Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Help take a BITE out of bad queries.

"This script is about a vampire that has a brother. Since childhood his brother was always jealous of him. The brother felt their mother gave the older brother more attention then she gave him. They both were in love with a human but she loved the older brother. Before their mother died she gave the older brother a hooded robe were he could go into the sunlight to see his love.

In a rage the younger brother killed the human woman and blamed it on humans. He then tried to turn his grief stricken brother against the humans and get the robe from him so he could rule all vampires. The brother learned the truth of what happened to his love and about his younger brother's plan. Then, he fell in love with another human. He tried to keep her a secret but the younger brother found out and was trying to kill her. He then tricked his younger brother into believing he was going to aid him in the war against the humans but turned on his brother killing him to save the woman he loves and for the human race. He became leader over the vampires."

96 Comments:

At 10:07 AM, Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

This vampire query sucks.

 
At 10:20 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Huh?

Which brother is the vampire? Is the mom a vampire? Do I care at all about vampire moveis, especially those practically guaranteed to be crappy?

I'd be curious to see the whole thing just to find out if the writer ever gives any of the characters a name.

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger but_seriously said...

So the robe allows him to go in the sunlight and rule all vampires?

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

This anemic query made me dizzy... needs a transfusion of logic.

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger penlies said...

and than a 12 year old writes a query. and than it gets posted on a bolg. Than people make fun of it because it sucks balls and than the 12 year old cries. This makes him leader of all 12 year old bad query writters. But vampires are still stoopid.

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger Security Dog said...

I have a plasma screen that this would look great on.

Meh.

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger dub_vee said...

this is the first time in a while there has been a genuinely bad querey and the writer is trying to get this turned into a movie but it didnt work so he will become a vampire and he ruled the other vampires.

maybe i would watch this movie if i could stop changing tenses long enough to not have already seen it

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger dodgeperry said...

What, there's only one robe on the planet? The younger brother needs that particular robe to walk around in daylight?

And if you're a vampire, and your younger brother (yes I think I've got it sorted out) kills the woman you love, then doesn't she become a vampire? Then it's a win-win situation. You can take of the robe and get vampire-crazy.

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

Kids, now we see why we don't use the format you used for your sixth-grade book report in writing queries.

I expected it to end with "I recommend this script to anyone who is interested in movies. Or vampires. Thank you."

 
At 11:47 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I agree this was written by a 12 year old. To his credit, I think he was covertly writing it in Social Studies class and therefore didn't give it the attention it deserved. The person I blame is the mom who found it in his notebook and sent it in.

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger kojled said...

there was this writer and he wrote this story and he pitched it in one long ass run on sentence and the reader lost the ability to read halfway through the long ass run on query logline that quit making sense half way through the long ass query the went on and on and on and on

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger Cheapo said...

kojled, slow down... Breathe big guy breathe...

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger Bobbie Mac said...

dub_vee said...
"maybe i would watch this movie if i could stop changing tenses long enough to not have already seen it"

that is/was/will be funny!

What I really want to see is the "were he." I've seen enough vamp movies with werewolves...but a were he...THAT'S original.

Now, were did I put that remote?

 
At 12:06 PM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

The writing style reminds me of the Monty Python skit where Eric Idle starts talking about travelling, bus tours and German tourists. I particularly liked the version of it in Live at the Hollywood Bowl where he starts walking through the audience to get away from the men in the white coats.

Only that was funny.

 
At 12:27 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

The vampire needs a hooded robe so he can go out in sunlight to see his love?

Why doesn't he just date at night, like HUMANS do?

Working title: ANGEL, Season 7

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger Yowza wowza said...

Can't he just go buy a second hooded robe? Why is that ONE special? Does it posses xtreme shields? Xtreme vampire ruling weapons? Jesus.

 
At 1:13 PM, Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

"This script is about a vampire that has a brother."

No. It is not.

It is a script about a vampire WHO has a brother.

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

This reminds me of an ad that used to run on local TV when I was in high school. It was advertising adult education classes, and it showed this one old lady who had graduated from the program who said, "I couldn't hardly read nor write. I didn't know the right pronoun-SAY-tion of words." We used to imitate her a lot in the hallways.

 
At 1:45 PM, Blogger Storm said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger Storm said...

Sorry...just accidently removed my previous posting when my dog ran across my keyboard!!!!

As I was saying, why would I want to buy the book when I got so much from the query letter alone? I can't believe that someone actually worked on a story like this.

BTW...love your site!

 
At 2:34 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

Wow! It's like Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat...only with Vlad and a rather unamazing hooded robe.

 
At 2:35 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

Wow! It's like Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat...only with Vlad and a rather unamazing hooded robe.

 
At 3:31 PM, Blogger classymac said...

This Human Woman is confused. Would assigning character names make the query more confusing?

 
At 5:05 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Vampiah met a human girl
And den he fell in love.
His brudda met her in de day
Because he had a robe.

Dey put de girl wit' de vampiah,
Dey drank her blood up.
Dey put de girl wit' de vampiah,
Dey drank her blood up.
Dey put de girl wit' de vampiah,
Dey drank her blood up.
Dey put de girl wit' de vampiah,
Dey called dey mudda, woke her up

And said, "Mudd-a,"
"Ain't dere nuttin' I can take?"
Dey said, "Mudd-a,"
"To relieve dis belly ache?

Now let me get dis straight.

Ya put de girl wit' de vampiah,
And drank her blood up?
Ya put de girl wit' de vampiah,
And drank her blood up?
Ya put de girl wit' de vampiah,
And drank her blood up?

Etcetera, etcetera.

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger Security Dog said...

Nick Cave, is that you?

 
At 6:58 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!!

 
At 7:01 PM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Security-- Heh! I think it's Nick on holidays in the Caribbean, drinking bloody marys.

Query Writer--

You are a stupid, stupid man.

You suck so bad it's clear the query is merely a Freudian outlet for all your suckage.

Your grammar is laughable. Your lack of clarity begs for fucking Windex.

And don't even get me started on the whole narcissistic "Mommy loved Sammy more! Wah!" crap you're trying to peddle.

Viewers want characters they care about. A whiner? A whiner who sucks people's blood and wants to kill all the humans?

Oh, yeah, that's marketable. Twit.

Suck me, suck me, suck me!

 
At 10:22 PM, Blogger COLOfilm said...

Working Title: Oh, Brother, What Wearest Thou?

This query makes a lot more sense if you just imagine it written in purple crayon on a Big Chief tablet with a Kool-Aid stain in the corner.

 
At 11:49 PM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Tee hee.

 
At 6:00 AM, Blogger Jake Barnes said...

Can't something be done to discourage such horrendous queries?

Seems the ultimate deterrent would be to MAKE the movie, then force the writer to watch it over and over and over again while being jabbed with a stick: "you see, you see now why your idea sucks?"

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

I think the philosophy these query writers have adopted is something along the lines of "If I throw enough shit at the wall eventually something will stick."

Having seen and avoided seeing some of the shit that has been made makes me believe that it may work.

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger ME said...

Name your stupid characters!
I wonder how it looks like in the script.
Vampire: Hey, where's my robe bro?
Vamipire's bro: Hmm, I took it to the dry cleaners...

 
At 8:49 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

I can't decide which I hate more:

1) Not naming any of the characters in the query.

2) Not naming any of the characters in the query until half way down, and then letting a name slip.

What do good queries look like?
Is this something they teach you in script writing school (i.e. "Don't name your characters in case it prejudices the reader.")?

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

bweaves: Then there are really stupid character names. Do you remember Chief Circlejerk and the gay squirrel named Gay?

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Yes I do remember, but names can be changed to protect the stupid.

Those names still beat:

A vampire
Other vampire
Human woman
Another human
A brother
He

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Colofilm,
If you imply that this horrible abortion of a query was written on a Big Chief tablet, people might wrongly assume it is the work of the Great Ignatius J. Reilly, who has no time for this sort of thing, as he is busy scarfing down hotdog vendor hotdogs.

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger dodgeperry said...

Taffy,

Don't be a dunce.

 
At 2:14 PM, Blogger TN_Dreamer said...

This script is about a he who has a "friends with benefits" relationship with a she, but wants more than she is willing to give. Unfortunately, she is in love with another he who likes a different she but can't tell the 2nd she that he (2nd he, not the 1st he) likes the 2nd she. So, then the 2nd he instead dates the 1st she in a bid to make the 2nd she jealous of the 2nd he and the 1st she being together. The 1st he then gets really, really mad at the 2nd he, and kills the 2nd he. Then the 1st she kills the the 1st he in an act of revenge, and goes to prison for life. Then the 2nd she became the queen of all of the she's and he's.

 
At 8:09 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

It was love at first bite :p

 
At 4:14 PM, Blogger Pufferfish said...

Whosinthewhatnow? I don't know what emotion to use to describe it, I'm utterly baffled, as the vast amounts of pro-nouns and odd 'only-robe-in-the-world-which-must-mean-my-bath-robe-doesn't-exist' usage in this story seem to have broken a part of my brain. But not the typing part, that never breaks. My proper grammar and spelling part on the other hand...

 
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At 3:56 PM, Blogger http://www.debt-consolidation.com said...

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