Friday, May 13, 2005

Hmmm... rich Bostonians? Sounds like the Kerry-Heinz family.

"'A young 20 somthing man - orphaned at 13 - finally returns from the Harley world of rural Kansas to the world of wealth and prestige he knew as a boy in Boston.'

Genre: Drama/Comedy

After living for 11 years with his late fathers identical - yet polar opposite - twin brother, the young man is allowed return home to follow in his fathers footsteps as a Lawyer/business man/ senator. He begins to see that he has never been allowed to determine his own life's course; after reconnecting with his wealthy dying grandfather who challenges him to 'Define Yourself!'"

195 Comments:

At 10:39 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Hey Empress! What happened to Manager Guy? Has he actually been getting GOOD query letters?

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

They drive trucks in rural Kansas.

So much math for a Friday. 20 something - 11 + 13 = 1,304 right?

How shocking the twin is the polar opposite.

Wealthy and dying. Just like I like 'em.

 
At 11:12 AM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

How much prestige can a 13 year old boy have?

"Genre: Drama/Comedy"...I can only assume the comedy comes from the writer's total lack of punctuation skills?

So by being "polar opposite", does this mean the uncle was a senator/business man/Lawyer?

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger Meg said...

"20 somthing" For God's sake, SPELL CHECK, you idiot.

Harley's come from Milwaukee. I have been to rural western Kansas and there are no Harley's (or people or trees for that matter) there.

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Bet the twist is that the polar opposite brother is actually his FATHER! Is he the polar opposite of his brother because he drives a Harley in western KS? Lots of shitty weather and bugs. Seems a poor vehicular choice.

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Clearly dude missed the memo on Harley Davidson choppers being the bikes of prestige.

Oh, oh, I get it. IRONY. It all makes sense now.

No, no. Wait a second. Nope. I still ain't got a clue how in the hell I'm supposed to give a shit that some formerly wealthy kid gets to go back home and be wealthy again.

What happened to class struggle? Strife? Adversity? Oh. Right. George Bush happened.

We should not allow pens and other writing instruments to fall ino the hands of the wrong crowd. When stupid people have the ability to write, we might be sending them the wrong message--like we value what they have to say.

This writer, like so many others, is merely stupid.

Read me and weep.

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

After reading this writer's query story, I thought to myself, "Who cares?"

 
At 11:59 AM, Blogger Windy City Wendy said...

Steff, not to go all history on you but before GWB happened JFK happened. Before JFK happened FDR happened. And let's remember, it's a free country, even for the stupid people like our crappy writer here. Without them, we wouldn't be able to poke fun at their work and my day would be so much more boring than it already is. Long live Freedom! Long live Stupidity! Long live Bad Writing!

 
At 12:02 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Oh please don't get political on here, folks. Let's stick to bumpernuts. And Small Mediums at Large. God, that's funny shit.

 
At 12:02 PM, Blogger Jason B. said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger Jason B. said...

SCRIBE... let me 'splain it to you. This is a very deep query. This writer has tapped into the national revulsion of poverty and poor people.

The end of the movie is: the kid goes back to Kansas and wipes out the plainsdwellers in a reenactment of his ancestors conquest of Indian territory. He returns to Boston with Uncle's scalp. Old Grandfather dies happy knowing he's created another robber baron scumbag.

Then, as MEG said, Uncle is the father. That's irony.

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Jason B. said...

MEG,

What do you call a bicycle messenger without a girlfriend?

 
At 12:06 PM, Blogger Meg said...

What, Rabbi?

 
At 12:07 PM, Blogger Jason B. said...

Homeless.

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Rabbi:

What did the fish say when it hit the cement wall?

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger Jason B. said...

"Ouch, I seem to have collided with a very hard object?"

 
At 12:21 PM, Blogger Dan said...

I think there is a Harley, Kansas. I think I've been there, but I might've blinked, so I'm not so sure.

Small medium at large! Gawd, that made me fall out of my chair laughing. This is way better than working.

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger Meg said...

"Dam!"

 
At 12:50 PM, Blogger Jason B. said...

Funny. What a card!

Dam. (I feel like I should have been able to guess it!)

 
At 12:50 PM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

Its tough to be an orphan and have 2 identical twin fathers plus a rich grandfather- what type of orphanage did he come from?

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger Meg said...

It's funnier in a bar told over many drinks. As most things are. In fact, this query might even improve. Well, probably not.

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger Dan said...

BlackCapricorn said
"... what kind of orphanage"

You know, the modern one where Mom and Dad both work 16 hours a day and the kid is shuffled off to the orphanage. Oh sorry, those are daycare centers.

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

I think it would be more interesting if he was living with his father's BIPOLAR opposite twin brother. But then again, I'm really fond of histrionic portrayals of mental illness, a la Frances, Girl Interrupted, etc.

Hey Meg and Rabbikubota: What do you call a dog with no legs?

Answer: It doesn't matter. He can't come anyway.

Hee hee.

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Mustang: What do you say to a one legged hooker?

Hop in.

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Goddamnit!! It's supposed to be one legged hitchhiker. Sorry everyone.

 
At 1:13 PM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Just so everyone knows- there is a Harley factory in Kansas City. But Harleys are made for wealthy suburbanites, not farm folk. And that still doesn't take away from the fact that this query is blatantly retarded.

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger katwoman79 said...

Why did snoop doggy do need an umbrella?

For the fadrizzle.

Damn, these one liners are way more entertaining than the query. :)

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

This query gives me a headache so bad it could kill Hitler.

 
At 1:56 PM, Blogger penlies said...

No no, it goes.. What do you call a one legged hooker?

Ilean

What do you call an asian one legged hooker?

Irene

 
At 1:57 PM, Blogger penlies said...

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

Completely off the subject, but while perusing the shelves of Blockbuster the other night, I came across the movie Sasquatch Hunters. How does this shit get the greenlight???

 
At 3:23 PM, Blogger classymac said...

How disillusioned these typists must feel (OK, it's a given, I know) when they can't even hold our attention through 3 queries until we get to the one-legged hooker jokes.

I lurve all of you (OK, like a lot but not ready for a commitment)

 
At 3:31 PM, Blogger POPEalicious said...

Why did snoop doggy do need an umbrella?

For the fadrizzle.


\(^_^)/ katwoman, you totally murdered that one...he needs the umbrella "fo' drizzle"

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger Josephine Verna said...

Grammar must be this author's second language.

 
At 10:07 PM, Blogger jedmunds said...

I've got a great idea for a movie. Who do I send the query letter to?

 
At 10:54 PM, Blogger The Visitor said...

"THE POLAR OPPOSITE EXPRESS"

 
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At 9:50 AM, Blogger James said...

At 3:11 PM, RockSteady said...
"Completely off the subject, but while perusing the shelves of Blockbuster the other night, I came across the movie Sasquatch Hunters. How does this shit get the greenlight???"

One word: Money.

That thing was probably shot a budget of someone maxing out a credit card or two. Even the worst shit can actually turn a profit in rentals. Ten to one will get you that within a year or two you'll see Sasquatch Hunters 2: The Fur Flies.

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger anders3000 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 7:43 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

I have a polar opposite. He lives in Antartica.

 
At 9:11 PM, Blogger anders3000 said...

“the young man is allowed return home to follow in his fathers footsteps as a Lawyer/business man/ senator.”

First thing the dude has to do is get some edumecation. 11 years in rural Kansas? He’s not gonna be very bright as a lawyer/senator. Now give him a back hoe, combine or potato shooter and he’d be top notch. Betcha he graduated most likely to bang Becky Sue in the back of his polar twin step dad’s twin’s pick up. And the mere fact that he waits all those years for permission to return to “spoiled rich kid life” is proof positive he’s an idiot.

 
At 7:04 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

Would it be more interesting if the young 20 somthing man grew up in Boston and then returned to the Harley world of rural Kansas where he gets his ass kicked for the next two hours..kind of like that movie with the Rock where he comes back from Vietnam..I mean The Gulf War.. except he gets drubbed and finally returns back to Boston telling stories of the untamed west. Yes, yes it would be better.

 
At 7:41 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Hey Anders3000: Back off Kansas, pal. There are many worse places to be from. Idaho comes to mind (except they have an ass-kicking governor, evidently). Seems a backhoe could totally level your glass house on education(one word, not two). Oh, and I have shot one hell of a potato gun. 300 yards.

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

Meg - 300 yards!!!!

I love a woman that could kill people with potatos.

 
At 10:28 AM, Blogger Meg said...

It was amazing. The THUMP sound it made will stick with me forever.

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Hey, when I was in grad school, I got to shoot a chicken gun. It was an awesome sounding whoomp! sound. It's better if the chickens are frozen because they do more damage that way but a real bird strike on an airplane is not a frozen bird. Oh well. I'd like to shoot a potato gun, too.

 
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