Slut.

"LOGLINE: Following a mishap during laser eye surgery, a woman finds she is empowered with the ability to kill with a mere glance."

Now I've heard everything.

"An African-American professor and a beautiful Polynesian oceanographer struggle to halt the deadly invasion of 200-foot-long, mutant yellow-bellied sea snakes slithering through L.A.'s sewers and storm drains."

What an original title!

"Why can't they be counted among the Beautiful People? My proposed feature/with series potential, entitled Fade Out, portrays the disabled as more illustrious characters in a story played out against the backdrop of the Hollywood arena. "

YES!!!

"LOGLINE: Remember the olden days, when good and evil clashed and gods and goddesses walked the earth? Well, they're back...And they brought their own soundtrack!"

Well of course it's a drama.

"RUNNING THE RED: A computer genius convinces the mayor to implement an automatic fine of taxi drivers for every red light they run. The program is a disaster, there is chaos in the streets, and the computer genius becomes Public Enemy #1. Led by a Mexican bull trainer, cabbies hunt down and take their vengeance upon the computer genius. Negotiations ensue and the city is restored to peace, almost. (Drama)"

Can we get Stifler in this?

"A sexually active choirboy at Bob Jones University spreads an ungodly STD to the entire student body during finals week.

CRABS! is a story about teen love, teen sex, and all the teeny creatures in between.

Genre: Comedy/Satire

CRABS! is a teen-spirited satire about a religious university overrun by an unstoppable STD. The main character is Chris, a choirboy whose blossoming libido makes him the epicenter of an unnatural phenomenon. The steroids he takes to strengthen his angelic voice embolden a rag-tag army of Crabs lodging in his underpants to visions of world conquest. Hidden and forbidden sexual needs are exposed on campus as Super Crabs effortlessly blitzkrieg the faithful. When Chris's exchange student girlfriend is targeted as Pubic Enemy #1, Chris must choose between his singing career and his responsibility to her reputation. Either way, Crabs is an infectious comedy everyone's going to get in the end."

Junk Mail

"Four Homeland Security agents desperately attempt to decode clues to a series of plots contained in five junk e-mail ads. All of them are filled with cryptic occult references that suggest unprecedented weapons of massdestruction."

I can see it now: "FREE overthrow PENIS the ENLARGMENT! government"

Who will trade places with this writer?

"The screenplay would be be best described as a mix between Drama, Horror, and Suspense. Race car driver Jake Spillane flirts with death everyday, until one day he actually meets Death and is offered a choice: trade places with Death for 24 hours or die instantly. With that choice being no choice, Jake embarks on a journey that will challenge every belief he ever had on death, dying, and the afterlife."

God-awful

"Three girls from Long Island, resident at a Jerusalem university, are convinced by a 'divine revelation' that they can bring peace to the Middle East and the world, by replacing male controlled political parties with women only parties. "

Here's a cheap one...

"LOGLINE: A family of misfits with cloaking technology battle zombies and a secret government agency that wants to enslave them.

SYNOPSIS: In 2016 a virus infects the world, turning masses of people into undead cannibals. Sixty-five years later, Josie, her twelve-year-old daughter, Elizabeth, and seven others take residence atop a metropolitan high rise. With the use of a cloaking device, they manage to elude the undead as well as their newest foe, the soldiers of Embryon. The more they come in contact with these soldiers, the more Embryon's secrets unfold."

I'm sick of you.

"Aren't you sick of predictable detective movies when you know the bad guy is going to go down? That is why I wrote the INVISIBLE KILLER. Set in Manchester, New Hampshire, in 2025. It's about two twins brothers, whom the police think is one serial killer. They are self-made millionaires and out for vengeance. Unique? You better believe it."

Life's too short for this crap.

"Three 'terrorists' break into a Century City skyscraper from the high outside glass windows. We see that they steal tiny little darts. What are they? The terrorists climb higher in order to break into a second office. Ambushed by a well-dressed CEO and his security staff, one 'terrorist' dies. We see that one of the 'terrorists' is a woman, but we don't see her face. The survivors acknowledge the death of a third named "Avi". Who are they? Who do they work for?..."

Why can't this happen to me?

"We have just polished our latest script SAVAGE, an action adventure about two men who crash on an uncharted island inhabited by a lost tribe of Amazon women that mate with men, then kill them. The men must get off the island before the breeding cycle is over. "

Friday Fun!

Yes, I know this isn't a query letter, but let's have some Friday fun. I want to see how fast one of the studios out there picks up this story and turns it into an Adam Sander vehicle.

From today's CNN.COM:

"Stranger moves in, redecorates while woman's on vacation

Friday, October 22, 2004 Posted: 4:10 PM EDT (2010 GMT)

DOUGLASVILLE, Georgia (AP) -- A woman came home from vacation to find a stranger living there, wearing her clothes, changing utilities into her name and even ripping out carpet and repainting a room she didn't like, authorities said.

Douglas County authorities say they can't explain why Beverly Valentine, 54, broke into an empty home and started acting like it was her own.

During the 21/2 weeks the owner, Beverly Mitchell, was on vacation in Greece, Valentine allegedly redecorated the ranch home, ripping up carpet and taking down the owner's pictures and replacing them with her own.

Mitchell was a complete unknown to Valentine, said Chief Sheriff's Deputy Stan Copeland. He said he had no idea how Valentine knew Mitchell was gone.

"In 28 years, I've never seen something this strange," Copeland said.

Valentine was being held in Douglas County Jail on a $25,000 bond, Copeland said. If convicted, she could face one to 20 years in prison. Copeland said Friday that he believed Valentine did not have a lawyer.

The case came to light when Mitchell, who lived alone, returned home October 4 to find the lights on and a strange car parked in the driveway. Mitchell called police, who went in and found Valentine, who at first pretended she was renting the home.

Later, Copeland said, she admitted she broke into the house with a shovel and was squatting there. She was charged with burglary.

Authorities found a gun and $23,000 worth of Mitchell's jewelry in Valentine's car.
Valentine had the electricity switched over to her name and moved in a washer and dryer and her dog.

Copeland said she was even wearing some of Mitchell's clothes.

"There's a lot of people saying, 'What?"' Copeland said.

Valentine was asked what to do with the washer and dryer she moved in, and Valentine said she didn't care, so police will leave it up to Mitchell what to do with them, Copeland said."

Two for Thursday

"Freebird"

Logline: A recovering drug addict tells stories to her young son about a family of egrets living in a field outside of their trailer. These animations reveal her experiences as a Southern rock music groupie, and help the boy understand his relationship to a deceased rock and roll legend.

"Emmanuel"

Logline: A new science reveals mankind's historic inhumanity during NASA's Mission Epimetheus. Ultimately the Mission and crew are saved by the sacrifice of its captain.

Write what you know?

"LOGLINE: Struggling against suicidal urges as her marriage unravels, an artistic, eccentric young mother writes to save her life."


Yeah.

So i wanna represent you for sure....crazy lady.

Can someone please explain this to me?

"Log Line: A group of college guys are throwing a party on Halloween in their old neighborhood while a European terrorist cell's detonator files on a zip drive ends up at the party in a bottle of granulated onion. Unbeknownst to the college guys, the terrorist cell crashes the party in costume to retrieve the drive, and good and evil collide."

So hello to my little query...

"Scarface the Saga Continues is the story of the son of infamous Tony Montana. It turns out that Elvira Montana was pregnant and she and Tony had a son, Marco Antonio Montana. Elvira being Tony's wife at the time of his death was able to keep a large portion of his fortune, with the help of Jerry the Banker at Florida Security Trust. This allows many opportunities for Marco as we see his "golden boy" image fall into the underworld of drugs, glitz, and power after he realizes who is father was.This story not only has all of the Drama, Excitement and Plot twist of the original Scarface. It also has the smooth, high-gloss elegance of Miami's nightlife and the fantasy lifestyles of the rich, famous, and beautiful people. Combine these elements with Cocaine Cartels the Mafia, F.B.I and lifestyles of the rich & famous, with deception, action, romance, intrigue and a positive message and this movie is sure to attack an audience large and wide. This story has it all!"

Come'on Joe Roth!

Now normally this blog just contains query letters...but every once in a while I'll read about something that is actually set up and I just HAVE to comment on it.

Check out this gem that was in the trades today. From the geniuses who brought you WHITE CHICKS:

"A man anxious to be a father mistakes an extremely short-statured, baby-faced criminal on the run as his newly adopted son. "

Wasn't this the plot of a Bugs Bunny cartoon?

Shoot me.

"Log line: The story is about people's DREAM for the future. Location -- galaxy, Earth, Beverly Hills. Aliens are after Mary and try to kill her because of secret about our galaxy. There's a plenty of action and a few romances between young people."

And chaos ensues...

"LOGLINE: Chuck would never have thought of going into politics if the aliens hadn't inflated his cat and sent him on a picnic with Marilyn Monroe."

So what happens when they do it?

"When Wheeler loses the only woman he'll ever love by doing something seemingly unforgivable, he reinvents himself as a stranger who happens to be her perfect man, to win her back. He can't afford cosmetic surgery, so he finds clever ways to change his look, his walk, his talk, his dance style, even the way he kisses--transforming himself from guitar player to Wall Street player. His strategy works so well, his girlfriend doesn't even have a clue it's the same guy!"


My thanks to J for this one.

What if you went back to working at 7-11?

"WHAT IF THE PERSON BEING STALKED WAS MORE DANGEROUS THAN THE STALKER?

What if you took the most thrilling aspects of "Fatal Attraction" and "Psycho" and combined them? What if you found out in "Fatal Attraction" that Michael Douglas was crazier and more dangerous than Glenn Close?"


Well, then the story wouldn't make much sense would it?

Michael Douglas wouldn't have the hot Ann Archerd as his wife. He wouldn't care if Glenn Close told people about their affair....In fact, he probably would have sank her to the bottom of the Hudson as soon as she started to wig out. The movie would be one-and-a-half acts long and would end 35 minutes in when Douglas kills her and then happily goes home to watch the ALCS. Thoughts?

Tim Allen is...!

"Santa's son breaks racial, religious, and socio-economic stereotypes in this Holiday charmer. Christopher Claus must choose between his family's legacy by accepting a pre-arranged marriage to the Halloween Witch's daughter, or be disinherited by marrying the Tooth Fairy's daughter, who is not a Holiday Person, for true love. Help comes his way via his two best pals, Hannukah Hal, a Jewish mensch, and Kenny Kwanzaa, an African-American prince."

Eh?

"Three members of the Earth Liberation Front, wanting to send a message to the U.S. Congress, blow a hole in the Alaskan oil pipeline and escape to Canada by kidnapping a bush pilot and commandeering his airplane."

Do they have Bush pilots in Canada?

Queries like this make me so happy.

"Bitty had always been a strange sister, so when Lore met Bitty's fairy godmother for the upcoming ball, she didn't think much of it. Sure, the fairy godmother was mean and drank scotch, but then again, Bitty was a personal injury lawyer, so allowances had to be made about her mental stability.

After refusing to go the ball and disgust the prince with her appearance, Lore wakes to find her roommate dead and Bitty still thirsty for blood. With the first strike of midnight, Bitty's gone and Lore's bleeding. Kill or be killed, the ghosts finally convince her. Armed with only her shoes, Lore has to survive the ball, ignore the prince, and kill her sister to stay alive.

Nicer than the ghosts in The Sixth Sense, more honest than Cinderella, and bloody as Scream's little sister, The Hatchet Fairy is a fairy tale willing to bleed its way to the ball.

I would love the chance to send you a copy of The Hatchet Fairy. "

Beware the Pizzaman!

This one comes to us from a reader...Rogue Pictures, you should make this NOW.


"I was given a script a few years back entitled PIZZAMAN. The plot consisted of a bitter 50 year old pizzaman who was never able to quit the job he started as a teenager. So to take his revenge on a cold and heartless world, he hacks people apart with a pizza slicer. Oh, and he bakes a couple of them in a pizza oven. Oh, and I think someone might get stuffed to death with anchovies. Bizarrely it was pitched as a London based Rom-com. (the pizzaguy meets a woman he doesn't want to kill and she convinces him to quit his job. He ends up manager of the pizza place. Their lovechild grows up to become the new delivery boy. And of course he goes around slicing and baking people too. The cycle of abuse is a tragic thing.)"

Huh?

"A young forest faerie's irresponsibility with his tail and his obsession with humans get his girlfriend captured by a madman determined to destroy the forest and its animals."

Clockstoppers.

"Logline: The next second can change your life. A man wakes up and kills himself. The time turns back and this time he doesn't kill himself and goes about his job, solving a bank robbery, when his own brother kills him. The time turns back again and this time he goes about his job in a different way and falls in love. But, will it matter?"

No. It won't.

Flame out

"Sometimes the search for love can last a lifetime...sometimes longer.

Genre: Drama / Romance

When the same soul manifests in two separate physical bodies, it's known as a twin flame. Destined to only ever meet twice, the last time signals their final incarnation."

Who IS this person?

Harrison Ford's latest?

"The President of the United States is held hostage by terrorists in Afghanistan, after his plane crashes in the Tora Bora Mountains. The terrorists also have obtained a portable nuclear device from the Russian Mafia, which has been smuggled into Washington DC, that they are using along with the President to make certain demands. A CIA agent in disguise, a patriotic MIDDLE EASTERN American, will attempt to penetrate the terrorist organization, rescue the president, stop the nuclear device from being detonated, and thwart the terrorists' evil plans."

Okay, this script has got to be like 200 pages long.

Coco Puffs

"When a disgruntled cocoa futures trader forgets to close out some contracts, his boss sends him to take delivery of the goods in Africa, where he finds himself caught in the middle of a civil war and a personal struggle to find happiness."

I'm angry now.

"It is Superbowl Sunday when the Rosaro siblings are summoned to the hospital to appease their perpetually dying mother. Their father insists they are all living in denial, but they swear she's not dying, just vicious, as she drags out her deathbed on all major holidays. "

There's only 46 words in the above pitch.

How can it be so confusing? Why does it make no sense whatsoever? Who let this person near a fucking computer?

Magically Delicious.

"SPAGHETTI KID is a coming-of-age story about a 15 year old loner who dreams of becoming a professional wrestler. One day he discovers a magic breakfast cereal that gives him the super-strength to actually become a pro wrestler. He becomes the sport's greatest sensation until his devious manager steals his magic secret, then bets against him in the death-defying steel cage match against the biggest, meanest wrestler ever. "

V.O.

"A voice over artist changes his name and unknowingly picks that of a wanted murderer.

Genre: Comedy

A Voice Over artist has just changed his name to P.J. Anderson so as to become more marketable. Almost immediately he lands his first major gig, doing voice over work for a recently murdered Hollywood star. "

Will they show commercials?

"Everyone loves seeing someone make it big in Hollywood. American Idol has shown this year after year. While AI covers an aspect of the entertainment industry with which everyone is familiar, another area, neglected until now, is begging for its own reality show.

HOLLYWOOD'S NEXT BIG COMMERCIAL STAR

Everyone can recall famous commercials and the famous voices of personalities who did them. A reality show in the American Idol model that brings to the TV screens of the nation the next big COMMERCIAL STAR will be an automatic draw for TV audiences."

Stop smoking crack.

"Carl Flue, a Los Angeles detective who suffers from a paralyzing fear of knives, must face down an ancient Aztec sacrificial knife that has possessed the minds of several people and turned them into invincible killers that serve the knife's bloodlust."

'Nuff said.

"You've seen them out of the corner of your eye...now they've come out of hiding! Shadow People." "

Best. Endorsement. Ever.

"Jerry Connelly, the father of Oscar winner Jennifer Connelly, is currently reviewing the manuscript."

What exactly is a 'technology thriller'?

" Have you ever wondered what coma patients dream about? One man's dream could be a civilization's nightmare.

Genre: DRAMA/TECHNOLOGY THRILLER

Manny Rogers is a boy who falls into a coma. He finds himself as a grown man who invents a Global Positioning System that is implanted into every person's hand. Personal privacy is obsolete with the government in control of the G.P.S. chips. Manny rebels and fights back and almost loses his life as he awakes from his coma as a young boy. He remembers his dream and fears that it will actually happen.

This is my 1st screenplay. "

No shit?

Ranch dressing.

"A young hitch-hiker takes a job as temporary ranch hand on the somewhat failing ranch of a middle-aged widow. While learning the ropes of ranching, he falls for the widow's daughter and follows her to her job at the San Diego zoo. She gets him a job at the zoo and they enjoy some of southern California. When the zoo sends them both to Africa, they not only see African wildlife, but are also caught up in a native uprising. Returning to the states, the daughter finds her mother has died and she must decide between working the ranch or the zoo. She's already decided on the ranch hand. "

So, do they become giant frogs?

"A young female professor investigates a pair of hundred pound tadpoles.

Genre: Comedy / Horror Professor

Tessa Franklin discovers a pair of hundred pound tadpoles in a scenic Oregon lake. Local residents believe the eccentric retired professor with a frog farm, who shut down their logging industry, knows something. When wildlife disappears and a local resident vanishes, many suspect something else lies beneath the surface of the peaceful lake."

Lindsay Lohan is...

"Log Line: De Sade reincarnates as LA teen queen. Brief: The Law of Karma forces the Marquis de Sade to reincarnate to atone for past crimes. Would you want to meet this monster, present day? Teen Queen DIDI La BAS (16) sure wouldn't, but then she never will, because she... is... IT. De Sade returns to suffer his own vicious repertoire of debauchery re-enacted through Didi's LA life. "

This is just...disturbing.

"You are the father of a thirteen year old son. He's at that age -- sexually curious, but not quite ready. Your heart aches for him. He's terminally ill with cancer. Your son will never drive a car. Your son will never graduate high school. Your son will never marry and have his own children. Your son will never know the transcendent pleasure of sex and romantic love. You introduce your son to the prostitute that you are seeing. Are you participating in the sexual molestation of a child or, in a desperate attempt to cram as much life as possible into his very brief tenure on earth, are you courageously and nobly giving him one last gift? "

Van Wilder 2

"A romantic geek helps his sex-obsessed frat brothers win an invitation to a porn star party, in order to meet the sweet, innocent girl of his dreams."

Love it.

"She desperately wants to prove to the world that she's genuine. But her marriage is in trouble and her dead brother wants to lure her to the 'other side'. Will Mina, an amateur medium, survive the most scandalous and dangerous psychic investigation ever held? Based on a true story."

Points for honesty

"As you are looking for new talent I thought I'd write. I have four screenplays and my loglines suck. However, three were finalists at Worldfest Houston, one was a Gold Remi winner. They are:

Two spy thrillers, one drama, one Rom com.

Log lines follow.

A biochemist for the CIA has secretly put a deadly gene splice inside the grain seed now growing in Russia. (Helix)

A hacker has taken over the Navy's computerized weapons system. (The Aegis Conspiracy)

A woman must decide whether taking her husband off of life support is an act of love... or murder. (A Death Without Malice- Gold Remi Winner)

A Chicago lawyer turned cabby gives a ride to the woman who will change his life. (Your Honor - Please!)"

Get Real.

"GET SASSY-western comedy. This is the story of Sasparillo Smith the fastest gun ever. The problem is that he does not like to kill people. Instead he simply cripples those who try and kill him. The result is a gang of outlaws with missing fingers, shattered elbows, wrists, knees etc. who are sworn to 'Get Sassy'. Sasparillo and his friend Dusty Dave travel the west headed to Laredo for a fast draw contest. Winning the 500 dollar first prize will enable them to fulfill their dream of opening a school 'gunplay for dummies'. Along the way the gang tries unsuccessfully to kill the happy go lucky pair. Meanwhile they find love, missing relatives and fame and fortune, laughing all the way."

Ugh.

"At eleven o'clock in the morning Sara Claremore prepares for her traditional wedding, but by seven o'clock that night she will be floating at the bottom of a lake just a half a mile from where she was to spend her honeymoon. "

Mercury Rising 2

"Bobby, a young autistic boy, overhears a plot to murder a close family friend. The masterminds know it's the perfect crime. They can never be caught - they're already dead."

The reason no one makes Westerns anymore.

"After being laid up for six months, DEKE COLE, a macho mountain man and highly skilled professional hunter/poacher, is ripe for action. He is going to draw out and hunt down the 'squaw bitch' who put him out of commission with a bullet in the thigh. With the thrill of the hunt in his gut his "reign of terror" will soon begin! "

Contest: Pick your favorite phrase in this query.

"The most dashing Jewish hero since the epic movie “Exodus”: this character is at the heart of “Z.G. Against the Skinheads,” an action movie script with splashes of humor, which I would be pleased to offer to you….

The villains in the “Z.G.” script are highly topical – yet underutilized. Without entering into any details at all, the story could be described as a kind of less-expensive Indiana Jones-type of adventure through a Crocodile Dundee prism. The hero defeats dangerous enemies with unexpected, cleverly low-tech resources which are very flashy in visual terms, plus the application of brawn and plenty of guts.

I took care not to unduly emphasize the Jewish angle either, but to use it at the right moments for diverse effects. The hero has acquired very unusual fighting skills and methods. The result is an incident-packed story of derring-do, which is crafted with an eye to a balance between provenly effective formulas and enough distinctive elements to establish a very clear individuality. This is a script with an original twist."

Mine: "...without entering into any details at all..."

Carpenter's Next Flick.

"Two die-hard 'Big Trouble in Little China' fans are on a quest to recover Kurt Russell's tank top after being outbid at an online auction."

Please make this movie. Please.

"LOGLINE: When a 13-year-old mute girl moves with her parents to an isolated cottage, she discovers she can communicate with the trees who ask for her aid to rid the forest of an evil hobgoblin that is destroying the forest. "

Laugh. Cry. Enjoy.

"It's 'Dante's Peak' in the heartland.

Mad Cow Disease contaminates Prairie Home, Missouri where the only hope for life is death.

Genre: Thriller/Drama

Agent Damian Kingston from the Department of Agriculture is sent to the idyllic community of Prairie Home, Missouri to investigate a potential case of BSE; Mad Cow Disease. Not only does he uncover a deadly infestation, but realizes to save the town he must destroy the woman he loves. "


Too easy. Comments, please.

I know someone out there wants to make this.

"An undead woman falls in love with a human man and must fight her own kind to protect him.

For twenty years, Ginger Wells has been undead, killing and eating the living to survive. When she meets Dave Kapov she falls in love. She begins to sneak away from her own kind to be with him. The other undead, the cheerfully vicious Tiffany and the cold and deadly Regina, soon learn of Ginger's relationship with Dave. When they realize that she has told him what she is, they take action, and Ginger is forced to fight for her own existence, and the life of the man she loves."


Okay, a few things with this one:
1. Would some one please explain to me what "undead" means? Doesn't that mean you're ALIVE?
2. You can never, EVER be scary if your name is 'Ginger'.
3. What does 'cheerfully vicious' mean?
4. I hate last names in query letters. Unless your movie is about someone famous, who cares?
5. How do Dave Kapov and Ginger Wells meet? At Shelter?

Oy 2.

"Logline: Three teen orphans who spend their nights searching for ghost must help the trapped spirits of an abandoned plantation solve a murder to win the chance to say goodbye to their parents. "

Biopic

"I would like to introduce to you my newest and unique animation script entitled THE BUGZ! It's the story about two bugs that try to persuade a shattered Brazilian script writer, who's a loser, to write a script about all bugs, turning them into heroes!"

Check out Terry Rossio's (SHREK, POTC) site devoted to queries

http://www.wordplayer.com/columns/wp38.Breaking.the.Ice.html

His site takes on more of an educational tone, which is good. Mine is about making fun of people, which is bad (but ultimately more fun).

Anyways, if you're one who wants to "learn" things about "writing" check out Terry's excellent "TOP 20 MOST COMMON MISTAKES IN WRITING A QUERY LETTER".

I believe every one of his rules are broken on this site.

Hey Terry, need a manager? I'll package you with Red Eye Jack. Gold, Jerry, Gold!

Baby, You Need To Take Some Writing Lessons.

"An introverted history major at Brown University is romantically involved with another history major. His hobby is guitar. Through writing songs to her about history, he is able to express his feelings about their relationship. Once she hears his songs, she is able to respond to his feelings. Their love is resolved successfully. The songs are:

Baby we need a little common sense like Thomas Paine
Baby I need a Declaration of Independence
Baby you're like The Founding Fathers they had slaves
Baby we're having a Civil War
Baby this is Guadacanal
Baby this is DDAY
Baby this is Viet Nam
Baby this is Iraq
Baby we need a Bill of Rights"

Duh.

"Space cadet is a tale about finding out who you really are and what truly matters because it's not what you look like but what's inside you that counts!

A there and back again adventure, a young tailless Saurian naval cadet who has always wished to be normal has that wish granted via the treachery of some of his classmates. He quickly learns that normal isn't what it's cracked up to be and the discovery that the enemy has developed a new super weapon makes him realize that lives of those he loves is far more important than looking like everyone else."

Fan. Tas. Tic.

"One soldier must battle the CIA, the British Secret Service and the Cloning Research Abolition Party for six pigs who could cure a deadly virus. Too bad he's an Army cook who'd rather serve them with pineapple glaze."

Coyote Ugly Meets Cold Mountain

"A training accident catapults members of a female led Special Forces Recon Team into the middle of the Civil War where they must first destroy a secret Confederate weapon to ensure the North's victory at Gettysburg, and then figure out how to return to the present time."

Another one for Chapelle

"What happens when a super-human extraterrestrial appears on a South Carolina plantation just before the Civil War...and he also happens to be black?"

Read this. Period.

"Mike Downey, mid 30's, good-looking, gets his period. Mike's roommate thinks Mike is gay. Mike's doctor thinks Mike is his ticket to the Nobel Prize. Mike's coworker thinks Mike is God's Messenger. Mike thinks diapers work better than maxi-pads."

oh wait, there's more:

"When Mike starts bleeding, he runs to the hospital, where Dr. Murray Susser declares that Mike is getting his period. Susser sees Mike's period as his ticket to the Nobel Prize and recommends sharing Mike's records with Susser's colleagues. Mike flees."

Well, at least it has 3 acts.

"The Singing Law Student commits suicide in his home. He was rejected by the woman he loved, his psychiatrist, mistreated in the asylum. A parapsychologist moves into the home to encounter his spirit. Researching the link between manic depression and creativity, she brings a guitar with her for him to play.She encounters his spirit and he sings his songs to her which she records. She releases the songs and The Singing Law Student becomes famous. His psychiatrist, the woman who rejected him, and the doctors at the asylum commit suicide upon hearing his voice and his songs throughout society."

What Did Jesus Do?!

"THE GREATEST STORY NEVER TOLD: broad comedy that centers around how Jesus invents the game of professional football as told by Father O’Ryan in order to prevent the Irish grandfatherly priest from being transferred to Siberia."

I don't even know what to say here.

"When her husband finds a shrimp that grants wishes, a wife becomes too greedy for her own good."

Question: Who plays the shrimp?

More on Darth Cheney

"LOGLINE:When the Vice-President makes a deal with carnivorous aliens who chew the human race into near-extinction, a resourceful inventor and two equally-brilliant young women struggle to protect the survivors and lead them to safety.

SYNOPSIS: The Vice-President makes a corrupt deal with a carnivorous race of aliens, nearly decimating Earth's human population. But one survivor may have the technological skills and resourcefulness to save the rest of us from extinction. Ensconced with his two female colleagues in a 26-wheeled mobile home made of impervium and armed with pulse cannons and phasic missiles, Jake Holiday fights his way across the North American continent in search of safe harbor for the survivors. May I send you a copy of THEY CAME FROM BELOW?"


No, but it sounds like something Revolution would do.

Please let this happen in real life.

"An out-of-body traveler is sent to rescue the Vice-President from Iraqi captors. When the would-be rescuer gets a preview of the two possible futures that will occur depending on his actions, he must decide if rescuing the VP is really such a good idea. "

Paging Dave Chapelle!!

"Genre: Comedy
Title: Klansman Can't Jump

The Grand Wizard of the KKK has a secret. His adopted son turns out to be black. You won't believe the adventures his son gets into keeping this under wraps."



Which begs a huge question: If you adopt a son, how can you not know what race he is?

Another reader submission...

"A group of gangbangers skip town due to an added ingredient in their home made crack that causes the user chronic diarrhea. They travel across the border to Ensenada, Mexico. They encounter a group of collegiates on spring break. The gangbangers mix in and find themselves an underdog volleyball team that threatens the champions - a bunch of rich kid jocks. The rich kids arrange to handicap the homeboy's chances by breaking the hand of their ace spiker. In retaliation the homeboys invite the jocks over for tequila shooters, but don't tell them the salt in their shaker is spiked with the crap inducing crack."


I'm thinking Ice Cube as the wise bartender who talks to gangbangers back from their evil ways.

This one's getting made...

"After he is beaten into a coma by some young thugs, a teenage boy's spirit tries desperately to communicate with his attackers and convince them to tell the police where they have hidden his body."

A reader emailed us this log-line....and get this, the movie is getting made. Love it.

Sounds like Hollywood...

"Greetings. The following is a screenplay that I'm using to seek representation. The Florescent Shaded Teddy Bear Murders: An island community ofMillionaire supermodels must overcome their vanity when giant, ravenous teddy bears threaten their quirky lifestyle. Sparkle Island, a place of grotesque wealth where locals use "cosmetic genetics" to eliminate every flaw in their appearance, celebrate Tickle Festivals to relish the euphoria of hysterical laughter and thrill their pets with the sport of bungee jumping. The unattractive in this world fight for the leftover crumbs of opportunity, as success is primarily given to beauty before talent. Paradise is thrown into a blender when fanged beasts of plush mysteriously arrive to chow down on the gorgeous elite, leaving the less-attractive-hell, let's just call them ugly-labor force untouched. Police search the town in their limousines for clues, a military with questionable motive enters the fray, led by a Commander armed with lethal PEZ dispensers. But it's the town princess and ugly accordion virtuoso who discover the bears' origin: a paltry, balding scientist who created them as revenge for not getting a promised genetic makeover that would finally give him beauty and inclusion among the island's royalty."

This one came to me via email...so if you've got a good one, email it to me: queryletters5555@yahoo.com

Diagram, please?

"LOGLINE: Obsessed with the murder of her lover EDDIE'S wife, SUSAN goes to extreme measures to set up a seemingly innocent man so EDDIEcan take revenge; but the man survives and comes back for his own revenge.

PREMISE: EDDIE is so deeply traumatized by the brutal murder of his wife that his on-again off-again girlfriend, SUSAN, decides to take matters into her own hands. When a chance encounter lands her in a taxi with a rough driver named ROGER, she sets him up as the killer so EDDIE will find him and take revenge. But Roger survives the attempted murder and comes back to reclaim SUSAN who has to kill Roger herself, especially when she finds out that he truly is the killer."

Speaks for itself.

"Francis Chardley had it all--money, slaves, the best that 17th century plantation life could offer in Jamaica. It was not enough. "

"Great creative writing skills"

"Dear Managent company:

I am a writer with great creative writing skills. Please go to my website mentioned about to read just four of my movie outlines.

I need a management company (a manager) to represent me.
Please contact me if you are interested."

Oy.

"We have a fractured American family on what starts out as another lousy vacation, this time to a decaying Baja resort. There its most hostile member is kidnapped by inept outlaws, and the family, with the help of eccentric regulars from the resort, pulls off a daring rescue to become, in the end, a stronger family."


Read this again. It gave me a headache.

Just think what ideas reality producers must hear all day

"Donald Trump said to "Think outside the box". That's what I've done in a new game show that will rival "The Apprentice". The basic format is to create 2 teams which would never meet. They would be given one Million dollars per team to invest. No one gets eliminated from the game. They have to develop as a team. The players would be from all types of backgrounds. Each team would be appointed a financial advisor to assist in advice and accounting. There are many twist and turns. The final outcome would be that the team that has made the most money with their million would split it amongst themselves. The loosing team leaves with nothing. Of course a charismatic leader would host the show."


Oh, of course.

This is how ENRON started...

"Here’s the story in a nutshell. After guns and artifact smugglers encounter bandits in Mexico, their boss based in L.A. uses DNA from an ancient Mayan ruler to grow new brains and create an army of fierce androids to kill the bandits, take over Indian villages, and build a corporate empire by."

The Three

"Ryan is hot on the trail of a serial killer who haunts both his past and present life, but which life is he currently living?

Genre: Thriller/Suspense

Ryan is a man caught between two worlds. In one he's a police detective in a crime-infested city and in the other he's a sheriff happily married in an affluent neighborhood. One is his present and one is his past, but they share the same serial killer, a killer that's getting closer. "




Wasn't this what Nick Cage was talking about in ADAPTATION?

Imagine...

"Imagine a comprehensive story of a Company - told using only business newspaper excerpts, a la Wall Street Journal, about it ever since its beginning. Now imagine, the company is Humanity - and the newspaper is World History."


Imagine this guy never working as a writer.

#10

"When his tribe is slaughtered by a rival tribe, a young Neanderthal male embarks on an epic, life-changing and dangerous quest across the landscapes of Ice Age Asia to find a powerful healing flower for his tribe."

#12

"ISABEL is more comfortable at a safe distance, which makes her a perfect forensic scientist; specializing in crimes against animals she works somewhat happily in rural Oregon. But when her brother ANDREW brings home MARSHALL, a deep sea photographer, she falls in love for the first time; then Marshall has a heart attack and his only chance is a baboon heart replacement. With his new heart, Marshall learns to reach beyond himself and help those around him; together he and Isabel save animals from government research, putting their own lives at great risk."

Hey guys at FX - This has got TV series written all over it. And there's a monkey thing in here, too.

#9

"It isn’t just the monkey that sets 'Laughing My Sphincter Off' apart from other cancer memoirs, it’s also my skewed sense of humor. The one-two-punch of the monkey’s low down physical commentary coupled with my friskiness of mind give the reader a unique look inside the soul of a person battling colorectal cancer"

Ah, our first MONKEY reference. There will be more. Trust me.

#8

"Logline: When Death's helper moves in next-door a stressed-out soccer mom finds the sister she's never had."

I swear to god i'm not making these up.

#11

"BONGO the Clown, aka DRAKE, steals a locket that will reverse the stronghold the order of Clowns has over the entire world. Once in thehuman world, Drake and reporter MICHELLE, photographer CONOR and his girlfriend CATE must join forces with IKE the talking dog to battle BACKBONE, the king of all clowns. With the world in turmoil, clowns turning to soy, a beautiful clown assassin and a journey under thesea, an army of Viking midgets these clowns may be our only hope."

This one comes to us from the lovely B...keep'em coming!

#7

"ON A WORLD KNOWN AS GUIYA, THE ELFIN KINGDOM OF VALKHARAIS THREATENED BY A DARK AND EVIL FORCE.DESCHARDON, THE DEATHLORD, UNLEASHES HIS ARMY OF GORG UPONTHE LANDS OF GUIYA IN HOPE TO MAKE THE WORLD HIS SOLE EMPIRE. HIS FORCE IS LED BY HIS FIVE INSPIRITED GENERALS, THE SHAYNELORDS AND IS FOLLOWED BY A DARK AND MENACING CLOUD THAT STRETCHES OVER THE CONQUERED NATIONS, SIGNIFYING THE DEATHLORD'S RULE OVER THEM."

#6

"Scent of Mirrors: A ghostly assassin haunts a city with an invisibletouch, possessing the souls of his targets with a singular and uniqueskill----his adapted sense of smell."


I can just imagine this guy on the big screen, running around SNIFFING things.

#5

"It’s a dramatic supernatural comedy-adventure featuring twins, Jodie and Jessie, born with supernatural healing powers. When their healing powers are discovered after they heal some N.J. construction workers, a renegade covert-ops officer hires a beautiful redhead to find them, so he can take control of them and use their powers. But after she is exposed and some miraculous help from the Archangel Raphael, his plot is foiled. "


Perfect for the Olsen Twins.

#4

"Dear Sir or Madam,

Here is my pitch for RED EYE JACK, the FIRST and ONLY Pirate slasher/horror flick:

A cruise ship holding the ultimate high school reunion comes to a chilling halt when the boat drops anchor at the same location where Red Eye Jack, a evil pirate, died at sea. The havoc begins when someone takes his amulet, causing Jack's skeleton to awake and get on board the cruise ship. The amulet can only be worn by Jack, and causes deathly results to anyone else! It's Friday the 13th meets Pirates of the Carribbean!"



ATTENTION HOLLYWOOD: This movie must be made IMMEDIATELY.

#3

"A group of Texas college grads/buds decide to vacation in Mexico. It is exciting at the hotspot they encounter with all the salsa music and the mix of people. A couple of the exciting people they meet are Ramone, Carmen and Nina, a family. They are tall, attractive and sleek. And wealthy, educated and their ancestors date back hundreds of years. Ramone is very friendly and hospitable, but the women are aloof, snobbish and like to play head games. Ramone and Carlos become interested in each other. (Carlos is a cute, flamboyant gay and aspiring writer.) But it confuses Lindy when Ramone also seems to have eyes for her at times. She concludes he is bisexual and probably Carmen is too after she mean-spiritedly flirts and insults Glory at the same time. (Lindy has an archeological background, is athletic and a little cynical.) (Glory is a demure teacher with frail beauty.) Nina watches all this in apparent "waiting" amusement. Brett has eyes for Nina, who seems to be about ten years older than the other two. (He is a jock and homophobic so he and Carlos have a comical battle of the wits at times.) "

#2

"LOG LINE: On the streets he's just another face in the crowd, a semi-literate nice guy with a serious inferiority complex. But inside the club he is the man, because everyone wants to know THE BOUNCER. "

#1

So here's the format: The query letters (or parts of them) are below in quotes. My commentary - if any - follows. Some, like this one, need no commentary. How could I possibly be funnier than this:


"I’d like to introduce my second script – an Adventure/Romance/Magical Story about two college students helped by 5 scientist-ghosts to develop 2 revolutionary new inventions and get them marketed to the world despite an unscrupulous multinational corporate president who wants to steal them. "

Complaints or praise? Email me: queryletters5555@yahoo.com