Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Swords n' Sandals epics are SO over -- deal with it.

"Three very different lives intertwine in an ironic tapestry of fate set against the backdrop of the Roman Empire.

Genre: Adventure / Drama

One man lives his life as a lowly beggar, but his luck changes when he helps a young prisoner escape a gruesome death in a sinking ship. From the bench of the destroyed ship, the first man carves a beggar's bowl which soon directs and changes the course of his life. Meanwhile, the prisoner goes on to become the most ruthless bandit in the empire, even while constantly being hunted by the ship's disfigured whip master. Meanwhile, a poor slum boy grows up to become a famous matinee idol. But he's plagued by a lifelong curse and every dog that comes near, despises and attacks him. Soon, the lives of all three will converge, in this tale of a beggar, a bandit and an actor, as one sets in motion the great fire that will burn Rome to the ground."

55 Comments:

At 10:23 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Aladin III, Dogday afternoon.

 
At 10:29 AM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

How can a beggar be aboard a sinking ship?

How can a bowl change the course of someone's life? Was he using a cup before?

Who puts a curse on someone so that dogs hate you?

This query makes want to go right to the third act and set Rome on fire right now!

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger Amanda said...

What the crap is a "manitee idol?"

And the curse on his life is that dogs don't like him?

Where's the creativity?!?!

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger The Princess Mom said...

As far as I know, there were no moving picture shows in ancient Rome, hence no matinee idol.

Sounds like Gladiator meets Les Miserables.

It really needs some ill portents a la Julius Caesar--lions in the streets, lightning strikes, bumpernuts. Actors really go in for that melodramatic stuff.

 
At 10:56 AM, Blogger isolde said...

". . . as one sets in motion the great fire that will burn Rome to the ground."

So one of them is Nero?

 
At 10:56 AM, Blogger isolde said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:05 AM, Blogger stacysom said...

So a beggar, a bandit and an actor walk into a Roman bar ...
I bet even the lamest ending to that joke would be better than this 'adventure/drama.'

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

..."an ironic tapestry of fate.."?

Is that similar to an incongruous wall-hanging of destiny?

"...a beggar's bowl which soon directs..."

Sheesh, everybody wants to be a director...

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

I had an ironic tapestry of fate once. But it was a bitch to keep clean, so I got mini blinds instead.

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger kojled said...

every cat that gets near me wants to be petted. i wonder if a magic bowl can lift this curse

 
At 11:50 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

My thought is the tapestry of fate is literally only a backdrop which can be pulled aside to reveal a discount matinee idol, as Tom Cruise is too expensive for this particular film.

...Or by 'matinee' the writer means the idol is about to be attacked by lions for the viewing pleasure of a large (disfigured) colosseum crowd who wants someone to pay with their lives for the overpriced otter's noses everyone is snacking on.

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

I'm studying Anglo-Saxon Old English, and "fate" in OE is "wyrd" (pronounced "weird").
As in Shakespear's Macbeth's "Weird Sisters" predicted Macbeth's fate.

So that would make this query's "ironic tapestry of fate" just a "weird, crewel/cruel wallhanging."

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

You know what's wyrd -- we have two Pajiba ads, one for each missing Bumper Nut.

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Wait a minute... He carves a bowl on the sunken ship?

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

Why is every query writer so against naming their characters? It would really make my life here so much easier.

As for the dog curse, I'm really having difficulty imagining anything besides tiny little ankle-biter dogs attacking this guy, and hilarity ensuing.

 
At 1:38 PM, Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

True: the county sheriff almost tazered my dog in my living room last Saturday.

Hmmm ... there's probably a better story in that than this crappy wood bowl of magic garbage.

Tip: never accidentally hit 911 when dialing the phone. The cops show up, then get freaked out when your dog attacks them.

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger StephTexas1976 said...

You know "Manitee Idol"...... the latest "American Idol" rip off.

And Bargin - isn't carving what you do while your ship is sinking??!!??!! It is so very soothing...

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Spacemonkey: RE: Accidentally dialing 911.

I worked with a computer nerd who set up his PC to automatically dial out to another computer. He had it set to dial 9, and then the number 111-1111, or something like that. Needless to say, the cops showed up every morning and he couldn't figure out why. They charged him for excessive 911 calls.

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

My wife has accidentally called 911 twice now. I wonder if we're creating a record with the police dept.

Odd thing is ... the sheriff didn't come out until 50 minutes after she'd pressed 911. Good thing it wasn't an emergency.

 
At 2:03 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

I had a life-changing bowl in college. I smoked it before every philosophy class. As for the rest of the query I have to admit that the dog attack curse gave me a good belly laugh. I am envisioning scenes similar to the closing credits from the Benny Hill show, complete with the fast motion and soundtrack. Perhaps the dog attacks can include urinating to add to the low-brow comedy.

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger Yowza wowza said...

"Three very different lives intertwine"

So, how are a begger, a prisoner, and a struggling actor 'very different'?

 
At 3:07 PM, Blogger The Gambino Crime Family said...

People look down more on the actor.

 
At 5:57 PM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

I once lived next door to these guys in Hollywood. I would have taken them up on the beer bong invite if I knew about the disfigured whip master.

 
At 7:17 PM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

What the crap is a "manitee idol?"

Someone who's popular with the dugongs, of course. I'm thinking Philip Seymour Hoffman.

As the princess mom pointed out, all of the plays in Ancient Rome were performed in the daytime, so the concept of the "matinee idol" doesn't really apply (even if any human being had actually used that phrase since 1926, along with the rest of the following slang expressions--23 Skiddoo, destiny's tot! You're in like Flynn! Notary sojac! There goes your mother with her eye out! You tell 'em corset, you've been around the ladies! &c, &c, &c.)

I say get rid of everything except the disfigured whip master and make it a porno.

 
At 7:43 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

I studied Roman theater in university and i can tell you that it was exceptionally hard to be an actor in Rome.

There were two types of shows, Arena and Staged. The stage/theater was built and destroyed in the same day, as it was illegal to have them standing overnight.

One play by Seneca had a man steal another man's wife, then convinced her to kill her kids and serve them to her former husband as a meal to get revenge.

The arena shows were hideous. The story of Icarus would end with 50 prisoners with bird feathers glued to their arms tossed off a tower from 100 feet in the air. Another one had a house built in the arena, filled with gold, property deeds, etc, and then lit on fire. Contestants were encouraged to run into the house and grab what they could before they died.

And if you think that's bad, look up William Prynne.

 
At 2:52 AM, Blogger The Visitor said...

This post has not been removed by the author. He is just rendered speechless by this query.

 
At 4:40 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

This query references some things I've always wanted to do:
-intertwine my life in an ironic tapestry
(over, under, cross- no, that was sarcasm)
-be directed by a beggars bowl (what's my motivation? oh, hunger.)
-be hunted by a disfigured whip master
(oooh yeah, baby)
-become a curse-ridden, dog-plaued matinee idol
(Well, Oprah, it all started in the slums when I used puppies as bait)
-set a fire in motion
(I need some flicker action on the left there, and make those embers pirouette...)

 
At 4:41 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

dog-plagued, that is.

 
At 6:32 AM, Blogger dub_vee said...

"BWeaves said...
Aladin III, Dogday afternoon."

sorry, its gonna have to be aladdin IV. maybe you forgot about the completion of the triology, aladdin and the king of thieves? aladdins dad comes to visit for the weekend and hijinks ensue. anyways, you really have to watch out for those straight-to-vhs movies, like "the sandlot 2"

 
At 7:08 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Yeah, I forgot about all the direct to video sequels. I only remembered seeing one of them advertised. I should have just jumped it up to some outrageous sequel number like VVXI.

 
At 7:09 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

That's V V X I.

I really didn't type a W.

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

That's still not a legitimate Roman numeral. How about XLVII?

This is so much more interesting than posting about this query, by the way.

 
At 7:37 AM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

Crazed Writer says "The arena shows were hideous.... Another one had a house built in the arena, filled with gold, property deeds, etc, and then lit on fire. Contestants were encouraged to run into the house and grab what they could before they died."

Sounds a lot like Fear Factor!
Have you thought of calling Mark Burnett with this idea? or perhaps the FOX Netowork?

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger dub_vee said...

"Contestants were encouraged to run into the house and grab what they could before they died."

i like the way this is worded. it makes it sound like no contestants survived, so it was basically pointless to try and get stuff.

ARENA DIRECTOR: ok people, first of all, i just want to say congratulations on being selected for the show. you guys are lukcy to get such an opportunity like this one. are there any questions before we start?

CONTESTANT 1: how much money can we potentially make here?

ARENA DIRECTOR: over 50 pounds of gold and the deeds to 100 total acres of land are in the house.
all you have to do is run in there and grab it before you all die.

CONTESTANT 2: wait, what if we dont try to take all that much stuff, and get out of the house in time and live?

ARENA DIRECTOR: i dont think you understand, youre going to die by the end of the game, so you might as well try to grab as much stuff as possible.

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Bargaintuan: I kinda LIKE the idea that it's not a legitimate Roman numeral. It has closure for me.

Crazed Writer says "The arena shows were hideous.... Another one had a house built in the arena, filled with gold, property deeds, etc, and then lit on fire. Contestants were encouraged to run into the house and grab what they could before they died."

That reminds me of a Steve Martin quote, "I believe that the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns!"

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

I wouldn't have thought that disfigured whip masters would get that many personal days.

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

I wouldn't have thought that disfigured whip masters would get that many personal days.

Hey, thank the SPQRDA legislation for that. (Jupiter-damned wagon-chasing recuperatores!)

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

Imagine this film starring the Monty Python crew.

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Bring out your dead!

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Imagine this film starring the Monty Python crew.

They would make any film better, even though Graham is only available in cardboard these days.

 
At 9:18 AM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

...even though Graham is only availble in cardboard these days.

You know, I don't think that would be a real liability for this film.

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger jnr said...

i just hope everything works out for the three converging dogs.

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger Carter said...

manitee idol = fat, ugly, and too stupid to get out of the way of a motorboat. No wonder he's struggling.

Another one had a house built in the arena, filled with gold, property deeds, etc, and then lit on fire.

Is that where "like a house afire" came from?

I don't see the point to this query. I don't understand why I wasted my precious minutes reading and commenting on it.

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger Bobbie Mac said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
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