Friday, April 22, 2005

You've got to be kidding me.

NANCY DREW IN VIETNAM: Little Allison Hoover needs heart surgery which she can’t afford because her late uncle’s will is missing and her inheritance is about go to the evil Mr. Topham and family. Sounds like a case for the brave teen detective with the golden hair, Nancy Drew! She sacrifices everything in her struggle to solve the mystery and find the will. Her innocence is lost, and her beloved father and house keeper are murdered. But when the will is discovered, the witness to its signing is gone: drafted to fight in Vietnam and currently MIA. So Nancy must track him through the enemy infested jungles, from Mekong to Khe Sanh, eventually disguising herself as a Marine grunt and leading her platoon in the assault on Hamburger Hill. Finally, only by sacrificing her life is she able to find the witness and save Allison’s life.

72 Comments:

At 4:37 PM, Blogger Annoynimus said...

Finally, the Nancy Drew scene we all've been waiting for ages:

She, in drag, gets the "Me-So-Horny" prostitute.

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

So bad it deserves a haiku.

Transvestite nancy drew script writer,
Your query erodes my faith in mankind
Stop before my brain explodes.

 
At 5:03 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

"Finally, only by sacrificing her life is she able to find the witness and save Allison’s life."

Wait...she sacrifices her life THEN finds the witness and THEN saves the little brat's life? Oh, nevermind.

 
At 5:08 PM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

"Her innocence is lost..."

That's really the only interesting line in the whole damn query.

 
At 5:48 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

It would maybe be slightly easier for little Allison to apply for Medicaid. Maybe.

 
At 6:31 PM, Blogger GobiasInc said...

Whoa, is this a typical Nancy Drew mystery? No wonder little girls love these books.

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger left turn clyde said...

Her Dad is murdered? Maybe that mystery should come first. Seeing as how he was beloved and all.

 
At 5:21 AM, Blogger DA said...

And we in Britain think "Thank Heavens for the National Health Service!"

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger James said...

Yeah... I'd definately think someone is kidding you. There is NO WAY that this can be a serious query...

I mean.. I'm willing to buy time traveling Hitlers, planets of sharks and all other kinds of (hopefully) drug induced stupidity... but Nancy Drew vs. Charlie? No f*ckin' way...

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger afterart said...

get me tickets for the midnight show

& pass the bong

 
At 5:03 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

I started to read that first sentence and had to take a break in the middle of it. Good rule of thumb: if you read a sentence out loud and you have to gasp for air when you finish it, you might want to think about making it shorter.

 
At 10:50 PM, Blogger darth.mexico said...

How much did they spend to send Nancy Drew to 'nam? You'd think that'd be enough to pay for the little goil's operation.

You'd think.

 
At 3:27 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

Gobiasinc: Actually, I did love reading Nancy Drew as a kid, and had fond memories of rainy weekend reading .... until I read this query. There are simply not enough syllables in the world for this one.

 
At 5:37 AM, Blogger LC Sulla said...

Crazed: Your Haikus have the wrong # of sylables. 5-7-5.

I think the entire presmise should be old-time children's books characters.... Curious George as the grizzled Seargent ("c'mon, you monkey-faces want to live forever?") and Clifford the Big Red Dog as Ho Chi Mihn. (he's also a "red")

 
At 6:38 AM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 6:40 AM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

"eventually disguising herself as a Marine grunt and leading her platoon in the assault on Hamburger Hill"

"Your new sergeant is this short, thin, golden haired guy with the high pitched voice."

I'm sure the troops would follow that into HELL without question.

 
At 7:14 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Since when do you need to track down the witness to a will?

 
At 8:09 AM, Blogger Phil said...

Someone is teasing you. Either that or you've taken to making these up when the mail gets slow.

 
At 8:12 AM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

That's funny, the guys at alt.nancydrew.slashfic thought this was great idea....

 
At 8:19 AM, Blogger buster said...

this may sound like a stupid question but:

is this set in modern day or back in the 1960s?

cause that makes ALL the difference.

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

This one sounds hilarious. I'd actually like to see it.

I'm sick. I need help.

 
At 10:49 AM, Blogger Kristy said...

I know this is going to devastate everyone, but this is not just a query letter. Swear to God.

The agency I work at has the tendency to request scripts for God only knows what reasons (I think the agents close their eyes and point). So I have actually read this script. That's right, someone actually sat down and wrote all "I forget how many, but only because I slammed my head on my desk after reading it" pages.

And if you think the query's interesting, let me just tell you, it leave out the best scene where Nancy and her gal pals have a sleepover in a cabin, get all frisky in their pajamas, and do LSD, which causes Nancy to freak out, run away and break into another cabin, accidentally finding all the evidence she needs.

I am SO not making that up.

 
At 11:00 AM, Blogger Bladestorm said...

Nancy Drew on LSD...whats next "The Hardy Boys do heroin and get sex changes to find a missing girl in a brothel."

Not exactly what the creators of these characters had in mind.

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Is anyone else starting to visualize the blue haired "wanna date" chick as Nancy Drew?

Haiku is too high brow for this drivel.
Limericks are the way to go!

There was a young woman named Nancy,
Who solved mysteries when she got antsy,
She went off to Nam,
Dressed as a man,
And now all the grunts call him Nancy.

 
At 1:36 AM, Blogger Troy Masters said...

Clearly it is worth sacrificing the life of Nancy Drew, her father, her housekeeper, and an entire platoon of Marines for someone who is going to die of natural causes.

 
At 2:41 AM, Blogger FileEdit said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 2:45 AM, Blogger FileEdit said...

I can't believe someone had the same story idea. I just completed my version, except in my story, in the last scene, Nancy doesn't really die. We see her giving an interview on Oprah. I was hoping to get Angelina Jolie to play the part.

 
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