So this movie is, like, 12 minutes long?

"He believed in freedom and democracy. For this reason he went to war. But when he came back he could not bear the consequences of the war. He shot himself."

Future Slut!

"In a savage post-apocalyptic future, a hunted man struggles to free his beloved from a harem so he can escape with her to safety."

For The Last Time: Colin Farrel is NOT A STAR!!!

No query letter here....but looking at the loser that is ALEXANDER should have people finally convinced that Colin Farrel is not a fucking star.

What more does Hollywood need to stop giving this guy jobs?

NO ONE LIKES HIM.

Girls don't like him. Guys don't like him. Young people don't know who he is. Old people don't know who he is.

EXECUTIVES: Stop hiring this loser. PLEASE!! What more proof do you need?

Does this give you a headache?

"The lives of a dysfunctional couple who have big trouble explaining the mysterious disappearance of their child, a 40 year old softball coach who convinces his 15 year old female catcher to run away with him, and a family man lured into drug addiction, intersect in a small Oregon town, as they reach out for hope in their troubled lives."

RIp-off alert!

This one made me laugh in so many ways. First off, it's a beat-by-beat rip-off of POINT BREAK. My running commentary in GREEN CAPS.

"TITLE: THE X GAME
GENRE: ACTION

We would like to submit the details of our latest screenplay for your consideration.

LOGLINE: A daredevil cop gets sucked into the world of motocross racing when he goes undercover to solve a series of death-defying bank robberies.

SYNOPSIS: An ominous black van rumbles down a city street. The rear door flies up, and four motorcycles fly out and crash through the windows of a bank. Patrol cars rush to the scene and give chase, but they're no match for this gang on bikes that can glide through gridlock, zip through narrow passageways, even soar over walls.

Charlie, a rookie cop fresh out of Special Forces OF COURSE!, bored by his mundane duties in patrol, takes it upon himself to solve the case. Keeping his profession a secret, he gets a bike and goes to the motocross track. He's accepted into a clean-cut group of top-notch riders led by a former pro named Travis CHARLIE AND TRAVIS: MANLY MEN. Charlie falls for Travis'no-nonsense former girlfriend, Alex SHE HAS TO HAVE A MAN'S NAME - VERY IMPORTANT. Charlie pins his suspicions on a hard-case bunch of riders, The Metal Militia, and sends the cops to raid their quarters. When the raid turns up nothing, Charlie looks foolish. He soon discovers the actual robbers are his new found friends themselves. NO! YOU DON'T SAY?! When Travis finds out Charlie is an undercover cop, he kidnaps Alex and threatens to kill her to keep Charlie from ruining their plot. To keep Alex alive, Charlie is forced to help Travis rob the cash reserves at the X Games. HMMM, SOUND FAMILIAR? Charlie tries to arrest them as they make their escape. A fiery police battle ensues.

After a last death-defying sequence, Charlie ultimately brings down Travis and saves Alex, getting himself promoted from patrol cop to detective... where the action is. LOVE THAT: "WHERE THE ACTION IS!" I CAN JUST HEAR THE TRAILER NARRATION.

May we send you a copy of THE X GAME? NO. NEVER.

Paging Richard Greico!

"It is the glamorous and gaudy age of the 1980's...Glam Rock, big hair, Ricky Schroder and SILVER SPOONS reign over pop culture. Relations between the two Super Powers is breaking down. The Cold War is at its most fragile state. In these tenuous times, SEAN, a lone CIA agent, and his twin brother, VINNY, the lead singer of a famous glam rock band, must swap identities in order to destroy a Soviet Super-Weapon.

ARSIN is a high concept action/comedy in the vein of JAMES BOND meets SPINAL TAP."

Name dropping

I hate queries that drop names. It's ridiculous. If you were so great, how come you don't have an agent or manager already?

This one - in particular - bothers me greatly. Who even cares what the scripts are about after you read this self-serving first paragraph?

"I have three completed scripts I would like to submit. Although I am not currently represented all are under consideration at Warner Brothers in the office of Lionel Wigram. I have also succeeded in having major stars interested in my work. TOM CRUISE, via the office of RICK NICITA (CAA) is currently reading one of my scripts (copy of email asking for release forms below.)"

blah blah blah.

Think midgets would star in this?

"Two hotshot cherubs eager to prove themselves, sneak down from Heaven to help a fun, spirited boy about to be expelled from kindergarten and sent to live with his grandparents."

Hoop Dreams Meets Shawshank

"A black guard coaches a prison basketball team and finds the strength and motivation he needs in a crippled, white inmate who shoots three-point baskets better than anyone he's ever seen.

Genre: Drama

CW coaches basketball to the inmates of Longhorne Correctional. His father committed suicide after being branded a crooked cop and CW's been trying to get over the rumors ever since. "Boo Hoo" Flanagan is serving a twenty-year sentence for the second-degree murder of his wife. After catching her with her lover a struggle ensued and no-one, not even his daughters, believe her death was an accident. Basketball provides each man with an escape from his past and the bonds they forge on the court will be their salvation in the future."

I love the play on the "white guy only shoots threes" cliche...but of course here he's in a wheelchair.

Clone Wars

"What happens when your wife dies, but you need to convince everyone she's still alive in order to keep her inheritence? You create a perfect copy.

Genre: Drama

In order to keep two hundred million dollars, Ray has to convince everyone his dead wife is still alive. As Linda lies in a coma, heading towards certain death, her sister, Doria waits in anticipation for the inheritence that's about to pass her way. Unluckily for Doria, Linda passes away while she's out of town and Linda's husband, Ray, takes a desperate step. With the help of a plastic surgeon and unsuspecting housewife, Ray creates a perfect copy of Linda. Just how far would you go for two hundred million dollars? "

If only we can fit a monkey into this story....

"The World has imploded on itself. Evil Robot plans an Empire built on the backs of remaining humanity.Can a man from the pass survive the hate of a savage woman and save humanity before the sands of time run out…?"

Huh?

"A renowned biochemist returns to his hometown as a young man and finds his high school sweetheart in a nursing home. When he's caught injecting her with his youth serum, she must resurrect the bed ridden town sheriff to help her save him from a biotech giant who will stop at nothing to obtain the formula."

"Tsuanmi of slaughter!" Fantastic.

"I am hoping you will please consider reading my latest Sci-Fi/Horror script 'Lost Cause'.

An ancient, evil civilization conquers a metropolis, trapping nine players of utterly different interests in an ultimate struggle for survival. The band Lost Cause plays at an underground club. All rocks! An uproar in the back of the crowd quickly evolves into a tsunami of slaughter. The club erupts into sheer chaos, as Thin-Men carve a macabre path of destruction. Suddenly, time and light are manipulated.

How?

Blackness, the survivors awake amidst remnants of the previous horrors. Personalities clash, as each player must overcome their differences to escape... "Eight people you hate, nine lives to save."

See, no career.

"Hi.

Just what you wanted: another unsolicited script. (It's got slashing!)

Here's the basic idea: SEE, KNOW EVIL -- A New York street hustler is a hardened female homicide detective's best bet for solving a string of slasher-murders. The hustler was a witness to the latest crime. There's just one problem: he was high on hallucinogenic drugs at the time, and keeps insisting he and his girlfriend were attacked by a horrible dragon.There's slashing and prostitutes ... and it's actually a pretty sleazy/cool/oddly serious story of human redemption.There's also lots of slashing."

Silent Movie.

"Logline: A heart transplant team spirals out into Mad Mad Mad World.

Synopsis: Comedy with both an action narrative and a surreal visual essay quality, Heart Trouble contains no dialogue. The technique of how this is done is explained within the body of the manuscript."

Oh and somebody bought this piece of shit.

"An Australian poacher gets trapped in a koala's body and shipped to the London Zoo after falling under an Aboriginal spell. "

Arafat isn't the only one that's been in a coma

I've been in one since the election...but now I'm back and ready to entertain you with ridiculous log lines. Check this one, it's a script that someone is trying to spec out. No shit.

"A gay Indie actor with the worst reputation in town as an out of control drug-abusing, alcoholic lands a "career-saving" role. All he has to do is stay off drugs, alcohol, and men while playing a heroine-addicted-poet who turn into a vampire cat while filming in rural Wisconsin. Complications arise when he's surrounded by drugs, all of his demons, and the man of his dreams."

Ugh.

Another aborted query.

"WHAT IF A WOMAN WAS GIVEN THE CHANCE TO MEET THE PERSON THAT HER ABORTED CHILD WOULD HAVE BECOME? What would they say to each other? The answer may surprise you...."

Hey writers, here's an idea: Why don't you write movies people actually want to see?! Who in the hell is going to take their date to this movie on a Friday night? Besides couples at Bob Jones University.

Talking Birds! I love it.

"With a breakthrough computer program that translates bird communication into English, an ornithologist discovers what happened to the Lost Colony of Roanoke, and that what happened four centuries ago is about to happen again to over 24,000 people."

Contest 2: Pick your fave line in this query!

"I would like to submit the details of my screenplay for your consideration.

LOGLINE: A picked-on teen with fiery revenge fantasies finds friendship in a ring of arsonists-for-hire. This turns into a fight for his life when one by one his fellow lighters go up in smoke.

SYNOPSIS: Forced by a neighborhood jock to eat dog excrement, 18-year-old Eric is about to torch his tormentor's car when a stranger steps out of the shadows and introduces himself. Neil is a former soldier who runs Lighters, a small group of arsonists for hire. Neil teaches Eric how to handle fire and manage his pyromaniac impulses. He welcomes Eric into his circle, where the young man finds the friendship he's been missing. When another member of Lighters argues with Neil over payment, the man goes up in flames on his next job. Eric discovers that Neil booby-trapped his friend Torch's equipment. Eric warns the remaining two members of the group that Neil is a serious threat. They break away, but Neil murders Eric's companions as they sleep. Eric is tied to a chair listening to Neil explain what he's about to do to him with napalm when he manages to escape - only to be arrested by a detective who believes Eric committed Neil's crimes. Now how will Eric get the napalm out of Neil's hands before he uses it?

LIGHTERS gives an inside look into the world of arson from the arsonists' point of view. May I send you a copy?"

Great Date Movie

"When push comes to shove, who does a mother save -- herself or her aborted but live infant child?"

Yuck.

"Five frantic people press against the walls of a service elevator stranded atop a Chicago bank. A warning scrawled on the elevator's ceiling suggests a killer in their midst, along with a timetable for their ugly demise."

An apple a day....makes me want to leave this business.

"COCAINE APPLES

Bullets that don't kill.

Fruits and vegetables that make you high. A private weapons maker and an international fugitive help local police stop the smuggling of genetically enhanced food into the United States. "

An uplifting movie.

"Logline: The misplaced spirit of a 6-year old boy slaughters the surviving children of the tragic accident which took his life."

This should be titled: "Ying's Yang"

"A quirky Kung Fu master reluctantly befriends a young prostitute and re-discovers his passion for the martial arts.

Genre: Action

Ying has long given up the martial arts, preferring to waste away his days on beer and dubious night life. But when a young prostitute befriends him and entices him to teach her the hidden ways of the martial arts, he gets more than he bargained for. Deep in the Asian mafia underground, a longstanding feud between rival gangs re-ignites and Ying is forced to confront his fears and arch nemesis in battle."

A movie for gay surfers.

"Straight with a Twist" is a screwball comedy about Josh and Kyle, best friends since childhood, surfing and partying in Hawaii. When Kyle's dream of being a professional surfer is jeopardized they decide to get married for the insurance benefits. So when Josh falls for Layla, the hospital benefits coordinator, he's suddenly caught between his life with Kyle, and his love for Layla. Josh realizes there's only one way to be close to Layla, so he enlists his good friend Ramon, and is transformed into the biggest queen since Liberace. But when Josh's conservative parents arrive from Texas, his loyalty to Kyle and his love for Layla are all on the line."