Thursday, May 19, 2005

He chose... poorly. No more bad DaVinci Code rip-offs, please.

"GENRE: SUPERNATURAL COMEDY


LOGLINE: Struggling to soothe the ghost haunting his workplace, the hapless tour guide of an ancient chapel falls through the floorboards into the path of a skeleton army, a rising river of blood, and buried treasure the Knights Templar will do anything to protect.


SYNOPSIS: A guy works as a tour guide at Scotland's historic Rosslyn Chapel. Passed over for several promotions, he is pessimistic about his prospects until strange supernatural events begin happening inside the church. Looking for a chance to be a hero, he calls on old school chum who's now a paranormal investigator in the US. Getting reacquainted doesn't go as well as it might; the pretty lady he hits on at a local bar turns out to be his friend's wife. But they soon begin to develop a grudging respect for each other as they unravel the mystery of the Lady in Black who haunts the chapel. She's the ghost of a young Gypsy who Oliver Cromwell burned alive there in 1650, and she'll knock off her spooking if the two of them can get to her rightful resting place, a Gypsy graveyard a few miles away.


The two men discover why the owners of Rosslyn Chapel refuse to give permission to excavate. Centuries ago, the Knights Templar hid the Holy Grail and other priceless artifacts underneath the chapel, and they've made it clear to the current owners that they'll kill to protect their secret. Therefore, it's all the more alarming when they fall through the old floorboards into a deep underground vault filled with skeletons and demons, collapsing walls and a rising river of blood. Can they get the Lady in Black to her final resting place and come back alive with their jobs and friendship intact?"

59 Comments:

At 10:48 AM, Blogger boredinchicago said...

they also find the nearby river of slime, and a painting of Vigo, the master of evil, who sets out to kidnap a baby so he can live again! who you gonna call...

oh and wasn't the holy grail supposed to be mary magdaline's vagina or something.

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

What a sham by the Knights Templar! I mean who needs to guard this thing when you already have skeleton soliders and a river of blood to keep the grail safe.

Who ever heard of a gypsy graveyard?

A title for boredinchicago: "Two Grudgingly Respectful Men and the Snatch of Doom"

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger classymac said...

Hapless?! Hurts so good.

 
At 10:56 AM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

Welcome to Plot Convenience MacPlayhouse.

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger katwoman79 said...

Jesus christ..I've been reading bad queries for too long. This one actually sounds somewhat interesting. Oh well, maybe the river of blood will do me in.

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

"A guy works as a tour guide at Scotland's historic Rosslyn Chapel. Passed over for several promotions . . ."

1) How many promotion possibilities can there be when you work as a tour guide?

2) Wouldn't it just be easier to get another job?

3) This guy's not named Pete, is he?

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

"Can they get the Lady in Black to her final resting place and come back alive with their jobs and friendship intact?"


No.

 
At 11:19 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Maybe the Lady in Black can Get Some Tonight with the Guy in the Gray Rain Slicker.

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Did Oliver Cromwell murder gypsies? I thought he had his hands full with Charles I, Charles II, and the Royalists. Missed that bit in history class, I guess.

The Knights better fix that damn floor before some tourists fall through and lawyers get involved. I can see the complaint now:

"Plaintiff suffered severe physical and emotional trauma upon falling through rotted floorboards. Plaintiff was then faced with a rising tide of blood and a rash of destruction, which left him soaked and itching..."

Actually, this makes for a better story.

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger sharpie said...

It would be more entertaining if he cut everything after the first comma. Mmmmm...soooothe.

 
At 11:47 AM, Blogger Tourette Spice said...

I would have succeeded too if it was not for those pesky skeleton soliders...
And their rising river of blood...
I hate it when that happens...

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

bet he's thirty something.

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger isolde said...

Meg - The legal issues could be fantastic. Think about it. The grail would undoubtedly be represented in some sort of interpleader action by St. Thomas Moore. Johnnie Cochran could appear on behalf of a class of all "grail crusaders" with a closing argument along the lines of "If it touches your lip, you take a sip!" or something. God, yes, now I know why I went to law school!

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger isolde said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger Nørgård 3 said...

This is a funny site. And the imagination is just overwhelming. Think you're having a lot of danish visitors these days.

Tue, Denmark
www.womenmoustache.blogspot.com

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger Slimey8 said...

A bit off subject, but have you noticed that empress is the only one posting stuff these days? Where's manager guy?

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger * said...

It'd be more interesting if there was a Lady in Black Leather.

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Slimey8: Yes, I noticed that The Empress is the only one posting all month a while ago.

Maybe Manager Guy had a nervous breakdown, or decided to get a real job.

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

Kat said...
It'd be more interesting if there was a Lady in Black Leather.

There is more than one actually. They are the female assassins sent by the Knights Templar (who no longer travel around in armour on horseback by the way).

 
At 12:58 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Are we getting a lot of Danish postings?? Really?

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Isolde: Yes, I can also see the potential for some crossclaims against the Knights from the Rosslyn Church for damages done by demons. We're sick.

 
At 1:02 PM, Blogger Amazing Ben said...

How exactly do they plan to transport the ghost?

LADY IN BLACK: Dude, I gotta get to a gypsy cemetary a couple of miles down the road... can I bum a ride with you?

HAPLESS TOUR GUIDE: Yeah, but only as long as you promise to stop haunting the Knights Templar. We can take my hatchback.

The only thing this query is missing is a disillusioned professor, a pit full of poison gas crocodiles and a handful of college students.

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger Carl said...

"he is pessimistic about his prospects until strange supernatural events begin happening inside the church...She's the ghost of a young Gypsy who Oliver Cromwell burned alive there in 1650..."

Any special reason the ghost waited 355 years to start haunting the church?

 
At 1:13 PM, Blogger Jason B. said...

Can I get my "scraps on" with this order of fish and chips?

This POS has "Brit" written all over it.

 
At 1:20 PM, Blogger but_seriously said...

"Can they get the Lady in Black to her final resting place and come back alive with their jobs and friendship intact?"

This is like the paying the rent post. I don't think I'd be worrying about my shitty tour guide job if I were about to drown in a rising river of blood.

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger classymac said...

Meg wrote: Are we getting a lot of Danish postings?? Really?

I think he said "danish postings". I'm waiting for the brioche postings myself. Mmmm...brioche.

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I'm suing for mental anguish and punitive damages just for having to read this query.

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Is there a clue in the dollar ball?

Oliver Cromwell burned Gypsies? What, for kicks?

How old is Simon Templar, anyway?

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Taffy, I'll help with that.

 
At 1:57 PM, Blogger penlies said...

"he calls on old school chum who's now a paranormal investigator in the US."

In the US? I hope he meant the U.S., or is it some metaphysical thing I don't get?

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger penlies said...

Isn't a Gypsy's "rightful resting place" an oxymoron?

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger Janey62 said...

Skeletons .. demons .. collapsing walls .. rising river of blood .. and he's worried about still having his job intact?? Screw the job and the friendship - I'm getting outta here.

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger boredinchicago said...

the reason managerguy isn't posting anymore is because he finally got a GOOD script and is off producing it!

 
At 3:31 PM, Blogger kojled said...

one time, i had this job, and i worked as a tour guide, and the boss kept telling me i wouldn't get promoted, and there was this parade of mean skeletons that came through everyday, and a river of blood that messed everything up, and some stupid knights who were also mean. and, i just quit

zilla

 
At 3:39 PM, Blogger girl said...

"filled with skeletons and demons"?

Up until this exact moment, I was completely unaware of the physical properties of demons. I guess i thought they were sort of non-corporeal beings, but now I see them stacked on top of each other like sardines, filling the space...

 
At 4:42 PM, Blogger Carter said...

boredinchicago said:
the reason managerguy isn't posting anymore is because he finally got a GOOD script and is off producing it!

After reading all this crap, if he got a GOOD script, his head would explode. Hijinks would surely ensue.

 
At 6:51 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

I had a pie filled with skeletons and demons once. It was one of those Hostess things. I'm pretty sure it was artificially flavored, though.

 
At 7:51 PM, Blogger A Legend Among Whispers said...

It would be just my luck to fall through the floor just as the skeleton army is passing through...

 
At 9:44 PM, Blogger COLOfilm said...

I can see the trailer:

ANNCR: He was on the corporate fast track.

PETE: So your telling me that if I put in five more years as an apprentice tour guide, I'll get my own megaphone? Cooool.

ANNCR: She was a restless spirit.

ROSE: Geez, a whole friggin' army of impotent skeletons, what's a gal have to do to get a little rigor mortis around here?

ANNCR: He stumbled into her world.

PETE: What's a nice girl like you doing on a knight like him?

ANNCR: She found her ticket out.

ROSE: Hey, you know that Gypsy graveyard down the street? I'm just dying to get in there.

ANNCR: He found the girl of his dreams.

PETE: You don't stink much for a dead chick.

ANNCR: Would he risk his life to save her soul?

PETE: Um, is that, like a river of blood?

ROSE: It's okay kid, it happens once a month.

ANNCR: Would he battle the ancient guardians?

PETE: Why are those knight dudes so pissed off?

ROSE: That's just a Templar tantrum.

ANNCR: A romance for the ages.

PETE: Rose, promise me you'll never let go.

ROSE: Near, far, whatever.

ANNCR: See the good-feel movie of the year: "If the Spirit Moves"

 
At 12:25 AM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

Why are there skeletons and demons around the holy grail? Wouldn't they avoid it? Wouldn't the demons try to help him steal the grail?

 
At 12:44 AM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Falling through the floor and landing in front of a skeleton army? Paging Bruce Campbell...

 
At 12:44 AM, Blogger charoopzoop said...

"a templar tantrum." this site kills me. have the floorboards not been replaced since 1650? gives new meaning to "tourist trap."

 
At 12:55 AM, Blogger charoopzoop said...

is there such a thing as a GOOD DaVinci Code rip-off?

brief note: if memory serves, this is the first post in the last several days that has but one passing reference to the ads... and no mention of BumperNuts! is the query so bad that the primary impulse is to bash it, or better (er, um, no, that can't be it) than the preceding entries? and where the hell is bcphil when you need him?

 
At 5:51 AM, Blogger dodgeperry said...

Colofilm,

"Dying to get there" - Thumbs down. I actually groaned when I read that.

"Happens once a month" - Thumbs up. Way up!

 
At 6:39 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Charoopzoop:

Bumpernuts. There, is that better?

 
At 6:40 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Please note the google ad for Freemasonry. Also, we have a new contender in the Indie Film ad.

 
At 6:41 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Oh boy, check out the IndiePix ad for the new movie "Wellstone!" about Paul Wellstone's life. Not Wellstone, but Wellstone!

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger Annoynimus said...

There's an ad for a "Freemason Superstore."

Call me prejudiced but, isn't it a little bit harsh for a Secret Society to remain Secret while advertising all over the Web?

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger Annoynimus said...

boredinchicago said...
the reason managerguy isn't posting anymore is because he finally got a GOOD script and is off producing it!


Or, after six months of queries like these, he realized that the "Clowns Turning Into Soy" script was his best option and is off producing it.

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger boredinchicago said...

oh crap - i just realized that the genre is supposed to be COMEDY! what the f....

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger BananaGrabber said...

Tour guide: "So what's the problem?"

Construction contractor: "Well you got your skeleton army, your rising river of blood. I'm going to have to do a few more tests but I say you got your self an angry gypsy ghost."

TG: "Oh crap how much will that cost to fix?"

CC: "best guess, 10 to 20 grand."

TG: "We can't afford that!"

CC: "I could just fix the hole in the floor."

TG: "And how much is that?"

CC: "5 to 6 thousand."

TG: "GHAA!"

 
At 1:41 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

I'm with Boredinchicago -- How, exactly, is this a comedy???

 
At 12:10 PM, Blogger Andreas said...

"Are we getting a lot of Danish postings?? Really?"

A Danish comedian recently gave this site an - understandably - good review on his webside; so yes - you probably are..

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger Kargokultti said...

By the by, Rosslyn chapel has a stone floor.

 
At 3:36 AM, Blogger Andrew Purvis said...

Let's be clear, The DaVinci Code is very not original. Actually, it's not even that good. Um, rosewood box with inset white rose? This is not a reason to trust a Lancaster who got his knighthood writing about the Yorks. Oh gee, so the plot twists were pretty much over after 51 chapters?

I am a fan of albino monks who also happen to be flagellants, but then I got that in The Name of the Rose, thanks. I love the whole idea of chasing mysteries by making cool connections, but that was ppretty well covered in Foucault's Pendulum (which manages the Templars better, too, but that may be because its author did real research).

The great revelations of The DaVinci Code almost measure up to the whole Lincoln-Kennedy links. Let people rip it off. The movie would probably be better than Dan Brown's novel.

 
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