Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Remember, kids, aliens + hell portals = AWESOME!!

"We are a father and sons writing team. In the past year we have written three scripts and extensively rewrote and polished them further as the result of professional input. We are especially enthused by our most recent script.

Logline: Father-daughter reunion turns nightmare.

Synopsis: A young woman's reunion with her estranged father in the Bahamas becomes a horrifying nightmare after their scuba diving adventure with family friends turns tragic. Trapped in an underwater cave complex after their friends are killed, the father and daughter make startling discoveries; including finding the remnants of an ill-fated alien mining expedition and in the process accidentally reopen a portal to hell. They desperately search not only for a way out but also for an escape from the devil-beast of myth and legend which they unleashed. The daughter survives but is not the same, even though the injuries to her body heal. Experts believe her mind may never recover. She escapes from a mental hospital to go back and somehow close the portal and destroy the demon only to make another, even more astounding discovery, leading to a spectacular climax, followed by a double surprise ending. 95pgs."

288 Comments:

At 6:14 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

One should never mix water in with their queries, as there are a lot of sharks lurking in other nearby queries.

 
At 6:18 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Besides, why can't they just admit they had a bad time and didn't exactly see eye to eye? I'm sure the meeting felt as terrible as the query implies (and reads), but really, things happen. People don't always mesh. Just tell your daughter the script writing thing is just something you want to do with the boys, like fishing. Maybe you can tell her to find something to do with Mom, like Broadway plays on ice.

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger Bill Peschel said...

"followed by a double surprise ending"

-- and then she woke up!

 
At 6:33 PM, Blogger Space Shark said...

Screw this story. I want to hear more about this ill fated alien mining expedition. Now there's your movie!

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger FileEdit said...

I'd prefer the double surprise just before the climax. Outside of that, I wouldn't change a thing.

 
At 6:42 PM, Blogger Space Shark said...

"Welcome to the Screenwriting Olympics. Today we have a father and son team on the floor exercise."

"That's right Bob. This team has extensively rewrote and polished this routine. I hear they are especially enthused about what they've put together."

"And they're getting ready to start. Wow starts out with a lame premise, right into the crappy plot twist. Oh my god they've added a devil beast."

"A bold move Bob."

"They're getting ready to finish up here. Oh my god. Can it be! A spectacular climax followed by a double surprise ending! And they stick it!"

"Amazing..here comes the scores."

"Ouch the American judge gives them a 3.0. That's going to hurt."

 
At 7:15 PM, Blogger lava_gurl said...

Thought this story might get a few laughs:

http://www.theonion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4122&o=2

By the way, usually I enjoy the scathing remarks on this blog, so is there something wrong with me because it makes me sad to make fun of a "father and sons writing team"?

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger Annoynimus said...

I guess this proves talent is genetic.

 
At 7:27 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Logline: Father-daughter reunion turns nightmare.

Lemme guess. She's an underage hooker and he's the reincarnation of Hitler?

Trapped in an underwater cave complex after their friends are killed, the father and daughter make startling discoveries; including finding the remnants of an ill-fated alien mining expedition and in the process accidentally reopen a portal to hell.

You load sixteen tons, and what do you get? A portal to Hell and the inappropriate use of a semicolon, if you're an alien.

...an escape from the devil-beast of myth and legend which they unleashed.

Wouldn't this simply be the Devil? Or are we using the Pac-Man cartoon naming convention now (i.e. "ghost-monsters").

She escapes from a mental hospital to go back and somehow close the portal and destroy the demon...

Doesn't she know? This sounds like the end of The Phantom Menace. And by the way, is it a devil-beast-demon now?

...followed by a double surprise ending.

A double surprise? Does this mean it's not surprising at all, because the two surprises cancel each other out?

 
At 7:35 PM, Blogger Lucky Lux said...

is there something wrong with me because it makes me sad to make fun of a "father and sons writing team"?

I was thinking the same thing, but then discovered the sons are both in preschool. Well, one starts kindergarten in the fall.

 
At 7:40 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Double surprise: Bumper Nuts
Astounding Discovery: Bumper Nuts + Podcaster snap together perfectly
Spectacular Climax: Found while probing underwater cave for devil-beast with Bumper Nutcaster.

My mind wouldn't recover, either.

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger Amichai said...

a Double Surprise Ending either sounds like a Freindly's dessert (yes, I'd like that with hot fudge, marshmellow syrup, and oreo crumbles) or something you might ask for at a massage parlor instead of a "happy ending", though I fear what it might be.

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

Wow, that's a trip gone wrong, huh?

 
At 8:09 PM, Blogger Hbarr said...

I would like this query, except they forgot to include a part for King Shark.

 
At 10:27 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

"Space Shark said...

Screw this story. I want to hear more about this ill fated alien mining expedition. Now there's your movie!"

I think conflict could come in the form of a conflict between the alien accountants and the miners over missing recipts.

 
At 1:52 AM, Blogger Schot said...

That's one hell of a diving trip... Underwater cave complex, aliens, portal to hell, demon, mental hospital AND a spectacular climax. This is just pure pleasure overload...

And something about the reunion/diving thing doesn't add up.

YW: Hi dad, it's been a long time.

D: Let's go diving!

YW: Shouldn't we stay here and catch up?

D: No! Diving is the best way for two relatives, who haven't seen each other for at long time, to spend their time, let's go!

YW: But what about my friends?

D: Friend? Why did you bring friends to your reunion with your estranged father?

YW: Dunno

D: But everyone is going diving, is that understood!

 
At 2:03 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

Sorry, never got past "ill-fated alien mining expedition". Alien goldrush gone awry? Or were humans mining for alien remnants? Alien vs. Predator rip-off galore.

 
At 6:07 AM, Blogger JM Snyder said...

all this in only 95 pages? somehow that doesn't seem like enough ... not that i'm asking for more, mind you.

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

"Double surprise ending."

For some reason this made me think of Double Secret Probation from Animal House.

Somehow, I don't think I would admit to extensively rewriting with professional help, as that just reeks of AMATEUR.

 
At 7:23 AM, Blogger Meg said...

"in the process accidentally reopen a portal to hell"

Father: Put down that portal, missy, or you're getting a timeout!

Daughter: But Dad...

Father: No buts, put it down or you go sit with the devil-beast!

Daughter: (sets down the large rock with the red light glimmering underneath it) Fine!

 
At 7:48 AM, Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

Aw hell, this idea doesn't sound half bad, but the query sucked from the moment of the mention of the "father and son writing team".

Who gives a shit about your incestuous team of writers? It doesn't sway anyone's opinion about your talent or the marketability of the script. Just tell us about the story

Bumpernuts!

 
At 8:04 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

"She escapes from a mental hospital ...only to make another, even more astounding discovery, leading to a spectacular climax"

It obvious, she discovers masturbation. Although one would think she'd figure that one out in the mental institution, what with all the down time.

 
At 8:13 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

followed by a double surprise ending -- multiple orgasms.

Thanks, Reg. You really cleared that one up for me.

 
At 8:24 AM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

I guess if you keep it vague, it buys you time to actually think of a real ending.

Sort of when I promise my kid a really good surprise for doing something she doesn't want to do. I've got a 50-50 shot at having to come up with something.

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Yeah, well, when I escape from taking my meds, I could be on the threshold of discovering some spectacular double-surprise endings myself.

MEDICATION is the answer, my friends.


thelastditch.blogspot.com

 
At 9:12 AM, Blogger Yowza wowza said...

This query turned nightmare.

 
At 9:56 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

http://www.theonion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4122&o=2

Imagine if the writers for the Onion saw the Sharkos query...

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger PeteTDX said...

I don't know why you guys are being so cruel. MY boys come with me no matter where I go. Left AND Right. Now that's a father and sons crack writing team right there.

He's clearly referring to himself and his BUMPERNUTS!!!!

 
At 10:25 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

pretty sure he meant, expeshelly enthused.

Amateurs.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

Okay, this script suffers from Schizo-Genre disorder, in which two authors do not communicate, but instead include as many genres as possible in one script.

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger katwoman79 said...

I always knew satan was an alien.

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

What this query really needs is a stockbroker sending assassins after the scientists(including an intense helicopter chase), a journey back in time to the old west so there can be a good old fashioned shoot-out(naturally involving North American indigenous peoples), and the hijinks that ensue when the daughter falls in love with a horny maggot-spewing zombie.

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger kojled said...

space shark

agree - focus on the (failed) alien mining expidition - that's a movie. (love the olympics coverage)

you have to admit it makes a lot of sense that the portal to hell would be on the ocean floor, though. i mean, since the floor of the ocean is much closer to hell, and all. makes sense

very pulp. very 40's radio suspense 1/2 hour serial: 'tune in next week when the horrible devil-beast escapes through the newly reopened portal to hell at the bottom of the ocean!!!'

cue 'devil-beast' sound effects
cue music
cue sponsor blurb

 
At 3:22 PM, Blogger Phil Aldridge said...

I hate to admit this, but this query actually looks cool. I would totally watch/rent this movie of my own free will.

 
At 6:02 PM, Blogger charoop said...

'professional input'

this is clearly a psychiatric session involving word-association gone horribly wrong

 
At 6:41 PM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

"only to make another, even more astounding discovery, leading to a spectacular climax, followed by a double surprise ending" followed by a hat-trick of shock & awe, another astouding discovery, then a whole pantheon of unparalleled discoveries, and rounding out with a whole mess of twists with a REAL shocker at the end. 98 pgs.

 
At 6:59 PM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Oh, and by the way, that old alien mining expedition thing-- way overused in scripts nowadays. I've read at least three that involved alien mining operations and Earth, and guess what they all had in common-- they sucked. Maybe not as bad as this query, but still. Alien mining colonies are a bad idea because they make absolutely no sense-- especially hidden ones. If you're a super-advanced alien, what could you possibly need from Earth that you couldn't get somewhere else where you wouldn't have to deal with pesky natives?

 
At 4:26 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

"Welcome to the Screenwriting Olympics. Today we have a father and son team on the floor exercise."

Space Shark - damn, that's funny.

"...the father and daughter make startling discoveries; including finding the remnants of an ill-fated alien mining expedition and in the process accidentally reopen a portal to hell."

This is EXACTLY what happened when I helped my dad clean out his garage. Weird.

"They desperately search not only for a way out but also for an escape..."

Wow...a "way out" AND an "escape"!?!?!? Genius!

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger James said...

At 7:40 PM, Taffy Doublewide said...

Spectacular Climax: Found while probing underwater cave for devil-beast with Bumper Nutcaster.

a.k.a. sex in a hot tub.

 
At 9:52 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Dude, BCPhil totally needs to get his ass in here and make this more xtreme.

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

If you're a super-advanced alien, what could you possibly need from Earth that you couldn't get somewhere else where you wouldn't have to deal with pesky natives?

Molybdenum or something. I've seen that hand-waving done expertly enough elsewhere that it doesn't jar me. Earth does have a rather unusual mineralogical profile, after all, given the oxygen-rich atmosphere.

However. You can't have aliens AND Hell in the same script. Aliens and underwater danger is pushing it--Hell and underwater danger is pushing it--but aliens AND Hell is just too top-heavy.

 
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