Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Ho hum city.

"To Whom It May Concern:

May we present...

An action-adventure, the likes of which has never been told before, a tale crossing the boundaries of time, tribes, and truths.

Meet our heroine, a 19-year-old peppery Edwardian English rose archaeologist who's willing to risk it all for...A FAIRY TALE???

Our story begins in the here and now with her great granddaughter, forced to spend a summer in the English countryside...

Dumped by her parents at a wacky auntie's, the 14-year-old discovers her great-grandmother's ancient journal, chronicling her quest to the "Atlantis of the Sands," a world where she must overcome Edwardian attitudes of her pompous colleagues, shifting sands, feuding tribes, poisonous creatures, and even a genie. While trying to uncover the long-lost secrets of this mythical city and prove herself equal among her fellow archaeologists, her great-grandmother unwittingly stumbles upon a magical treasure that unlocks the gateway to colliding worlds of the past, present and future.

How much further apart could her and her great-grandmother's worlds be? Or are they? For in the end...it is only just the beginning...

If you are interested in unlocking our secrets..."

36 Comments:

At 10:55 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

So it took two to write this shit, then?

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Isn't the 'Atlantis of the Sands" a casino?

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

More proof that even though you can TYPE, you cannot necessarily WRITE.

 
At 11:19 AM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

No. Just plain no.

 
At 11:26 AM, Blogger sharpie said...

If you are interested in unlocking our secrets...then take a hit an pass it around.

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Peppery?
Isn't watercress peppery?
I mean, she is tring to risk it all for some FAIRY TAIL, after.

Possible title: Lezzie and Nance and the Time Portal of Doom.

Other title: The Watercress.

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Oh, WHERE to begin.

Oh, I know! At the top!

"A 19-year-old peppery Edwardian English rose archaeologist." A peppery rose of the Edwardian era. WTF?

That'll sweep the nation next Valentine's. Imagine sending your lover a dozen long-stemmed peppery roses. Inhaling deeply--sneezing for the next 30 minutes. Yes, pepper sex. Just imagine.

And clearly, math was never my strong suit, but a 19-year-old with a 14-year-old great granddaughter--what, are they rabbits or alleycats?

Where in the hell does the "wacky auntie" come in, anyhow?

And there's always a fucking genie. Doesn't anyone ever rinse their lanterns? Where do these supernatural bastards hide?

You know what this is? This is Spy Kids-meets-Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood-meets-The Chronicles of Narnia.

I'm gonna go and invent a scriptwriter's game where there's a big damn "Wheel of Plots" and you spin a little triple-sided arrow thingamajobber (shaped like s peace sign without the circle) and it whirs and wheels around and lands on three basic plots and you have 10 minutes, while you friends go and drink, to come up with a viable plot that melds all three story lines.

Like:

A Passage to India
The Great Escape
Duel

Might wind up being:

An Indian rickshaw driver, wrongly imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp, escapes using an 18-wheeler and American ingenuity.

Say, Empress, need a script doctor? I'm SO yours.

Faster, driver, faster!

 
At 11:55 AM, Blogger Jason B. said...

Unlock her peppery secrets?

Sign me up! Maybe I can finally get this catfish to come out right.

 
At 12:17 PM, Blogger Fingolfin said...

Tooting your own horns as these people did is not the way to gain the interest of an agent. That much I do know.

There were some good ideas in there, but many other bad ideas, unfortunately.

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger Fingolfin said...

It also sounds a bit like a rip-off of Narnia.

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

This movie sounds like it sucks.

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger Carter said...

...a 19-year-old peppery Edwardian English rose archaeologist...

So the only artifacts she's interested in are Edwardian English roses?

"Damn! More bones! And all this gold junk, too! I hate having to dig through all this trash to get to the fossilized roses!"

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

Including time travel in your plot means you never have to worry about math again.

But...if you are interested in unlocking our secrets, send your bank account number to our mutually-trusted go between in Nigeria. We'll split all the profits with you, promise.

 
At 2:11 PM, Blogger stacysom said...

Mix 1 peppery Edwardian English rose archaeologist with 1 salty 21st century Indiana Jones and you've got ... well, I'm not sure what, but it's got to be more interesting than this query.

Please keep this secret locked. For a very long time.

 
At 2:23 PM, Blogger Yowza wowza said...

So, she's Lara Croft, except her mentor is her great-grandmother instead of her father. Whoopie.

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

I'm not even getting the timeline, exactly.

So the heroine is 14 now. Which means that her mom would be most likely to be, say, 44. Which means that her grandmother would be, say, 74. Which means that her great-grandmother would be, say, 104.

Right? Now, the Edwardian era was 1901-1910 (Edward's actual rule), and you could eke it out to 1914 by arguing that English society didn't change much between the end of Edward's reign and the beginning of the First World War.

That makes it pretty near impossible for the great-grandmother to have been an archeologist in the Edwardian era. I mean, they usually don't let 9-13 year old girls be archeologists.

So we'll have to start by assuming that everyone in this girl's family was what the OB/GYNs call "an elderly primagravida" (i.e., had their first child after age 35).

Either that, or we'll have to start by assuming that the screenwriters don't know what the word "Edwardian" means.

In any case, there were quite a few women archeologists in England before the First World War. So the whole "she battled sexism" thing is kind of silly. I mean, some of the women archeologists might have battled sexism, but it wasn't all that unusual.

 
At 3:35 PM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

I also think that "peppery Edwardian English rose" is a new Jo Malone fragrance.

 
At 5:47 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

You know what I used to hate back in the day when I was a peppery Edwardian English rose archaeologist battling sexism--digging up Bumper Nuts that I know the guys planted there to get a rise out of me.

 
At 8:48 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

Maybe auntie was an acidhead. That's why she's so wacky.

 
At 12:51 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

Steff: I want that game! Seriously. Dop I get a discount if I show you my family tre chockfull of peppery English roses and wacky aunties?

 
At 6:21 AM, Blogger katwoman79 said...

"If you are interested in unlocking our secrets..."

then pull my finger.

 
At 7:40 AM, Blogger RockSteady said...

My great-grandmother unwittingly stumbled upon a magical treasure once. She had to have hip replacement because of it. It was a real bitch.

 
At 11:12 AM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...


My great-grandmother unwittingly stumbled upon a magical treasure once. She had to have hip replacement because of it. It was a real bitch.


Hey, my great-grandmother was a real bitch, too, but at least I give her the courtesy of a feminine pronoun!

 
At 8:17 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

Ummmm... I meant the hip replacement was a real bitch.

 
At 11:57 PM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

I'll give you a discount if you keep them the fuck away from me, Cinekat! Heh. They sound freaky!

Yeah, now I'm pissed I posted that idea. It just popped into my head when I was typing. Sheesh.

 
At 9:48 AM, Blogger Senator Turmoil said...

Steff,

Too late.

The Official Movie Plot Generator

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger Amanda said...

Narnia, Neverending Story...I can think of several books/movies these people are ripping off.

 
At 10:04 AM, Blogger MontiLee said...

Wait - is she 14 or 19?

Oh wait - it's *her* great-grandaughter - an ancillary character, dumped at another ancillary character's home, the past told in the present by aforementioned ancillary character who's probably more likely to be bumming fags off blokes or playing video games and NOT reading about dusty grand-grammy's exploits.

Unless she's looking for the hit parts.

I'm much more interested in finding where you keep your secrets so I can burn the entire stash to the ground.

 
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