Thursday, May 26, 2005

Well, I will admit that raze, rape and pillage can be my MO sometimes, especially when dealing with crappy pitches...

"If you unleashed Attila the Hun in a corporation today, gave him a good shave and appropriate business attire, then placed him in a powerful position, would anyone notice? My latest comedic screenplay depicts the tale of a Marketing Executive who becomes possessed by Attila the Hun and wreaks havoc on his firm in an effort to secure the promotion he was destined for. It's AMERICAN BEAUTY meets NETWORK, only ten times more hilarious!"

158 Comments:

At 10:18 AM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

Doesn't really translate well: barbarian warrior becomes modern day executive. Imagine the scene in the lunchroom when he starts eating... with the wrong fork!

 
At 10:20 AM, Blogger GobiasInc said...

Ten times more hilarious?

Really now. 2x maybe, 3x okay. but 10x times?

It's a proven fact that the level of hilarity rises in direct proportion to the number of trained monkeys featured in a film. I don't see any trained monkeys here.

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

Were there possesions in either of those movies? Why would Atilla want to posses some middle management guy? Is this like "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" meets "wall Street"?

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger BCPhil said...

A lot of people think that just because a topic isn’t necessarily xtreme in nature, like the above plot, it can never be xtreme. People might say this about Western’s for example. For some reason Atilla the Huns always makes me think of Western’s. Not like that potty mouth show on HBO called Dirtwood or whatever either.
Sadly, one of the things we don’t get to see anymore at movies is really sweet westerns. With that in mind, I would like to share with all of you an idea I had for a western, an Xtreme Western.
When I was a kid I remember seeing a movie called Companeros. Although Companeros didn’t have Lee Van Cleef, one of the most xtreme actors ever, it was still way cool and the ending shootout(s) was inspiring. Off topic a little but if you have never seen the hit TV show “The Master” with Lee Van Cleef you have missed great television.
What you need in a western is a big build up of problems and drama and stuff and then it all is solved by one man, possibly a funny sidekick, and certainly an xtreme weapon. The problem is back 300 or 400 years ago in the ancient west people had guns that by today’s standards are not xtreme. I have a solution to this problem.
Imagine a world where it’s still the ancient west, the time period is around 1700 when gunslingers ruled the waste lands of early America. In this world the best gunslingers from everywhere in America and Texas meet to have a tournament to determine who is the best gun fighter, like in Kung Fu movies. While the men are all waiting, and maybe a few hot girls, an alien race descends upon the town they are on and kidnaps them all and takes them to another planet where combatants from all over the galaxy are put into something awesome know as….The Xecution Arena.
In the Xecution arena the combatants are made to fight each other in gladiatorial combat with hi-tech weapons. The aliens change all the gunslinger’s weapons in an “updater machine” that makes the weapons tricked out and super sweet. The main protagonist will be played by Curtis Armstrong (Ray/Dodgeball/VanWilder/Revenge of the Nerds) will use two machine guns that have been refitted to shoot repeating laser bolts, and it never runs out of ammo as all the weapons are now modified to do. This solves the pesky problem of reloading.
The arena is a host of dangers including bizarre beasts like Ligers (half Tiger half Lion), Succubusts, and giant sized red fire ants.
At dawn in the Xecution Arena all the combatants are waiting at the gate entrance when a faint sound can be heard, as they approach. It gets louder and louder until finally we recognize it as the heavenly sound of “Last in Line,” a song by metal god Ronnie James Dio. We find out that Dio has also been kidnapped by the aliens. He is being forced to perform live whenever there is an event in the Xecution Arena. This explains his absence from the music scene since the grossly underappreciated “Lock up the Wolves” album in 1990.
The main bad guy alien (Owen Wilson) will have a cross bow that shoots evil beams of gamma radiation and can reload repeatedly without needing new ammo. He waits with his army of intergalactic thugs as the gunslingers march into the open arena to meet their fate nose to nose.
Curtis Armstrong’s character will bond with the other gunslingers from the ancient west and together they will form an alliance and take on the alien race. Owen Wilson’s character will be very much in the vain of Thulsa Doom. He will say cool stuff and possibly talk about the riddle of steel. I envision him to be very tall and have three or more arms but the same face we associate with Owen Wilson.
The fight begins and Dio changes to “Holy Diver.” This blazing metal tune will highlight a shoot out not seen since the old westerns, 94% of the action will be in slow motion and a new camera technique called “Laser Time.” The battle will rage for a solid ten minutes before the hero played by Curtis Armstrong realizes that he is the only one left on the gunslinger’s side and is surrounded by two dozen elite alien assassins.

At this point Dio realizes that our hero’s only chance for survival, and he and his band’s only chance for escape, lies in his ability to motivate the hero to beat the odds and turn into a pure killing machine. He cues the band to cut “Holy Diver” and looks to the sky for a sign from the metal gods. On cue, dark clouds fill the sky and a slight rain begins to fall on the Xecution Arena floor, slow at first then faster and faster. As suddenly as the rain appeared, it disappears and the sun once again reveals itself, and a rainbow.
Ronnie James Dio is a man who understands metal and certainly understands cool signs from nature and the metal gods so he immediately gives a Metal Salute, that’s using the index finger and the pinky held straight out, and the band starts playing the song they know they have to play. Dio begins to sing…
“When there’s lightning - you know it always brings me down
Cause it’s free and I see that it’s me
Who’s lost and never found
I cry out for magic - I feel it dancing in the light
But it was cold - I lost my hold
To the shadows of the night”


Our hero looks up at the alien assassins and grimaces, he then let’s out a sweet battle cry and takes them on in close quarter combat with his laser machine gun. The battle is full of violence, explosions, and a man yelling like a man does when he is in a killing mood. Although the aliens have better weapons than our hero from ancient earth, he has an xtreme machine gun that just keeps shooting and sometimes that’s enough.
“There’s no sign of the morning coming
You’ve been left on your own”
Sings Dio in a career performance of the Heavy metal classic Rainbow in the Dark!
“Do your demons - do they ever let you go
When you’ve tried - do they hide -deep inside
Is it someone that you know
You’re just a picture - just an image caught in time
We’re a lie - you and I
We’re words without a rhyme

There’s no sign of the morning coming
You’ve been left on your own
Like a Rainbow in the Dark “
It doesn’t take long for the alien assassins to be left in a pile of gore to the sweet, sweet sound of pure Heavy Metal. Curtis Armstrong then turns to face Owen Wilson’s demonic alien villain.
Curtis Armstrong is not a huge man, but he has speed as an advantage as does his character. He does an awesome knee pivot and shots in a 360 degree circle while giving a husky man yell. Wilson’s alien villain is still in shock over the brilliance of Ronnie James Dio and hesitates for a second to long as Armstrong cuts him off at the knees. Beating and dejected Wilson’s alien looks up one last time at the ancient gunslinger and says,
“It’s despicable to be beat by a human, but you only won because of my mistake.”
“Yes,” says Armstrong’s character, “I only won by a by a nose..”
And with that he blows the aliens head off. He gives the two finger metal salute to Ronnie James Dio who returns it while banging his head up and down as the last few notes of Rainbow in the Dark plays.
The last scene is of Armstrong, twin suns at his back, walking away to leave the arena as a single giant red fire ant eats away at the carcass of Owen Wilson’s body.

Now that’s a kick butt story! Super heavy on action and sweet fights.
I will tell you a secret I use when writing movies that helps me with my pace. When I set down to envision a movie I like to use 40 3x5 index cards to put all my scenes on. The first ten are the first act, second the second, third the third. I then take a red highlighter and highlight the last 10 as they are the 4th act, something very unique I do as most writers use only 3 acts, and label these ten cards as extreme. At least 8 out of the 10 must be in the fourth act, the others I put toward the middle to help it stay a little more xtreme.
Hope this helps, good luck on your idea! It's ok to have Atillas the Hun in a suit, be he must have a weapon.

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger JM Snyder said...

BCPhil: sounds like you haven't really given it much thought, have you?

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

I think Attila's constant raping and pillaging would lead to a sexual harrassment lawsuit pretty quickly. Actually, maybe this would work-- especially if Attila's lawyer was a caveman.

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

Phil, just comment on the query or post a link. You're funny but hijacking someone else's board isn't cool.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger Bittyeight said...

BCPhil, thanks for reminding us that, sometimes, a lone hero with nothing but an xtreme machine gun that just keeps on firing lazer blasts can be enough.

Way to upstage the attila guy.

 
At 10:45 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Succubusts?

BCPhil, I want to have your xtreme babies (as long as they don't shoot their way out)!

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger Amichai said...

"Ten times more hilarious?

Really now. 2x maybe, 3x okay. but 10x times?

It's a proven fact that the level of hilarity rises in direct proportion to the number of trained monkeys featured in a film. I don't see any trained monkeys here."


If that's true than that previous script must be 400 times as hilarious.

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

Phil, sorry that I'm being bitchy but I just learned from one of the other queries that I cannot be both witty AND hot. So I've decided to be just hot and not witty. I'm working on adding in some stupid as I want to be less threatening to men and appear hotter.

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

I got a "what if" for you. What if, instead of Attila The Hun we get the ghost of Richard Nixon--not the kind and gentle Nixon we all knew, but a vengeful, p.o'd spirit. And he inhabits the body of a 50ish exec, who then loses his job to a young up-and-coming kid. A kind of Xtreme, R-rated version of In Good Company.

Dialogue

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

An updater machine, Xtreme weapons, AND Ronnie James Dio in one movie? BCPhil...you are too Xtreme yourself!

As for the query, I never would have come up with the word "hilarious" to describe "Network" and "American Beauty." Maybe I missed the really funny parts when I was getting popcorn or something.

But if Attilla had a monkey sidekick, then this would definitely work.

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

Shelley, Meg and I feel your pain. It's tough having to constantly choose between being witty and hot. And you're right, bitchy does seem to be consistent with hotness, so here I go:

"You men are all stupid dickweeds. Get me a Diet Pepsi or I'll throw my chihuahua's poo at you!"

Wow! It works! My boobs just got bigger! I'm just a few tantrums away from hotness. Your turn Meg!

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

I don't know. Maybe you can be witty on a basic, earthy level, like that shape-shifter chick. You know, sexy-witty, lots of innuendo.

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

BTW, any of you work for a living? (I happen to be on an extended lunch hour.)

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger JM Snyder said...

"BTW, any of you work for a living? (I happen to be on an extended lunch hour.)"

I work in the luxury of a small office full of engineers all too busy to come bother me at the computer. Have to do something til 5:00, right?

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

I am in the film business so I just pretend to work. The key to that is to be constantly typing while furrowing your brow so that others think you are working. Also, it helps to be hot.

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

I know you 'Salem--you're that engineer chick with the fist of death.

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger Carl said...

"BTW, any of you work for a living? (I happen to be on an extended lunch hour.)"

I am one of four trained monkeys being harbored by a klutzy researcher.

I work nights.

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger JM Snyder said...

"I know you 'Salem--you're that engineer chick with the fist of death."

My secret is out! I shall now have to unleash my monkeys to silence you before you uncover my diabolical (and much better than this query's) plot to take over the world! Mwahaha

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

Whoops. The boss is back. Adios.

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger JM Snyder said...

That should've read "monkeys of doom." How else would they instill the right amount of terror in the hearts of man?

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger Snakedriver said...

If he came to work here I bet Marcia would be giving up some serious pussy in a hurry!!!!!

 
At 11:33 AM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

Shelley, you don't work--you create! You are an artiste.

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger kojled said...

bcphil - dude. do you really expect me to read that?

shelley123, mustang sally - you guys are so hot. ouch. i want you so much. not afraid of how smart you are. ouch. it hurts so bad

oh, yeah - the query. this guy is future 'a' list. i can tell. the idea is so stupid - but, with correct tweaks, could be huge. only someone on their way to the top could pitch this

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

I can see the it now...Attila leading his army of crazed interns across the boardroom. He is just "trying to get a head".

I knew it was only a matter of time before Attila was used for cheap laughter. He is one of the funnier characters in history.

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger David Sternfeld said...

I suffer from blunt trauma injuries caused by most TV advertising. Is this proof that most Marketing Executives are already possessed by the spirit of Atilla the Hun?

Thank my opposable thumb that I can mute or off my boob tube. And I'm grateful I can pass on blather like this query, too.

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger Casper Vidor said...

"I am in the film business so I just pretend to work. The key to that is to be constantly typing while furrowing your brow so that others think you are working. Also, it helps to be hot."

So this is why everything out of Hollywood in the last 20 years, with the exception of Easy Rider, has sucked harder than a hot sauce enema.

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

"As for the query, I never would have come up with the word "hilarious" to describe "Network" and "American Beauty." Maybe I missed the really funny parts when I was getting popcorn or something."

I think the writer meant "American Pie". It's Atilla in a suit raping and murdering his way to the top with some premature ejaculation and fart jokes mixed in along the way.

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger classymac said...

Since when were "American Beauty" and "Network" "hilarious"?

Only a guy would think he were "destined" for a promotion. And if he were destined, wouldn't he just have to lose at golf with boss once in while and not fart in the kitchen?

Get your hands out of your pants Attila and get me the ROI projections on the "promotion no one gives a flying fuck about".

 
At 12:17 PM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...


Since when were "American Beauty" and "Network" "hilarious"?


They weren't. Which doesn't mean that this isn't "ten times as hilarious"--ten times zero, after all, is still zero.

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Our goddamn power went off at our office, so I was out of commission for four hours. It's alright, though. I used the opportunity to make myself hot.

Kojled, thanks a lot, asshole. Just Shelley and Mustang? Anal wart.

There, that was pretty bitchy and, as my boobs do not need to be bigger (I am already fabulous), my legs just got longer so I am now as tall as Nicole Kidman! It works, this bitchy then hot thing.

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger Meg said...

As for what I do, I am a lawyer and I also employ the "type a lot and furrow your brow" method of looking busy. Although I have often borrowed from the George Costanza "look angry all the time" method. Both are effective.

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Oh, the query! My boss is Attila the Hun already. So, this query is not that interesting, it's my daily life.

"He will say cool stuff and possibly talk about the riddle of steel" Oh BCPhil, welcome back pal.

Not to be a nudge here, Phil, but in 1700 there were no gunslingers and I am pretty sure Texas was not a state. Not that that matters. Still Xcellent.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

An attorney with a sense of humor. Priceless. Well... not really, there's always a fee, eh?

Reg: dude, you got a tough one, but 'salem rules.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Jeb said...

Killer idea. But, does he own the screen rights to Management Secrets of Attilla the Hun?

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

"I am in the film business so I just pretend to work. The key to that is to be constantly typing while furrowing your brow so that others think you are working."

Shelly, I've found that employing your strategy along with something more aggressive can be very rewarding. Every couple of weeks or so scream "fuck" at the top of your lungs and smash your phone to pieces. You'll really make some space for yourself around the office.

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger isolde said...

Ronny James Dio may be too expensive.

Can we get CC Deville?

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Dokken is also looking for work.

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger isolde said...

Yes, Yes! And "Alone Again" can play as the camera pans over the "remains of the battle" scene. Awesome.

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger JM Snyder said...

i was sort of hoping for "in my dreams" ... maybe during a tender moment with the main character and his love interest of choice?

 
At 12:47 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

It should be the track for every "remains of the battle" scene. Even the one in Henry V.

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger penlies said...

"The arena is a host of dangers including bizarre beasts like Ligers"

Not very P.C. B.C.

Shelly you are now ten times as hot. Before you were Janeane Garofalo witty and now you're "some blonde girl I'd fuck" hot. Wanna go out?

 
At 12:53 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

That Non Nobis Domine crap was a real downer. We need something with more speed and more bass.

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

That guy from the Scorpions must be completely bald and even more paunchy by now, so they're probably available. Anyone care for an encore of "Still Loving You"?

Reg, your method of looking busy works really well, but it's efficacy really depends on the work environment. Great for Wall Street traders, but not so good for elementary school teachers.

Boy, I found *that* out the hard way...

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Stang, I can see how you might have trouble. I can't help you but the good news, I hope, is that you have all summer to figure something out.

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Penlies, beware of Shelley. She may be hot, but she'll crush your balls and your heart like they were bubble wrap- or something equally fun to crush. She made me swear off hot girls and become an older woman's boytoy.

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

Aww, thanks Reg. You're a pal.

I figure I can always pick up some extra cash as BCPhil's technical advisor. As great as his query is, he did flub a few technical details. As Meg pointed out, Texas had no gunslingers in the 1700s...just Mexican settlers and Indians. And guns themselves were pretty unwieldy, slow and unreliable during that period.

BCPhil, how about it? I'll bring my vast expertise on American history and the evolution of guns, and you provide the Ligers and Xtreme weapons. We'll be the Rogers and Hammerstein of the new four-act Xtreme Western genre.

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

At least Pete and Pete are gone. I found that ad disturbing.

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger penlies said...

"Penlies, beware of Shelley. She may be hot, but she'll crush your balls and your heart like they were bubble wrap- or something equally fun to crush."

Man, now she's dominatrix hot! Your killing me.

 
At 1:29 PM, Blogger JM Snyder said...

this site almost scares me out of pitching my novel to an agent ...

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Anal wart.

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger kojled said...

meg

you're hot, too. sorry to exclude you from the hot list. you're 'lawyer' hot, and that's hot

query bad

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

For you nostalgia sufferers:

http://www.sevenwindows.com/index.html

Turquoise Rules!

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

'Salem is your novel about time travelling to kill Hitler? Do monkeys figure prominently in the plot? Does anything in the story that is not a chicken have chicken legs?

If you're honestly able to answer "no" to all of these questions then the folks at this site will probably leave you alone.

(the monkeys can actually go either way)

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger Meg said...

"'lawyer hot'"

What the hell does that mean?

 
At 1:56 PM, Blogger JM Snyder said...

'Salem is your novel about time travelling to kill Hitler? Do monkeys figure prominently in the plot? Does anything in the story that is not a chicken have chicken legs?

No to all three, but I could throw a monkey or two in for laughs.

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger JM Snyder said...

As an afterthought, has anyone read "Lightning" by Dean Koontz? Because that had time travelling in it ... and Hitler, too, come to think of it ...

And yet they chose to make "Phantoms" into a B-flick instead. Go figure.

 
At 2:01 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Like I said, go either way on the monkey. Maybe you should skip the bookstores and go straight to BCPhil for the adaptation. While xtreme weapons don't necessarily fit with any of your posted work, BCPhil is a pro, he can make anything xtreme.

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger Meg said...

I think we should have xtreme monkeys. I smell Oscar!

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

Now Meg, Kojled is making nice. I think we can let him out of the naughty corner.

Penlies, however, is still a dickweed. He's all over Shelley, but he has yet to retract the whole "too witty to be hot" line.

Fight the real power, Meg. (Here I tear up a virtual picture of Penlies and get booed off the SNL stage.)

 
At 2:11 PM, Blogger Lucky Lux said...

10 times more xtremely hilarious than Sophie's Choice and Lilja 4-Ever!! Atilla could be that breakout mainstream role that demonstrates once and for all that Ron Jeremy is the greatest actor of his generation.

Phil: There's a very good reason why Dio hasn't been working on his music career. I agree that Booger can be a great action hero. He probably learned a lot from working with Bruce Willis.

Casper: I hate to make you feel old, but Easy Rider was made almost 40 years ago.

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger penlies said...

"Penlies, however, is still a dickweed"

Dickweed makes great tea. I stand firmly behind "too witty to be hot".

 
At 2:23 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Penlies has anal warts.
Penlies has anal warts.

 
At 2:38 PM, Blogger katwoman79 said...

Meg...i don't think that's Oscars you're smellin' over there ;).

 
At 2:43 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Piss off, Penlies.

That has a nice alliteration to it.

Woops, I used a big word, must be ugly then. There goes my affair with Clive Owen, I suppose. Damn.

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Penlies, I found the perfect website for your needs:

http://www.gunoil.com/product_one.php?id=5

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

Aw, Phil, Deadwood is too potty-mouth for ya, but you have no qualms about borrowing the Dio scene from South Park?

Move your setting up a hundred years, then you could have Xtreme Gatling guns. Those puppies are still pretty Xtreme.

And speaking as a Marketeer, I think having a Hun in charge would finally put an end to all the pointless day-long client meetings I'm forced to attend.

 
At 3:19 PM, Blogger but_seriously said...

Anyone else notice that with the return of Manager Guy came the return of BC Phil?

 
At 3:43 PM, Blogger GobiasInc said...

I think we all just need to take a deep breath. It's very clear what's happening here. Penlies has obviously been possessed by Attila the Hun

 
At 4:02 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

And everyone knows that Attila the Hun was the King of the Dickweeds.

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

BC Phil: I've been scanning the obituaries for a husband, as a live one is too much of a hassle. Any chance you'd like to be my Xtreme husband after you kick it?

http://frandrank.blogspot.com/2005/05/urn-swapping-and-more.html

 
At 5:34 PM, Blogger Hbarr said...

I can pitch this same idea with just a title: "The Michael Eisner Story."

 
At 6:19 PM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Yes!!! A Michael Eisner joke! That's what this query was calling out for-- nice work, Hbarr.

 
At 6:36 PM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

WOW... board sort of gets quiet when it hits 5PM... interesting...

In any case, why not flip the pitch, (the original one not bcphil's)... I mean if Atilla is taking over this middle manager guy then why not have the middle manager guy take over Atilla instead? So there is this middle manager guy and he suddenly finds himself out there trying to lead the Huns to victory against the Aietus's Allied Roman/Goth armies at the battle of Chalons-su-Marine with only 40 3x5 index cards because he can't ride a horse, or drink mead, and he knows nothing about how to use all the X-treme Hunnic Horse bows, or the X-Treme Hunnic Steppe Ponies, or the X-treme roman gladius short swords, and he's all like anti-slavery so you know so he's like totaly unable to deal with all the X-Tremely hot slave girls who have big boobs and tiny X-trememly anachronistic clothes.... Sadly Attilla's Army was a little short of trained monkeys but he did have a dwarf named Stilcho that he hung out with, so you can work in that angle...

For the battle scene we will go all slow mo with the blood, doing many X-treme squirts, but instead of like downer classical music we'll dub in K.C. and the Sunshine Band singing "Do a little Dance... Make a little Love..."

How can hilarity NOT rise its' ugly head?

For the sequil we could have Alaric the Goth posess a trained monkey and lead them to fight for their freedom... but I think that was already done in Planet of the Apes...

 
At 6:49 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

Fat Chance said...

" BTW, any of you work for a living? (I happen to be on an extended lunch hour.)"

I work at the most hideous job that anyone reading this board could imagine.

My boss's name is actually Attila, which is pretty cool.

So how would wreaking havok on your firm secure a promotion?

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger KikiO said...

I LOVE it, Larry! Oh, if I only had connections in Hollywood...

 
At 8:31 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

I'll bite, Crazed Writer... what job do you have that is too hideous to even imagine?

By the way, I know you all have the same difficulty as I do in picking your favorite line out of a BCPhil posting, as they are all so Xtremely enjoyable. However, I'm going to pare it down and pick this gem: "He does an awesome knee pivot and shots in a 360 degree circle while giving a husky man yell."

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger KikiO said...

Yeah, that's pretty good. I also liked "...a man yelling like a man does when he's in a killing mood." But I don't think anything can top his Xtreme Jesus post.

I noticed BCPhil's post prompted a Google advert for "Old Western clothing."

 
At 11:04 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

"RockSteady said...
I'll bite, Crazed Writer... what job do you have that is too hideous to even imagine?"

It's sort of like the secret service except not usually exciting or interesting. I sat for 9 hrs today and did absolutely nothing. It is pure agony. When something exciting does happen it sucks even more. I've dealt with death threats, bomb threats and seeing people die. I truly hate my job. Imagine splinter cell except you don't get anything cool and you never get to leave the room you start in.

 
At 6:04 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Crazed: I know I sleep better at night knowing you're protecting us from terror. Do they have any xtreme monkeys over there (other than Bush)?

 
At 8:17 AM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

I realize we've done this particular query to death, but the story could work with a twist.

I read a serious journal article suggesting that many executives and CEOs in particular have a near-pyschopathic personality disorder, narcissitic, I believe. This type of disorder propels them to excel in the business arena, but usually at the cost to their subordinates and ultimately, their business.

But when the business goes down, these psychos jump the ship and land on their feet--at another organization ready to give them the chairmanship.

Suppose a story with a (Wall Street) Gecko-like character climbing his way to the top, based upon a serious, but functioning mental illness. Probably been done, but so what, so has everything else in Hollywood.

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Fat Chance: Nah! Too much like real life.

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger jnr said...

this is not your average comedy. the last 25 minutes rival that of The Shining.

aww, he's a record exec. all seems lost until he signs a death metal band WHOSE INSTRUMENTS ARE XTREME MEDIEVAL WEAPONS--Thinly-Veiled Vibrator. the band's sound, modelled after the violent, shrill sounds a corpse emits during cremation, arouses the adulation of the world (and the governor of Idaho). but when an evil cartel of mp3-downloading chicken-footed sharks attacks, their plans for billboard domination collapse within a cloud of murder and unearthed terrors, and they are forced onto shocking new career paths.

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At 10:12 AM, Blogger John Selson said...

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At 10:27 AM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

Meg said...

Crazed: I know I sleep better at night knowing you're protecting us from terror. Do they have any xtreme monkeys over there (other than Bush)?

Belinda Stronarch, She's so twisted she made CNN's Political play of the week.

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger Daedalus said...

I got a "what if" for you. What if, instead of Attila The Hun we get the ghost of Richard Nixon--not the kind and gentle Nixon we all knew, but a vengeful, p.o'd spirit. And he inhabits the body of a 50ish exec, who then loses his job to a young up-and-coming kid. A kind of Xtreme, R-rated version of In Good Company.

Fat chance, we already have this- his middle initial is W.

 
At 1:41 PM, Blogger PeteTDX said...

Boy, this one is dumber than I had even hoped.

"...would anyone even notice?"

Yes. Shortly after he started KILLING PEOPLE. Where the hell does this guy work? The Post Office?

By the way, it's not American Beauty meets Network, because those were both good movies that made money. This movie sucks and will generate rat poop.

 
At 4:58 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

This cries out for Shatner.

 
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I'm sticking my nose in today to promote Reg's "every couple of weeks or so scream 'fuck' at the top of your lungs and smash your phone to pieces" strategy. It doesn't always accomplish much, but it at least buys some time to oneself and clears the money-hungry bean-counters and a variety of other wackjobs out of an office for a while. It doesn't even have to be a phone -- select an object that's close by, not expensive enough to get fired for demolishing and (preferably) easily cleaned up. Definitely a strategy that needs to be used sparely but it works effectively in the music industry.

In addition, although I'm still lamenting BCPhil's misunderstanding of correct apostrophe use in plural vs. possessive instances, I must admit that he is improving (albeit marginally).

I've intentionally ignored both the original query and the "substance" of BCPhil's post, as they suck and aren't worth the time.

 
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Actually, there was a Soviet comedy called "Ivan Vasilievich Changes Professions" (Ivan Vasilievich Menyaet Professiyu) where a scummy modern-day apartment building manager gets switched with Ivan the Terrible through some lame-looking time machine. Ivan the Terrible is stuck trying to deal with 20th Century Soviet life, running a stinky apartment building.

It's pretty damn funny. For a Soviet comedy, circa 1971...

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