Thursday, October 14, 2004

Sounds like Hollywood...

"Greetings. The following is a screenplay that I'm using to seek representation. The Florescent Shaded Teddy Bear Murders: An island community ofMillionaire supermodels must overcome their vanity when giant, ravenous teddy bears threaten their quirky lifestyle. Sparkle Island, a place of grotesque wealth where locals use "cosmetic genetics" to eliminate every flaw in their appearance, celebrate Tickle Festivals to relish the euphoria of hysterical laughter and thrill their pets with the sport of bungee jumping. The unattractive in this world fight for the leftover crumbs of opportunity, as success is primarily given to beauty before talent. Paradise is thrown into a blender when fanged beasts of plush mysteriously arrive to chow down on the gorgeous elite, leaving the less-attractive-hell, let's just call them ugly-labor force untouched. Police search the town in their limousines for clues, a military with questionable motive enters the fray, led by a Commander armed with lethal PEZ dispensers. But it's the town princess and ugly accordion virtuoso who discover the bears' origin: a paltry, balding scientist who created them as revenge for not getting a promised genetic makeover that would finally give him beauty and inclusion among the island's royalty."

This one came to me via email...so if you've got a good one, email it to me: queryletters5555@yahoo.com

116 Comments:

At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, call me crazy -- but I really, really want to read this script. Tickle festivals? Paradise in a blender? Sparkle Island?

I am so there, man. So there.

 
At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Next time you receive an unsolicited copy of my clear, cogent and entertaining script and you reject it out of hand (without reading it) because it's not idiocally high concept (boo hoo, you might have to think for a minute!), just remember, this kind of drivel is the competition, what's clogging your inbox. You'll have a lot of teddy bear army-tickle fest scripts in your future and you'll never find that next "Greek Wedding" or "Lost in Translation" that will elevate you out of the basement or the mailroom! Do your work, development slaves! Read for story! Read for an adult audience, not teenaged ADA morons! Make your bosses earn their money and put in the effort it takes to push good stories forward! Stop the madness! If you don't, all the good writers will give up and go back to advertising, which is where most of them come from, and all you'll get is this kind of junk! Or don't do anything differently, but take a few minutes in your day to practice saying "would you like extra foam on that latte?"

 
At 5:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Basement/mailroom/latte workers get to pick which movies get made?

Thus far, not overwhelmingly convinced about the "cogent" aspect.

[NOT managerguy, incidentally. NYC girl.]

 
At 6:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

see we don't get it. the script is a metaphor. the bears stand for the talented. and the millionare supermodels stand for the untalented succesful writers who are stealing the bear's rightful place as the tentpole movie of summer 05. and the unattractive of this world are the readers and agents and managers, who are just dumbugly. wait, the fanged bears eat the models? this metaphor kinda sucks. actually this idea sucks. the writer who signs their name to it is just sad.

 
At 10:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"My Big Fat Greek Wedding" and "Lost in Translation" were never in the slush piles to begin with. People who really have a story to tell do whatever they can to tell it. They don't just send out mass mailings and wait for someone else to do the work. ASS.

 
At 2:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I for one think there's a terrific market for a plushie tickle accordian model movie. Seth, get me marketing. Stat!

 
At 2:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come on, writing a good script is kind of like work, isn't it? Some would say it's very hard work. But maybe development people are the ones who really do all the heavy lifting in the industry.

Why don't you put down that TV Guide from 1984 where you hoped to find the next great "idea" (any show that hasn't been optioned yet) and try to write a script. Give yourself the whole weekend -- it should be easy for someone with their finger on the pulse of all things entertaining, with the confidence to turn a mocking eye to one and all "pitches" and "queries" that come your way. You know what makes for a good film so write one. Give yourself a year of weekends, a lifetime of weekends. I bet you can't begin to write anything cause if you could, you surely would, instead of reading all that junk from those pathetic, whining writers who make your life a living hell with their scripts and entreaties. And here's a great suggestion -- make your script all about an unappreciated development person, because all the world loves a Hollywood insider hipper than thou story, don't they?

You poor babies, you are beneath pity. It must be so painful to live in a world where your sustenance and self-worth are wholly dependent on the workproduct of people you loathe.

 
At 3:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've always loved the "if you're so smart, why don't YOU do it" argument against people who dast criticise the sucky.

Thing is, it doesn't always take one to know one. Sometimes you can spot crap a mile away without ever having striven to actually BE crap.

The old cliche often remains true (those who can't do, teach, those who can't teach, criticize (or something along those lines)), but an inability to DO doesn't render the criticism invalid.

Point being, the query letters posted here are utter crap, and it is not the failing of the site owner that they are such. Not only are they crap, they're frequently HILARIOUS crap (the best kind of crap, IMHO.) So if you want to go defend your fellow auteurs and artistes, go figure out how to either prevent the inadequate from entering the fray to begin with, or teach the inadequate not to be so. If the world was ridded of the talentless hacks, the hacks with talent - one might presume - might have an easier time of cracking through the wall of bullshit surrounding any chosen medium and its controllers. The reason that such a tiny percentage of anything creative actually shines through is because such a gigantic percentage of anything creative is utter ass.

If you suck, you suck. Regardless of whether you're a starving artist - in fact, if you're a sucky starving artist, STOP IT and go get a freaking job already, since you're just making it harder for the NOT sucky to find food - or a mogul. If you suck, you suck, and there's really no good reason anyone perceptive enough to notice shouldn't call you on that, whether that person is a cab driver, a colleague, a professor, or some schmuck on the street.

Stop sucking or get out of the business, really. The world really doesn't need anymore drivel than it's already got.

- nyc girl [again]

 
At 3:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Poor fool, that ain't writing, that's TYPING.

 
At 3:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aww...sounds like someone needs a trip to Tickle Festival!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
At 11:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Read for an adult audience, not teenaged ADA morons! "

...teenaged American Dental Association morons?

 
At 4:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

> Stop the madness! If you don't, all the good writers will give up and go back to advertising...

Is that where all the good writers go?

My goodness, as funny as that query letter was, the refutation was better by half! Christ on a bike, it took me 15 minutes to realize it was serious! Keep up the good work. And "Have it your way."

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger Ian said...

Well I liked the idea!

 
At 12:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

For you who said you would really like to read this script, you can! While the movie does nto exist a soundtrack for the movie does. And the CD includes a copy of the script. I haven't heard so I don't know if its any good.

http://www.keith-moore.net/teddy/teddy.html

Also, the guy who made it is kinda creepy looking.

 
At 5:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree. The reply tops the "millionaire supermodel island attacked by giant teddy bears" query, as difficult at that may be.

My favorite? "...all the good writers will give up and go back to advertising..."

 
At 12:26 AM, Blogger bdemon said...

Wow, I've been digging this blog for the past few months, but NEVER expected to find a discussion on a script of my own...not to mention one I haven't marketed since 2000! But it makes sense that it would show up, I guess. On the other hand Teddy Bear Murders got great feedback in the countless workshops I took it through. And it reached the Chesterfield finals in 2002 as well as the Austin Film Festival's script competition. No, it didn't win--and these contests are always subjective--but it placed higher than thousands of other scripts at the time, so those of you know-it-alls don't really know what you're talking about, eh? ;)

(I appreciate the friendly comments. And the moron who called me "creepy"? Come on...talk about lazy writing.)

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger leyva1313 said...

i have seen a million movies in my life time and i understand why "Greek Wedding" or "Lost in Translation" type movies get green lighted; but i not sure if they real are good! i sure as hell do not own them and i wish i had waited for them to come out on dvd!! and in fact i wish that just because a movie is ART, it would not make every say it is good. look art is nice but some time you just want to laff or root for the good guy or zone out! what i am saying is someone somewhere is waiting for this movie. and in all likely hood he/she is not alone. IMHO i can not wait untill anyone can make a movie with 10k.

 
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...and thrill their pets with the sport of bungee jumping.

Am I the only one whose pets would not exactly be thrilled by that?

 
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At 12:46 AM, Blogger ComSat Station said...

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by: easy ways for kid to make money

Try a different type of recycling that will save you
money. Have you ever received a nice gift that you
like from someone but will never use? Rather than
take it back to the store for an exchange, consider
keeping it to give as a gift to someone else. Another
way to recycle is to look around your home. There are
always things right in your home that can be used to
make nice gift baskets – things you never use. For
example, the next time you purchase shower gel where
you buy one and get one free, keep one for yourself
and set the other one aside for future gift giving.
You will find hundreds of ideas so be creative and
consider things you purchased but have never used.

easy ways for kid to make money

 
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At 5:48 AM, Blogger dompia said...

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At 3:14 PM, Blogger myperplexinglife2005 said...

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At 11:11 PM, Blogger jembigsky506 said...

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At 12:07 AM, Blogger rentecurto1003 said...

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At 9:37 PM, Blogger eldwinjoshuawong1001 said...

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At 2:50 PM, Blogger workfromhome101111 said...

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Sincerely,

Mark

p.s. I like to take a look at other blogs to get some ideas as to how I am going to form mine.

 
At 3:15 PM, Blogger DutchTreats950 said...

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At 9:42 PM, Blogger workfromhome1011 said...

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Sincerely,

Mark

p.s. I like to take a look at other blogs to get some ideas as to how I am going to form mine.

 
At 6:44 PM, Blogger DutchTreats950 said...

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At 10:13 PM, Blogger hope said...

Hi ManagerGuy I was looking for someone who could give me more info on work from home based business and I came accross your Sounds like Hollywood... which isn't what I really need right now, but it's a great blog! It sure got my notice and keep it up! Anything that barely looks like work from home based business interests me because folks know social security and healthcare dollars don't go far these days. If you see anyone who has work from home based business or some work at home blogs, please let me know if you can and have the time.

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger gootau said...

Hi there ##name##,

I read your comments on the home business opportunity. As for me and I believe many average jacks out there, keeping a day job is a necessity. However, up until 7 weeks back I could not face another day without the knowledge that I need to radically change my life inorder to stay in credit..and start dreaming about savings.

The explosive nature of the internt and its supercon artists (experienced net-marketers) is singularly responsible for the 98% failure rate of all newbie related online business failures.

In my view any one wanting to explore their luck online is doomed to failure. The problem with the newbie is not that of access to quality products. No, it is how and where to market the product that has been dumped rather cleverly by the experienced marketer in the newbies hands.

After 4 years of trying almost every strategy without success I can honestly say any one trying their luck on online opportunities needs be ware. Prospecting and marketing costs are way too high for the newbie. Often, as only I have learnt, the newbie puts money into hyped marketing systems that do not deliver the traffic that is required for making sales.

A clever solution to this newbie predicament has been solved by Bill Osterhout's Prosperity Automated System. In here there is no selling, no prospecting, no marketing. No emailling lists here, no advertisements, no phone calls, no no MLMs or chain letters. The PAS system hooks its self to search engines when people search for home business opportunity related information. It sells itself or whatever product you happen to be promoting, closes the sale for you and you get the money. Bill has levelled the playing filled, compelled the newbie to make money or make excuses, while allowing the experienced marketer to feed the system with steroids for enhanced sales.
Everyone closes a sale here within a month or so, getting $3000 per sale. It is here: http://www.MegaWealthy.com/224

I thougth I should help some of your readers who may have given up hope...well now there is!

To your success

Vincent Molelekwa
CEO - Millennium Empires LLC

 
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