Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Ghost dog!

"Gramps was sure that the black and tan pup was crushed to death beneath the heavy wheels of the tractor. After the accident, all Gramps and Gumbo could do was stand back and watch as Moonshine’s eyes flushed with tears while he bid farewell to his little friend… but for reasons unknown, the little pup came back to life at Moonshine’s gentle touch."

219 Comments:

At 11:03 AM, Blogger Carl said...

Who the hell names someone Moonshine??? Gramps must be a heavvvvvy drinker.

At least we can be pretty sure of how the tractor drove onto the pup. Gulg, glug, glug.

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger The Bookhouse Boy said...

Gramps? Gumbo? Moonshine? These are the people? What the hell is the dog's name?

Based on this site, seriously bad names are the canaries in the mine shaft of writing, warning us all of the bad fumes coming our way.

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

"...but for reasons unknown, the little pup came back to life at Moonshine’s gentle touch."

...and a little bit of Moonshine's homemade Jesus Juice if ya know what I mean.

I can see the direction right now "Props, can we get more puppy intestines next to the double-wide?"

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

All's I'm saying is that Gramps and Gumbo both better sleep with one eye open once Moonshine discovers that Smooshy, the black and tan puppy, didn't have the dexterity to tie himself up in that burlap bag...

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger sharpie said...

Now we know who was hording all the moonshine!

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

The dog's name is Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger slimbones said...

Question--

So how do legitimate scripts get chosen out of all this crap? I mean, if you take some plot summaries from movies that were made and were successful, a lot of them sound just as ridiculous as ones posted here- for example, here are some plot summaries as listed on IMDB-

ET- A group of Earth children help a stranded alien botanist return home.

Indiana Jones- Renowned archeologist and expert in the occult, Dr. Indiana Jones, is hired by the U.S. Government to find the Ark of the Covenant, which is believed to still hold the ten commandments. Unfortunately, agents of Hitler are also after the Ark. Indy, and his ex-flame Marion, escape from various close scrapes in a quest that takes them from Nepal to Cairo.

I mean, give me a break- Alien botanists and a renowned expert in the occult battling agents of Hitler for the Ark of the Covenant? These synopses would be torn to shreds on this site. How can one tell what could actually be a good movie?

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger katwoman79 said...

and who the hell is "Gumbo"??

Gramps, Gumbo and Moonshine..I mean..the guy has got a feast goin' with his cast of characters. Nothin' goes better with gumbo than moonshine, let me tell ya!

 
At 12:06 PM, Blogger katwoman79 said...

Pet cemetary 2 with a Disney twist..how quaint ;)

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Slimbones, those loglines are pretty weak.

If I had to write a logline for E.T., it would probably go like this:

"An alien nudist becomes stranded on Earth and must seduce several children in order to leave this primitive rock before it kills him."

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger Bet said...

I've had some moonshine that would raise the dead....

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger slimbones said...

"An alien nudist becomes stranded on Earth and must seduce several children in order to leave this primitive rock before it kills him."

Starring Michael Jackson. No makeup or costumes needed.

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger Windy City Wendy said...

Slimbones, just do what we people in this business do. Here's a mantra that may help.

"Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to read and die (a little bit on the inside)"

 
At 1:57 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Slimbones: I've been thinking the same thing while reading here. I mean, you could write a query for Lord of the Rings that goes like this:

"A midget and his gardener must trek across their world to throw an evil gold ring into a volcano, thereby destroying the spirit of an ancient tyrant bent on returning. There's lots of trolls and goblins. I am a New Zealand filmmaker specializing in gory low-budget horror films, and this story is based on a book written by an Oxford linguistics professor. We're looking for $300 million to make a trilogy of films all at once. This will make billions and win a bunch of Oscars!!!"

I think the fact is, IF you can truly write a good script, then you'd be able to write a query just as compelling. The people doing the loglines on IMDB aren't (I assume) the ones who wrote the ones that got the money. But it is fascinating to think of how ridiculous some of the best stories can sound when summarized poorly.

 
At 3:02 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Slimbones, that logline also works pretty well for Moonwalker, so yeah.

 
At 5:42 PM, Blogger shaunoftheliving said...

Does Moonshine later walk "The Green Mile?"

Yes?

Along the way, does he touch the crotches of Gramps and Gumbo and cure them of their syphilis?

Can you get an STD from reading this script?

 
At 5:59 PM, Blogger A Legend Among Whispers said...

I'm guessing that these horrid names weren't the only thing that killed this query. After all, the basic premise of a boy with unknown powers being raised by grandparents does have some potential if it's done properly.

Of course if left to this writer, little Moonshine, a legend among whispers, would travel back in time to kill Hitler, only to find that his twin brother is being raised by a prostitute with a fatherly pimp. Seems there were some hospital hi-jinks that caused them to be separated at birth...

 
At 2:35 AM, Blogger Kargokultti said...

Author of the ET script is Harrison Ford's ex. Mathison > Ford > Lucas > Spielberg.

From what I understand, Indy was a pet project of Lucas' and Spielberg's.

LOTR was a really famous book.

Just a few fine distinctions between the crap that gets made and the crap that doesn't. (And then there's the fact that the crap that doesn't get made is real _crap_ not just something you object to because it's gotten too popular.)

 
At 6:17 AM, Blogger RogerRmjet said...

ET was actually based on an idea by Spielberg. Screenwriter Melissa Mathison met Harrison Ford through Spielberg. They weren't yet married when ET was made. Mathison was selected due to her work on The Black Stallion, which had a similar concept (child's relationship with an animal). She was recommended by Lucas and Spielberg pal Francis Ford Coppola, who was executive producer of The Black Stallion. It's all in who you know.

 
At 6:43 AM, Blogger Gotham Cowboy said...

Teenaged runaway and dog kill old mystical woman for her shoes. She recruits three other misfits to help her kill the woman's sister.

 
At 6:46 AM, Blogger Ministry of Information said...

It's all in the writing and presentation. I've seen some ideas on this site that are not bad but the presentation lacked. Someone could learn a lot from reading all these responses to remove flaws. Any serious plotline is destroyed by such Gramps, Gumbo and Moonshine. I'll bet most of the regular contributors on this site could make this a much better pitch in less than 10 minutes.

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger Ministry of Information said...

but sex or blackmail is always the best way to be taken seriously.

 
At 7:37 AM, Blogger anders3000 said...

I must agree that a compeling synopsis will make all the difference. This one is probably targeted for Disney and not Wes Craven but one cannot tell. For all anyone knows Moonshine might be the name Gramps gave the alien midget donkey baby accidently left by its parents when they were forced to flee from the time travelers trying to kill Hitler. Moonshine brings back to life everything Gramps kills with the tractor. For reasons unknown no one can get Gramps to an AA meeting. . . .until now.

Since it doesn't mention that we get to poke fun at it.

 
At 8:49 AM, Blogger RogerRmjet said...

I really like this exercise in writing bad queries for great movies.

A beautiful young co-ed, sleeping with a married guy steals from her boss and runs away to Arizona and then she gets killed by a crazy guy, at a motel. The crazy guy has thing thing going with his mom and has to kill lots of other people, too, because his mom tells him, only she's not really alive. Great opportunity, to show lots of blood and a hot shower scene. This will make, a LOT of money!

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger RogerRmjet said...

A girl boxer teams up with an crusty old trainer to realize her dream of going the distance.

 
At 6:07 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

More bad queries:

"Everyone lives, inside a computer, enslaved by the Machines, but some don't, and they fight against the Machines, and they get this one guy, Neo, out of the Computer, so he can learn kung-fu and fight against the evil Machinies!"

"In the future, a mining ship's return to Earth is interrupted when they find and evil alien who kills everybody except for one person who gets away at the end. Oh, and one of the people turns out to be a secret robot!"

 
At 9:47 PM, Blogger Sidhedevil said...

Ooh, ooh, I want to play.

"A rich man dies, and the emptiness of his life is reviewed. Flexible about the nudity!"

"A man's life is changed forever when his ex-girlfriend returns--with her HUSBAND! Fortunately, the local chief of police is there to catch him when he falls."

"A girl's whirlwind trip turns into a pickle, as she and her diverse gang make their way through a maze of bureaucracy to have their requests granted by a bald guy."

 
At 1:43 AM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 1:44 AM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

"An android killer is forced out of retirement to kill more androids, but is he an android himself?"

"A millionaire dresses up like a bat to fight another guy dressed up like a clown, and he has this really cool car."

"The life of Howard Hughes. The life of Howard Hughes. The life of Howard Hughes. Ahem, the life of Howard Hughes..."

 
At 1:44 AM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:19 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

"Everyone lives, inside a computer, enslaved by the Machines, but some don't, and they fight against the Machines, and they get this one guy, Neo, out of the Computer, so he can learn kung-fu and fight against the evil Machinies!"

Oddly, this is the one query that is actually better than the movie.

 
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A disturbed teenager in 1988 starts to behave strangely. What could a giant rabbit, an old woman, a creepy motivational speaker and the boy's sister's dance troupe 'Sparklemotion' have to do with it?

A middle-aged man develops an infatuation with the beautiful friend of his teenage daughter, buys a car, gets a job at a burger bar and starts to live a whole new life!

Somewhere in Japan, teenagers are dying mysterious and horrible deaths. Is it an urban legend, or could it be true that a video is putting a deadly curse on all who view it?

This is just too easy, isn't it?

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger elfo said...

"Gramps was sure that the black and tan pup was crushed to death beneath the heavy wheels of the tractor."

...and Gramps made sure that they STAYED DEAD! BITCHES!

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

I just realized something. Maybe it's like The Sixth Sense in that at the end of the film, we find out that Gramps, Gumbo, and Moonshine were dogs all along!

 
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