Wednesday, July 27, 2005

If they were Scientologists, they could just take vitamins and exercise and more auditing courses, and they probably would be just fine

"We have a young couple struggling with careers, a much-wanted pregnancy and the challenges of everyday life. The husband resorts to a clairvoyant to help him when once again he is pasted over for a promotion at work. What started with a simple consultation for him, results in the dramatic disclosure that his wife will die within 48 hours. Despite the clairvoyant's dire warning, the man embarks on a frantic pursuit to save his wife. During this time he is being exposed to dangerous situations that not only affect his wife's life but also his own life.

Each time he believes that he has saved his wife's life he goes back to see the clairvoyent only to be told that his wife is still going to die within the next few hours. So he continues his journey to save his wife's life. He believes he has saved his wife's life twice and he goes back to see the clairvoyent. This time is different because she cannot help him anymore. She also tells him that he cannot do anything else to change his wife's fate. He still doesn’t believe her and decides no matter what he will do everything he can to save his wife.

As the 48 hours deadline approaches, he gets more and more frantic and decides to come clean and tell his wife what has been going on. Much to his shock she too went to see the clairvoyent and received the very same prediction only he was the one who will die in 48 hours. Both parties have been racing around trying to protect each other without letting each other know about the imminent danger. Each one tries to maintain the facade if normal life. During this time situation goes from scary to oddly comical as each one goes to great length to save the other.

After seeing the 48 hours deadline approaching, they decide to go back to see the clairvoyent together and she tells them that there is no other option but to seek spiritual intervention and they have to convince the spirits they deserve a second chance."

147 Comments:

At 11:22 AM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

Whenever I have been pasted over on promotions, I request that I be tomato pasted.

What the hell type of clairvoyent is she? She seems to be wrong all the time so why does hubby and wife keep going back to her?

Working title: "Final Destination 4: Death Pastes a Couple"

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

I hated being pasted over for a promotion. That's why I quit the paper maché factory.

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger Meg said...

For an extra $500, I am sure the clairvoyant can fix everything with those pesky spirits.

I tried to convice the spirits that I deserved a second chance, but then I threw up.

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

You have now entered "The O. Henry Zone"

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger TN_Dreamer said...

?in the end, they have to beg the spirits? she couldn't have told them this earlier? WTF?

 
At 11:35 AM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

At 11:31 AM, TN_Dreamer said...
?in the end, they have to beg the spirits? she couldn't have told them this earlier? WTF?

Obviously she gets paid by the visit and wants to milk this for all she can. It's not like the couple is going to need it...

 
At 11:35 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Does saving the nameless wife and husband involve racing back and forth to the bank to get more money for the clairvoyant? The drama could then be about finding social security numbers for loans and not running into each other at the bank in the process. That last bit of the query sounds fairly bureaucratic anyway, so it would all tie in nicely.

The only problem is I think this was a Brady Bunch episode. If it wasn't, it would have been a positively kooky one.

 
At 11:41 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Anyone else miss Bumpernuts?

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

I may have to go get pasted over this letter.

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

This would only work if Ashton Kuchar were the husband, and his job had something to do with mechanical engineering or nuclear physics.

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

ha ha ha...Miss Bumpernuts...ha ha. I can just imagine the formal wear competition.

 
At 12:02 PM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

We could cast Paris Hilton as his wife the neuro-surgeon.

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger Storm said...

Why read the book or see the movie? The query letter gave away the entire plot.

 
At 12:12 PM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

Well the twist ending is that Al Queda has hidden a nuke in the city and EVERYBODY is going to die in 48 hours. Think "Ghost" meets "Sum of All Fears". It's a romantic action dramedy with a touch of tragic humor and lots of Jerry Bruckhiemer type special effects.

Actually I saw something very similar to this on ABC Family last Christmas. If I recall correctly it had Kristen Chenowith as the doomed wife.

 
At 12:15 PM, Blogger penlies said...

What about the "much wanted pregnancy"? Why mention it at all? If we are throwing out non sequitur’s how about mentioning the rabid case of anal warts the husband has? Or the wife’s secret desire to tickle a strangers foot while dressed in a chef’s outfit?

 
At 12:16 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Storm said: "Why read the book or see the movie? The query letter gave away the entire plot."

As usual, it didn't give away the character names.

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger max power said...

This query writer was right about ONE thing. It does go from "scary to oddly comical".

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Ahh, Penlies, had a flare up did you?

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

OOPS! I was wrong...

It's Kristin DAVIS!!

Got to love IMDB!!

Three Days (2001) (TV)
Directed by Michael Switzer

Writing credits (WGA)
Robert Tate Miller (written by) and
Eric Tuchman (written by)

Genre: Family / Fantasy

Tagline: An angel interrupts destiny to give love 72 hours for a second chance.

User Rating: 6.5/10 (142 votes)

Credited cast:
Kristin Davis .... Beth Farmer
Reed Diamond .... Andrew Farmer
Danielle Brett
Tim Meadows .... Lionel
Cedric Smith
Alexa Gilmour

Runtime: 120 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

"What started with a simple consultation for him, results in the dramatic disclosure that his wife will die within 48 hours."

48, Starring Keiffer Southerland and that chick from "Old School" with the great butt.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

I don't want to see any more damn movies about somebody dying, unless they die in a flaming motorcycle crash or riddled with bullets or something.

These romantic tragedies about some chick dying of some very pretty, yet terminal, disease bite Satan's wang.

Also, all this blathering about in the afterlife business gives me hives. Sweet mother of Baal, people, if there is an afterlife and an omniscient deity, I can guarantee you he/she/it doesn't give an iota of flying chimp poo about this kind of nonsense.

Boo, hoo, hoo, I never told my wife I love her--SUCK IT UP! At least you didn't catch the Ebola!

And, Meg, you have already been elected Miss Bumpernuts by popular acclaim. Just sayin'.

 
At 12:53 PM, Blogger Meg said...

I will accept my crown proudly and, in my reign as Miss Bumpernuts, will attempt to rid the world of Penlies' anal warts.

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Sidhedevil: The query doesn't say how the wife dies. This could actually be the focus of the film. As the husband, Ashton, continues to save his wife from death and return to the clairvoyant we, the viewer, are treated to the same vision as the fortune teller, and that vision gets more graphic and disturbing each time. For example:

Death 1- Wife gets laid to death by the Harlem Globetrotters. Ashton averts death by giving away tickets.

Death 2- Wife loses limb in lawn mowing accident (dismembered leg stoots across the street and hits neighbor's cat, killing it too) and bleeds to death on lawn. Ashton averts death by cutting lawn himself.

Death 3- Wife killed by flying dismembered leg from neighbor's lawn mowing accident.

Etc.

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

I was under the impression that EVERY clairvoyant tells every john (not a name, but a state of being) really scary, bad news. That's how they keep them coming back for more.

Actually, remember a few years ago, when the Psychic Friends Network went bankrupt due to "unforeseen" money problems. How many psychics did they have working for them, and NOBODY foresaw the money problems? I LOVED THAT!!! I loved it much better than this query.

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

This story is unfilmable. How do you show a guy trying to stop his wife from dying when he doesn't know how she's going to die?

Wrap her in bubble wrap and strap her to the couch?

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger WednesdayMoon said...

We have a young couple, a Jedi and a senator, struggling with careers, a much-wanted pregnancy (that must be kept a secret) and the challenges of everyday life. The husband resorts to a clairvoyant to help him when once again he is pasted over for a promotion at work (the Jedi Council refused to let him be an official member). What started with a simple consultation for him, results in the dramatic disclosure that his wife will die within 48 hours ( possibly in childbirth).

So he goes to see Palpatine who turns him to the Dark Side. We all know what happens after that. ;)

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

WednesdayMoon: VERY GOOD!!!!

 
At 2:21 PM, Blogger Yowza wowza said...

The only way this would remotely approach good is if the clairvoyant was also a serial murderer who selected her targets from her clientele.

 
At 3:15 PM, Blogger Charli said...

I can "see" this won't get made.

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

Aren't psychics notoriously vague so as not to get caught or sued? "I see a human being coming into contact with you in your future..."

Yet this one nails it right on the head?

"Yes, I see it now. Your wife is toast. Thanks for coming. No, we don't validate."

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

this is just like that story where the woman sells her hair to get her husband something and he sells his.. something to get her a hairpin... and then they die in the car driving to the clairvoyant...48 HOURS LATER

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger Security Dog said...

Spacemonkey. That's what I don't get. The clairvoyant told him she was gonna kark it, so he saves her a couple of times, then he see's the clairvoyant again.

STAY HOME, MAN!!! Look after your wife, FFS.

 
At 7:45 PM, Blogger Bam said...

Yeah, I don't ever get these clairvoyant stories. If a clairvoyant tells you your wife is about to die in the next 48 hours, frickin' call in sick, sit on the ouch with her, and eat nothing but chicken soup for 48 hours, and don't let her out of your sight! What's so hard about that?

Personally, I think it would have been hilarious if they sat on the couch, waiting out the 48 hours, then drove each other nuts, and killed each other.

But that's crazy, you say. And so this is query.

 
At 9:15 PM, Blogger anders3000 said...

I consulted a clairvoyant the last time I was passed up for a promotion at work. Its name was Jack Daniels.

 
At 9:30 PM, Blogger but_seriously said...

I just watched Constantine (well the first half, at least). I have to say, if that piece of crap got greenlighted, so could this.

 
At 11:21 PM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Jesus Christ, Empress! You're fucking with my head!

It's just wrong to smoke a bedtime bowl of pot, log on, read an opus of a title -- about Scientology, no less, in the hilarious age of Tom & Katie -- only to read on and on and on and on through this god-fucking-awful query letter, and in what state of mind?

Stoned! I'm thinking "Where the fuck is the Scientology?"

* * *

That said, oh, Query Writer, where to begin?

You stupid twat. Who's going to have sympathy for a guy who's so insufferably weak and uncreative that he resorts to a psychic for guidance?

And they're a young couple, knocked up, and he's being irresponsible enough to spend their cash on MADAME CLEO?

Oh, the tension! The drama!

At $50 an hour, you're goddamned right the repeat visits carry nothing but ominous news.

Jesus. This is so bad I'm starting to get pissed off that I had to read it twice, and then think this drivel up. There goes 12 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

And I'm stoned, so that 12 minutes feels like an hour. God.

Dude, it's a fucking COURT drama. The psychic cow deserves to be sued!

And why are the psychics always women?! I've known a lot of male psychics.

Sexist screenwriters. But your excuse is your blatant, inexcuseable stupidity.


Can't we all just get a bong?

 
At 9:27 AM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

BAM,

Got an alternative. You said that if "...a clairvoyant tells you your wife is about to die in the next 48 hours, frickin' call in sick, sit on the ouch with her, and eat nothing but chicken soup for 48 hours, and don't let her out of your sight! What's so hard about that?""

Well you could just head over to the State Farm office and take out a $1,000,000 policy on her, then head to the Alstate office and take out a $1,000,000 on her, then head to the GIECO office and take out a $1,000,000 on her. Then go get pulled over for speeding or DWI and get tossed into jail so you have a solid alabi.

Get out two weeks later rich and single.

 
At 9:32 AM, Blogger Bam said...

LARRY RASCZAK,

what if it were true luuuurve? Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth while typing that.

But yeah, your idea is way better than mine. LET'S GET THIS THING MADE!

 
At 10:17 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Must.....have...new...query letter.

 
At 10:49 AM, Blogger penlies said...

Meg, do you think you can rid the world of my anal warts with your teeth? Cause that would be something.

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Penlies, I for one am going to pretend I didn't just read that.

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger dogfrog said...

I just wanted them both to die, no negotiations, just plain death. No-one mourns, no-one notices, they just rot at the bottom of the city garbage dump and not so much as a CSI flinches.

 
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