Friday, May 06, 2005

Uggggaabllleeeaarrrggghhh... that was the noise of me barfing in disgust.

"Can even the Devil change? What would happen if Lucifer decided to try to give up on his whole Prince of Darkness routine, and want to go back to heaven? In my award winning script we find out. Lucifer and God strike a bargain. Lucifer can return to heaven, if for one day there is no sin on the Earth. Lucifer must now "tempt" people into doing good. Which isn't as easy as he thinks. There are all those lawyers and politicians to deal with. So to find out W.W.L.D.? What Would Lucifer Do?"

76 Comments:

At 10:35 AM, Blogger Hbarr said...

Award winning script?

I'm so happy his remedial English teacher gave it a silver star!

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger Nic said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Does the Prince of Darkness routine begin with the flaming baton twirling or the rockette kicks?

Loser Writer's Mom to Writer: Here, honey, here's an award for your wonderful script!

Lucifer ain't tempting me not to sin, damnit!!

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger z0l0ft said...

"There are all those lawyers and politicians to deal with."

Don't forget teenage boys. You would have to keep the hormone-raging teenage boys from 'rubbing one out' if you know what I mean. That's a big sin.

Don't forget unwed mothers. There's another sin. Gotta get rid of them.

Hollywood? Forget it. Whole place gone.

Don't forget the Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and everyone else who don't worship a Christian God. They are all sinners and gotta go.

Who wrote this post? Pat Buchannan?

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger Hbarr said...

Hey, I just figured out how Lucifer can eliminate all sin on Earth for a day:

He kills everyone!

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger * said...

"Hey, I just figured out how Lucifer can eliminate all sin on Earth for a day:

He kills everyone! "

Yeah, that'll do it...

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger Greta Garbled said...

That reminds me: Today I saw a pickup truck with bumper nuts and a window decal of a nativity scene.

I wish I had made that up. Ahh, Texas ...

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

Wow, being an atheist never sounded more appealing.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

To quote Flip Wilson, "The Devil made me do it."

What's with all the Devil / Lawyer queries lately?

Maybe Lucifer needs to get together with the Freemasons and Jews, and together with Hanukah Hal they . . . ah forget it.

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger hoover said...

what the fuck could lucifer use to tempt people into not sinning? doesn't the whole concept of temptation rest on the idea of doing or having somthing you shouldn't?

L: "don't sin and i'll give you...a quiet sense of self satisfaction!"

Soul: "hmmm...i am tempted..."

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger buster said...

the only way i'd watch this is if they cast Jon Lovitz as his Satan character from the '90s SNL.

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I think Adam Sandler is free.

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Meg said...

My guess is the "Get SOme TOnight" blue haired girl might be a bit of a challenge for ol' Lucifer.

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

"There are all those lawyers and politicians to deal with."

So the writer of this script sees keepint the politicians and lawyers sinless for a day as Satan's chief obstacle to regaining paradise? Sounds reasonable. I believe Meg has spoken for the lawyers;
"Lucifer ain't tempting me not to sin, damnit!!"- Meg.

And I believe our blue haired chick has spoken for the crack-whores;
"Wanna have a date?"- BHC

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger jnr said...

there's no getting around the infernal abyss of a hole in this plot:

lucifer would know better.

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger Meg said...

I only speak on behalf of Zombie lawyers.

 
At 12:52 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

I think a more interesting plot would be the opposite of this one so that God can have a walk on the wild side.

BHC- Wanna have a date?

God- Sure, skanky looking freak, bring it on. I'm gonna get some tonight.

 
At 12:53 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

And just like that, another express ticket to Hell...

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger isolde said...

You know, I have just about had it with the evil lawyer remarks. My friggin' motions and briefs make sense, a**hole. And I get paid for them, which is more than you should anticipate.

Oh, and if Lucifer were away for a day, wouldn't we all just stop sinning?

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

My briefs make sense. My motions tend to be a little erratic, especially if I've been drinking. Sorry Isolde, just joking.

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger Shaenon said...

Actually, this is kind of a cute idea. It might make a good comedy; in fact, it's kind of like "Dogma," but with more Satan. I just want to know what awards the script has won.

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

This query is poo.

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger isolde said...

My briefs make sense. My motions tend to be a little erratic, especially if I've been drinking. Sorry Isolde, just joking.

That's okay. I'm billing for this time too.

 
At 1:38 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

As long as this site exists, there will be sin in the world.

 
At 1:55 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Isolde: You stole my joke about billing.

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger Jason B. said...

MEG: It's not funny. ISOLDE is my lawyer. And why am I in jail? It's the devil's fault. Trying to eliminate sin... Bastard.

 
At 2:11 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

I know how you feel Meg, someone stole my haiku oeuvre and ran it into the ground. I could be upset but I feel that in giving the gift of haiku I've possibly expanded people's horizons just a bit. Oh, yeah and...

Girl Lawyer Fight!!!! Girl Lawyer Fight!!!!

 
At 3:01 PM, Blogger Slimey8 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:03 PM, Blogger Slimey8 said...

Whoa! Hey guys, I didn't notice this before, but have you seen the "Satan never was Lucifer!" google ad thing to the right? Holy moley! Is the person who wrote that the same one who wrote the script?! Yikes.

 
At 4:08 PM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

Paleeze...I'm in advertising. We do this shit every day. Lucifer, call me to discuss some quick online qualitative research. But not after four, that's when I'm power fucking my married client.

 
At 4:13 PM, Blogger Space Shark said...

I wonder what circle of hell the author is going to when Lucifer finds out he's been cast as the lead in a feel-good rom-com.

 
At 4:41 PM, Blogger A Legend Among Whispers said...

Someone has obviously been watching "South Park: The Movie" way too much.

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger HistoryofMorning said...

My favorite part of this nutty query about Lucifer was that it called up a Google ad titled "Before You Hire an Agent." I should mention that I deal with a number of agents and am therefore not too surprised ...

Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not slamming on *all* agents -- but I personally prefer talking with managers.

And Lucifer sure as hell isn't going to tempt me into not sinning either. Why even try me when he's experiencing such success with his current job?
T.

 
At 7:09 PM, Blogger gypsycamptrash said...

Why would he want to go back to heaven? Everybody knows that all the fun people go to hell.

 
At 7:41 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

I once started a screenplay where Satan came back at christmas and became "Satan Claus" to please God. There were carol enforcement patrols, Zombies putting up christmas decorations.

I stopped it very quickly.

 
At 7:42 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

Shelley123 said...

" I know how you feel Meg, someone stole my haiku oeuvre and ran it into the ground. "

And here i was thinking i was being original.

 
At 10:45 PM, Blogger MDS said...

"It's kind of like "Dogma," but with more Satan."

That should totally be the logline.

 
At 11:42 PM, Blogger Josephine Verna said...

Award?

 
At 6:41 AM, Blogger James said...

"Award?"

Yup. The coveted "Legend In My Own Mind" award.

Whats with all the feakin' religious queries lately? Is this some new frightening trend that I'm missing?

Seriously, folks, put down your LaHaye books... everyone else, back away slowly and don't look in their eyes... Don't look in the eyes!

 
At 8:10 AM, Blogger Carter said...

My favorite part of this nutty query about Lucifer was that it called up a Google ad titled "Before You Hire an Agent."

And right next to it is one that says "We need writers". Coincidence? I don't think so.

Oh, and one theological question: Does Lucifer fart flaming poison gas?

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger munkee_king said...

Sunofabitch stole my idea.

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger HistoryofMorning said...

I don't think it's coincidence either, Carter. All professions are considered devil-ish by somebody (some more than others). My professional devils are agents and sound engineers. Marvellously, they can also end up being less devil-ish than I thought, which is always pleasant and makes for an especially peacful day.

But I did have a hearty personal laugh when "agents" came up.

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger Peggy Archer said...

Okay.. Jon Lovitz as the newly reformed, yet still comedically moody Satan, and Adam Sandler as the plucky mortal who teaches the world that good is the new evil.

Wackiness ensues!

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger Lucky Lux said...

"It's kind of like "Dogma," but with more Satan."

I thought that was already used for Surviving Christmas.

 
At 6:49 PM, Blogger Amichai said...

I don't know what's more bizzare, the idea for the script, or the fact that I actually read said script. I have absolutely no idea what award it won, but have to get the name of that contest.

 
At 7:36 PM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

Hey, it's kind of like Bedazzled without the intelligence! No, wait, it's kind of like Little Nicky without the intelligence! No, wait, it's kind of like the remake of Bedazzled without the comedy stylings of Brendan Fraser! No, wait, it's kind of like the four kajillion other stupid movies about the Devil!

And, er, as for the "devil lawyer" movie, there is one already. It's called The Devil's Advocate and stars Al Pacino.

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger Annoynimus said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Annoynimus said...

RyokoWerx said...
What's with all the freakin' religious queries lately?


With the End of the World so neigh and Armageddon around the corner, most bible-thumpers are taking their Satan/Archangels/Second-Coming scripts out of the drawer and mailing them to Hollywood.

The flaw in their logic (I think) is this: with the End of the World so neigh and Armageddon around the corner, will there be time to produce these Satan/Archangels/Second-Coming movies? Do they really think that the studio execs are going to sit to read scripts under the storms of fire?

Forget about producing them, watching them will be a real problem with toads raining over popcorn and sodas turning into blood.

The "Rapture" itself will put a serious dent in the opening-weekend's figures. What on earth is Jesus thinking taking away all the Christians? They're our main demographic, for crying out loud!

 
At 2:22 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

So if Lucifer is either taking a personal day or early retirement, who do I talk to about this exciting new job opening?

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger MontiLee said...

Lucifer. Isn't. The. Devil.

God damn.

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

I'm ever so glad the author explained W.W.L.D? for me. I'd never have picked up on that clever little pop culture reference otherwise.

But I have to say my favorite Google adserver delivery was the "Is Hell Real?" ad.

Read a few more of these queries and decide for yourself.

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger COLOfilm said...

Working title: Apathy for the Devil

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger The Writer said...

What are you talking about, that could be a funny script.

 
At 6:40 AM, Blogger VP19 said...

Tempt people into doing good. But how...

Perhaps Lucifer could get a job with an ad agency, where he changes a beer campaign so that it doesn't appeal to mindless, sexist (yes, I know the two preceding adjectives are redundant) frat-boy drunkards. Or is hired by Fox or ESPN, where he eliminates obnoxious programming "attitude." Or becomes an executive at a major studio, where he makes films portraying blacks as real people, not buffoonish 21st-century Stepin Fetchit Negro stereotypes.

In short, a movie that takes the adolescent male multiplex audience by the scruff of the neck, slaps them in the face, and tells them, "you suck." That might redeem Lucifer with the man upstairs, albeit not with many moviegoers.

 
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