Happy New Year!

AMERICAN PIE meets THIRTEEN DAYS

"I have recently completed a spec script, THE VIRGIN MISSILE CRISIS, a dramatic comedy about a sixteen-year old boy, the son of a high-ranking State Department intelligence official, who loses his virginity during the Cuban Missile Crisis. During the course of the film, the boy takes his first steps toward independence from his oppressively quirky family and faces the twin challenges of sex and nuclear annihilation. This script features strong, appealing roles for major actors and has real potential as both an independent or studio feature. I look forward to hearing from you about the script."

Ok, here's my favorite scene:

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Soft moaning heard in the b.g. as camera comes up and over a couch. Fuzzy images from a black & white TV silhouette two bodies, moaning in ecstasy.

GIRL
Is this your first time?

BOY:
Yes.

KENNEDY (on TV):

It shall be the policy of this Nation to regard any nuclear missile launched from Cuba against any nation in the Western Hemisphere as an attack by the Soviet Union on the United States...

Conjugal Grip!

"SUDDEN LIFE is a comedy about a reincarnated young man who discovers that the love of his previous life is now married to his killer.

Synopsis: Reincarnation isn't supposed to go like this.

College boy Joe Hearst in the comic screenplay SUDDEN LIFE still remembers and wants the love of his previous life. But locating her is not the solution. Fay isn't only twice his age, but she is also married to the thug that murdered Joe. So Joe's got to rescue her from the conjugal grip of a killer. And with the help of his previous daughter-tantalizingly now his age and the object of his brand new affection-he does.

Thank you."

I want to punch the person that composed this 'sentence'

"In a small Wyoming town, a stranger arrives, asking questions about a drifter, who was discovered sleeping in a highway culvert near the town 10 years earlier, and then delivering something unexpected to several residents whose paths crossed with the drifter."

aka The Bush Presidency

"In "Superzero", the devil persuades a disillusioned young man to assume the identity of a superhero and embark on a violent rampage against evildoers. It is a rambunctious tale about fantasy, desire, disappointment, and the dangers of combining beer and hard liquor."

I love these movies.

"Amanda McKendrick is dead. Now a cloned replica of herself, she must solve her own murder before the killer strikes again."

Merry Christmas!!!

Reading Queries In Tehran

A fellow blog reader sent in this description of a TV series airing on Sahar TV in Iran. This scores on two points: One, the bizzaro factor. Two, pure propaganda. And for some reason, doesn't this sound like an episode of DARK ANGEL?

"Iran's Sahar 1 TV station is currently airing a weekly series titled "For You, Palestine," or "Zahra's Blue Eyes." The series premiered on December 13, and is set in Israel and the West Bank. It broadcasts every Monday, and was filmed in Persian but subsequently dubbed into Arabic."

The story follows an Israeli candidate for Prime Minister, Yitzhak Cohen, who is also the military commander of the West Bank. The opening sequence of the show contains graphic scenes of surgery, and images of a Palestinian girl in a hospital whose eyes have been removed, with bandages covering the sockets.

In Episode 1, Yitzhak Cohen lectures at a medical conference on the advances being made by Israeli medicine regarding organ transplants. Later in the episode, Israelis disguised as UN workers visit a Palestinian school, ostensibly to examine the children's eyes for diseases, but in reality to select which children's eyes to steal to be used for transplants.

In Episode 2, the audience learns that the Israeli president is being kept alive by organs stolen from Palestinian children, and an Israeli military commander is seen kidnapping UN employees and Palestinians."

I haven't seen the clips yet, but you can by going HERE.

Not quite sure how one follows the other...

"After living on earth for many years, what would you feel if somebody reveals to you that your parents are angels? How does it feel to know in the end that your mission involves killing your own father?"

WTF?

"When a prison Warden who is planning to retire from his job and a little green guy known as a "Gumby" team up to save an elderly convict from being carried out in a body bag strange things begin to happen and for all the right reasons."

MIDNIGHT RUN meets SPACE BALLS

"A space bounty hunter nabs a conniving pirate, but fails to turn him over when an unlikely friendship develops.

Bounty hunter Talos accepts his latest mission to bring in 18th century Earth pirate Maymon, the last known keeper of a lost treasure. But when a damaged ship strands the pair, a bond develops between these two free spirited adventurers despite the centuries and cultural differences that exist between them."

Xmastime

With the Christmas break approaching, my blog will slow down dramatically, just like Paramount's production schedule!

However, I will be posting a tidbit here and there.

Also, check out this press the blog got in the current issues of Newsweek and City Beat, which - like little boys on Santa Monica - you can find on most street corners.

Good stuff, right?

Oh yeah.

What a loser.

"Title: Fangs

Genre: black comedy

Log line:
Your lovely fiancée has a secret. Years ago, she promised her hand to Dracula in exchange for a few years of freedom. Now he wants her back.

- This screenplay was inspired by my attendance to a very unique event, the first World Dracula Convention, held in Transylvania, a very surreal, colorful and inspiring affair. This, I believe, gives it exceptional flavor and an off-beat authenticity."

That's a lot to do.

"Frank and Alysia were supposed to colonize a distant planet. Frank has changed those plans. Now he must save Alysia, her rescuers, Earth and himself."

I'd pay 11 bucks for that.

"TITLE: IGOR CHUMKIN'S TEMPLE OF LOVE

GENRE: ROMANTIC COMEDY

I would like to submit the details of my latest screenplay for your consideration.

LOGLINE: A lonely young Russian farmer agrees to let an unscrupulous archeologist unearth a priceless relic from his land in exchange for a chance at love with the man's assistant."

JAWS meets OPEN WATER

"When sharks invade a flooded coastal town, a mother, nearly crippled by a previous attack, must venture out alone in a small boat to rescue her troubled teenage daughter."

My new favorite.

"I am a writer/director.

I have just completed the feature screenplay "VERY LAST THING".

"VERY LAST THING" is a thriller about the accidental death of Sara, whose Net hacker husband, Joe, now, roams the streets losing his mind.

Her mother's revenge, a shrewd detective reconstructing a genius scam, and a determined P.I, are all relentlessly after him. The truth is beyond jaw dropping; It'll change all of their lives and FOREVER. ALL OF THEM!"

Calling J-Lo!

"APOLONIA, working on a secret genetic project in the US military inseminates herself with a Superchild composite and takes off towards Latin America pursued by Homeland Security."

Nothing's funnier than people who are 'learning disabled.'

"The screenplay "ALL SCREWED UP" is designated for large groups of people who have been left out by the film industry. These people consists of: teenagers who are friends to the learning disabled as well as those that are leaning disabled, a teenager and parent who have wanted to go to the movies together but have had nothing to see, and adults who haven't lost the spirit of youth in them. "All Screwed Up" is the story of a seventeen year old woman Teenisha, who suffers from ADD who transfers into the body of Pete one of the most popular football players in her high school. Pete and Teenisha will learn more about true friendship, social climbing and themselves during this transformation then they have learned their entire life. I wanted to create this screenplay like me with a little rebel in it, just when you figured it out I add a little twist. There are more twists, turns and laughs in this ninety six page screenplay then the "Cyclone" at Coney Island but an ending that will leave the viewer fully satisfied."

Two pieces of shit.

#1
Desperate for cash, a college student agrees to follow the attractive girlfriend of a mysterious stranger, only to learn the situation has nothing to do with following anyone. Enter the police as they start to close in as the bodies start to pile up. Take 'Strangers on a Train,' mix in a little 'Collateral,' add some 'Psycho,' and set it on a college campus.

#2
It began with a sound no one was supposed to hear, how would you feel if someone you were seriously involved with at one time ended up dead right outside of your workplace? How about if you were suddenly deemed a suspect?....suppose you had proof to back up your story? Proof with a sound. Take 'Blow Out', 'The Conversation' and mix it with Hitchcock's 'Rear Window.'"

Does the fun ever start?!

"Eyna!" (South African for "Ouch!") is the comedic tale of a man, a manly-man, a sports-legend, national hero, nay a cricket god, who finds himself... pregnant? Ah, the fickle finger of fate and misguided storks."

No query this morning, but funny nonetheless.

I'm not sure why, but this is funny shit. I found it on a big press release website, meaning that someone is looking to capitalize on it.

Super Model Gisele Bundchen, Reneges on “Lost Dog” Reward Offer; San Bernardino Couple Arrested, Released, and Talking to Media

Hollywood, CA (PRWEB) December 10, 2004 -- Supermodel Gisele Bundchen’s “no questions asked” $5000.00 reward offer for her lost dog just before Thanksgiving, may have gotten her dog back, but, according to the young couple who responded to the offer and returned her seven year old Yorkshire terrier, Bundchen’s attitude now is “no questions answered”. Reminiscent of Bundchen’s former agency boss, John Casablanca's widely publicized description of Bundchen that she is “a monster of selfishness” and designer Roberto Cavalli’s claim that Bundchen “welshed" on a business deal with him, Janelle Olson (20) and Paul Douwenga (21) of San Bernardino County, California, (90 miles east of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Hollywood Hills Estate to which the dog was returned according to Los Angeles police), have had to retain an attorney to find out what happened to the “hefty” reward offer which Bundchen published when she was reportedly "depressed, devastated and frantic" over the disappearance of her seven year old Yorkshire terrier, Vida on November 17, which had no identifying information on its collar when found running in the public street.

“My friends and I found the dog running in the street where it was almost hit by a pickup truck” said Janelle, we picked it up and took it with us to keep it safe. As soon as she could get back to Hollywood, six days later, Janelle made sure to go to the neighborhood where the dog was rescued. There she saw the anonymous reward posters, which Bundchen, reportedly on the advice of Paris Hilton, had plastered all over the neighborhood. That evening Janelle and Paul, along with their 18 month old son gathered up Vida and brought her back to Los Angeles where they arranged to meet with the owner and exchange the Vida for the reward. Instead, after returning the dog in good condition as promised, Paul and Janelle were suddenly arrested at gunpoint by three detectives, thrown to the ground and held their while 18 month old Schyler, their son, screamed with distress and fright. Transported to the police station still in handcuffs, Paul asked officers “what have I done wrong”? Two hours later after questioning, Paul and Janelle were released and told by police that they had been cleared of any wrong-doing. In subsequent conversations with authorities, Paul and Jenelle were told that the owners of the dog had made a theft complaint, apparently failing to tell police about published reports that Vida had run away from home before, and even after police cleared Janelle and Paul, Bundchen was refusing to pay the reward. Attempts by Paul and Janelle to get an explanation from Bundchen were rebuffed, until they hired attorney Frank Edward Harrigan III of Claremont, who made contact with Bundchen’s agent, Ann Nelson at IMG and has since been in discussions about the matter with attorneys for Ms. Bundchen. As Paul told Access Hollywood in a recent interview, “If we had gotten the reward money as promised and an apology on the night all this happened, that would have been the end of it. Now, we are upset and distressed about everything we have had to go through including reading press reports instigated by Bundchen, or her entourage, that stated or implied we must be “dognappers” or leave us feeling humiliate when we have to tell our friends that although we brought the dog back to its owner, we didn’t get the promised reward.”

"Even after they were cleared by police, Bundchen's people have wrongly maintained and implied Paul and Janelle deserved the humiliating treatment they received. " said the couples attorney, Frank Harrigan. “At this point, based upon everything we know, it appears Bundchen and others who conspired with her had no intention of paying the reward when they made the offer. For example, according to what the police told my clients, there was a video tape, apparently part of Dicaprio’s security system, of Janelle’s vehicle when her friends rescued Vida from the street. From the day the dog was missing the police may have known how to find Janelle and the dog, but they made no attempt contact her. Also, one press report initiated by Bundchen’s press operation, however, explicitly stated that Bundchen suspected “dognappers” in the disappearance of Vida. The “hefty” reward offer was a clearly trick, a ruse and a deception, from what we have read perhaps suggested by Ms. Hilton. Now that the police have verified Janelle and Paul acted innocently, Bundchen and her people still don’t want to honor the reward or even apologize to Paul and Janelle for what they went through, including a car chase in which someone apparently associated with Bundchen terrorized Janelle by chasing her car around the Hollywood Hills the day she learned of the reward. By going public the couple stated they hoped to begin to counter the false impressions created by the arrest, press reports and Bundchen's failure to honor her 'no questions asked" reward, according to the couple.

How can so few words prompt so many questions?

"The Messiah or the Fuher...is one about to return?

Dresden, 1945: A secret Nazi experiment takes place to bring about the savior of the Third Reich. Are they trying to clone Hitler or are the Germans up to something much more sinister? Whispers of this monstrosity reach the Allies and bombing ensues.

Rome, present day: An urgent communique informs the Pope that the Shroud of Turin has gone missing. Who could have stolen it and what are the possible ramifications not only for western civilization, but also the world?"

Queries like this really make me think: How can one idiot writer have so many logical inconsistencies in about 4 sentences?

First, if Hitler is alive, why would he want to clone himself? What would Hitler's clone do?

Second, why would Hitler want to clone Jesus? It simply MAKES NO SENSE.

Third, - oh screw it, I give up.

I am SOOOOOOOOO going to make this.

"Can you guess what the following successful horror flicks, "Silent Night, Deadly Night," "Halloween," and "Valentine's Day" all have in common? Yup, that's right, they're all "holiday-themed" gore-fests! But there's one holiday that's never been adapted to a grisly big screen feature - and oddly enough - it's the biggest movie-going day of the year.

May we present for your consideration, "THE FEAST," a fast-paced, clever, "Thanksgiving-themed" horror/thriller that's not only unique and terrifying, it's destined to become a modern holiday "classic."

SYNOPSIS: A quiet, back-to-nature "Thanksgiving in the woods" turns into an unrelenting nightmare when a group of teens looking to escape the commercialism of the holidays, unearth an ancient prophesy that revives a long-dead, bloodthirsty Native American tribe. As the night unfolds, the kids spend the holiday battling an unending onslaught of demonic, revenge-seeking Indians spirits who are out to extract a violent revenge for the wrongs done to them four centuries ago.

Logline: A Cornucopia of Horrors. There Won't Be Any Leftovers Tomorrow.

Cover art on the DVD: A "Norman Rockwell-ish" family sits down to eat their oh-so American, Thanksgiving dinner. All eyes are on dad as heleans over to carve the turkey, so no one sees that just out past the picture window that looks in on their dining room, two Native American ghosts, both dripping with blood and covered in war paint, are staring in the window, axes poised, ready to strike....."

I love how the author already knows this is going straight to DVD.

Too much going on in this one.

"With new knowledge of legendary buried silver and gold from the Civil War, Matthew Jennings infiltrates a gay deprogramming camp located on land that once belonged to his family. While searching for the silver, Matt must contend with other students, one of whom is an undercover reporter gathering facts for a stinging expose of the wacky goings on this Southern Gothic sadistic camp.

Matt's plan blows up in his face when the reporter is murdered and he becomes the most likely suspect. Alone and desperate, Matt must escape the fundamentalist preacher and clear his name as he attempts to located the secret treasure."

How does one outsmart oneself?

"Dear Esteemed Film Expert:

Please allow me to grab your attention with the logline for my 119-page screenplay, WAKING UP:

Dream recording software opens the unconscious mind to exploration in this thriller about a genius who outsmarts himself.

Grieving the shooting death of his wife, software whiz Will Sneap becomes convinced that his boss is the culprit. The creative force behind Dream Catcher, a program that allows the user to record their dreams on DVD, Will is a reluctant hero, driven by conflicting desires into the hands of fate.

Forced to choose between revenge and redemption, Will risks his life in order to preserve his sanity, confronting his darkest fears in the funhouse mirrors of his own mind. Searching for clues to the shooting, he ultimately discovers the killer within.

NOTE: Although there is a sci-fi aspect to this drama, the story takes place in the very near future, inasmuch as the technology described is currently being developed.

Thanks for your valuable time!"

Please keep your day jobs.

"MAYBE DECEMBER is a quirky, edgy love story about a young paramedic obsessed with the death around him. His world is thrown askew when he befriends a much older woman who, as a result of cutting edge hormone replacement testing, becomes the first person to ever age in reverse!

In the span of ten months the quixotic Woman's body shifts its biological clock backwards from eighty-one to twenty-two-years-old. Desperate to fully seize her second chance at life and avoid becoming a guinea pig for Corporate Researchers, she flees her nursing home and attempts to woo the dark horse paramedic. Although initially repulsed, his growing affection for her forces him to face his own prejudice, emotional scars and disconnection with life."

Does the Ouija Board talk?

"After a chilling encounter with the same Ouija Board that drove his mother to commit murder, a young man is haunted by a mysterious entity that leads him deep into his forgotten past and to an evil he has never known...or has he?"

War + Monster = Movie

"1968. Vietnam. Navy SEAL Gabriel Hemloche leads his team deep into enemy territory. Gabriel and his unit are torn apart….by vampires. Bitten, Gabriel starts to change."

So it's greed AND money. Nice.

"Ten years ago Marcus killed his lover for greed and money. His guilt forces him to try to come up with a way to give back to the world. He hangs out on the streets befriending homeless people looking for a way to reconcile his guilt."

Of course she has to be pretty.

"Unless a pretty student and a plant operator stop a greedy platinum miner from injecting hazardous wastes deep into the Earth, their town will explode in a fiery blast, triggering earthquakes, volcanoes, fires, and floods."

Now the rest of this query is long, but it's soooooooooo worth it.

"SYNOPSIS:
In his younger years, David Seaberry extracted usable metals from ore at the old metals recovery plant in Oakley, Tennessee. The plant was shuttered 30 years ago when the town was rocked by a deadly series of earthquakes, volcanoes, fires, and floods. The townspeople blamed the loss of life on the previous mining company, and they never want to see the plant reopen. But when it's discovered that the earthquakes have opened a cavern full of the precious metal platinum, Logan Wesley Forbes buys and renovates the plant, plying the public with assurances he'll protect public safety.

Pretty young college student Lynn Whitaker comes to Oakley to research the 1974 incident. David Seaberry explains how the former owner injected mining waste by-products deep into the earth. Consulting with Lynn's professor, they learn the earth is very fragile in the area due to an earthquake that occurred in the early 1800's. Given present geological conditions, if Forbes has secretly resumed injecting mining wastes deep into the Earth, the town is in imminent danger of exploding into oblivion, with disastrous environmental implications for the entire planet. Lynn and David join forces to find a way inside the facility and prevent an environmental holocaust.

My script, Region 10, is loosely based on my experience as an environmental chemist. May I send you a copy?"

Well as long as there's SOME female masturbation...

"CONFESSIONS OF A SEX-CRAZED TEEN-AGE VIRGIN
Comedy/coming of age

In this comedy of sex, music, rhythm and teen age life, an African American teen-age virgin bares the secrets of her soul---her secret sex fantasies, her secret desires and her own personal experiments with sex---all while she is playing Shakespeare and dancing across the disco bars of East L.A. Patricia Venable is a sexy, seductive African-American high school teen-ager who takes the role of Cordelia in Shakespeare's play, "King Lear" in a neighborhood theatre group. She expects to meet people who serious, sober and obsessed with the dramatic arts. Instead, she finds herself dancing across the disco bars of East L.A., with names like, "Shakespeare's Bawdy," "Hamlet's Prick" and "Ophelia's Crotch." She expects to be overwhelmed with the grandeur of Shakespeare; instead she finds herself overwhelmed with her emerging sexuality, as she must deal with her feelings about masturbation, homeorotic feelings and her increasing sexual attraction for the director of the play, a young man in his late 'twenties. Fortunately, she finds a sympathetic African American doctor with whom she can discuss her emerging sexuality. Finally, in the end she overcomes her fears and insecurities and goes on to play a great role. Film includes some discussions of human sexuality from the French deconstructionist philosophers, especially their bizarre and quixotic theories on masturbation. Some female masturbation scenes, a homoerotic love scene; no explicit sex."

This script writes itself

"TITLE: LOVE ON PUBLIC ACCESS - Romantic Comedy

I would like to submit the details of my screenplay for your consideration.

LOGLINE:
Can a Park Avenue psychoanalyst find lasting love with a cable-access Tarot-reading psychic healer from the Bronx?"

I want the Farrelly Brothers to make this as a comedy. NOW!

"A boy with no sense of danger. A dog with no care for danger. Together they will become best friends for life...

TITLE: LOST

GENRE: FAMILY DRAMA

LOGLINE:
When an autistic boy becomes lost in the wilderness, his dog leads the search party and rescues him from danger."

He, completely worthless writer.

"IMMACULATE DECEPTION

POTENT! ENGROSSING! SUSPENSEFUL!

She, a young French girl marries He - English teacher, and moves from small French village to Windsor, Ontario. She - full of superstitions and fanatically religious and He - atheist, into mastery and control. With two small children and her 7 months pregnant, they make a horrific trip 1000 miles back to their previous homes in New Brunswick.

Dehumanized and debased She makes plans for His destruction knowing God is leading Her every step. Terrified of His temper, and bloated body taut, She drives away leaving Him at a service station 300 miles from home. What is His revenge? What about the baby? His punishment is devious and unrelenting. She gives birth to her third child knowing her death plan for Him is unique and his twisted love will be ended. A Time to Heal is close.

The French/English, Catholic/Protestant dilemma is dominant throughout this intricate Canadian story. In order to Heal, she meticulously plans his destruction, and by law she GETS AWAY WITH IT, however, the ending is a shocking gut grabber, an appropriate ending for this lurid tale. A Time To Heal is an alternate title."

Who would win and why?

"Query Letter for "Survival"

Imagine Julia Roberts, Pres. George W. Bush, Mick Jagger and Olympic Gold Medalist Marion Jones all in the same room. Suddenly the doors to that room are locked behind them, and the famous four are forced to play ingenious and twisted games of survival until only one is left alive."

Write what you know.

"Say You Love Me", is a fire and ice dating experience, between two ill tempered loud mouths. Instead of the standard ,I love you's; they tend to cuss each other out and then make up. Borders on obsessive love for the male, who is desparate to get married and start a family."

How original.

"The Dead-end - a suspense-thriller along the lines of The Sixth Sense meets The Others.

A young couple sets out to renovate a mansion that’s abandoned, but far from vacant; this is where the dead will manipulate the living to reunite a family and change the past."

Bambi on 'roids.

"Deerly Beloved: Comedy. When a deer crashes her wedding, a jappy New York advertising executive must go into the Connecticut woods and retrieve her wedding ring (which is around its antler). With her womanizing sports agent fiancé in traction and 48 hours until deer hunting season begins, she turns to a local bumbling policeman for help."

So annoying.

" 'The Beloved' is the first of a trilogy. A supernatural thriller set in present time, we meet Archangel Michael's teenage daughter Hamiah, introduced onto Earth through a human mother. Unbeknown to her she's part of a simple Divine plan to ensure a piece of human nature is preserved when the world ends. But Lucifer and his forces of evil rule Earth and he doesn't intend to let Hamiah inherit it. And so for the unsuspecting innocent Hamiah, a very perilous journey begins and she's soon vying for her life as Lucifer drives her towards self-annihilation."

It's All About The Title

New Line just paid an ungodly amount of money to buy HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Now read this Variety quote from the man who calls the shots there:

"As soon as I heard the title, even before it was published, I knew it could make a strong romantic comedy," said New Line production prexy Toby Emmerich. "The writers made us wait until they came up with a movie pitch, and we bought it right away."

This made me smile on so many levels. And it reveals one of the great truths about Hollywood: It's the marketing, stupid! Let's revist this quote again:

"As soon as I heard the title, EVEN BEFORE IT WAS PUBLISHED, I knew it could make a strong romantic comedy."

So who cares about the actual STORY, it had a great title.

And the kicker: "The writers MADE US WAIT until they came up with a movie pitch, and we bought it right away."

The best part about this is that Toby was actually pissed he had to WAIT to hear what the story would be. The horror! And it's so fucking Hollywood.

So writers, take note: No one cares about what you've actually written, you have to have them by the balls from the title. If you don't have a good title, toss your script in the trash. Now, who's going to buy my latest: HOW TO HAVE ANAL WITH WONKETTE?

Crabs! The Musical!

You the public have been very helpful in contributing information to the blog and I thank you for it. This is the first email I've received from a reader who loves one of these ideas.

Here it is:

Hey,

I'm writting with regards to one of the movie ideas you posted on your site. The name was Crabs!

http://queryletters.blogspot.com/2004/10/can-we-get-stifler-in-this.html

While I think this would make an absolutely aweful movie I think it would make an absolutely brilliant musical. There's so many possibilities in a musical setting that I'd really like to give it a go. I don't suppose it'd be possible to for you to help me get in touch with the man/woman who wrote it.

Thanks for your time.

I could not stop laughing after I read this.

Buddy, the only way you get to roll with CRABS! THE MUSICAL is if I get to be a producer because don't you think for ONE MINUTE that this wouldn't be the best idea in the history of the multiverse! Tell me where to sign! (Oh, and you spelled "aweful" wrong.)

Hawaii Five-Blow

Title: Honolulu 6:PM ( Anarchy On Waikiki)

Logline: Overly uptight and inept special crime fighting team of exaggerated Hawaii Five 0 look-a-likes ( imprisoned for carrying their "above the law" status too far ) are secretly released early to battle evil Oahu island criminal mastermind "Fat Ho" and instead create "Anarchy On Waikiki!"

The rest of the query is WAY to long, but here are some fantastic snippets:

"... led by condescendingly corney, proposterously pompous, pea-cock pompadoured and overly vain 'Dave McVain ...'"

"... by using a secret and extremely powerful, native island, Viagra type aphrodisaic in macadamia nut cookies ..."

"... The island is turning into love making chaos ..."

"... They are also helped in this effort by an old and inconspicuous high spiritual island wise man ( shamman - Pat Morita type) ..."

"... the 6 PM team all finally find true romantic love with the most mismatched and wacky female mates...Imagine short little Ditto ( Danno ) hooking up with a much bigger Hawaiian female Sumo wrestler type, and Dave McVain ( McGarrett) linking up with a very homely, hairy and deep voiced transsexual Hula dancer ..."

"... Instead of that great old line "Book Em Danno"..McVain would say " Sic Em Ditto" and then "Back Off Boy" and throw Ditto a biscuit that he would growlingly and maniacally chew to bits!"

If you say 'Paris Hilton' you die.

"GENIE IN A COKE BOTTLE, a comedy about a newly engaged pampered heiress who is tricked by a mischievous Genie into trading identities. Trapped in Genieland to a life of poverty and servitude, the heiress fights to free herself before the greedy Genie bags her fiance and blows her trust fund."

PASS-ADENA!

Title: Chaos Breeds Chaos - Horror/comedy/fantasy

"Dear Sirs,

American Chaos is set in a world where the Communists have won the cold war and invaded America. Unable to stop their armies, America is divided between east and west similar to the way Berlin was....

Chaos Breeds Chaos takes place in the late 1970's when Gunner, a career criminal, escapes from a maximum security prison in East America. He is soon thrown into a hellish world when he discovers that much of the countries population has been bred into mutants by the ruling communist party. Gunner, along with the biker gang The Commikazes, must fight the mutants and communist on their journey to Free America.

Although I am beginning my career, [NO SHIT?] I have attended film school and taken workshops on writing. [GET YOUR MONEY BACK] I understand the nuances of the process and the rules that must be applied.”

This should have been called SEX BUSTERS:

"This is the fast paced story about two rebellious college students that go into the ghost busting business in one of the most beautiful places on earth, Hawai.

They team up a "Man in Black" government agent to stop the take over of their island by sex crazed ghosts that arrive by cruise ship. Battles with these creatures erupt all over the island from the Wal-Mart to the volcanoes.

Would you like to hear more about this story? Please request a treatment."

Of course, this guy is a total asshole, but it has given me the idea of SEX BUSTERS: A group of nerdy college science majors, invent backpack machines that transform horny college coeds back into virgins.! (Extra points to whomevever can tell me what movie this idea was in.)