.com/up/graph/

Before we begin, keep in mind, editing your server files is serious business. Even one small typographical error can wreak havoc -- make sure you make a backup copy of any file you're planning to edit.

Guidelines for creating your error pages:

1. Create your error pages in standard HTML -- just as you would create any other web page for your site.

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3. Your error pages should look just like the rest of your web pages. Each error page should contain good navigational links, a search feature, and provide information in regard to the specific error they received.

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400 Bad Request
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503 Service Temporarily Unavailable

Once you've created your pages, you'll need to access your server via FTP and create a new folder called "errordocs" where you store your HTML files. Upload your new error documents into your new folder.

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