Wednesday, May 04, 2005

This is so bad I don't even think PETA would approve

"Animals have been hunted and killed for thousands of years. They were part of God's food chain and kept everyone alive. For the last 100 years, furs have become charmingly fashionable and now, animals are skinned for just their furs. Their bloody remains, their bodies, left to rot. Now it's their turn, to repay mankind... .....and they're pissed!!
Number of Pages 191

Characters
Jack - Father rabbit, Easter - Mother rabbit, Spot - Baby, Kilher - Father wolf, Red - Mother wolf, Thrilher - Baby, Berry - Male beaver, Verry - Female beaver mate, Gay - Gay squirrel, Fay - Gay squirrel's lover, Bob - Trapper, Lucy - Trappers wife, Bobby - Son, Woody - Trapper Bob's neighbor, Leroy - Bob's black mailman, CircleJerk - Indian Chief, Shaman Bucky - Indian Chiefs grandson, Dr. Wong - Batelle scientist, Dr. Dentally - Batelle scientist, Major Tac - Batelle Director, Ricardo - French Drug Dealer, Dominique - Recardo's gay brother, KoolAid - BO$$ Nightclub Owner, Tex Walker - Country bar owner, Bambi, Tiffany & Jasmine - Strippers. ASSORTED OTHERS

Chapters
1 The Forest, 2 Trapper Bob, 3 Circle Jerk, 4 Battelle, 5 Ricardo, 6 Slicing, 7 Dicing, 8 Bucky Returns, 9 Bucky Gets Lucky, 10 Back To Battle, 11 Ricardo's Chateau, 12 First Blood, 13 Dancing CircleJerk, 14 Batelle Heats Up, 15 Raped, 16 Ricardo Freaks, 17 Batelle Update, 18 Heads ,19 Heads off, 20 BO$$, 21 Batelle Blows Up, 22 Scroggs & Scarfurr Fur Appendix."

66 Comments:

At 10:05 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Is this a musical starring J Lo?

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger Davecat said...

Some overly-sensitive high school freshman girl wrote this, right?

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger LostDragon1967 said...

Humans have actually been using and wearing animal skins for thousands of years. And animals are just now getting upset by it?

You don't even need to read the tag line at the top. Just read the list of character names and you can see how bad this is.

CircleJerk as an Indian Chief, where are his Warriors, Humps Buffalo and Chases Braves. How about his sqaws, Spreads-Em-Wide and Never-Says-No.

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger Hbarr said...

Chief CircleJerk and his son Bucky?

Weren't they the Indians who took twenty-four bucks for Manhattan?

 
At 10:31 AM, Blogger Bittyeight said...

191 pages? I'm expected to sit through 3 and half hours of this rubbish?

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

"Now it's their turn, to repay mankind... .....and they're pissed!!"

In England, "pissed" means "drunk."
Am I missing something here?

The gay squirrels aren't very original. Too much like the Disney chipmunks "Chip and Dale."

And how many rabbits do you know that have ONE baby?

And last but not least . . . "Their bloody remains, their bodies, left to rot. Now it's their turn, to repay mankind..."
So these are ZOMBIE skinned animals!
I get it now.

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger Dan said...

With any luck, the animals will get a copy of the script, read it, and then turn on the author. I think "Bucky Gets Luck" refers to what happens when the author is taken out and the animals have their way...

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger Carl said...

"Ricardo - French Drug Dealer, Dominique - Recardo's gay brother"

My God! The LEAST you should be able to manage in this train wreck is to spell your horrible character's names consistently.

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

At least the writer figured out a way to work some strippers into the story. That's a positive.

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

BWeaves, in the US, "pissed" as an adjective usually means really angry or irate. "Piss" as a verb is crude slang for urination. As in, "Most of the people who post on this site could piss a better script than this."

However, this query is best read when one is extremely pissed in the British sense of the word. Then it makes complete sense.

Hope this mini language lesson has been helpful.

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger anders3000 said...

This has everything you'd expect from a query posted on this site. We have a drug dealer, strippers and very female beaver. All we're missing is Gumbo and Moonshine.

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

Male beaver? Dr. Wong? I hope these two fall in love.

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

Should someone tell the writer that scripts don't have "chapters"? Nah, let's keep that our little secret.

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Circle Jerk? Bucky Gets Lucky? Dancing Circle Jerk? Ahhh, College days coming back to me now....

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger Meg said...

BWeaves:
It actually makes for a much better story if they animals are pissed in the British sense. It makes the chapter on Bucky Gets Lucky more plausible.

 
At 11:41 AM, Blogger POPEalicious said...

Did BCPhil write this script?

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Mustang Sally: Thanks! Although I've lived in the US for so long that I do know both meanings. I was trying to be funny. OOOPS.

Popealicious: Nah, BCPhil would have had the animals using xtreme weapons. And the animals would have been played by Tom Selleck, etc. Although I bet we could get Jerry Mathers to play the Beaver.

HEY! I've finally got a title for this thing.
LEAVE IT TO BEAVER . . THE REVENGE.

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

"Gay - Gay squirrel"

I have a gay uncle named homo.

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger ksharp said...

I love that the Google Adbot chose one for "rabbit fur hats". Someone needs to create an irony algorithm...

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger Hbarr said...

I think the author is pitching a novel, not a screenplay, folks. At least I hope so!

Sounds like "Watership Down" meets "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger snow-cap said...

I guess "Batelle" is the town...? Maybe the "Batelle Director" is like the mayor. My biggest question, though, is why this guy gave some of his characters regular names like Bob and Lucy and then out of nowhere the Indian chief is named "CircleJerk" and the specifically black mailman has to be named "Leroy." He can't come up with anything less stereotypical? Why not just name all the non-white characters "Inferior Race Member #1," "Inferior Race Member #2," etc.?

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Elisha: Your biggest question relates to the NAMES of the characters?

Bweaves: What is a Brit doing in FL (Bumpernut Central)? I bet you own a boat.

 
At 12:29 PM, Blogger Yowza wowza said...

"22 Scroggs & Scarfurr Fur Appendix."

Huh?

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

This query makes me want to beat random animals to death with a stick.

Someone should tell this guy that less is more. The Characters and Chapters sections just dig the hole so much deeper.

191 pages?!?

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger jnr said...

so...presumably, it's not *being killed* that these critters object to? it's *not being eaten* (as nature intended) afterward.

'uncle fibbles! they made granny foo-foo into a hat--but the bastards didn't eat her!'

don't know why. but the whole thing makes me think of those spongemonkeys in the quizno's commercial.

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger buster said...

verry female beaver...should change it to "furry female beaver" then its a story!

this sounds like a very disturbing movie. chapter 15 is RAPED, although chapter 13 is DANCING CIRCLEJERK. i dunno.

that reminds me to watch "MEET THE FEEBLES." sick twisted shit.

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Meg: "What's a Brit doing in FL?"

Actually I was a Floridian in the UK, going to school and actually learning something.

And no, I don't own a boat (but I'd hang Bumpernuts off it, if I did).

 
At 2:26 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Would bumpernuts work on a boat? Perhaps they could fashion some as anchors.

 
At 4:02 PM, Blogger James said...

"Would bumpernuts work on a boat? Perhaps they could fashion some as anchors."

Well you could use them for bobbers if you're a fisherman but I guess if things got really bad that you could put a bunch of them together for a personal flotation device

...and please no jokes about going down with the ship!

 
At 4:29 PM, Blogger Tourette Spice said...

This could be done as a Broadway play ala 'Avenue Q'...
Great cast of characters...
Puppets may be difficult in the CircleJerk Act...

 
At 4:34 PM, Blogger YellowJack said...

I think that this was done in the novel The Family Tree by Sheri S. Tepper except that the novel was actually pretty good.

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

Ooo!!

I'll get a sex change and be circle jerk's mixed race daughter pokahonky!!

But seriously, if it has three strippers in it, it must be good.

 
At 8:36 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

So... this is animated, right?

And where do the strippers come in?

 
At 10:43 PM, Blogger COLOfilm said...

Working title: Cleave it to Beaver!

 
At 6:03 AM, Blogger LostDragon1967 said...

I know why the writer included the characters and the chapter titles.

Apparently he knows that this will not get a theatrical release so he's already formating the movie for the DVD.

 
At 6:18 AM, Blogger isolde said...

Watershit down.

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Separate chapters for Slicing and Dicing...

 
At 8:15 AM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

I'd like to play ASSORTED OTHERS.

What are the rabbits going to do...? Nibble my bum?

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

They have big pointy teeth.
They're killers.

(Said with thick Scottish brogue.)

 
At 6:08 PM, Blogger left turn clyde said...

I want to to make fun of this query, but I just think having a gay squirrel named "Gay" is goddamned hilarious.

 
At 3:46 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

"Ricardo - French Drug Dealer"
Get your damn furrin names straight. No selfrespecting Frenchman is called Ricardo. Unless the plot twist involves him getting it on with "Lucy - Trappers wife"?

 
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191 pages of animals skinning humans? this is my competition? yes!


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