Monday, March 07, 2005

This will win more Oscars that LOTR:ROTK, I can just tell from this query!

Paladin, as a concept, means an extremely noble, heroic and religious knight - the symbol of all that is right and true. As such, he has high ideals that he MUST maintain at all times. This epic screenplay itself is a careful mixture of medieval adventure, chivalry, religion, fantasy, divinity and the supernatural - not to mention the "must-haves" of romance and action. If you liked Lord of the Rings, Gladiator or Troy, then you are going to love this. I am a foreign writer, and have just completed the task of turning one of my long-term ideas into a screenplay. I have been writing and telling stories throughout my 30-years and I especially excel in the fields of fantasy and medievalism. Here in my country we have very few opportunities to make decent films, so the kind of script that I have in my hands, is virtually impossible to do in our movie-making business. Rest assured that I have considered all basic issues such as American standard and guidelines for producing a blockbuster film. This script can, and should, be made into a film ONLY in America, the great home of cinema.

You know, I got the fratboy query this morning as well, but ManagerGuy beat me to the punch. So, I present something from the archives for your entertainment.

161 Comments:

At 11:02 AM, Blogger evilzorac said...

"not to mention the "must-haves" of romance and action"

I always thought the must haves were T & A, explosions, and a wise cracking sidekick?

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger Bittyeight said...

It can (and should) only be made in America?

Would it be a deal breaker if they wanted to shoot it in New Zealand?

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger Carl said...

Well, sure, it sounds great, but can you get Jeff Goldblum to do it???

 
At 11:35 AM, Blogger Ministry of Information said...

So let me get this straight. If I like great movies, I will DEFINITELY like this one. At least this guy clearly understands that kissing ass will get him everywhere in the 'great home of cinema'. One small question. Is there a story? I love the idea of presenting your own review before presenting the story. It's so Hollow-wood...

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger anders3000 said...

.....And foreign to sending in a good pitch.

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger zhiebies said...

"As such, he has high ideals that he MUST maintain at all times."

or else he self-implodes...

I'd watch that!

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Well, it'll win at least as many Oscars as Ralph Bakshi's The Lord of the Rings, anyway.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger PeteTDX said...

Your 30 years of writing and storytelling have been a total and complete, utter waste.

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

I'd comment but that would mean it held my interest after "Paladin, as a concept..." Paladin is a noun you pretension hack.

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger nihilator said...

Paladin, as a concept, means an extremely noble, heroic and religious knight... as a CONCEPT, yes -- but, in THEORY communism works. in PRACTICE, "Paladin" turns out to be a money-grubbing, unoriginal, cash-in-on-latest-trend hack.

 
At 1:10 PM, Blogger RogerRmjet said...

"Here in my country we have very few opportunities to make decent films..."

Looks like another one just bit the dust.

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger katwoman79 said...

"This epic screenplay itself is a careful mixture of medieval adventure, chivalry, religion, fantasy, divinity and the supernatural - not to mention the "must-haves" of romance and action."

-2 cups of medieval adventure
-3 1/2 cups of chivalry
-2 tsp of religion/fantasy
-A dash of divinity and the supernatural to taste.
-And the Piece de Resistance, a pinch of romance and a heaping spoonful of action.

Bake in the oven at 350 for about 25 min. What you will get at the end of the 25 min. ...a big ole pile or shite! My lord..I probably put more thought into creating this culinary masterpiece than the friggin' query writer did. oi vey! What would Martha say! ;)

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger Meg said...

I think if we combine this one with the colonizing Frat Boys and throw in some horny elves we might just have something.

What the hell country is he from anyway? Somewhere the perhaps needs to be invaded by the missionary frat boys? Exchange your saris and burkas for white hats worn backwards...

 
At 3:45 PM, Blogger John said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 4:29 PM, Blogger bicoastalguy said...

So, I thought Richard Boone was dead, or maybe he's just fast asleep. Don't wake him for this opportunity. If this guy has been writing and telling stories for 30 years, and this is the crowning achievement, tell him not to give up his day job, which is probably driving a delapidated bus on mountain roads with live animls strapped on top.

 
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At 7:13 PM, Blogger Chris Naron said...

Well, if the screenplay is epic, I gotta see the movie!

 
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At 8:40 PM, Blogger Hunter said...

Can anybody tell me why the author feels the uncontrollable urge to include his/her fucking life story in the query?

 
At 12:35 AM, Blogger BCPhil said...

First and foremost, my new favourite word is "medievalism".
Now onto the script. What a sad thing that fellows like this in foreign countries are creatively blocked, and great projects like this might never be realized.

For many years I have shopped around my treatment of a similar type movie, it is Krull 2; Xtreme Black Forrest.
I have been in talks with Ken Marshall and he is extremely receptive to this idea, as is Lysette Anthony. With the right supporting cast, Randy Quaid as the son of Rell the Cyclops (from the original), this piece could work very well. I also like taking a modern MTVish take on the series by taking Krull to the Xtreme! This time around Prince Colwyn has multiple Glaives (the frisbee with Blades weapon he used through the original) and uses them without prejudice. He also has his son be his side as they hack and chop there way through new CGI villains such as Trees who come to life, Mud People, and a futuristic nazi type force.
The movie could work as a PG-13, but I would prefer to see it as an R rated feature with plenty of hardcore xtreme action and a little sex thrown in here and there to keep the movie visually effective in an artsy type way.
The coup de grace would be the end battle which would see Prince Colwyn and his son traveling to a neighbouring planet to do war with it's race of super intelligent sharks.

 
At 12:39 AM, Blogger MDS said...

"Paladin is a noun you pretension hack."

So is pretension. ;)

"Can anybody tell me why the author feels the uncontrollable urge to include his/her fucking life story in the query?"

Because he had no actual script story to include?

I have to wonder what country the writer is from to, as almost any country BUT America is the place to make films. Half the shit at Blockbuster was made in Bulgaria (and half of them involve Megalodon sharks, too, but nevermind).

Even if an American company got it, to make a medieval-era film they'd be heading off to Britain or at least Canada.

Okay, totally overthinking this. I better stop before my head asplode.

 
At 12:50 AM, Blogger MDS said...

Oh my God. The post just above the one I made earlier deserves its own separate comment thread.

"What a sad thing that fellows like this in foreign countries are creatively blocked, and great projects like this might never be realized."

What "great project"? The guy didn't go into a single specific detail besides the fact that the script in some way involves a Paladin. Don't get me wrong, I love fantasy. Just the fact that this screenplay obviously wants to be one would tempt me to request it. But there's absolutely no information about the story besides the typical laundry list/recipe formula that anyone could slap together.

As for the rest of what became a query of your own...All I can say is, try talking to the people who could actually greenlight a movie today instead of aging has-been actors.

And having original ideas instead of proposing sequels to films made 22 years ago.

And having a story instead of just a list of weapons and enemies.

And not using the "word" "Xtreme".

And...oh hell, I'm not letting anyone else have any fun. Someone else have a go!

 
At 2:41 AM, Blogger Ministry of Information said...

OK Dorkman, I'll take the bait. BCPhil - "Xtreme Krull"? That's like Power Line Dancing. I somehow doubt that Krull and artsy mix well together. You've tried to make light of your 'pitch' and throw in the sharks at the end but too little too late. The name-dropping is a bit sad as well. I think LOTR has opened some unfortunate doors similar to the door that Gladiator opened for crap culminating in Alexander. Please go back to your Black Forrest and take this idea with you. I may even send this one in on your behalf so you can get the full treatment!

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger Annoynimus said...

And since when is religion "right and true"?

 
At 7:13 AM, Blogger anders3000 said...

Well Phil, I suppose you could try sending in you treatment to Martha Stewart (name dropping). She could probably turn it into a blockbuster epic dessert: Xtreme Black Forrest Cake.
But if the dream must be realized I would recommend changing the name just a little. Call it : Krull 19 : Too Extreme Black Forrest. The “19” would give it a bit more credibility.
Good luck shopping around. Hey with the way Hollywood is remaking things you might have a chance. Although I still think it would make a better dessert.

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger Finster said...

Uwe Boll strikes again!

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger Yowza wowza said...

"Paladin is a noun you pretension hack."

Ya think he's been watching obscure TV reruns and is thinking of the character Paladin from the 60's?

 
At 10:52 PM, Blogger jb68 said...

Yes, I do believe you excel in the field of fantasy. Particularly in the fantasy that this will ever get produced.

 
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