Monday, August 22, 2005

Is he talking about Cimex lectularius or Cimex hemipterus?

"I wanted to let you know that I have finished a horror screenplay and was wondering if you would like to see a copy.

Fact: In any given mattress there are over 10,000 bedbugs.

Fact: Bedbugs feed solely on blood and dried skin, causing them to grow at least a quarter of an inch in length and their clear bulbous backs to turn dark red.

For a police chief (who's a Dennis Quaid type) and his new family - a wife, a rebellious teen step-son and precocious five-year-old daughter- Normal, Illinois offered a haven away from the hustle and crime of the East Coast.

From its quaint tudor stores to the popular Strawberry Festival/carnival, which brings tourists from around the mid-west, Normal was the way life should be.

Then the killings began.

First, a high school football star is torn to shreds by an invisible force in front of his girlfriend.

Then a boy scout troop camping in the woods, mysteriously disappears.

Followed by an attractive grocery store clerk.

All at the hand of a mysterious killer. All eaten to the bone.

With paranoia and fear gripping the town and a politically-focused mayor breathing down his throat, the chief digs deeper and deeper into the deaths. Only to come up with nothing.

Enter an entomologist with the University of Illinois. He tells our guy he's here to help. Or is he?

Not taking a particular liking to the creepy scientist, the chief has a hunch that he holds some sort of key.

The answer he finds - somewhere in the town's elaborate sewer system - will change he and his family forever.

The only question that remains is can he save them from the horror he discovers?"

136 Comments:

At 10:27 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Hmmmm tough question...Can the chief save his family from man eating bugs in the sewer?

No way. They're fucked.

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger sharpie said...

DAD "Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite."

KID "AAAAARRGghhhhhsehd/!$@#%^"

MOM "I knew I should of washed the bedding more often."

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

"Fact: Bedbugs feed solely on blood and dried skin, causing them to grow at least a quarter of an inch in length and their clear bulbous backs to turn dark red."

So the dried skin grows at least a quarter of an inch in length?

Title: "The Attack of The The (sic) Dead Skin Creatures."

I expect an early scene like this:

Mom: "Good night, sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite."

I really don't care to write the rest of the script. I just know that's in there somewhere.

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Whooops. Guess we ALL thought about that one.

 
At 11:20 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Somebody rented Jaws for the weekend and then later discovered they had bedbugs. This is such a lame takeoff on Jaws that I'm just speechless (not wordless, but speechless). Or it could be that one about spiders (Arachnid, Arachnophobia,???). Anyway, without effects like those used in "House" how are you going to show that it's bedbugs?

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger Storm said...

Okay, I'm lost. What does the whole statistic about 10,000 bedbugs have to do with this stupid plot?

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

Er, most people in the US don't have bedbugs.

Also, Normal, Illinois is a real community and wouldn't take kindly to being smeared as Bedbug Capital of the World.

Also, total rip-off of Arachnophobia.

Otherwise, keep up the good work!

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger PJ McIlvaine said...

It's already been done. Move along, nothing to see here.

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Sci-Fi Channel material. Definitely.

Guess there are times when we all need to clean our mattresses.
And gettin' out the blood spots
And the flakes of skin's important nowadays.
And it's times like these when we all need to call the police chief
'Cause from the stitches in your mattress
Ten thousand killer insects start to leap.

Get them off! Get them off!
Get off those bed bugs!
When all skin is gone,
Why don't you please try to get them off?

They dig into your flesh, whoa-oh-oh-oh!
Just feel them crawl around.
When all skin is gone,
Please try to get them off!

Bed bugs, they hurt.
Bed bugs, they hurt.
Bed bugs, they hurt.
Bed bugs, they hurt so much.

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

I'm torn. A new query letter written by a new idiot usually makes me a little excited at the prospect of burning some dead time reading and writing posts. However, the sight of Courtney Love raising her leg in my direction makes me want to vomit.

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Does it bother anyone else that the G is assaulting Her Royal Lowness, Ms. Love?

Nah, me either.

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger max power said...

"Breathing down his throat..."

Amazing. Leave it to one of these query buffoons to screw up a cliche.

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger hoover said...

so many gems to choose from i hardly know where to begin...perhaps i'll list my favorites and we can all admire them together.

best incomplete sentence: "Followed by an attractive grocery store clerk."

best mixed metaphor: "a politically-focused mayor breathing down his throat." ew.

best stage direction: "Enter an entomologist with the University of Illinois"

best non-porn line that sounds like porn: "Enter an entomologist with the University of Illinois"

best wtf why would any town have this: "somewhere in the town's elaborate sewer system"

best way to discover someone isn't there to help, they tell you they are there to help, but then say, "or am i?"

 
At 11:52 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Bweaves: Thanks for causing round two. No big deal, I was trying to lose weight anyway.

 
At 11:52 AM, Blogger penlies said...

Fact: "Sometimes referred to as "red coats," "chinches," or "mahogany flats" (USDA 1976), bed bugs, Cimex lectularius Linnaeus, are blood feeding parasites of humans, chickens, bats and occasionally domesticated animals (Usinger 1966). Bed bugs are suspected carriers of leprosy, oriental sore, Q-fever, and brucellosis (Krueger 2000) but have never been implicated in the spread of disease to humans (Dolling 1991). After the development and use of modern insecticides, such as DDT, bed bug infestations have virtually disappeared. However, since 1995, pest management professionals have noticed an increase in bed bug related complaints."

Fact: The idiot author is not talking about bed bugs but dust mites and similar microscopic organisms.

Fact: The author is so dumb he couldn't even Google a bed Bug.

Fact: My left nut could write a better query.

 
At 11:55 AM, Blogger max power said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:33 PM, Blogger gypsycamptrash said...

Ok. I live in Normal, Il, and

1. We do not have a Strawberry Festival, although, we do have a Shakepseare Festival.
2. Why would anyone at the University of Illinois care what was happening as a. It is an hour away and b. We have Illinois State 3 minutes away.

3. We love our bedbugs. It's part of our midwestern charm.

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger hoover said...

oh, and best runner up for grammar: "the answer he finds will change he...

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

This query reminds me of one of my favorite X Files lines:

"This is no place for an entomologist."

As near as I can tell, that's the only redeeming feature.

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

"Um, hello, yes. Um yes. Hello, I um... I.. Um yes, yes. I've--oh, never mind. Okay. (Deep breath.) I, Arthur Putey, have written a Screenplay! Yes, AND I wanted to let you know, if you don't mind, that I have finished a horror screenplay--. Damn, I'll start again. Oh, never mind, you wouldn't want to see a copy anyway."

 
At 12:52 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Taffy, HAHAHAHA...sniff...gasp...oh that was too much!

(Sorry, I'm at work and needed a good laugh)

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Fact: In any given mattress there are over 10,000 bedbugs.

Fact: Bedbugs feed solely on blood and dried skin, causing them to grow at least a quarter of an inch in length and their clear bulbous backs to turn dark red.

Fact: A mattress containing 10,000 quarter-inch, completely sated bed bugs can travel at speeds of up to 10 MPH.

Fact: Thanks to Penlies, we now know that these facts were gleaned entirely from an intense study of the writer's own mattress. Thanks Anal Wart Guy!

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger anders3000 said...

Sci-Fi will pick this up. Probably won’t even clean up the bed bug – dust mite issue either. It will rank up there with SNAKEHEAD TERROR and MOSQUITO.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371954/

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113858/

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger sharpie said...

When I woke up this morning
I looked up on the wall
The cooties and the bedbugs
were playing a game of ball

The score was six to nothing
The cooties were ahead
The bedbugs hit a home run
And knocked me out of bed

 
At 1:20 PM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

A Dennis Quaid type? People, Dennis Quaid is the kiss of death for a movie. In his long career [since 1975], Quaid has toplined only two movies that made money: "The Rookie", which wasn't exactly a big hit and "The Day After Tomorrow", in which Quaid was out-acted by Roland Emmerich's special effects. [which cost so much the movie barely made money]

I like Dennis Quaid as much as the next "Innerspace" fan, but he is the leading actor most likely to make your movie bomb. Of course, you could cast Will Smith in this POS and it still wouldn't make money, but that's beside the point.

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

I like Penlies' "oriental sore."

Must be like an anal wart only more infected.

Oriental Sore.

I just like saying that.

I think Her Exacted Couch-sitting Rockette-wannabe, Madame Love may be trying to show us her Oriental Sore.

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

How about Randy Quaid then?

 
At 1:56 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i'll bet it's the bedbugs.

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger Security Dog said...

" their clear bulbous backs to turn dark red."

The fact that the author see's Dennis Quaid in this is clearly highlighting this screenplay is a post-communist metaphor. The reds are now IN your bed.

If I were American, I would'nt join a scout troop. When not being eaten, they seem to conduct lightning badly as well.

 
At 2:05 PM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

"Breathing down his throat..."

Well it has been said already, but this does put a new spin on things.

Maybe we could cast Geena Davis as the Mayor?

"Enter an entomologist with the University of Illinois"

The WHOLE THING? Is it like, on a massive flat bed truck that he drives around with him? That is one heck of a special effect, having this guy bring the whole University with him! Man, I've heard of bookmobiles, but this is insane, nay even XTREME!

"somewhere in the town's elaborate sewer system"

Yes, inspired by the traveling production of Phantom of the Opera and Le Miz the city fathers of Normal Ill. undertook the building of the nation's most elaborate sewer system. It includes a full sized mall (known as "The Underground Economy") , museums("MORE THAN JUST THE DRAINAGE"), a roller coaster, condos and lofts,(selling well despite the smell), a theater, several (little used) food courts, and even a golf course (just don't ask about the water hazards).

Styled throughout with authenitc Italianate stonework and imported European mosaics it would no doubt be one of America's greatest tourist attractions if it wasn't full of foul smelling raw sewage. Promotional attempts (including creating the short lived cartoon carachter "Timmy the Turd" ) have universally met with little sucess, and the cities undergound has become increasingly depressed in recent years.

 
At 2:13 PM, Blogger but_seriously said...

Larry: I want to have your babies.

 
At 5:05 PM, Blogger penlies said...

I'd like to be in on a threesome...

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

Oh, I would love to take you up on your offer, but the terms of my probation don't allow me to breed.

Something about " the good of the genome" and "protection of future generations" if I recall correctly.

 
At 6:02 PM, Blogger Loreno321 said...

Oh, I see. SOMEONE took World Lit or Spanish Lit last semester!
So, in addition to ripping off a number of old horror movies, the writer also decided to steal from the Argentine writer Horacio Quiroga. Quiroga's short story "El almohadón de plumas," is essentially about a giant bed bug, but it's also a true gothic-style creep out.
Dumb query writer says, "Stealing an idea from some Latin writer who died like last century is like way easier than thinking up something on my own. I mean who's gonna know, right?"

This query is just crap.

 
At 6:02 PM, Blogger Sponky said...

It's terrible when an attractive groccery store clerk gets killed by monster bed bugs.

Of course, if it have been an ugly groccery store clerk we wouldn't give a shit.

 
At 6:15 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Larry, I feel your pain. They did the same thing to me, so I just made a baby out of an old gym sock and a few odd buttons. He looks real enough to fool the school system, anyway. So if But Seriously has an old sock and you have some thread, you can certainly get around the probation. Good luck, kids.

 
At 7:58 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

Fact: I don't believe I've ever seen so many sentence fragments crammed into one little query before.

And thank god he let us know that he's finished his horror screenplay. I'm sure ManagerGuy and Empress were both chomping at the bit for this day to come.

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger COLOfilm said...

Gabe Kaplan stars as the wise-cracking mentor to a zany gang of delinquent thug bugs in... Welcome Back, Kafka

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger COLOfilm said...

Lindsay Lohan finds a mysteriously intuitive dust mite in her mattress. As they become attached, her parasitic friend teaches her about life, love and the inseperable host/organism bond. Against all odds, they eventually win "Best in Show" at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in...
Herbie the Bed Bug: Fully Engorged

 
At 12:21 AM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

OH, for crying out loud!

It's 12:16am and I'm on the verge of crawling into my bed.

Now, though, I'm almost certain to be gnawed painfully to my death by these little vicious fuckers.

Makes me want to pull out my vacuum and vacuum my bed before I do the crawling-into part.

However...

I've had a brainchild.

The hero character? An anteater. Better yet, a New Yorker who's secretly able to morph into an anteater.

Maybe we're introduced to him as a camera pans over his mail, all addressed to "D. Vower."

Or then again, maybe this script gets tossed onto the funeral pyre built for SCRIPTS THAT SUCK SHIT.

Just a notion.

Now, to ATTEMPT to sleep. This is when I hate having an avid imagination. Bastard. Bad writer. BAD.

Speak of bed: The Cunting Linguist.

 
At 3:00 AM, Blogger haz_bear01 said...

Thanks COLOfilm, you just made me spray coffee out of my nose all over my work. There should be more films including Lindsay Lohan and engorged things.

The query its self? Awful. I like the way he says there are 10,000 of them in our mattresses but then says they can be quarter of an inch long. Your mattress would be moving. Ugh!

 
At 5:26 AM, Blogger but_seriously said...

That's too bad, Larry. I am sure our kids would have proven to be evil enough that people would time travel to stop us from having them. You are a slimy energy lawyer, and I do PR/marketing for slimy energy lawyers, imagine the power...

At least we got Penlies to admit he's gay. (Yes, Penlies, a threesome with another guy makes you gay.)

 
At 5:52 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Was anyone else disturbed by the new ad caption, "Not your mother's pillows"?

 
At 6:31 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Yes, Reg! I actually stopped reading the query (which wasn't that interesting) and tried to figure out what's wrong with mom's pillows. Of course, I believe The Lady Skank of Rotten Cootchie is also a mother, so that might clear that up.

I think we're being a little hard on this query. It's not nearly as bad as some horror films I have seen. Come on, House of Wax? Paris Hilton dying is the only redeemable feature (no, I've not seen it, just heard tell). I think they should ignore the query, steal the idea and have some crap studio writer(s) take over.

Or we could write it. I'll start.

Interior bedroom of a small boy. Pan to an open window, the curtains blowing gently in the summer breeze. The edge of a tattered Star Wars poster is flapping against the wall, pulled free by the wind. A small boy with dark hair lies asleep in bed, the covers pulled up under his chin, his arm gripping a tattered bunny. Suddenly, he twitches. His eyes spring open, he gasps and tries to get out of bed, but to no avail. He screams and his parents rush into the room. They are too late to do anything other than watch their son being eaten alive by....

Okay, you keep going.

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Am I the last one to know that Manager Guy is dead? Poor Manager Guy!

 
At 7:09 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

...A giant monkey! That's right, a huge rhesus monkey is sitting on the young boy's chest, pulling off strips of flesh and gobbling them like fettuchini with dead-boy sauce. The monkey looks back at the parents and gives them a sickening smile, revealing parts of the stuffed bunny stuck in it's horrible, boy-stained teeth. Before the parents can act to catch the murdering primate, the rhesus flings a huge pile of feces at them as a distraction and escapes through an open window, down the gutter, and finally, onto the street below. In a parting shot we see the monkey, lit by a nearby streetlight, pause at an intersection, then take a left to head straight for the....


GO!

 
At 7:20 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

I just checked out the realdecor site and I have come to the conclusion that my mother's pillows would have sold better. I don't think we'll be looking at that ad for long. If bumpernuts couldn't make it these people don't have a chance.

 
At 7:28 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

His Time Machine. The monkey barely has enough time (ironic, eh?) to set the controls before the feces covered parents make it to the machine and start banging on the door. The Time Machine vanishes.

The Time Machine reappears in 1935 Germany, right outside Herr Hitler's house. The Monkey jumps out of the machine dressed as a Spanish priest because -- NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

GO!

 
At 7:37 AM, Blogger but_seriously said...

Shit, Meg. I didn't know, but I did research a little. Poor managerguy, I still suspect the Sharkos author.

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Before he can devour Hitler, however, the monkey runs smack into some Jewish guy. The two fight in the street outside Hitler's house for hours untill finally the Jewish guy flings the monkey into the hedge row, and runs in to murder Hitler. The monkey, scraped and a little upset from his beating at the hands of the Jewish guy, goes into Hitler's back yard and washes off with the garden hose. When the Jewish guy finally kills hitler, the monkey, as befitting his flesh-eating bent, devours the corpse. Finding the older Hitler meat to be a little gamy, the diabolical rhesus climbs back into the time machine, intent on finding more young flesh for food. He sets the dials for the future and starts his journey to a little island called Sharkos, where....


PASS!

 
At 9:09 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Wait a minute, ya'll. You mean managerguy is dead? I saw the comments to that effect but figured that it, like everything else on this site, was not serious. So what happened, engorged bed bugs, sharkos, or time-travelling dictator whackers? Seriously!

 
At 9:27 AM, Blogger Meg said...

It appears that on July 16th, he was killed in a car crash in San Diego.

 
At 9:30 AM, Blogger Meg said...

His last post was June 10, 2005. That's about the time Bumpernuts disappeared as well. Hmmm....

 
At 9:34 AM, Blogger penlies said...

"Welcome Back, Kafka"
Oh man, I can't get over that one. Screw you Larry I found a Colon!

 
At 9:52 AM, Blogger penlies said...

Really, he died? I live in San Diego...I don't remember anyone dying that day.

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Who was managerguy?

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Reg, ManagerGuy started all this.

Meg, no. Apparently I'm the last one to find out ManagerGuy is dead.

Empress, please confirm or the deny the rumors. PLEASE!!!

We promise a moment of silence and that we will click on the ads to keep this site going as a memorial.

 
At 10:16 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Bweaves, I meant an actual name. My theory is that to know someone to be dead, one might know the person's real name, making Google searches for confirmation that much easier.

 
At 10:17 AM, Blogger but_seriously said...

Adrian Loudermilk

Here's the article

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Man, I was hoping it was all rumor.

 
At 10:23 AM, Blogger but_seriously said...

Mac posted in the last thread with substantiating evidence; apparently everyone knew but us.

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

I guess the least we can do is donate to his fund. He did provide us with hours of free entertainment.

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

Well I am deeply sad to hear that Manager Guy died.

I'll say a prayer or two for him.

Will miss him

 
At 10:56 AM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

On a less serious note I'm sorry to pass up on having a wild passionate affair with but-seriously. However I'm glad to hear she is part of our wonderful massive energy conspiracy to take over the world. (I'll look for you at the next secret meeting of the kabal).

However, on the bright side neither of us will get penlies anal warts.

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Reg:

Sorry about the ManagerGuy comment.
I was hoping it was all a joke, too.

 
At 3:04 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

OMG, I think I am officially the LAST person to know about Manager Guy. Damn. I was one of the first people on this site back when we were all "Anonymous" (hey, the funniest stuff, yeah, that's all mine)...

Manager Guy, thanks for allowing me to waste many hours of the day laughing at the expense of others. We won't forget you, man.

 
At 3:15 PM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

Wow. I am truly, truly sad. He made me the gwendemarco I am today.

We will miss you.

 
At 9:23 PM, Blogger anders3000 said...

Managerguy: I didn't know him personally but he brought joy and laughter to a bored, stuck-in-a-rut tech guy and unknowingly made him better at the craft he so greatly loves.

 
At 6:10 AM, Blogger PJ McIlvaine said...

RIP, Adrian. :)

 
At 8:20 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

I just want to point out that if there were 10 000 of anything a quarter of an inch long in my bed i'd notice them pretty quickly.

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger VP19 said...

I suppose setting this story in Normal, Ill., is supposed to be ironic -- but that angle's already been taken. A few years ago, HBO did a movie called "Normal," about a married guy in that town who, after a long time in the gender closet, decides to come out and transition to female by taking hormones, etc. If I recall correctly, there was even one scene where his teenage daughter was delighted to find she and her developing daddy now wore the same bra size.

 
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At 10:04 AM, Blogger Couch Potato said...

Help me Dude, I think I'm lost.

I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw him in a car lot yesterday, which is really strange because the last time I saw him was in the supermarket.

No honest really, he was right there in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender".

He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a shiny, new lcd tv to go with that blue suede sofa of yours.

But Elvis said I, In the Ghetto nobody has a lcd tv .

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