Thursday, April 14, 2005

I actually printed this one out and set it on fire it was so annoying.

"Here's what they will be talking about...
...on the telephone. . . around the lunch table. . . on the streets. . .

'This topped the box office this weekend, bringing in a whopping $$$ million on its opening night!'
'Absolutely brilliant!' - Ebert & Roeper/'Simply mind-pleasing!' - The NY Times/'A Masterpiece!' -Vanity Fair/'One of the best films in years!' -USA Today/'One of a kind. There's nohting else like it!' - The LA Times.

Everyone will be talking about my movie! Destined to be an Academy-award winning block-buster, my movie guarantees to have it audiences crying, laughing and praying all at the same time. One hundrad and one drma, lust and suspense filled paged of literary bliss. This promises to send it patrons into an emotional frenzy; literally jumping out of their seats with passion and fury by the time the ending credits begin to roll. Set in middle-class America, this depicts domestic violence and revenge in a whole new light...

The husband is the perfect picture of an American dream come true: a young, prominent African American attorney who has risen from humble beginnings. He has it all; a beautify wife, two wonderful children, partner at one of the mots prestigious law firms in the world, drrives a "Black Man Working'; money in his pocket, the respect of his parents, and a chick on the side. Life couldn't be better. But you see, Michael has a little problem. He can't control his anger and he likes to use his wife as an emotional urinal, dumping all of his emotional woes deep into her soul. He's a passionate man. He struggles to maintain his sanity and to keep his family three tiers above where society says they should be.

The wife had a rough upbringing. She watched as her mother got the holy mess beat out of her on a daily basis. At the age of 16, she witnessed the inevitable. She observers her mother become fed up and spills the brains of her drunken, abusive father on the kitchen floor and then turn the gun on herself, dying a couple days later. Now-a-days, she has been a bit out of it. Could it be dejavu? No, he doesn't beat her, 'so to say' on a regular basis and she doesn't have to scrub the floors or work a dead-end job everyday. But she refuses to end up like her mother.

Caught up in a whirlwind of anger, fury and wrath from all of the lies, cheating and the mind games. Denise executes a perfect revenge!

...a silent cry: From the genocide in South Africa to the streets of a very liberated America, the voice of a hurting woman continues to be unheard.

In Rwanda, girls as young as nine and ten are being abducted, used and abused as sex slaves and then ostracized by their own families, thrown away as if they were garbage. And no one cares.

In New York City a young mother finishes turning what she thinks to be her last trick of the evening so that she may return home to feed her three hungry children.

In some suburban utopia, the house wife struggles to hide the bruises. He's all that she's got. She thinks that she owes him. She justifies staying with him by the need of a father for her children, for all that he has done for her. I mean she doesn't have to work...she gets to stay home with her children and raise them without the influence of society (at least, that's what she thinks). What will everyone thing? He's such a good man. She drives a BMW for God's sake. The children attend parochial schools, they attend church every Sunday and bible class every Wedneday. She just needs to stop provoking him, making him angry.

In the mind of that 23 year old secretary, he is going to leave his wife. He bought her a condo and a brand new car. He sees her every week and he keeps her looking good. She can shop any upscale department store that she likes. The wife is the stupid one (so she thinks).

For that 16 year old girl for whom society has told her that she's fat. She lashes out. She is sexy with her double D-cups and a huge rump shaker. She is as pretty as the next girl. So, she takes her clothes off for the first time and takes that never ending spin down the POLE. There's nothing wrong with it, as long as they don't touch. But, then she begins to feel dirty, nasty...like a piece of raw stead during dinner time at the zoo. But she needs the money. She loves wearing her Baby Phat and Roca Wear gear. She's on top of the world. So, when the owner of the club offers her a little something to help ease her mind, she graciously accepts it - selling her soul in the meanwhile.

And what about that thriteen year old foster girl who cries herself to sleep every night, trying to wipe away the visions of her foster father as he has his way with her. Besides, it's her own fault. She did something to make God mad at her. That's why he is allowing all these bad things to happen to her. maybe she should just kill herself so that the pain will stop. So that her heart will stop hurting.

...from every angle...behind a closed door, eyes of darkness lurk out,
signs of loneliness seep through and pleas for help remain unheard...
Make this your next project."

157 Comments:

At 12:16 PM, Blogger jackastral said...

Burn it, send it to hell!

It's been a long time since I've had my mind pleasured. I believe this falls more along the lines of a brain fuck.

 
At 12:24 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

Are you kidding?

So... what exactly is this "blockbuster" about?

And why can't people spell, for the LOVE OF GOD????????

 
At 12:27 PM, Blogger anders3000 said...

I have a head ache now. Gee thanks Empress Guy.

WHY DID YOU WASTE THE PAPER?

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

"my movie guarantees to have it audiences crying, laughing and praying all at the same time"

Could someone please point out the part with all the laughing?

Oh, I see it, it's the orphan girl who gets molested by her foster father and thinks that God hates her. Hahahahahha....hahahahaha... That's priceless!

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger Ministry of Information said...

Picture a man with a perfect life and everything around him turns to gold. Now imagine the vanity of a scriptwriter who spends the first two paragraphs stroking his ego and fails to actually explain the plot. You've just entered The Confusion Zone. Pour gasoline over this guy and use the this script to light him on fire. I'd definitely pay to see that!

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger L. S. Russell said...

my movie guarantees to have it audiences crying, laughing and praying all at the same time.
This is me during sex....

I'm sure I'll love this movie if I can just: hear over all the laughing, see through the tears, and wrap it it quick with god--he always wants to talk during the movie and then has the audacity to ask "what happened?"

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Mermaid known as, Loralei said...

This query sucks. The author, I use the term loosely, needs to get a grip and a spell checker. What an F'n moron! Empress Guy how do you get up in the morning, knowing that you will have to read more drivel like this? YOu should bill the guy for wasting your time, and ours, on this piece of 'ash'.

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Some of the ideas I've read here are stupid, inane ideas, but they're funny.

This just sounds unbelievably horrid. I felt insulted just reading that query. And the fact that the guy who wrote the query doesn't even have the decency to go over his query once for spelling and grammar convinces me the actual script is even worse.

I think this query (especially with the praises by Ebert and his like, and the balls to say this film would be a box office smash that everyone would be talking about and treating like the second coming) is the worst ever posted on this site just in the fact it is so insulting to its reader.

At least I laughed at Zombie Lawyers and time-traveling, Hitler-killing Jewish Guy, and that one about Crabs. This one just repulsed me.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger GobiasInc said...

"He can't control his anger and he likes to use his wife as an emotional urinal"

I hate when that happens. What's even more annoying is when I'm using an emotional urinal, and even though there's plenty of emotional urinals open, a guy has to use the emotional urinal right next to me.

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger penlies said...

I once used this chick as an “emotional” urinal, she was totally into it. Some kinky ladies out there. She also was into thirteen year old foster girls who cry themselves to sleep every night. Man I miss that girl!

 
At 12:47 PM, Blogger L. S. Russell said...

he observers her mother become fed up and spills the brains of her drunken, abusive father on the kitchen floor

Well then she deserved it; brains don't grow on trees you know!

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

Somewhere, I'm sure the late Gene Siskel is happy he is not here to have his name associated with a phony review of a never-to-be-made depressing piece of cinematic horseshit.

 
At 12:52 PM, Blogger Space Shark said...

"Now-a-days, she has been a bit out of it. Could it be dejavu?"

What is dejavu? Is that a black thing? Sounds nasty whatever it is. I wonder if there's a pill she can take for it.

What I find amazing is that the author seems to have no problem with words like "prestigious" but when it comes to words like mots(most), hundrad(hundred), and drma(dramas?) he drops the ball.

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

"He can't control his anger and he likes to use his wife as an emotional urinal, dumping all of his emotional woes deep into her soul."


Ahh, some literary bliss. After reading this query, I feel as if there is a puddle of emotional urine deep in my soul that no ordinary paper towel can reach.

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger GobiasInc said...

So, she takes her clothes off for the first time and takes that never ending spin down the POLE.

"Goddamn she's been on that pole for a long time."

"No shit, I came here to get some tits in my face not see some hussy rotate around a silver pole for two hours."

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Lemme guess... it doesn't end in redemption, then?

Just crying in the dark? As in, "Why the hell'd I pay admission for this painful expose of crap?"

thelastditch.blogspot.com

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger Carl said...

"he likes to use his wife as an emotional urinal, dumping all of his emotional woes deep into her soul"

Who takes a dump in a urinal????? This guy is sick!

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger Windy City Wendy said...

"...like a piece of raw stead during dinner time at the zoo."

Stead. It's what's for dinner.

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger Meg said...

As I wipe away tears of laughter and (evidently) prayer, I will leave you with my favorite lines from this astoundingly awful query. This one beats Sharkos. Sorry it say it, but it does:

"mots prestigious law firms"

"turn the gun on herself, dying a few days later" (Did she actually USE the gun or just turn it towards herself? If it's the latter, how did she die, boredom?)

"drrives a 'Black Man Working'" Not having driven one myself, I will have to check Consumer Reports for reliability reports.

"Rump shaker" This is an excellent name for a band.

"Raw stead" Enough stead, I think.

 
At 1:13 PM, Blogger Carl said...

"In Rwanda, girls as young as nine and ten are being abducted, used and abused as sex slaves and then ostracized by their own families, thrown away as if they were garbage. And no one cares."

If no one cares about it in the real world, who the hell is going to watch it when it becomes a movie?????????

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger but_seriously said...

Take out the first three paragraphs, and I think this was a letter from a charitable organization soliciting donations. Or maybe she lifted the script from a VO for a Save the Children Foundation commercial.

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

"signs of loneliness seep through and pleas for help remain unheard"

Lemme guess...this is a great date movie but only after you've had the lousy sex?

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger Carl said...

'Absolutely brilliant!' - Ebert & Roeper/'Simply mind-pleasing!' - The NY Times/'A Masterpiece!' -Vanity Fair/'One of the best films in years!' -USA Today/'One of a kind. There's nohting else like it!' - The LA Times.


"So fabulous. So true."
--DJ Bob Mould (Boblog)

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger classymac said...

Best. Query. Ever. Squared.

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger Janet Lingel Aldrich said...

"One hundred and one drma ..."

What country's currency is the drma, darn it anyhow? Paging Ken Jennings!

jma

 
At 1:41 PM, Blogger Zoinks said...

That was the worst piece of crap script thing yet. I want to buy the rights to it so I can run over it with my car whenever I feel sad.

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Where's BCPhil when you really need him?

Even HE can't save this one. There's been 26 posts and not a one from our boy!

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Nope, still gobsmacked.

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger frzx said...

Well, with writing like this, how could this drma not send it audiences and it patrons into an emotional frenzy?

I think the author has some issue with people who drrive BMWs though.

Now... can someone please direct me to the emotional urinal?

 
At 2:11 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Why is half the query in italics?

I wish I had a beautify wife.

I'm laughing at this pathetic query, crying for the author, and praying this crap never gets made.

Yes, I'm sure the audience would be "literally jumping out of their seats with passion and fury by the time the ending credits begin to roll" -- and heading straight back to the ticket counter to demand their money back.

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger KikiO said...

Wha-? WHA-?

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger Carter said...

Well, I've never read a drma filled script, I think this query is full of it.

"turn the gun on herself, dying a few days later"

I bet she did feel out of it for a while. Killing myself almost always makes me feel bad. Speaking of which, this query makes me think that now is a good time...

 
At 2:51 PM, Blogger James said...

Pretentious cinematic poop...

I think the scriptwriter needs to go avail his ass at the emotional urinal.

 
At 2:51 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

"maybe she should just kill herself so that the pain will stop" ... funny, that's exactly what I was thinking when I was reading this query.

 
At 3:01 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

Well I think this is a *great* script. Actresses are always complaining about the lack of female roles in Hollywood, and here in one movie we have parts for two abused wives, a hooker mom, a mistress, a teenage stripper/drug addict, a 13 year-old abuse victim, and who knows how many Rwandan child sex slaves. Clearly, it's the Girl Power movie of the year!

As an aside, I'm sure the screenwriter can't actually spell "misogyny," but perhaps he should look it up in the dictionary. Right before he doubles up on those Prozac capsules.

 
At 5:37 PM, Blogger Greta Garbled said...

You may say to yourself, "This is not my beautify house."
You may say to yourself, "This is not my beautify wife ..."

jmacleve: Maybe it's short for drachmas?

 
At 7:45 PM, Blogger gypsycamptrash said...

What is a drma and why in the hell are there and hundrad and one of them?

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger PJ McIlvaine said...

Honestly, after I read this query, I felt like burning my Final Draft. How could I ever hope to top this masterpiece?

 
At 10:25 PM, Blogger crazed_writer said...

Why is he so angry? He's Angry Black Man©. He is joined by Prostitute With Heart Of Gold©, Naieve Mistress©, Teenage Stripper©, Abused Teen© and Abused Woman© in this Tale For All Ages©.

This would only work if it had Fat White Idiot© as a hanger-on.

 
At 4:05 AM, Blogger Phillip said...

No, the Fat White Idiot© is just a small part, probably a culturally insensitive neighbor or something. He's the Comic Relief©!!

 
At 4:34 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

How about we follow BCPhil's lead and turn it into a musical? I'm sure Whitney Houston's available, for starters

 
At 5:37 AM, Blogger Annoynimus said...

"This falls more along the lines of a brain fuck" - Ebert & Roeper / "Are you kidding?" - The NY Times / "Why did you waste the paper?" -Vanity Fair / "Pour gasoline over this guy!" -USA Today / "What an F'n moron!" - The LA Times.

 
At 6:32 AM, Blogger buster said...

Does the emotional urinal have emotional urinal cakes?

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

Man, think of the product placement revenue from BMW. They'll just be itching to to have their fine automobiles featured as the car of choice of Abusive Socially Striving Black Men and Suburban Battered Women.

I can even see their new image ads:

"He can't be a bastard. He bought me a Beemer."

 
At 7:39 AM, Blogger LC Sulla said...

y'know... it's a shame we don't boil people in oil anymore...

 
At 7:46 AM, Blogger LC Sulla said...

I once tried to ride a "Black Man Working". It suddenly turned into a "Black Man Beating the Shit Out Of Me".

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

Er, so what happens? Do the Rwandan sex slaves and the chunky stripper and the molested foster child and the mistress band together with the battered wife and solve crimes? Rob banks? Put together an elaborate plot to humiliate and degrade the violent husband and give him swirlies in the emotional toilet?

Do hijinks ensue? Does anyone travel back through time to kill Hitler?

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger Evil Timmy said...

I'll bet that the LIFETIME network in falling all over themselves to get their mitts on this one. They LOVE doing movies "for women." But only if the women are getting the Holy Hell knocked out of them. I think they might request that he add a mousey woman who is stalked and brutally murdered by her ex-boyfriend.

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger jennybunny said...

what is most distubing about this is that it has the veneer of a battered-woman-triumphs-over-adversity story, but really, it's just perpetuating so many negative stereotypes...

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger jennybunny said...

How about we follow BCPhil's lead and turn it into a musical? I'm sure Whitney Houston's available, for starters ...

Yes, and it shall be called "Waiting to Bitchslap"

 
At 11:02 AM, Blogger Hinelasia said...

Suggestions:

Is the "perfect picture of an American dream come true" guilty of DWB his BMW?

Seven Windows Chick is perfect for the role of mistress who sticks around 'cause he keeps her looking good. A jewelry slut would bring just the right kind superficiality to the role.

It would help if this emotional urinal of a query contained some sort of a plot.

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Could it be like MSNBC?

DWBMW?

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger troof said...

I read this 14 times, all the way through, and each time I read it, I liked it more--

Mainly because it made me feel better about myself, like a good episode of Cops or Jerry Springer. The whole time I'm reading, thinking, "Man, it could be worse. I could be THIS guy, making up a crap query and sending it out all over town..."

I'd never call myself a genius, but keep up the good work stupid people! My self-confidence is growing infinitely!

 
At 6:25 PM, Blogger KikiO said...

So Manager Guy and The Empress have now merged into one entity called Empress Guy? Is that sort of like Bennifer?

 
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Interesting....

 
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