Wednesday, May 25, 2005

42 minutes too long

"I am seeking representation for my first film, 42 minutes, Hi-8, a supernatural love story, magic realism. English with songs in Russian and Greek. Multiracial cast. A deadly love triangle unfolds among a sorcerer, his shape-shifting wife, and her young lover and reveals how many conditions attached to 'unconditional' love.
In order to seduce the lover, the black wife asks the sorcerer: 'Make me young, make me white, make me beautiful... What THEY think is beautiful...' Even though the young man is madly in love with her he cannot overlook our 'earthy' boundaries."

73 Comments:

At 12:20 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i ... thought she was a shapeshifter?

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger isolde said...

My screen name is Isolde.

Thought I'd point this out, cause this story sounds vaguely familiar to me. Hmm.

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Yes, because a black woman wanting to be white will REALLY appeal to a multicultural audience.

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Wait a second....The wife asks her husband, the sorcerer, to change her looks so she can cheat on him with a younger guy?

Wife: Honey, do you have a minute

Sorcerer: Yes dear, what's up?

Wife: Um, this is going to sound wierd, but could you change me into a young, hot, white woman with huge boobs?

Sorcerer: I suppose I could, why?

Wife: I want to give the pool boy a go and figure it'd be easier if I were young, white, and busty.

Sorcerer: I have a better idea. Why don't you just kick me in the nuts and we'll pretty much get to the same spot, as far as I'm concerned, and we won't have to bother with any magic. Better yet, have some antibiotic-resistant syphilis you shape-changing whore and get your shit out of the house before I turn you into an anal wart.

Fin.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

"English with songs in Russian and Greek"

great.


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger Vivalos said...

Hi-8, eh? What, was Mini-DV just too expensive?

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger JM Snyder said...

I thought white = beautiful went out with the civil rights movement in the late 60's.

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

Wait...so the young man is madly in love with the black woman but she has to seduce him as a white woman because he can't get over the 'earthly' fact the woman he's madly in love with is black? Let's just kill the cracker and be done with it.

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

C'mon, these last couple queries can't be real, can they?

"...reveals how many conditions attached to 'unconditional' love..."

What conditions? STDs?

 
At 1:16 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Reg: Anal wart. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

SO . . .

"English with songs in Russian and Greek." = My mom's Russian. My dad's Greek. And I don't have to pay royalties on existing folk songs.

"Multiracial cast." = I need a black chick and a white chick to play the same role.

"his shape-shifting wife . . . Make me young, make me white, make me beautiful" = I'm a shape shifter, but somehow I decided that being an old, ugly, black woman would be my first choice shape.

"42 minutes" = 40 minutes of Russian and Greek folk songs.

"Hi-8" = What the?

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

This is your *first* film? Wow! Hard to believe! Never would have guessed.

I'm still trying to figure out "magic realism," which seems like an oxymoron to me. To my way of thinking, magic is weilding some sort of supernatural power that causes mountains to fall and evil to vanish and Ewan McGregor to fall madly in love with me, while realism is cleaning the toilet, sitting in traffic, and having sweaty, creepy guys hitting on me at the YMCA gym.

Not seeing how these concepts mesh. Unless there's a magical toilet somewhere that turns paunchy suburban accountants into Ewan McGregor.

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger Carl said...

"Even though the young man is madly in love with her he cannot overlook our 'earthy' boundaries."

Is that some PC way of saying "Baby's got back?"

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger JM Snyder said...

"Unless there's a magical toilet somewhere that turns paunchy suburban accountants into Ewan McGregor."

I need that toilet! Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Who the hell wrote this-- a mentally-handicapped Greco-Russian David Duke?

 
At 1:46 PM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

Sally, "magic realism" is a new catch phrase in indie circles, lumped with others under the sci fi genre.

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

Is the conditions on our love our earthy boundaries? If so, I need a big boundary between me and this query. While no query on this site can ever top the Sharkies- this one is mindblowing (and not in a Russian or Greek type of way).

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Sally, we are SO throwing down over Ewan McGregor. Although maybe we could do a time share. You think he likes jello wrestling? I guess I could settle for Clive Owen, though. I'm generous that way.

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger kojled said...

is there a market for directors of embarrassing 42 minute films?

studio exec: empress. i need to meet with your best director of really bad 42 minute films. i've got a huge ten picture deal to offer!

empress: i've got just the guy for you!

se: great! but, look. this guy. he's got to specialize in squirmy bad embarrassing pictures with racial overtones, some songs in, i don't know, russian and greek, and some hokie magic elements - think 'a cross between archie bunker and merlin wearing nothing but dirty underwear'. you got that?

e: oh, yeah. sit tight, sweetheart. i'm sending my guy over

se: yeah? remember, this can't just be bad, it's got to be squirmy bad. i mean, something's stuck in my crack bad. can this guy deliver?

e: take my word for it. you're going to love him

se: thanks babe! you're a life saver! i owe you one

 
At 2:01 PM, Blogger katwoman79 said...

Meg: I already have dibs on Clive..sorry, hon but leave you're mitts off my man ;).

It's always the men with accents, isn't it? If american men could just fake an accent, I think they'd get a lot more action...

hey, maybe that's what this query needs to be good...a brit ;). j/k..no really..nothing would improve this query..not even a random "bumpernuts".

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger Annoynimus said...

"Okay, I got my dad's Hi-8 camera, so we're set to start rolling our movie. Boris, you're going to play the sorcerer."

"Nyet, unless I get to sing."

"But you only sing songs in Russian!"

"That's not true, I also know a song in greek."

"Okay, fine, whatever. Now, Darrell, call your mom.

"My mom? Why?"

"'Cause you momma so ugly, she's gonna play the part of the sorcerer's wife."

"Well, you momma so ugly--"

"Later, Darrell, we're in the middle of a pre-production. Now, since I'm going to play the young, beautiful lover, we're going to need a body-double to play the wife in the love scenes. Did someone finally reached Beyonce?"

"No."

"Nyet."

"Damn. We'll cut the love scenes. That only leave us with 42 minutes. Let's make the most of 'em, people."

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger z0l0ft said...

The black woman says to him "I wanna be white, uptight, and outta-sight!" so he turns her into a tampon.

Fart!

 
At 2:36 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

Meg, I haven't met a heterosexual man yet who would pass up semi-naked women rolling around in Jello. If we can get Ewan into Talladega, he will undoubtedly become our willing love slave.

Katwoman79, you can jump in as well and Clive will be ours as well. Then it will be time for some sweet n' sticky 5-way lovin.

Baum chicka baum, baum baum baum...

Hey! I think I just wrote a better query than anything seen on this site before. Empress,send me a check and I'll get this puppy written up.

 
At 2:38 PM, Blogger katwoman79 said...

zoloft: I think you just made me day...too damn funny!

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger Fat Chance said...

Meg and Reg, you love birds try your hands at Stump The Chump. You know you want it.

Dialogue

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

Ye Panemayoo po-ruskie.

Vasha "query" eto shtul.

Do Svedanya!

 
At 3:13 PM, Blogger penlies said...

Anal warts are no laughing matter Meg and Reg.

I also think the jello wrestling is a bad idea. You guys are too witty to be hot and fat jello wrestling seems kinda well no wait that could be cool to..never mind.

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Why on Earth would you sing in a different language than you speak in, let alone two?

Just dub the whole thing in Esperanto.

 
At 7:29 PM, Blogger A Legend Among Whispers said...

I don't know about Hi-8, but I did discover that eating Chips Ahoy and drinking V8 together provides my taste buds with magical realism.

 
At 5:30 AM, Blogger VP19 said...

Yes, because a black woman wanting to be white will REALLY appeal to a multicultural audience.

Well, to be fair, it has been done twice before, as "Imitation Of Life." Does the shapeshifter have a pancake recipe?

 
At 6:29 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Penlies: Anal warts are funny. Also, you just lost your VIP admission to Talladega. Now you have to pay full price and sit in the cheap seats.

 
At 7:11 AM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Hey, I KNOW... We can call it "My Big Fat Multicultural Piece of Crap!"

YEAH. Let's market the shit out of that mofo.

thelastditch.blogspot.com

 
At 7:20 AM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

When I think of magical realism, I think of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, not "Merlin and Viviane: Booty Call Episode I."

 
At 7:35 AM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

You got me Penlies. Everyone knows that witty women can't be hot, and hot women are never witty. The fact is I'm a hairy, 400 pound, housecoat-wearing frump. Sort of less good looking version of Divine in the movie "Hairspray." Small children shriek and run away when I appear in public in a swimsuit.

Yup...wittiness and attractiveness cannot exist in the same woman. Not ever. Thanks for reminding me of the immutable laws of physics.

 
At 7:46 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Sally, I am not sure how I appreciate being called fat by someone with what is evidently a raging case of anal warts. I think we should sue him for libel.

 
At 8:12 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

When I think of magical realism, I'm reminded of BCPhil and his sci-fi medieval realism. Somehow Phil could pull it off.

Oh, and Penlies has anal warts! Penlies has anal warts!

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

You're right Meg! You're an attorney...draw up the paperwork ASAP. We don't have to take any crap from a guy with anal warts.

Bweaves, you're absolutely right. Only BCPhil could make this query work. Where is he when we need him most? COME BACK, BCPHIL! COME BACK!

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

Unless the anal warts have chicken feet, I'm not interested.

Can you imagine how long it took someone this stupid to make a 42 minute movie? I've produced 12-minute promotionals for schools that took six weeks to make, and everyone involved in the project had a basic grasp of English and sanity.

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger Jeb said...

Which means that you probably spent a lot more time paying attention to what you were doing than Mr. 42 minutes.

 
At 2:49 PM, Blogger anotherwannabe said...

Cool...I'm getting my Sony Digital 8 back from the camera shop soon. I think I'll shoot my own feature. All I'll need is some midgets and some gorrilla suits, just gotta remember to keep the LOW BATT and the time-date icons off the screen.

 
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