Friday, May 20, 2005

The Astronaut's Wife... IS A MONKEY!!!

"A hapless astronaut navigates his way through life utilizing his charm and personality rather than his wits. He’s been in love with space travel since he was a kid, aspiring to be involved with the space program and boldly go where no man has gone before. Along the way, he learned to use people as a means to his ends, especially women. He is ignorant of the hurt and emotional disasters he’s left in his wake.

When NASA decides to monitor the stress and affects of speed of light travel on humans, they select an astronaut that is ‘expendable,’ and who for all intents and purposes won’t be missed if something goes wrong, which they agree is a distinct possibility. They choose him for the first mission. While he’s excited to be getting his chance, he’s dismayed to find they’ve paired him with ‘X,’ a female chimpanzee pilot with much more flight experience. Two NASA scientists are anxious to get him into space. A third scientist believes it’s incumbent upon NASA to let him know about the dangers he faces, including the possibility of not returning to earth. She eventually tells him, risking her own career in the process. He still chooses to continue on with the mission.

A powerful politician from Texas pressures the launch during inclement weather, a negation of standard procedure. The spacecraft is subsequently struck by lightning while still on the pad, causing irreparable damage to one of the electrical circuits, but the problem goes undetected. The launch continues as planned, yet the malfunction eventually causes the spacecraft to be jettisoned into an unplanned and extended flight. This malfunction forces the astronaut and ‘X.’ to spend three calendar months in space at the speed of light, when they return to an earth that has aged 200 years.

When they first arrive on earth in 2205, our guy is unsure where they’ve landed, although the instruments assure him it is earth. He receives no radio feedback on reentry from mission control. They immediately meet a mild-mannered man who initially doesn’t understand that they are from the past, instead believing the shuttle to be a form of ‘classic’ spacecraft and that the astronaut is an enthusiast. The two are introduced to a society and global condition that is vastly improved compared to the one they recently departed. Pollution, crime, war, famine that existed on earth 200 years before is now obsolete and the power structure has shifted to females. In fact, women dominate the planet and men are subservient. There are no longer relationships between men and women.

The pair are quickly ‘met’ by liaisons of the establishment and taken to a processing center. Their ship and belongings are analyzed. In 2205, the earth is devoid of chimpanzees, who have become extinct as a result of mankind’s negligence and the ‘authorities’ are more interested in ‘X.’ than they are in the astronaut. He meets two scientists who will help him acclimate himself to his new environment. All the while, the man who found the two space travelers becomes more enamored with where they came from.

The astronaut has become a better human being during his three months in space with X, but he has a long way to go. He and X have no way to get back home and they must make the best of it. The Governor of States is due to arrive in three weeks and will be in a better situation to assist him with his situation. Until then, he is free to learn what he can about society—and given a shock collar. The female scientist is assigned as his escort. In fact, she is a spy instructed to report to the other scientist. During the following weeks, the astronaut bonds with the other men as he teaches them to play ball and he develops his attraction to his watcher. Also, X. begins to fall ill. The other doctor sees this as her chance to clone X-- for the protection of the species and at the expense of X’s life. She kidnaps X.

The astronaut rushes to rescue X. In the attempt, he feels betrayed by his doctor, who rushes off, presumably to report to the mastermind of the plan. During the final confrontation at the hospital, the Governor of States arrives and his doctor is with her.

The Governor stops the procedure and releases X to the astronaut's care. The evil doctor is taken away in disgrace. Adam learns that his supervisor did not betray him. Rather, she’d alerted the Governor to what her collegue was planning and ultimately saved X. In the aftermath, the Governor explains how their world has shifted off balance and acknowledges that aggression cannot be attributed to either sex. She also surprises him when she tells him that they have the technology for time travel, though it is never used. The Governor makes an exception for X . Despite his feelings for the lovely doctor, the astronaut insists on taking X on a one-way trip home.

As preparations are being made to board the spacecraft back to earth, it is clear that the two of them care for one another. The finding man suddenly grabs X and they jump into the spacecraft and close the hatch. X smiles knowingly as she waves goodbye and the astronaut realizes this is the way it should be. He will stay to build a new world with his doctor, X will go home, and the kidnnapper will realize his dream of going back in time and seeing the Yankees. In the end, he realizes his dream, too—boldly going where no man has gone before."

133 Comments:

At 10:38 AM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

fjxfkvgrbjkslsdu;asjkdlfrea;

What? Oh sorry, I feel asleep and my head hit the keyboard. I don't even know where to start with this one. Let's go with-- how come he didn't give the monkey a better name? X. Lame. Monkeys should be named after cool, inanimate objects like Bubbles, Peaches, and Flan.

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger Codger said...

Planet of the Apes meets Sleeper?

The second word in the description defines the entire description.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger Meg said...

For the love of God, use some fucking NAMES!!!!!

"the finding man" is apparently also the "kinnapper"

I like to think that when women rule the world we will have names.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

It's so great he's hapless. That's two in one week.

So he's been a complete dick to women and then is sent into the future where he learns to be a better guy through hanging out with a chimp and living only amongst men? And there are no Sharkos?

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

"The pair are quickly ‘met’ by liaisons of the establishment..."

What is the difference between being met and being 'met'?

Who does the establishment liase with when they are not 'meeting' people from the past?

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

"To boldly go where no man has gone before..."

Unfortunately, I believe man has already "gone there before" with female monkeys. And male monkeys as well.

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger Amazing Ben said...

I think my head is going to explode from reading this. I mean, who would have guessed that a movie about a time-traveling monkey astronaut could be so boring?

Also, is the "boldly going where no man before" line referring to Yankee Stadium or monkey sex? Because if it's the former, my inner Red Sox fan compels me to mention that the Yankees suck.

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger Amazing Ben said...

Taffy: It's a large weight off of my conscience that I'm not the only one who inferred that when I read it.

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

In the future, people won't have names, but chimps will. But I think the chimps name should be two letters instead of one. "ET," maybe...

Wait. I just found the name, "Adam," though I have no idea who this is. Another chimp, presumeably. Perhaps a gorilla.

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Yeah and what's that last bit about the Yankees? Idiot.

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

"When NASA decides to monitor the stress and affects of speed of light travel on humans, they select an astronaut that is ‘expendable,’ and who for all intents and purposes won’t be missed if something goes wrong, which they agree is a distinct possibility."

Wow...this is bizarrely similar to the assistant hiring practices of most Hollywood studios and agencies...

"There are no longer relationships between men and women."

OK....so no pollution, no war, no crime, no famine...and NO SEX?!?!?!

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger COLOfilm said...

This is the best use of flying monkeys since "The Wizard of Oz"

Working Title: "Planet of the Oops"

I give it two opposable thumbs up.

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger JM Snyder said...

You know, I think they use cadavers for these kinds of experiments, not "hapless" astronauts. That way if something does go terribly wrong, the dead can't hire a lawyer and sue NASA, being (as they already are) dead.

Then again, switching the astronaut for a cadaver might make this story a helluva lot better.

 
At 11:47 AM, Blogger katwoman79 said...

Did anyone get a really funky-ass feeling in the pit of their stomach when they invisioned the part where "X smiles knowingly as she waves goodbye"?

Also, this "X" seems like a space ho. I mean she gets with one astronaught, leaves him the future only to take the "finding man" (what the fuck?)back into the past.

I suspect that "X" is really running an intergalactic whore house and everyone is her sex pawns. Good times.

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger z0l0ft said...

The writer keeps saying "boldly go where no man has gone before" but he just goes into the future where people go all the time. I just travelled boldly 20 seconds into the future.

Look, here I go again!

Fart!

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger dodgeperry said...

1)"..boldly go where no man has gone before"

Copyright infringement and not very original. One should at least try to use one's own words while trying to sell a movie.

2)"A powerful politician from Texas pressures the launch during inclement weather"

freakin' Tom DeLay!

3)This malfunction forces the astronaut and ‘X.’ to spend three calendar months in space at the speed of light, when they return to an earth that has aged 200 years.

I'm no Einstein, but if one travel's at the speed of light for three months, when you return, you have only been gone for three months. Light travels at the speed of light, but it's not time travelling.

3)"In fact, women dominate the planet and men are subservient."

Welcome to married life.

4)"There are no longer relationships between men and women.

See above.

5)"The other doctor sees this as her chance to clone X-- for the protection of the species and at the expense of X’s life. She kidnaps X."

-Too many 'she's'. Does the other doctor kidnap X? To clone and kill her(x)? IS the "spy" doctor kindnapping X to save her? Some names would be helpful.

-Obviously in the future, cloning is performed via a process involving KILLING THE ORIGINAL! This almost defeats the purpose of cloning.

6)"The finding man suddenly grabs X and they jump into the spacecraft and close the hatch."

--I like the name 'the finding man'- very mysterious in an X-Files sort of way.

--Does this time-travelling facility have no security? Who let this person of no scientific or legal authority in?

7)"the kidnnapper will realize his dream of going back in time and seeing the Yankees. In the end, he realizes his dream,..."

How is this finding man/kidnapper going to get into Yankee Stadium? He has no money, no driver's license, no SSN card. He's eventually going to end up living on the streets or deported to Gitmo. Or after telling enough people he comes from 200 years in the future where they've invented time-travel, but can't clone a freakin' monkey without killing it, he'll be institutionalized. Some dream!

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Timmy Mac said...

Typical Yankees fan, stealing someone's monkey and going back in time.

Go SOX!!!

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger Scott said...

Wow!

That was crap-tastic!

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger hoover said...

The astronaut has become a better human being during his three months in space with X, but he has a long way to go.

how the hell did he become a better human being by being stranded in space for three months with a monkey-pilot? did the sign through his lifetime of misogyny? and if this is the query, how the hell long is the script? and lastly, this was episode of the twilight zone (no monkey but same dumb-ass story)

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger penlies said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger penlies said...

"I'm no Einstein, but if one travel's at the speed of light for three months, when you return, you have only been gone for three months. Light travels at the speed of light, but it's not time traveling."

Einstein would disagree with you.

And everyone just lay off a bit, I actually wrote this one....when I was 6. And yes I liked fucking monkeys.

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger Space Shark said...

"The spacecraft is subsequently struck by lightning while still on the pad, causing irreparable damage to one of the electrical circuits, but the problem goes undetected."

I think this paragraph proves the author once worked for NASA.

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger Janey62 said...

"The astronaut rushes to rescue X .. presumably to report to the mastermind of the plan."

"Presumably"??? This guy is such a smart writer that he doesn't *know* where the doctor has gone in his story? Or is he still working on this premise? WTF.

 
At 12:47 PM, Blogger Meg said...

"...the dead can't hire a lawyer and sue NASA, being (as they already are) dead."

Salem, sadly enough, you're wrong about this.

Dodgeperry: Slow down there little camper! You're response was nearly as long as the query!

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

This story sucks.

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger GobiasInc said...

Too many doctors and scientists, not enough Chimpanzees.

Please fix and resend query.

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

My big problems with this:

1) When you put a star trek reference (Going boldly where no man has gone before) it automatically goes into the shredder.

2) Time dilation doesn't work like that. At the speed of light the speeder can't percieve time, so an infinite amount of time will pass before he/she is able to "slow down" by his/her own power.

3) This is a rip off of "Buck Rodgers", an early 80's tv show based on a early 30's comic strip charecter.

4) If there are no relationships between men and women that implies that the population is exclusively homosexual. That could only be accomplished by massive genetic manipulation and an almost constant stream of propaganda (1984, brave new world, etc). It is highly unlikely that the doctor's newfound heterosexual tendancies would be accepted.

5) This just sucks. I've written some truly horrid sci-fi crap but this is amazing.

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger BananaGrabber said...

"The two are introduced to a society and global condition that is vastly improved compared to the one they recently departed."

I tried to diagram this sentance and my head exploded.

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

I have a query too:

Some guy goes to a bar and uses the "Astronaut" line and it actually works. He goes home with some gullible bimbo and has humiliating (for her) drunken sex with her for 15 minutes before passing out and crapping the bed in his sleep. In the morning he gives the bimbo a fake number and sprints for the exit, never to be seen or heard from again. Then, the bimbo writes a query.

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Jason B. said...

Who can read this? Anyone who got through the whole thing gets an "A" for the day and I'll buy you a virtual drink.

And someone else play Atlas's whisper price game. I don't want to be alone.

http://assistantatlas.blogspot.com/

 
At 12:58 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Rabbi, I'll have a pint of virtual Newcastle, please. Then again, I have a shitty job that I live to skive off, so maybe I don't deserve the drink for slacking off and reading the whole fucking query.

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Shit, in my earlier post, I meant "your post..." It's Friday, what can I say?

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Shelley123, I'm delivering to you a cyber slap on behalf of all assistants everywhere. Most of us are not expendable-- our bosses are. That said, based on your previous posts, I still think you are hilarious and will make the slap soft and gentle. [and thanks for the plug, Rabbi]

 
At 1:35 PM, Blogger buster said...

so instead of Apes in the Earth's distant future its now the lovely ladies? iggity, iggity al'right!

gets your manicured, silky, smooth hands off me you damn, dirty lady!

X? as in PROJECT X? paging Matthew Broderick. sheesh. wow. this guy like rips off 3 or 4 flicks in his story. wow. crap.

 
At 1:35 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

Dammit. That's 5 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

"Along the way, he learned to use people as a means to his ends, especially women. He is ignorant of the hurt and emotional disasters he’s left in his wake."

Sounds like someone needs to read "He's Just Not That Into You" and get over it.

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

1.) Clearly the writer has envisioned a future without sex because he has lived his whole life without sex and wants the rest of us to suffer too.

2.) Presumably, reproduction in this society is via cloning, but since cloning apparently kills the original organism, everyone is an orphan.How depressing. And confusing.

3.) As a public service to my fellow posters, I'm now going to assign names to all the characters so that we can more clearly define the many flaws of this query.

Astronaut = Col. Dirk "Flyboy" Sheridan(His nickname being a play on words regarding both his profession and his sexual promiscuity. Clever, no?)

X = Eve (because in the future, she will represent the regeneration of her species. Oooooh!)

Female NASA scientist who feels bad about toasting this moron in a fiery time-travel implosion = Dr. Felicity Truman (She's true to her man!)

Dumb Ass Texas Politician with too much power and no regard for human life = Congressman Dom FeRay (don't want a lawsuit)

Mild Mannered Man/Finding Man/Kidnnaper = Angus McBystander

Gullible future woman scientist who inexplicably falls in love with our idiot protagonist = Dr. Tangelo Whitesnake (in the future, since all the parents are dead, the clone children are named after fruits and 80's hair bands)

Evil scientist who kidnaps the chimp and may/or may not be the same woman as above, but for the sake of progress we'll assume she's a different person and give her a different name = Dr. Nectarine Bon Jovi (see above for future naming conventions)

Female scientist who is assigned to be Flyboy's escort but is really a spy, who may or may not be the character described above, because by this point the writer had clearly polished off that six-pack of Bud and had sparked up a few doobies = Dr. Nectarine Bon Jovi if sam as above, or Dr. Passionfruit Van Halen if this is a new character

His doctor who rushes off, presumably to report to the mastermind of this plan = Holy crap, is this one of the people above or a new person? Because I'm running out of fruit and bands, but I can't abandon you guys now, besides I'm in way too deep to quit, so let's call her Dr. Guava Cinderella

Sam = Sam (I have no idea who the hell this is or what s/he adds to the story. Plus my head hurts and I fell a little disoriented. Sorry I can't be of help here)

Governor of All States = Screw it. He doesn't have a name. Just a title. Because he was cloned specifically to rule and didn't need a name.

Dear God, that was more painful than giving birth. What I won't do for you people...

 
At 1:53 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

There are a few typos in my above post. That's because halfway through I took up drinking. Sorry.

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger sharpie said...

This query is much better if the chimps name is Tits.

...the ‘authorities’ are more interested in Tits than they are in the astronaut.

The astronaut has become a better human being during his three months in space with Tits

The other doctor sees this as her chance to clone Tits

Despite his feelings for the lovely doctor, the astronaut insists on taking Tits on a one-way trip home.

The finding man suddenly grabs Tits and they jump into the spacecraft and close the hatch.

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

Atlas, I used to be an assistant and was aiming my comment at the heartless bastards at the studios and agencies.

I'm not fond of slapping, but a soft and gentle spanking might get you off that assistant desk. Just sayin'.

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

Maybe the Governor of All States is late getting to the astronaut because he is decended from the Govenor of Idaho and is busy with that whole Jewish/Masonic conspiracy thing??

 
At 2:22 PM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Shelley. . . that's hot. That's really hot. Even if it doesn't get me out of Sloane's clutches, it's still f**king hot. . . .

Wow, I need to get laid more.

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger Amanda said...

I think it'll be golden if you add in a few Sasquatches.

 
At 3:37 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Sharpie, I peed myself reading your post. I may even change my name to Tits and run for the local school board.

 
At 6:28 PM, Blogger Annoynimus said...

This has to be the most sick and distorted query ever published here!

They're gonna love it in Kansas.

Not only has explicit acts of bestialism, it also proposes a new and exciting theory of evolution where monkeys evolve from horny and confused astronauts.

I wonder how much it'll take for them to put it into science textbooks.

 
At 10:23 PM, Blogger Lucky Lux said...

A space ship with a monkey pilot and a player flyboy is way more fun than a barrel of monkies.

Meanwhile, I'm awaiting a visit from the Governor of Food.

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger jnr said...

spaceship struck by lightning. and no one notices?

epic banana cream pie battle the only possible explanation.

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger but_seriously said...

While we're on the subject of beastiality, I thought you left-wingers may enjoy this article.


http://villagevoice.com/news/0520,mondosplit1,64168,6.html

 
At 10:06 PM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

This isn't just a ripoff of "Buck Rogers", it's a ripoff of John Collier's 1930 novel His Monkey Wife.

Also, "Hapless Astronauts" would be a good name for a thrash-polka band.

 
At 1:46 AM, Blogger The Visitor said...

WHO DA FUCK IS "ADAM"???

 
At 6:07 AM, Blogger VP19 said...

I like to think the astronaut would end up returning to an alternate universe where neither the Red Sox nor Yankees exist (thus eliminating both pretentious literary "curses" and John Sterling), and baseball's dominant team is instead the Washington Nationals. Ah, we can dream...

Other than that, this almost reads like a bad episode of "I Dream Of Jeannie," where Jeannie magically alters herself into another species to accompany Tony on a space mission (or herself is changed by her mischievous brunette double).

 
At 4:35 PM, Blogger Max Schadenfreude said...

The astronaut's pet name for the monkey is Cameltoe.

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger Meg said...

But_Seriously: That article is just wrong. I know people from Georgia and they have never mentioned sex with donkeys. At least not sober.

 
At 7:21 AM, Blogger but_seriously said...

Meg: I am originally from SC, and I would agree. But something tells me that neither of us hang out with overzealous anti-abortionists who screw mules. Just a hunch.

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

I bought the knowing smile from X. After all, she is has much more flight experience than Macho Astronaut. X is wise in the ways mere humans cannot comprehend.

This story doesn't ask you to merely suspend disbelief. It asks you to take out it back and stomple it into the ground.

 
At 7:51 AM, Blogger Meg said...

I just KNEW there was something wrong with Pat Robertson.

 
At 9:23 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

PLANET OF THE BABES.

"Damn you, damn you all to hell!"

 
At 12:15 PM, Blogger kojled said...

now, all this writer has to do is invent a time machine, go back to the sixties, and pitch this to the studios - they'd love it, babe

 
At 1:20 PM, Blogger PeteTDX said...

What a fucking piece of shit

 
At 3:56 PM, Blogger David Sternfeld said...

high concept (hi kon' sept), noun.

This writer's mistaken premise that a screenplay be based on what was imagined while hammered under the influence of flammable solvents, drain cleaner fumes or copious combined quantities of designer drugs and alcohol while visiting the chimp exhibit at the zoo.

I've got to stop reading these queries before I splatter cranial shrapnel everywhere.

 
At 4:21 PM, Blogger Kai said...

Let's see...the more experienced pilot is a (female) monkey, the future Earth is run by females.....perhaps men really ARE expendable?????????????

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger Casper Vidor said...

"Unfortunately, I believe man has already "gone there before" with female monkeys. And male monkeys as well."

I went there with a female monkey once; later, as we were cuddling, the finding man burst into the room and threw feces at us.

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger Casper Vidor said...

"He goes home with some gullible bimbo and has humiliating (for her) drunken sex with her for 15 minutes before passing out"

Reg,

Dude there is nothing humiliating about 15 minutes of sex. Humiliating sex is when viagra gives you gas, and you spend 5 minutes grunting and farting before you realize that you forgot to open the door of the car for the bimbo, and you've been air-humping your Posturepedic.

Man that stings!

 
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