Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Eeek! When hairless squirrels attack!

"A Halloween road trip ends in a bizarre car accident.

Genre: Horror

A girl and her friends are about to have the most terrifying and unusual Halloween of their lives, when a car accident with a hairless squirrel, leaves them stranded in dark and rainy woods where the horror truly begins."

245 Comments:

At 10:36 AM, Blogger COLOfilm said...

Hi, I'm Rocky J. Squirrel, president of the Hair Club for Squirrels...

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Meg said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA gasp HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Hairless Squirrel is a great name for a band.

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger GobiasInc said...

"where the horror truly begins."

Humm.. I'm thinking revenge from the hairless squirrl's family? Maybe a cult of hairless squirrls? Like Deliverance, but with hairless squirrls.

 
At 10:46 AM, Blogger Space Shark said...

"when a car accident with a hairless squirrel"

Those dang hairless squirrl drivers... if they're not chatting on thier cell phones there fixing their wigs in the rearview mirror. Why do we even let them drive?

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger JM Snyder said...

where the horror truly begins.

... Yeah, the rest of this film.

Seriously though, I think Paris Hilton's available.

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger Meg said...

I bet the hairless squirrel was driving a minivan too! With about eight little baby hairless squirrels in the back jumping up and down, waving their little hairless squirrel arms around. I bet that not only was the main hairless squirrel talking on her cell phone, she was probably also trying to do her makeup, fix the baby squirrel's lunches and arrange for her manicure at the same time. Meanwhile, the poor girl behind her is trying to get around her but can't and is steadily going insane wondering why the HELL CAN'T SHE AT LEAST GO THE FUCKING SPEED LIMIT FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!

Just sayin'.

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Damn Meg, that was going to be my entry exactly!!!

Wasn't this script already done as "Wrong Turn" with Eliza Dushku, except the hairless squirels were cannibalistic, inbred mountain men?

I always wondered how you could have cannibalistic, inbred mountain men with no mountain women, but I digest (sic).

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

Wait a minute! I get it. Genius. Hairless Squirrel is a metaphor for a neo-Nazi mentally disturbed zombie lawyer.

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

I've hit hundreds of squirrels while driving and never once did the collision result in a mionor speed reduction, much less an accident. What kind of car are they driving? Even on a bike I think hitting a squirrel is pretty tame. Now, if the girl and her friend hit a hairless (or completely haired) moose we'd have something worth watching. I'd pay to see the female members of "I know What You did Last Summer" decapitated in an exploding mess of moose guts, fur, and lip gloss.

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Fat Chance: Other than the Neo Nazi part, according to your definition I am the hairless squirrel. But, I would NEVER drive a minivan. I support the death penalty for those who do.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger snow-cap said...

Has anyone considered that the squirrel is hairless because it's undergoing chemotherapy? Have a heart, people. This movie is clearly the squirrel version of "Love Story."

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Maybe "hairless squirrel" is another name for, you know, the thing attached to the bumpernuts?

 
At 11:33 AM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

Why does hairless squirrels = a night of horror? I mean if we are talking bad omens black cats and movies staring Eric Roberts jump to mind but hairless squirrels? On the scale of xtreme adventure beginnings have a hairless squirrel run out in front of your car is pretty tame. Where do you after that in terms of terror, to a haunted arcade where they can't get their quarters back when the games lost power? Where do you go from here?

On a side note, how can a hairless squirrel do that much damage to a car?

 
At 11:35 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Bweaves, if you're right then I have no idea what the writer means by

"when a car accident with a hairless squirrel, leaves them stranded in dark"

Please explaine this to me.

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Reg: Um, it's kinda code for, you know.

I mean, like, they don't actually RUN INTO a hairless squirrel. They have a car accident WITH a hairless squirrel, because, um, they're like "doing it" while driving, and have a car accident. Do I have to make this porno for you?

 
At 12:10 PM, Blogger Slimey8 said...

"the most terrifying and unusual Halloween of their lives"

I guess they normally just have terrifying Halloweens and this one just happens to be unusual because the squirrel is hairless.

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger isolde said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:15 PM, Blogger isolde said...

Hey Rocky, watch me pull a horror flick out of my ass!

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger hoover said...

here's how this accident occurs:

EXT NIGHT: Minivan full of smart (yet hot) girls drives down winding road. Obligatory "rock" music in background.

CUT TO OUTSIDE OF VAN: Hairless squirrel watches passively from branch as van drives by.

CUT BACK TO INTERIOR OF VAN, 1 HOUR LATER: Driver whips around to look behind her.

Driver: Holy hell, that fucking squirrel was bald!

CUT TO EXTERIOR AS VAN GOES OVER CLIFF.

CUT BACK TO SQUIRREL WHO IS NOW WALKING DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS THE HORIZON WHERE THE VAN AWAITS.

CUT BACK TO BUMPER NUTS SWINGING FROM BACK OF WRECKED VAN.

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger Cheapo said...

I don't know HOW many times i've almost been in a wreck showing my girl the ol' hairless squirrel

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

HOOVER: You forgot about all the hot girl-on-girl action in the back of the van pre-crash.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger hoover said...

reg: oh no, i didn't forget it. it will be a flashback during the 3 hours it takes the squirrel to get to the accident.

also, i think the girls will be pinned in the van in needlessly compromising positions.

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I was just thinking of squirrels yesterday, as this same shit always happened to me when my father forgot to feed Buttons the Squirrel.

http://frandrank.blogspot.com/

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Brilliant!

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

Sorry, Meg. You're a good sport.

 
At 12:52 PM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

The writer must be talking about the giant hairless squirrels that have been terrorizing that small town in the midwest. And the real terror probably involves being slowly eaten to death by thousands of hairless miniature raccoons that are terrorizing the small town near that small town in the midwest.

Or maybe the writer is taking the wrong medication.

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Why can't, some people use, commas correctly?

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

Bargaintuan said...
Why can't, some people use, commas correctly?

They don't use commas correctly to be certain that their query ends up on this blog. It may take some really awful use of punctuation to make that stupid idea worthy of being here.

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger kojled said...

would advise losing the hairless squirrel thing and just go with:

girls in woods, night, scary stuff happens (body count adjustable as needed)

 
At 1:32 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

I like the hairless squirrels.
I can hear the trailer now.

"In a world where squirrels are hairless . . ."

 
At 1:36 PM, Blogger 20/20 Blog Master said...

Thank you, thank you, dear query letters. This one just made me giggle at its 'horror'. Sometimes you just need a good giggle.

 
At 1:38 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I'm wondering about that guy in the woods who's shaving all the squirrels in the dark and the rain. Everyone knows it's much harder to shave wet fur, especially in the dark. At least I know that.

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

Is it possible the "hairless squirrel" is actually a naked mole rat? Perhaps the Halloween road trip takes place in Ethiopia, Somalia or Africa, where naked mole rats are common.

Course there aren't many dark and rainy woods in Equatorial Africa.

Hmmm. Nope...this query just sucks. I've never taken a screenwriting course, but I'm pretty sure there's no way that squirrels = horror. Not even hairless ones. Not even with red eyes and chicken feet.

 
At 1:42 PM, Blogger Admiral said...

Maybe the hairless squirrel was trying to bury the van's bumpernuts. Winter's a'comin'.

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger kojled said...

mustang sally

ran your idea past marketing - no go. using bweaves model you get something like: in a world where naked mole rats run around on roads and cause accidents...

just doesn't flow. besides, nmr are better suited to mother/daughter(s) suspense-thrillers, not father/son(s) horror. for f/s(s) horror, the hairless squirrel is the clear choice. so: for m/d(s) s-t use nmr. for f/s(s) h use hs

that's what marketing said, at least. they should know

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Mustang Sally said...

"...there's no way that squirrels=horror..."


Actually, I would disagree with you on this point. Any of the Ernest films involving squirrels could be considered horror flicks. I know they give me nightmares just thinking that film was wasted on them. Hey, maybe Ernest is in the woods shaving the little buggers! Cut to forested scene with Deliverance playing softly in the background.

[Note: I am not now, nor ever will be a screenwriter, so if this is wrong, screw it!]

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger hoover said...

i would greenlight this thing, but you've got to make the squirrel really terrifying: i'm thinking both hairless and suffering from erectile dysfunction. oh, and the accident could be caused because the squirrel, in an attempt to compensate for his baldness and inability to "rouse the nuts" as it were, has just bought a red porsche and, not knowing how to drive, crashes it into our hero's car. call me crazy goddamnit, but i think we've got something here.

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger hoover said...

oh, and it goes without saying that this squirrel drinks.

 
At 3:10 PM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Memo to self:

Is a squirrel large enough to incite fear and panic into stupid people in a forest? Perhaps not. Perhaps explore potentialities of a hairless skunk terrorizing midgets. That might get me a sold screenplay.

Oh, better yet. Maybe I should think about something truly horrifying-- like a large, dangerous deer. Sans hair, of course.

I'd like to have a deer named Damndi-- running around all helter-skelter in the nights, terrorizing midgets...

Yep. I can smell the advance on this badboy already. Fuck the squirrel.

Take me to the Mad Squirrel exhibit!

 
At 3:28 PM, Blogger Squiddy said...

Maybe the writer didn't intend for the hairlessness of the squirrel to be significant. Perhaps the writer lives on a toxic junk heap or something where all the squirrels are hairless. Just a thought...

 
At 3:47 PM, Blogger POPEalicious said...

Oh my lord!

"
"In a world where squirrels are hairless . . ."


JAJAJAJAJA!!!

...one girl....will tempt fate by colliding with them...in her car...where the horror truly begins...

SQUIRRELY
...all you can see is their flesh!

Or, maybe this has the makings of a hot "urban horror" title starring Coolio and other faded hip hop artists...

SQUIRRELZ!
"... your hood getz invaded by crunked hairle$$ SQUIRRELZ - grab your bling, cuz! your crib is next on their list!"

 
At 5:17 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

There actually have been squirrel attacks. The most famous one was where a squirrel stalked a neighborhood.

The story goes that a teenage girl was outside doing something and it jumped on her and started biting her. She screamed and hit it, it let go and she ran inside. It clawed at the door and ran away. Later that day it attacked a 40 year old man in his backyard. The police came and it attacked the officer. After a couple of days, they tracked down the squirrel and killed it.


Click here for more incidents

 
At 5:31 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Crazed Writer:

I think that was my father's squirrel, Buttons. I think it got sort of mad when my father died and stopped feeding it. The nerve.

Hmmm...I'm not a screenwriter either, but maybe I should shave Buttons and do a documentary. A "Where's Buttons Now?" type of thing, followed by a "How Exactly Can I Piss Off Buttons?" type of sequel, where I actually do the shaving and give him the keys to an old car I had that would never start because it was Virgin Mary blue.

 
At 6:28 PM, Blogger charoop said...

random thoughts:

damn, that bubonic plague's a scary bitch.

what's the significance of Halloween in this query? is it a hairless squirrel COSTUME worn by something actually large enough to cause a car accident?

better yet: squirrel climbs into engine block of girl's car on suburban street for a little nap. 40-mile drive to dark and rainy woods burns the squirrel's hair off, squirrel perishes horribly and its corpse gets caught in the serpentine belt, thereby causing the engine to seize and the vehicle to crash. THAT would be a bizarre car accident.

 
At 6:47 PM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Wasn't this already made-- as a Geico commercial? Although I guess in the commercial, the horror was being in the woods without auto insurance, which may actually be scarier than being in the woods with a hairless squirrel [Geico, not wanting to turn people off too much, wisely cast a squirrel with hair].

 
At 2:49 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

This query needs a Sasquatch. Unless the hairless squirrel is Paris Hiltons designer pooch gone finally and irrevocably psycho?

 
At 6:14 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

I actually did see a horrifying use of a person in a squirrel costume. There is a scene in "The Shining" where the camera pans past an open room and there is someone in a squirrel suit fellating a guy in a business suit. That scares the crap out of me every time. Of course, it's only a costume, it has hair, and I'm not even sure it's a squirrel as opposed to a groundhog or a rabbit. But it's creepy. Actually any adult in an animal costume is enough to put me on edge. I'm also a little scared of midgets so if there is an adult midget in an animal costume I can't function.

 
At 6:18 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Reg: Men in business suits tend to scare me more than men in animal costumes. Not sure why.

My boss interviewed someone yesterday (poor bastard) and he was about four feet tall with no hair (but prominent hairplugs). We called him Oompa Loompa. He'll fit right in.

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Does he drive a convertible sports car (corvette, most likely) and constantly talk about all the women he sleeps with, even though you know that he knows that you know he's full of shit? Does he fight somebody immediately after finishing his second beer, regardless of the situation or venue? Is his normal conversation during the day laced with obscenities? These are some of the questions you'll need to answer as you observe this guy to see if you have the walking definition of short-man's-disease on your hands.

 
At 7:12 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Well, my boss already has Napoleon Complex. And he's really tall. But, he wears this horrible toupee that he tells people is his real hair (really. without being asked.) But, he has these freakishly tiny hands that are nearly hairless, like a woman's. So, we think it's a teeny weanie problem. So, Oompa Loompa is like a physical manifestation of all of my boss's insecurities. It's very zen.

 
At 7:31 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

The thought of my boss hiring her own personal mini-me just sent me screaming down the hall. Much like this query.

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

It sounds like you're working with circus freaks.

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger Meg said...

I am looking for a new job as we speak. Even a Xtreme Zombie Lawyer can't take this for too long.

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

Did the hairless squirrels rape the accident victims, and then get sent into a FUGUE state by a vindictive psychic hypnotherapist? 'Cause, I don't want to be looking over my shoulder, wondering when the happy suburban squirrels revert to their former lives of crime.

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Good luck. Make sure that when you leave you go out in a blaze of glory. I envision some kind of "got your toupee" type of activity.

 
At 8:58 AM, Blogger Meg said...

I frequently take breaks from my Clive Owen fantasies and dream about ripping his toupee off and running down the hall with it. Then, my colleagues would carry me on their shoulders off to the pub where people buy me drinks...

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Perhaps you need something different then. Maybe something along the lines of "I just crapped in your car".

 
At 9:44 AM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

Meg, if you do steal your boss's toupee, be sure to give it to the poor hairless squirrel in this query. Probably all the horror that ensues (can horror ensue, or just hijinks?)is caused by the hairless squirrel's insecurity. I bet all the other squirrels are always making fun of it. Squirrels are such assholes.

Also, has anyone else noticed that whether you call it a hairless squirrel or a naked mole rat, it still sounds like a euphemism for penis? Bweaves really called that one.

 
At 10:18 AM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

Meg, with your sense of your humor, there is only one choice: entertainment lawyer.

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week. Enjoy the buffet!

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger but_seriously said...

Meg, what kind of law do you practice? We are looking for a dirt lawyer (2-3rd year associate) and a finance lawyer (lateral hire).

I could put in a good word for you. You know something like, 'She's willing to Jell-O wrestle for bikininuts.'

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger Meg said...

I think I should put the "willing to jello wrestle for bikinuts" on my resume. I think Entertainment law sounds like fun, but I do NOT want to live in Hollywood. Any kind of town that attracts the kind of people who write these queries is not for me. Makes my circus freak boss look like, well, a hairless squirrel.

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

OK, I gotta ask:

What's a dirt lawyer?

('cause I thought all lawyers were dirt lawyers or hairless squirrels, present company excluded.)

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger penlies said...

I think everyone missed the most important question. Do hairless squirrels like hairless nuts?

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

We need a new query. I guess everything Empress and Managerguy are seeing today is getting made.

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger but_seriously said...

Bweaves: A dirt lawyer is a real estate/property lawyer. I can see where the confusion came in though.

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

Meg's boss also picks his nose and wipes it on his tie.

 
At 1:55 PM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

First to Meg. If it makes you feel any better one of my law school classmates used to work for a litigator what was diagnosed as manic depressive… but he refused to take his meds because he thought they would “make him loose his Rambo litigator edge”. Every time she got fed up and quit he would just give her a raise. After a while she was making an ungodly amount of cash… then she didn’t NEED the job any more so she DID quit.

Good luck on the job search! I’m starting one myself. President Bush “invited” me back onto active duty in ’03, and after two years I’ve decided it is time to take my ball and go home. Want to make some real money.

Secondly, about this query…. Kids in a van come across a mysterious animal while on a Halloween trip in the woods? I’ll bet the twist ending is that the hairless squirrel isn’t really a squirrel at all! It’s actually mean Mister Jenkens who just dresses up like “The Legendary Hairless Hell Squirrel of East New Jersey” so that he can scare away the tourists and buy the old abandoned fair grounds at a real low price. Then he plans to secure the mineral rights and sell them to Standard Oil! In the last scene he can scream “And it would have worked too; if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

Toss in a talking Great Dane and we have a great direct to video DVD… or a major copyright infringement suit depending on who you sell it too…

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

"...accident with a hairless squirrel..."


If I had a nickel....

 
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you guys laugh but this is my job

http://squirrelproject.blogspot.com

 
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