Wednesday, August 31, 2005

It's Tourrettes Syndrome. Idiot! Gosh!

"Our gal is an A-list, top-notch, big-city, big-business wedding planner who has masterminded her own perfect wedding not only because she deserves the greatest wedding imaginable but because she wants to land the big fish - her presumably engaged, celebrity, billionaire, businessman (and old flame). He will attend her own wedding to experience her genius first hand. Her fiancé is very laid back. He's a high school teacher, coach and self-proclaimed simple guy. That's what we know.

What we don't know is that her best friend, maid of honor and 'disgruntled employee' has her own vows for this day. She's devising a future that includes planning her boss's ex's wedding herself. To make things worse there's an X-factor. A common friend of theirs means well but has a knack for being in the right place at the perfect time doing the wrong thing.

The table is set as:
-A surprise gift leads to a drunken priest.
-A fabricated contest leads to the bride's mom and the groom's mom wearing the exact same dress.
-A bridesmaid has bad timing and Terrets syndrome.
-A groomsman has equally bad timing and narcolepsy.
-An extravagant food fight undermines an exquisite wedding hall.
-And. . . An Elvis impersonator leads the band.

As the wedding progresses into a hellish nightmare, her fiancé is pushed further and further away and into the arms of his angelic co-worker and confidant. Where will he find true romance? In his new wife or the forbidden fruit? Can the go-getter, wedding planner fend off advances from her billionaire ex-lover and salvage her own wedding, marriage and reputation? And. . . Will the best man ever stop talking?"

411 Comments:

At 10:23 AM, Blogger making money said...

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At 10:29 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Somehow, it seems absolutely perfect that the spammers hit this one first.

I can't even think of anything funny to say about this one.
It's utter shit.

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger but_seriously said...

So many plot inconsistancies, where should we start?

 
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At 10:47 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Even more to the point than "Will the best man ever stop talking?" is will the query writer ever stop writing? We can only hope!

I would put my eyes out with anything sharp and pointy before I'd watch this (same for Titanic, which I still haven't seen).

Pure drivel and a big pile of shite.

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

"-A bridesmaid has bad timing and Terrets syndrome."


I think the Empress is wrong, the writer is referring to Ferrets syndrome, which is rare and disgusting.

 
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At 11:05 AM, Blogger jaimilyn said...

I'm currently getting 3 seperate ads (all different sites) for maid of honor speeches. Who knew that would be such a lucrative business??

The query itself has no redeeming qualities at all, and the writer should be shot - so that we can be put out of OUR misery. It's bad when the spam ads are more interesting than the query.

Empress, if you can log onto the account, it's just one click on blogger.com to turn on text verification and we can be free of the spambots!

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger Meg said...

If the groomsman was a necrophiliac, that would be much more interesting. Sort of gives "Corpse Bride" new meaning.

Advice to the bride, dump the HS teacher and do the billionaire. Duh.

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger katiescarlet said...

Wedding Planner meets the wedding date, meets the Wedding Singer, meets hell. Can we get a few more disabilities throw in please?

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger Meg said...

So totally disappointed that I could not access the maid of honor speeches without paying money. I did note one testimonial where Jamie from Orlando said that her speech from this site (which she paid for) was the best one she had ever written.

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger Meg said...

EMPRESS, please fix the spambots by enabling the text verification feature!!

 
At 11:50 AM, Blogger kojled said...

am i to understand that:

there is a wedding, and some stuff happens during the ceremony

and that's the movie?

oh, okay. please shred

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger penlies said...

"masterminded her own perfect wedding..."

Only 50% of women regularly masterminded themselves where nearly 80% of men do.

"He will attend her own wedding to experience her genius first hand."

So is the wedding planner the same person as the billionaire? Sexual identity problem or something, a split personality? How exactly does one attend ones own wedding as someone else?

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger Storm said...

What? WTF???

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Anyone else think penlies is an overweight 13 year old with pimples?

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Yowza wowza said...

"Wedding Planner meets the wedding date, meets the Wedding Singer, meets hell. Can we get a few more disabilities throw in please?"

You forgot Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo, for the narcolepsy and tourrettes.

 
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At 12:15 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

"who has masterminded her own perfect wedding . . . because she wants to land the . . . the billionaire, businessman (and old flame). He will attend her own wedding to experience her genius first hand. "

Why is she trying to pick up men at her own wedding?
This is just frigging wrong!

 
At 12:16 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Yes. Deuce Bigalow is a disability.

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger penlies said...

Anyone else think Meg needs to masterminded herself a little more?

 
At 12:24 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

If the query writer has Tourette's Syndrome, then maybe...maybe...I'll be willing to forgive this completely non-sensical drivel. Names would definitely help. Then we could at least focus our sarcasm more specifically.

Are the best friend, maid of honor and "disgruntled employee" three people or one person? Why is "disgruntled employee" in quotes? If the fiance is a self-proclaimed single guy, then why is he getting married? Is he aware that his soon-to-be-wife is using him to get an old boyfriend back?

And what in the hell does the writer mean by X factor? Is there Ecstasy being consumed at the wedding? Or is this an X Files Factor, which leads to the revelation that the fiance is really an alien lizard with psychic abilities who is being hunted by the government?

I think my brain just exploded.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

P.S. Penlies, go mastermind yourself.

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

When we were married my wife and I also made it a point to find the least able bride's maids and groom's men available:

Groomsmen 1- A man who drinks, farts, and sings John Denver tunes constantly and nearly simultaneously.

Groomsman 2- A mime who insisted on acting out the entire ceremony as it occurred.

Best Man- A man with no arms who had to carry the wedding rings between his cheek and gum and spit them at the Pastor when asked for them.

Bridesmaid 1- A woman with a habit of scratching her crotch whenever she gets nervous.

Bridesmaid 2- Coincidentally, we also had a woman with Tourrette's who called my grandmother a "flaming shitpile of old skanky whore fucking cocksucker"

Maid of Honor- Courtney Love

 
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At 12:48 PM, Blogger BCPhil said...

Well I can tell the X-factor in this story isn't an xtreme factor. Jeez Louise I am glad I stopped by because this script needs a little help. Now let me first say I like your writing style and the plot is complicated like a Richard Altman picture or something but it get's lost because there isn't any action.
I like the idea of a drunk priest but he would need to have some kind of sweet power or possibly be possessed and in secret he could be trying to mate with one of the female leads. That part is a keeper!
How about also instead of this lady being a wedding planner, I think there is already a movie on this with Meg Roberts or some other famous girl, have her be something sweet like a blacksmith or metal maker and she makes weapons in secret or something. This would be a great way to introduce her fiancé as someone real hip who likes cool things like role playing and Ren fests and stuff. She makes him a sweet sword and they fall in love.
I don't mind the Elvis idea, but why not Elvis with a flame thrower singing burning love and using it on bad guys like orcs or terrorists or even better terrorist orcs or something. That would even be a sweet twist that we find out the people behind a lot of the terror stuff are beings from another dimension that a powerful wizard has let loose.
I see the end having the Elvis impersonator and the fiancé battling a lot of sweet villains and stabbing through the wedding cake to kill orcs and cool stuff like that in super slow motion like in the movie "The Keep" which is about one of the best movies ever next to Krull.

 
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At 12:57 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Sorry Phil, I don't think even you can fix this thing. It's too confusing to be xtreme.

 
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At 1:01 PM, Blogger Girl With An Alibi said...

Tom is clever but he's still a spammer. He's customized his spam to mention "writer" and tag any blog that also mentions "writers" with a high degree of frequency. Then he double posts to make it seam like he's really here and adds a candid reference to the fact that he's selling something. Spammenters and their spambots are evolving but they are still not human. I second -third -fourth the call for word verification.

As for the query... I'm totally confused but I'm not gonna waste any more time re-reading it. Obviously the writer didn't.

 
At 1:10 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

BCPhil, "I don't mind the Elvis idea, but why not Elvis with a flame thrower singing burning love and using it on bad guys like orcs or terrorists or even better terrorist orcs or something."

HAHAHAHA! Welcome back Phil.

 
At 1:32 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Oh penlies, I think you have a date with a sock to be getting to. And do your math homework.

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger penlies said...

Actually I have to go sharpen my cynicism, sarcasm, and wit so I can get laid...oh wait that only works for little Jewish guys named “Woody” with bags of money! Maybe I should suction out some fat from my ass and move it to my boobs that might help a little.

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

BCPhil, as long as everyone dies, including the query writer, I'm all for your idea.

You should really drop by more often.

 
At 2:10 PM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

Meg,

Nobody every said penlies was overweight, and the rumors of anal warts have never been proved. That being said, his desire to be part of a three way with but_seriously and myself has lead some people here to question his sexual orientation. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

All in all he's a pretty funny guy though, so lets not get to nasty here.

BTW, your profile says you are from the South, but for some reason I thought you were from LA. Now I'm confused.

I too agree with you in your pettition to the high EMPRESS, "please fix the spambots by enabling the text verification feature!!"

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Perhaps an Aristocrats treatment will bring everyone back together...

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

The return of BCPhil more than offsets the woeful number of spam posts that have littered this query.

Virtual hugs and kisses to you BCPhil. Manager Guy may be gone, but we still have you.

P.S. Is there any way to work Dio's "Last in Line" into this script? I know if anyone can figure out how, it will be you.

Also, perhaps you could respond to our spammers with lots and lots of tips on how to make their sites more Xtreme. We would all really appreciate your help. Thanks!

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Larry: "BTW, your profile says you are from the South, but for some reason I thought you were from LA. Now I'm confused."

I believe LA stands for Lower Alabama.

 
At 2:24 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

Larry, I appreciate your "Let's all get along" sentiment, and I agree. Although you should know that Meg and I have not yet forgotten the penlies tirade about how the two of us are "too witty to be hot," an assertion that he went to great lengths to defend across several posts.

Fortunately, Meg and I are secure in our hotness. But if penlies ever gets dragged into Fight Court with Meg as his prosecutor, his ass is grass.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger penlies said...

Ya thanks for the help Larry, it's just some flirting that's been going on for awhile now. Life’s no fun without the villain and everyone else seemed to get themselves into a sarcastic little orgy so I thought I'd fill the apparent void. Meg’s had a thing for me for awhile now and her frustration with her own feelings causes her to lash out. I’m sure at this very moment she is planning a wedding to try and get me to marry her co-worker and the bi-polar frog she keeps kissing in hopes of it turning into a prince…or something like that.

 
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At 2:55 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

All I can do is blindly Mad Lib this and pray to the Keepers of the Missionary Vessel that it makes more sense than the "original" query:

Our horse-faced fruit bat is a frightful, morbidly obese, stubble-chinned beast of a wedding planner who has masterminded her own jail house wedding, not only because she deserves the humiliation, but because she wants to land the big fish--her presumably engaged, secretly gay, celebrity, billionaire sheriff (an old Flame who is up for re-election). He will attend her own wedding because it's his jail and he knows she has constructed a Krispy Kreme donut cake using pipe cleaners and cigarettes to support its towering goodness. Her fiance is very laid back. He's just been executed by lethal injection and is now cured of his raging pedophilia. That's what we know.

What we don't know is that her cell mate, maid of honor, and "disgruntled lover" has her own vows for this day. She's devising a sex toy that cleans the carpet for you. To make things worse, somebody's just smuggled in a whole boat load of X. A third cell mate just happens to be in the same exact place as the other two, which is the right place to be at the right time to be there only, thanks to the X Factor, she does the wrong thing.

The cafeteria is set as:
-A surprise gift of a towering bottle of whisky leads to Father Jack's attendance and an emergency situation that requires him to perform the ceremony while drunk, of all things.
-A fabric sale at the uniform shop leads to everyone wearing exactly the same thing.
-A bridesmaid in for Buggery with a Tire Iron has bad breath and loudly enjoys the attentions of a ferret during the ceremony.
-A groomsman has even worse breath and drops dead from it.
-A donut fight totally undermines this exquisite and elegant occasion taking place in the cafeteria.
-And...five jailed Elvis impersonators kill each other over who leads the band.

As the wedding progresses as planned, her fiance is pushed further and further away by the Medical Examiner's staff and into the morgue of an angelic assisant ME, who always manages to look radiant while sawing through bones. Will he find true romance, now that he's cured of his pedophilia? In his horse-faced bride, the glamorous ME, or the forbidden Fruit running for re-election? Can the club-faced wedding planner fend off imagined advances from her pouffy, billionaire sheriff and salvage her own wedding, marriage, and reputation before the cake goes stale? And...will the best man ever stop kissing on Father Jack?

 
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At 3:14 PM, Blogger Security Dog said...

Reg Dunlop: As Meg will soon testify, Ferret's Syndrome is actually neither rare nor disgusting, but is an actively encouraged practise for the..ahem..sexually redundant...in the English Midlands. The stuffing of a dozen or so live ferrets (or stoats, if ferret be unavailable) down yer trousers can enliven any pensioners day in a way that Pfizer can only dream of; AND you won't go literally fuckin' blind.

This query reminded me of a wedding I went to in England at some old gothic pile, where the four bovine bridesmaids were dressed in emerald and crimson dresses. As they sauntered down the aisle, I thought two things:

a. I would'nt fuck any of 'em.
b. I wonder what the English Channel is doing for port and Starboad buoys today.

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger Security Dog said...

Starboard, goddammit.

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Word verification--it takes but a second.

 
At 3:28 PM, Blogger katiescarlet said...

"you forgot Duece Bigalow" I never saw that movie. I decided it was based on a query letter that should have been rejected! Although, I haven't seen Wedding Date or Wedding planner either.

 
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At 3:55 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Security Dog: I though Ferrets syndrome was a disease you got from doing that. Maybe it's actually called Stoats syndrome.

 
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At 4:19 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Disgusting Meg. Oddly enticing, but disgusting.

 
At 4:22 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Penlies, is that really you?

 
At 4:23 PM, Blogger CommentSpamWhore said...

Hey great blog! I didn't read it 'cause I'm just a dumbass spambot, but you're doing great work! Love the video clips of naked transsexual aardvark fetishers!

I have a blog, too! I know you don't give a shit and would rather I just shut the hell up and stuck my head up my ass, but come on over anyway. It's called I'm Hot For Meg and I Got Your Jello Right Here, Baby! and it's pretty much about I'm Hot For Meg and I Got Your Jello Right Here, Baby! related stuff.

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger Security Dog said...

Penlies, if I told you I was a Serbian Jew, would you give me anal warts, you sad motherfucker?

 
At 4:41 PM, Blogger penlies said...

Security Dog said...
"Penlies, if I told you I was a Serbian Jew, would you give me anal warts, you sad motherfucker?"

What does that have to do with anything? Also, I'm not sad I'm actually quite happy and I only fucked your mother once, I hardly think that calls for an official title.

No reg, not me. I did think it was funny though.

 
At 4:53 PM, Blogger Security Dog said...

Penlies.

Was she any good?

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger penlies said...

I hate for things to deteriorate to nonsense. So I will bid this blog goodbye, enjoy bumper nuts and the rest and Meg I'm sure you are quite hot. (For a smart chick) Maybe I’ll log in later with some clever pseudonym but penlies is now terminated. Enjoy.

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

Can we just please get back to commenting on the Queries? Aren't they enough entertainment? It's what Manager Guy set this site up for so let's do it for our Gipper. Let's reserve our vitriol for those who are really our enemies - crappy screen typist tree killers from the flyovers...or Starbucks barristas, whatever.

That being said, I'm off to rip my third assistant in four weeks a new one for using the little blue packet of fake sweetener instead of the little yellow packet. Then, off to yoga.

 
At 5:59 PM, Blogger Security Dog said...

Gwen. Agreed.

 
At 6:36 PM, Blogger Sponky said...

So its The Wedding Planner meets Deuce Bigalow (Tourrettes and Narcolepsy are funny now)?

 
At 7:04 PM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

Personally? I think making drunk priests and afflicted attendants equivalent in horror value with the mothers wearing the same dress shows this is someone with real, live wedding experience.

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger classymac said...

I think this is just about every episode of "Whose Wedding Is It Anyway" or "Bridezilla". Not that I ever watch that shit of course.

The funniest line however is "The table is set as..." Musta patted themselves on the back...or wherever...over this one.

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger classymac said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
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At 5:50 AM, Blogger Meg said...

That monkey thing was NOT me. I am very irritated that someone is posting as me. To prove this is me, I will let you know that I am not from LA, I live in the South and I am from the midwest. I do not now nor have I ever liked or desired monkey cock. Now I have to go to court with that thought in my head. Sadly, not in fight court today, merely regular court. I think I'll put some people away today, it will perhaps make me feel a little better about this identity theft.

 
At 6:26 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I think we have a pimply teenager/disgruntled query writer in the room. Hopefully, he hasn't dropped out of school yet, so the problem might slow down in a few days. Or whenever the next version of his favorite video game comes out.

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

Don't sweat it Meg. All of us who know and love you knew that was a fraud. It was a pathetic and classless plea for attention, and whoever did it is not welcome here. Best to ignore the jerk and move on.

Back to the horrible query.

The drunken priest gag was funny once...and only once. That was the Kelly and Woody wedding episode of "Cheers."

And although it's been mentioned, I feel it necessary to once again ask why anyone would choose wedding attendants with Tourette's Syndrome and narcolepsy.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Reg's comment after the monkey thing was actually really funny and made me laugh out loud.

I did lock a guy up today, made me feel a little better.

 
At 9:23 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Best Priest in a wedding bit was from Four Weddings and a Funeral. "The father, Son, and Holy Spicket - Spirit." Classic, I laugh every time.

 
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